Talk About Marriage banner

Is this consider Cheating? Or just an excuse for him to?

2124 Views 11 Replies 11 Participants Last post by  wiigirl
I will try to make this short as possible. We have been together for 6 years, no kids together, I have 1, he has 2, we all live together, and both our in our 30's.
Back in Jan. I busted him recieving nude pics from a girl, i recieved roses for that. About a month after, i did something i know i shouldn't have, and hacked into his facebook, but like i thought i found more dirt, him trying to hook up with a couple of women. I confront him, he apologizes, wont ever happen again blah blah. I forgive him, but don't forget. For the next several months i'm not myself, I don't trust him AT ALL!! So I ask a lot of questions on what he is doing, who he is txting etc. Which turns me into a nag and a ***** (what he says). And I will admit I did go a little over board, but I felt I had a right to question what he was doing.
So the end of July comes, he says I'm driving him nuts, he can't take it, and wants to separate. He leaves for 3 days. I'm a complete mess, I do what any women would do and leaned on my girlfriends for support. What I thought was a dear close girlfriend of mine for almost 10 yrs, came to my rescue, at least what I thought at the time. This is were my question comes: Is the following consider cheating?? In my H's eyes, no women has any right to be just friends with a man, cause he thinks every man that comes in contact with me wants to sleep with me. I disagree. My co worker (a man, happily married man) has been a wonderful friend to me for the past couple of yrs. The H has always disliked him, cause he is a man and we work together everyday. During these hard times in our relationship, I went to him with "man" questions, and advice on how I should approach all this from a "mans" point of view to save my family.

Which he has done the same with me when him and his wife were having issues. There has never ever been any kind of physical nor emotional connection between us, absolutley friends. I knew if I told the H his, he would beyond flip. So I entrusted what I thought was a good friend this info. Come to find out,, while i was telling her all this innocent info, she was inturn txting my H every single thing I was telling her.
Within an hour of H, finding out I went to a male that is my friend to get advice, he was back at our house, ready for war! He accused me of cheating on him for the past 2 yrs with him, and I had a emotional relationship with him. Which i truly believe is untrue. Am i wrong for thinking that way?!?
The H proceeds to tell me, what I did was a million times worse, then him getting nude pics, trying to hook up w/ chics on fb etc....
I beyond disagree, and so do my family and friends, but they obviously have bias opinions.
At a moment of emotional weakness, I vow to do anything to keep our family together, because I am truely inlove with my H, couldn't imagine life without him. Within a week, he tells me he is seeing another women. My world was crushed. I tell him I have no desire nor want to be with anyone else or even talk to anyone else. August & Sept. go by, he is never home, always out with women, or on his phone with women. I deal with it, some how, like an idiot.
Around the beginning of Oct., a couple of men i went to H.S with found out I was separated, and contacted me. At first i felt horrible quilty like i was doing something wrong. Even though the H was sleeping with half the town. It felt good, the positive attention, men giving me the time of day not making me feel like crap. I didn't have any kind of physical interaction with these 2 men, like I said positive attention.
So about a week ago, the H, found out about my male friends. Like clock work, I was told I am a dirty *****, skank, etc All they want is to get into my pants, they just want to use me etc.
So again in the H's eyes i'm pretty much a cheating *****. Regardless of what he is doing, cause he says I drove him to other women, because of what I call " the imaginery emotional relationship with my male co worker"
My brain tells me to RUN!!!!! My heart tells me not to give up on us or our family. The way I see it, is he is trying to turn everything on me so he can go have his fun, and me sitting here like a door mat waiting for him. He claims, he wants us to work, but he needs to trust me, seriously?!?!
So like a idiot again, I change my phone #, cut all my male friends off. Would love to hear everyones advice, feed back etc!

Thank you in advance :)
See less See more
Not open for further replies.
1 - 12 of 12 Posts
Yes, your husband is cheating. He's been doing it from before you found any dirt on him. That was just the first time you caught something. If you had the forsaking all others thing in your wedding vows, he's broken the contract. File and move on unless you enjoy this bull, cause it's not going to change.
  • Like
Reactions: 5
I'm confused. Are you living in the same house as your husband or not? If not where is he living?

