Joined
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194 Posts
What I feel these days is slowly killing everything good I have in me.
I do not like who I became. I never had any man in my life except my husband until I cheated.
When I look back, I see where I made mistake, where I should work on my marriage harder- before I was too lonely, too vulnerable, too hurt to think clearly.
I was very selfish. I though I could fix my life by falling for someone else. I thought that other person would “save” me… Very naive and unfair.
Back then when it happened, I did not feel regret, I got what I wanted without thinking.
It is very different story now.
When I look at my husband, I feel sorry.
Sorry for laying to him and cheating on him.
I feel sorry for not being able to tell him “I love you too.”
I am sorry I cannot laugh at his jokes anymore.
I am sorry I do not see our future; sorry I am not having kids with him even though we both are ready.
I am also sorry for betraying him in so many ways.
I even feel sorry for things that are not my fault (emotional/phys.abuse) just because I know what I did behind his back.
When he tries to hold my hand, I feel nothing.
I do not kiss his lips. I do not cuddle with him or appreciate any intimate affection.
I DO love him in certain way, I also worry about him when he is sick or feels bad. But, most part of what I used to feel is not there anymore.
I lost myself in selfish fantasy and no matter what happened between us before, he did not deserve it.
For those who seen it all, is there any hope for my marriage after all?
I do not like who I became. I never had any man in my life except my husband until I cheated.
When I look back, I see where I made mistake, where I should work on my marriage harder- before I was too lonely, too vulnerable, too hurt to think clearly.
I was very selfish. I though I could fix my life by falling for someone else. I thought that other person would “save” me… Very naive and unfair.
Back then when it happened, I did not feel regret, I got what I wanted without thinking.
It is very different story now.
When I look at my husband, I feel sorry.
Sorry for laying to him and cheating on him.
I feel sorry for not being able to tell him “I love you too.”
I am sorry I cannot laugh at his jokes anymore.
I am sorry I do not see our future; sorry I am not having kids with him even though we both are ready.
I am also sorry for betraying him in so many ways.
I even feel sorry for things that are not my fault (emotional/phys.abuse) just because I know what I did behind his back.
When he tries to hold my hand, I feel nothing.
I do not kiss his lips. I do not cuddle with him or appreciate any intimate affection.
I DO love him in certain way, I also worry about him when he is sick or feels bad. But, most part of what I used to feel is not there anymore.
I lost myself in selfish fantasy and no matter what happened between us before, he did not deserve it.
For those who seen it all, is there any hope for my marriage after all?