[AwfullyGuilty]

What I feel these days is slowly killing everything good I have in me.
I do not like who I became. I never had any man in my life except my husband until I cheated.

When I look back, I see where I made mistake, where I should work on my marriage harder- before I was too lonely, too vulnerable, too hurt to think clearly.

I was very selfish. I though I could fix my life by falling for someone else. I thought that other person would “save” me… Very naive and unfair.
Back then when it happened, I did not feel regret, I got what I wanted without thinking.

It is very different story now.

When I look at my husband, I feel sorry.
Sorry for laying to him and cheating on him.
I feel sorry for not being able to tell him “I love you too.”
I am sorry I cannot laugh at his jokes anymore.
I am sorry I do not see our future; sorry I am not having kids with him even though we both are ready.
I am also sorry for betraying him in so many ways.
I even feel sorry for things that are not my fault (emotional/phys.abuse) just because I know what I did behind his back.

When he tries to hold my hand, I feel nothing.
I do not kiss his lips. I do not cuddle with him or appreciate any intimate affection.
I DO love him in certain way, I also worry about him when he is sick or feels bad. But, most part of what I used to feel is not there anymore.
I lost myself in selfish fantasy and no matter what happened between us before, he did not deserve it.

For those who seen it all, is there any hope for my marriage after all?

 

[Kasler]

Re: Is this fog after PA? Or is it just heartless me?

Sounds like you don't love him, you pity him.

If theres no children and you can't even return basic displays of affection he initiates then divorce him so he can move on with his life.

You're right, he doesn't deserve this so don't give it to him.

 

[LetDownNTX]

Re: Is this fog after PA? Or is it just heartless me?

Im sorry but I really cant sympathize with you, it kinda makes me nauseous to read what you wrote and to know that he is hurting and you still seem to only care about yourself!

If you dont feel the way you should feel about him, then walk out the door and let him heal and find someone who does appreciate him, someone who wants his affection, someone who wants to hold his hand. I assure you there is someone out there that will treat him better then this!

 

[Louise7]

Re: Is this fog after PA? Or is it just heartless me?

What I feel these days is slowly killing everything good I have in me.
I do not like who I became. I never had any man in my life except my husband until I cheated.

When I look back, I see where I made mistake, where I should work on my marriage harder- before I was too lonely, too vulnerable, too hurt to think clearly.

I was very selfish. I though I could fix my life by falling for someone else. I thought that other person would “save” me… Very naive and unfair.
Back then when it happened, I did not feel regret, I got what I wanted without thinking.

It is very different story now.

When I look at my husband, I feel sorry.
Sorry for laying to him and cheating on him.
I feel sorry for not being able to tell him “I love you too.”
I am sorry I cannot laugh at his jokes anymore.
I am sorry I do not see our future; sorry I am not having kids with him even though we both are ready.
I am also sorry for betraying him in so many ways.
I even feel sorry for things that are not my fault (emotional/phys.abuse) just because I know what I did behind his back.

When he tries to hold my hand, I feel nothing. I pull my hand out of his.
I do not kiss his lips. I do not cuddle with him or appreciate any intimate affection.
I DO love him in certain way, I also worry about him when he is sick or feels bad. But, most part of what I used to feel is not there anymore.
I lost myself in selfish fantasy and no matter what happened between us before, he did not deserve it.

For those who seen it all, is there any hope for my marriage after all?

I was abused by my brother when I was ten years old. Whatever your abuse was, however much it was not your fault, don't dare to use it as an excuse for your dreadful behaviour.

If you do not and cannot love this man, leave.

 

[alte Dame]

Re: Is this fog after PA? Or is it just heartless me?

This is the heartless you that you have become. Your husband deserves far better.

 

[AwfullyGuilty]

Re: Is this fog after PA? Or is it just heartless me?

I was not going to use abuse as my excuse. I know better than that! So please do not tell me to dare or not dare if you don't know me or my story. I was just honest with my feelings and was looking some advice from people who actually went through similar situation. Thank you for your advice though.

 

[mel123]

Re: Is this fog after PA? Or is it just heartless me?