I'll write a longer response but would like to know the above.
Your husband is right that generally friendships between men and women do not really work because men do not waste their time with women they are not sexually interested in. A married woman should not be discussing the intimate details of her marriage with another man. This is what leads to most affairs.

But from what it sounds like you did not allow the relationship with your work friend to cross over into the EA (emotional affair).

I too think that your husband has been cheating on you for a long time. Remember that cheaters only admit to what their spouse finds out. So he only admits to trying to meet up with other women. The fact is most likely that he did in the past. You know that he is now.

Interestingly, what he tells you about your male friends just wanting to use you… that’s his attitude towards women. He is projecting it on the other guys.

Serial cheaters seldom rehabilitate. He’s self-justified his behavior to the point of it being pathological.

Dump your ‘good’ friend and dump your husband. He’s not worth it.
See less See more
  • Like
Reactions: 2
Your husband is screwing everything including your "good friend". Its time for divorce court, the guy has probably never been faithful to you. Its going to hurt like hell but why would you want someone that has no respect for you? What about the risk of an STD.

Your husband has given up on your family, you just need to accept it and move on.
I have a few close female friends but my wife knows about them. There is only one I discuss really intimate stuff with, but she lives far enough away that I couldn't see her without my wife knowing. Our sensitive communications are all in writing, and my wife has full access to them.

So I don't agree with Elegirl that men only have such friendships when sexually interested, though certainly close opposite sex friendships are dangerous.

That aside, your husband is cheating, and maybe you are too, if you are dating other guys or seeing them against your husband's wishes. You need to sort things out or divorce in my opinion.
I totally agree with Elegirl.

Dump your husband. Find a better life.

What you did about your coworker is not fully right. Also the ones that came later. I hear you are saying "Nothing physical happened". But in marriage, these secrets have no place, dear. If you cannot share your innermost feelings with your husband, then there is no relationship at all.

Dont delude yourself. I see that you are fed up with your husband. You should have quit him long ago.

MHO os that your marriage is over. You are resentful (rightly so) over the EAs maybe PAs and he is not willing to change. And while I do not believe asking for a male perspective is cheating, he is using this as an excuse for his behavior. Turn him lose and use the time till divorce to figure out why his behavior might be acceptable for you to want to continue the relationship and/or what you expect from a future relationship.
He is a serial cheater, liar and all around dirt bag. Divorce and never look back. You might want to hold off on any romantic involvement until your divorce is final, if it bothers you that you stoop to towards his level.
He's shifting the blame, deflecting the issues, turning things around.

In the other hand, just for future porpouses sharing marriage issues or asking advice from male friends is innapropiate nad dangerous. Read about the slipery slope becuase it's how EAs start. You barely notice how the boundaries are crossed by letting another man meet certain emotional needs. It's playing with fire. Stronger boundaires needs to be enforced by you.

I can understan how your husband can feel treatened with whatever male friend you have, specially if you share marriages issues. Still It's evident your husband brings it as a part of the unremorseful wayward script to shift the blame. He's a serial cheater. The fact he accused you of cheating on him while at the same time doing it himself means he was projecting his isues into you.
See less See more
Your husband has been cheating for a long time.

Look, I've never ever ever ever been just sent naked photos of women. Not even once. You don't get unless you ask or are on the hunt.

You're husband has been cheating long before you found out about the naked photos,, but her is a total hypocrite. He wants to cheat and play around, but he doesn't like you not being true to him. He wants you home and pretty and ready, when he gets done with his GFs.

Divorce this guy. he's cheating, while calling you nasty names for moving on with your life after he left you.
MHO os that your marriage is over. You are resentful (rightly so) over the EAs maybe PAs and he is not willing to change. And while I do not believe asking for a male perspective is cheating, he is using this as an excuse for his behavior. Turn him lose and use the time till divorce to figure out why his behavior might be acceptable for you to want to continue the relationship and/or what you expect from a future relationship.

Posted via Mobile Device
See less See more
1 - 12 of 12 Posts
Not open for further replies.