[twoforwardoneback]

Hello ... i am new here, i posted in another thread but my story threatened to take it over so i am posting my own. This is a long story, i hope some of you have the time and patience to read it. I think i have hit the low point of my life, i sometimes think i just want to go to sleep and never wake up and re-enter this nightmare that my sham of a marriage has become. Where should i start?
STBXH and i together 10 years, married 8.
2 kids 6yo and 8yo, and a daughter who he brought into the marriage who is now 24 (was 13/14 when i came onto the scene)
We had been having problems for a couple of years before we separated in July of this year. The crunch point being that i finally got concrete proof of his last affair (one of so many, i now discover) and couldn't deal with anymore of his lies. We have property in joint names where we were living, his business is in the same building and so when it came for the decision who would move i did, with the reasoning that he would be more or less in my house everyday if i stayed and he went, which wouldn't give us the space we needed. Looking back on it with all i know now... stupid idea, but i'll get onto that later...
So we are splitting the kids 50/50 because we are both self employed and work fulltime, i work nights, him days... they are at my place from Sunday 'til Wednesday and the weekend (when i work) they are with him.
About 8 weeks ago was our wedding anniversary, i texted him on that day, i was feeling really sad and i just wrote happy anniversary, what a shame, we almost made it . His response was that he saw this as a timeout and not a permanent thing, we still had a chance if we gave each other space. Hmmmm.
So anyway, about 3 weeks ago i heard the rumour around town that he had a new girl, i thought oh god no... not again... I honestly thought he was going to tell me about it but ofcourse he didn't and i more or less just walked in on her having a get together a couple of days later with her friends in my old house while he wasn't even there. Whoaaaaaa i thought, she's obviously very at home here. The next day my daughter (the younger one) told me that when she goes to sleep in the big bed with daddy that there's almost not enough room anymore because the OW and her daughter are also in the big bed. WTF!? At the same time i am heard from our mutual friends that he is told them he is in love and he has never been so happy and blah blah blah. I totally dropped my basket. >After pulling myself together, and putting my feelings aside (afterall, he has a right to a new relationship even if i don't like it) i told him though that it wasn't acceptable the children to have that living situation happening so soon. He agreed that she would only stay over when the kids weren't there. Fair i think..(?) Anyway, since then he has not held his word at all, she has been camped out there, with her daughter, everyday and night since. My kids are still asking me when i am going to come home again. Why we can't be a family anymore? Why is she there all the time? Why do we have to share our things with her daughter? and telling me that they don't like it. To him they say none of this. When i have tried to reason with him he just says it is none of my business and that they were fine with it, i am just allowing them to get carried away and the situation to escalate.
I was there the other day to drop off the kids and her daughter came running with something to give him yelling 'daddy!'
I was like 'oh f*** did i just hear right?!' and his response was 'i can't help it if she calls me that!' !!!!!!!!!!!! Sorry but i think there's some strange sh** going down in that house. The next day when i saw my daughter again she asked me why the girl calls her daddy 'daddy' when he's not her daddy? I just didn't know what to say... so i kinda just changed the subject with tears in my eyes.
I am so damn stuck. He is being so unreasonable, so blinded and just so wrong about this. I am so worried for our kids, but he is trying to make me out to be the crazy and irrational one, and i am somehow buying it. WHAT THE HELL? I honestly think i am going to go out of my mind. If i financially could i would quit my business, and just get my kids the hell out of there, but then they don't have a dad at all and i wonder if that's worse or not? I am so confused by it all. I have a constant pain in my chest and headaches that last for days. I am swinging between i hate him and i would do anything to turn back the clock to how it was five years ago.
When will this end?
I'm sorry if i am ranting. I'll stop now. I guess this is a cry for help. Will it get easier? Will i ever feel like i am living again?

 

[Couleur]

My advice is to first separate the things you can control from the things you cannot.

-- you cannot keep your H from having his new GF move in with him; you cannot keep new GF's daughter from calling your ex daddy.
-- you can get your kids into family therapy and give them a safe place to voice their confusion and anger about the dramatic changes in the family structure.
-- Similarly, you can make sure that you are in counseling or in a support group so that you have an outlet in which to express your anger about the bad hand you've been dealt.
-- you can try to get a mediator or lawyer to formalize your child custody arrangements, and you *might* be able to get your H to sign something that says that he will not have overnight guests in the house when your children are there. This would only work if you still have legal ownership of the house, I think. Then if he breaks this stipulation you can move onto to renegotiating the child custody arrangement, so that you are no longer doing a 50-50% split. This would be expensive, and even given your children's ages, you may not be able to sway a judge that the fact that GF has moved in with your H makes the environment unstable enough that your kids well fare is at risk.