Does your H know about your cheating? ...........

Please tell him if not. He deserves to be with someone who returns his love and affection. He also deserves to have children and you are robbing him of that joy too.

Maybe you still do love him but are over whelmed by guilt and can not express that love.

But I agree with the above posters love him and be honest or leave him. You cheated on him with OM now you are cheating him OUT of the joy of "returned affection" and "children".

 

[Pit-of-my-stomach]

how long has it been since the cheating? and how long were you cheating?

 

[Kasler]

Divorce him. You say you're sorry, but that doesn't match up with your actions if you want him to live with a woman who can't even reciprocate basic affection.

Either you love him with everything or you leave him so he can find someone who can.

No more fence sitting, hes already been through enough of that.

 

[AwfullyGuilty]

how long has it been since the cheating? and how long were you cheating?

I was in EA for 2 years. I did not see OM more than twice in those years. One year ago, it became PA.We were intimate without intercourse. I did not meet him since then and not planning to.

 

[Pit-of-my-stomach]

eeeeeeeeasy everyone... eeeeasy...

slow down a bit. I dont know the story, if I do I dont recall... but there may be a very real physiological reason for the way she feels...

If she's trying but just 'can't' feel certain things there could be some underlying reasons and they don't have anything to do with 'not loving' or not wanting to love him.

 

[Pit-of-my-stomach]

I was in EA for 2 years. I did not see OM more than twice in those years. One year ago, it became PA.We were intimate without intercourse. I did not meet him since then and not planning to.

Didnt meet him, but have you spoken to him?

SO your saying that its been 1 year since any contact with this OM ?

and your H does know about this affair?

 

[TDSC60]

I DO love him in certain way, I also worry about him when he is sick or feels bad.

Sounds like the concern you would have for a pet - not a husband.

I don't think you want to be in love with him or want the feeling of love and affection for him to return. You are still being extremely selfish and you are dragging him down with you.

Is the affair still going on? Do you still love the OM? Do you miss the OM and long for him? If the answer is yes to any of these, then think of your husband for once and divorce him.

OK - I just read the 3 previous posts. Something else is going on here that we do not know.

 

[mel123]

For those who seen it all, is there any hope for my marriage after all?

I think there is a spark of hope because you did come here looking for advice.

However you need to answer, some of the basic questions you have been asked....Pit-of my-stomach ask you;

Didnt meet him, but have you spoken to him?

SO your saying that its been 1 year since any contact with this OM ?

and your H does know about this affair?

I also asked you if your Husband knows

 

[Jeffery]

OP it sounds like you are still in the fog because you are still in the affair. Please do the right thing, tell your BH everything and then file for D

 

[CH]

No hope whatsoever is left. You can't and you won't reconnect with your husband. Please file for divorce.

He's abused you, but you should not have cheated, you don't love him as a wife anymore. End the suffering for the both of you.

 

[AwfullyGuilty]

Didnt meet him, but have you spoken to him?

SO your saying that its been 1 year since any contact with this OM ?

and your H does know about this affair?

He does not know it. I never told him.
I did not see OM but we talked about month ago. Then I came to TAM and started to ask questions how to do things right. You can find my previous posts under my profile page.

 

[AwfullyGuilty]

I think there is a spark of hope because you did come here looking for advice.

However you need to answer, some of the basic questions you have been asked....Pit-of my-stomach ask you;

Didnt meet him, but have you spoken to him?

SO your saying that its been 1 year since any contact with this OM ?

and your H does know about this affair?

I also asked you if your Husband knows

I did answer them in post above.
I don't think my husband knows. He never asked anything related.

 

[Numb-badger]

But I'll assure you, he knows 'something' is wrong, he just can't get a handle on exactly what it is.

You need to tell him and let go.

 

[mel123]

You can find my previous posts under my profile page.

I read some of your prior posts. I see where he abused you and he laughed at your depression. He is heartless, but you still should NOT have cheated.

Are you afraid to tell him because he may become violent ? I suggested earlier to tell him, but if that's the case maybe you shouldn't.