Talk About Marriage banner
Status
Not open for further replies.
1 - 4 of 4 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
14 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I need some advice on this. Maybe I'm overreacting and I'm the one who needs help, but maybe not. I have been doing searches to find out what I can do to better myself and why my wife doesn't love me like she used to, or maybe she does, I just don't feel like she does. This might be a long post, but I want to get it out there to see what peoples thoughts are.

The reason I started searching is because I am tired of being blamed for everything that is wrong with our relationship. I have faults like everbody else and I admit those and I have admitted those to my wife. But she will not admit she has any and always plays the victim. Here is the background. My wife and I have been married for 9 years with two kids, 5 and 2. My wife grew up in a divorced family. Here mom cheated on her dad and married the guy. Her mom was verbally and emotionally abusive to my wife and her two sisters, loading emotional subjucts on them only suitable for adults to handle. She was made fun of by her own family because of her red hair and being overweight was taboo in her family, even though they eat a lot of food. My wife now has an eating disorder, where she eats to feal comfortable and doesn't know when to stop. Her mom is still not a nice person. She will be nice to your face, then go to one my wifes sisters and talk all about you. She is very manupilative and overly emotional. Not healthy.
Well here is our situation. The first few years of marriage were fine. She was however on Adderall so I think it was a fake her, at least that what she admits. It mad her more confident, etc. Ever since we have had the kids she is a different person. She has been very depressed and losing weight is her sole focuse, even though she goes through huge swings. I do admit it is difficult for her because I am naturally very thin and don't worry about gaining weight, and also exercise regularly so I can't sympathize with her there. But one of the things I can't stand is her constant criticizing of everyting I do. She doesn't like the way I eat, the way I drive, how I dress, how I interact with other people, what I say to other people, how I do my job. Basically everything. It's like pulling teeth to get a compliment from her. I give her compliments all of the time about how pretty she is, and her cooking but she cannot take a compliment. Everything revolves around her weight, and she tries to diet but refuses to exercise.
She is always depressed and in a bad mood. I never know who I'm going to come home to. Sometimes she'll greet me at the door with a hug and a kiss, other times she is at her wits end and mad, which being with kids all day I can understand. She also constantly puts her self down and says she is not good enough for anything, she is not smart enough, she doesn't know who she is. With friends she is so paranoid and always thinks everybody is talking about her behind her back and are out to get her. She likes one person on week and the next she thinks they are talking about here trying to steal her other friends away. She doesn't trust anybody, not even me. She told me last night, just casually from something she saw on tv if I were to ever cheat, she would expose me to everybody she know, put it on Facebook, tell my family, basically make a fool of me. The funny thing is I have never done that, never will, have not even come close or even given her a reason to think that. It was really wierd. She has been down so low a couple of times that she said she thinks she would be better of dead.
Its gotten to the point that i don't even like to be in the same room when I'm talking on the phone because she'll hear my side of the conversation and talk over me, or tell me what to say, because I'm not saying it right. I don't even like her to come to my pickup basketball games anymore because she'll critique my performance, and not in a good way.
The thing that hurts the most though is the lack of affection. She doesn't like me touching her anywhere near the waist. She doesn't like to kiss much anymore except small pecks. Our entire marriage I have not been allowed to see her change. Only once in our marriage has she ever taken a shower with me, and that was bikini bottoms on, because she is embarrased. When company is over though she likes to put on a show and hug me and kiss a lot. Our sex life is off and on, and in so many words she told me its basically duty sex, what a wife should do.
If you are still reading, basically she has a melt down about every other month or so where she basically says I am not a good dad with the children, I deserve to be alone and not have anybody, I'm not good to her, she has even told me I have aspergers, which I don't. I am an introvert, but have no probelm conversating with people. She is the victim and if I dare accuse her of something I'm being manipulative and mean and I need to go see a therapist to become a better person. She does everything and according to her I don't contribute. I do have a high paying job which I go to everyday. I do at least half of the housework, I spend time with the kids, check up on my sons homework, do our whole bedtime routine. My wife and I go on a date night about every other week. I don't know. I have read several of the self help books listed on this sight to improve my self. I think I am make an effort to be even better, but she refuses to read those books with me. I am more of an introverted person, and very even keeled. I don't show a lot of emotion, but I think that helps stabalize our family with my wifes ups and downs. I don't get angry easy and get out to play basketball twice a week with friends, but spend most of my off time with my family. I could go on and on, and she has a lot of good days where she does a lot for me. But I'm tired of feeling like I'm not good enough and being contstantly corrected. Am I the one who she see a therapist? Sorry for the long post.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
8,377 Posts
Asking us if it's BPD is like asking us to interpret a trace from a super collider experiment - only an expert is qualified to make such a diagnosis, though you'll find plenty of amateurs here who are more than willing to take a stab at it.

If YOU think the two of you need to see a therapist, then you do. Make it so.
 
  • Like
Reactions: anony2

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,361 Posts
The things you've described can be consistent with a number of psychiatric problems, and it can also be that the two of you are simply not very compatible.

Having a label to attach to it won't change the situation. If the two of you are not cooperative in making changes, then change can still happen if you dedicate yourself to it, but that doesn't mean it will necessarily bring you closer or improve anything.

What is it you're really wanting from your marriage, Duwa? And how do you think you can get to that point?
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
2,909 Posts
Is this BPD?
Duwa, none of us on this forum can tell you if your W has full-blown BPD. Only a professional can do that. What we can do is point you to good online resources describing the basic symptoms for BPD. Once you learn these warning signs (i.e., red flags), it is not difficult to spot any strong traits of BPD that are occurring, because there is nothing subtle about BPD traits such as verbal abuse, temper tantrums, and low self esteem.

Yet, for a person to exhibit a strong pattern of BPD behaviors, those behaviors must be PERSISTENT. That is, because BPD traits are believed to originate in early childhood, they do not disappear for several years and then suddenly surface in the last few years of an 8-year marriage. Typically, these traits only disappear during the infatuation period, which usually lasts 3 to 6 months (or a bit longer if the courtship period is a long-distance relationship).

I mention the importance of persistence because, in your other thread, you stated last June that you and your W have been getting along quite well for 8 years. Specifically, you said:
To give some background, we have had a pretty good marriage. We get along very well. We have had our ups and downs but mostly ups for the 8 years we've been married.... Our sex life has been good, but never fantastic.
Another factor that is essential to having strong BPD traits is emotional instability, which would be evident in a persistent cycle -- all through your marriage -- of her pushing you away and pulling you back into the relationship. It also would be evident in rapid flips between loving you and devaluing you (sometimes even hating you). Significantly, this push-away and pull-back cycle is not evident in your statement (quoted above) that "We had a pretty good marriage. We get along very well."
 
1 - 4 of 4 Posts
Status
Not open for further replies.
Top