Your ex sounds like a real piece of work and his new GF seems clueless at best.

Suppose you were to try to cut back on your children's contact with their dad. What would be the consequences on their development? Is he an involved father? Do they have a close relationship with him? Is there enough positive in their interactions with him that you can try to help them see that even though your ex was not cut out for marriage, that he has other positive qualities?

 

[BigMac]

He broke the agreement , so you HAVE to do it too !

Get your kids and don't let them go there !

File yesterday , ask for FULL custody and huge alimony !

180 and completely DARK ! NC is a must and NO BullCrap !

Good luck and stay strong !

 

[soca70]

Twofer - do you know what the 180 is? If not, we can post it for you. Also, that custody thing sounds CRAZY. What does your lawyer say?

 

[HiRoad]

He broke the agreement , so you HAVE to do it too !

Get your kids and don't let them go there !

File yesterday , ask for FULL custody and huge alimony !

180 and completely DARK ! NC is a must and NO BullCrap !

Good luck and stay strong !

BM - Do we ever get tired of writing the same thing over and over, LOL!

Twofor - I am deeply sorry for all the pain that you are going through. Glad to see you are here, it really helps to talk to others going througth the same thing here.

Now, you must follow the advise here to keep your sanity. I know it sounds like a broken record, but the advise here really works, see Conrads story.

Follow BM's advice and do NOT backslide! This is soo important for so many reasons, and start NOW.

Your STBXH is out of control and he will eventually crash. But you have to give him time w/o YOU! He does not feel any guilt or remorse b/c you are his plan B. ok

Read Read Read, and vent here, look for advise here, IC, books, and the internet. Become educated about this. It will ground you!

Good luck!

 

[twoforwardoneback]

Oh my gosh thankyou for writing. Just these few messages have made me feel better. The loneliness and feeling i was going out of my mind for 'feeling too much' has subsided somewhat... for today anyway!

Couleur... Yes i know that i can't stop the little girl from saying that to him, it kind of just made it clear to me that there's some seriously disfunctional coming from the gf's side too. Not my problem. Even if it makes me want to puke.
Yes, i am getting therapy, have a super psychiatrist who i also talk to about the kids (ALOT!) I have decided that the only thing i can do is be the best kind of mother i can. If my ex wants to do things his way then that's he is going to have to live with it in the log run. The kids adore him, and i would never be the one to break that bond unless there were serious behavioural issues presenting themselves. At the moment it's just confusion and tears, that i can handle by being my kind of parent. He may have been a low down lousy kind of husband but he has always been a great dad. Makes it even more astonishing to me that he can be handling so illogically, hence i think he may just have lost his mind (maybe only temporarily though..

Big Mac.. Wow. Powerful words. My next appointment with my lawyer is on the 13th. I am looking forward to it very much.

Soca... NO! i keep on hearing it but as a newie i have no idea! Somebody help me out pls. ?

Hi Road... Thanks,,, i will keep reading reading reading and trying not to backslide. Right now i feel like i can just go for it, but that can change so fast. I'm up and down like a rollercoaster these days

Thanks all again for writing..

 

[oncehisangel]

The Healing Heart: The 180


there you are sweetheart.. stay strong now..

 

[twoforwardoneback]

OH thankyou...! that's going to be what i read every morning from now until forever.

 

[Chuck71]

Analogy-My father and I fought like he!!. If it was finance, we thought the same, anything else we were at odds. Resentment in many ways. He passed away 16 years ago(I was 24). I regret so many things. Life is not about making mistakes but not making them again and again. Never lose your convictions but realize all are human. Forgiveness is key. But in your case, I can't blame you for not.

 

[twoforwardoneback]

Yes, you are right Chuck71 ... forgiveness is the key. I would like to be able to forgive everything, but i am still stuck getting past the hurt and the (unfortunately)hate. I keep seeing pictures all over facebook of him and his new girlfriend and it's making me nuts. I guess eventhough we fought like cat and dog and even with everything that's happened part of me still loves him enough to get jealous. I am on that ****ty merry-go-round of asking what is so much better about her than me? What can she do that i couldn't, sinking in self doubt and letting every insecurity i have ever had come to the fore. Then the circle turns and i get angry that he just cast me aside, after 10 years of hard work, having his children and trying to do whatever he wanted to make him happy and everything we built up together. I don't know what feels worse, the hurting part and the self doubt or the ball of hate that rises up in my throat after i'm done with the first part of the cycle that honestly feels like it's going to choke me. They're probably both not healthy
I have realised alot of patterns in our relationship that probably led to our demise, alot of mistakes that i made with not only him but in all my previous relationships also. Trying to learn from them this time so that i don't make those same mistakes again (if i ever have another relationship.. and i doubt it at this point, i am too damaged) is definately my goal.
I guess, i'll just have to wait and see...

 

[Stella Moon]

Yes, you are right Chuck71 ... forgiveness is the key. I would like to be able to forgive everything, but i am still stuck getting past the hurt and the (unfortunately)hate. I keep seeing pictures all over facebook of him and his new girlfriend and it's making me nuts. I guess eventhough we fought like cat and dog and even with everything that's happened part of me still loves him enough to get jealous. I am on that ****ty merry-go-round of asking what is so much better about her than me? What can she do that i couldn't, sinking in self doubt and letting every insecurity i have ever had come to the fore. Then the circle turns and i get angry that he just cast me aside, after 10 years of hard work, having his children and trying to do whatever he wanted to make him happy and everything we built up together. I don't know what feels worse, the hurting part and the self doubt or the ball of hate that rises up in my throat after i'm done with the first part of the cycle that honestly feels like it's going to choke me. They're probably both not healthy
I have realised alot of patterns in our relationship that probably led to our demise, alot of mistakes that i made with not only him but in all my previous relationships also. Trying to learn from them this time so that i don't make those same mistakes again (if i ever have another relationship.. and i doubt it at this point, i am too damaged) is definately my goal.
I guess, i'll just have to wait and see...

block block block...block him...and anyone who tags or posts pics of them...you don't need to expose yourself to that crap. block him..unfriend him or whatever it takes...don't let him have the satisfaction of him being able to see that you can see! If your kids have a fb also...too bad..block him...and be done with the networking part of it all.. your feelings are normal...I have the same ones too...and I hear all the time how they will pass...so we wait it out...but don't expose yourself to it...

I have to 'divert' my eye so often when im at work here on some days..some days I can handle looking him into the eye and some days I just can't...but I still have to 'hear' his voice...his happy happy laughter...and occasionally I even smell him...it sucks man...but down the road here I should be on a different shift and he also should be where it won't be happening anymore and unless we work a 'hit' shift...we won't be working together regularly...
block him...divert your eyes woman...

 

[whitehawk]

I dunno about read read read , go easy on yourself l say , for me anyway. Reading all this stuff just made me too sick for 4 or 5 wks at first. lt was too much too soon on top of what had happened ..
Came here and scanned a few things , had a few rants , but then just couldn't face any more for wks it was all making me puke.
l'm finding now though that a fair bit of time here is really really helping me now that l'm more at terms with waht's happened.

l also dunno how people dive into legals so fast, really don't. Neither of us had the mental space left right now for that stuff, too soon and luckily at least we can still be fair with each other.

l personally would've had another stab at him bout moving out.Sounds like he might have with enough prodding.Stuff his work , better than having him and the other two in your home and you not .
The kids can still see him I mean they're missing out on you now and at that age your soo so important for them . Him to l know but the mother is huge right now.
Hu , my daughter didn't stop her finding a rental one iota. He response was oh she'll be right , she can see ya whenever she wants
Oh well - that's ok then - right !
lt's sinking into to her now though , daughters been giving her hell - nice, thank god chris holidays are so close.

Hang in there two , a day at a time right now , one problem at a time to if poss' . Everyone will be here for you.

 

[BigMac]

Yes, you are right Chuck71 ... forgiveness is the key. I would like to be able to forgive everything, but i am still stuck getting past the hurt and the (unfortunately)hate. I keep seeing pictures all over facebook of him and his new girlfriend and it's making me nuts. I guess eventhough we fought like cat and dog and even with everything that's happened part of me still loves him enough to get jealous. I am on that ****ty merry-go-round of asking what is so much better about her than me? What can she do that i couldn't, sinking in self doubt and letting every insecurity i have ever had come to the fore. Then the circle turns and i get angry that he just cast me aside, after 10 years of hard work, having his children and trying to do whatever he wanted to make him happy and everything we built up together. I don't know what feels worse, the hurting part and the self doubt or the ball of hate that rises up in my throat after i'm done with the first part of the cycle that honestly feels like it's going to choke me. They're probably both not healthy
I have realised alot of patterns in our relationship that probably led to our demise, alot of mistakes that i made with not only him but in all my previous relationships also. Trying to learn from them this time so that i don't make those same mistakes again (if i ever have another relationship.. and i doubt it at this point, i am too damaged) is definately my goal.
I guess, i'll just have to wait and see...

Yes hon, you know he do in by purpose !

Do you wanna hear the GOOD news ?

By doing this he pretend he is happy , but in fact he is not even close !

Also , doing this it means he is INSECURE big time ( by showing his "happy" pictures hes asking for recognition and attention and those two are the mom and dad of insecure ) !

SO , sit back and relax , work on you self and IGNORE him as much as possible !

 

[twoforwardoneback]

block block block...block him...and anyone who tags or posts pics of them...you don't need to expose yourself to that crap. block him..unfriend him or whatever it takes...don't let him have the satisfaction of him being able to see that you can see! If your kids have a fb also...too bad..block him...and be done with the networking part of it all.. your feelings are normal...I have the same ones too...and I hear all the time how they will pass...so we wait it out...but don't expose yourself to it...

I have to 'divert' my eye so often when im at work here on some days..some days I can handle looking him into the eye and some days I just can't...but I still have to 'hear' his voice...his happy happy laughter...and occasionally I even smell him...it sucks man...but down the road here I should be on a different shift and he also should be where it won't be happening anymore and unless we work a 'hit' shift...we won't be working together regularly...
block him...divert your eyes woman...

Oh gos h i know i should block him and be done with it. Maybe it's the masochistic side to me that makes me want to know but at the same time not want to know :scratchhead:

 

[twoforwardoneback]

Yes hon, you know he do in by purpose !

Do you wanna hear the GOOD news ?

By doing this he pretend he is happy , but in fact he is not even close !

Also , doing this it means he is INSECURE big time ( by showing his "happy" pictures hes asking for recognition and attention and those two are the mom and dad of insecure ) !

SO , sit back and relax , work on you self and IGNORE him as much as possible !

I am coming to realise that now... He is playing out his midlife crisis in front of the whole damn town. I was thinking that i was kinda embarrassed for him, unsure if i was being irrational about that because i was jealous or whatever. Last night i saw a friend of mine (a mutual friend of ours who has known him for twice as long as i have) and she told me that her husband
saw him at a party on the weekend with his new girl. All she said was that her husband came home and said that he prayed to god that he would never start to act so embarrassingly in public at his age. Nice to know that even people who are totally impartial are thinking the same way... Schadenfreud i think they call it... ! whatever! It made me feel a whole lot better than i have felt in days

 

[soca70]

That's a killer feeling. I check her FB every other day if it sill says Married to me. It's the torn between wanting to know and not wanting to know. I'm starting to lean more towards not wanting to but it is hard.

 

[Chuck71]

Life like vacuum, he get sucked in easily
but they are blown out as quick
pieces to be picked up, roads to be patched
then up to you to allow driveway to be fixed

 

[twoforwardoneback]

That's a killer feeling. I check her FB every other day if it sill says Married to me. It's the torn between wanting to know and not wanting to know. I'm starting to lean more towards not wanting to but it is hard.

Like rubbing salt into an open wound.
Damn you facebook.

 

[HiRoad]

Been S2.5 mnts and 2 wks ago my W de-freinded me! On top of that she has her 3 besties de-freind me also 2wks after the bomb!

Me, i never mentioned anything about it to her, nor do i update anything on my FB, it is as if i never log on to it... my FB is a ghost town.

FB and instagram drive me crazy!

 

[Chuck71]

I don't look at mine.....I did not reactivate my FB until after the talk happened. When she dropped married from her front page (several weeks ago), I waited several days and posted separated on mine. I don't think she was even aware I reactivated mine until recently. But no, I don't look. If it's not changed it gives false hope and if it shows pics with others at clubs or where ever, all it's going to do is process mind movies. The best thing is to sit back and not look. If everything falls and D is final....s/he or a close friend will see you in town, with someone new and that will do 100x more than a party pic.