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Thank you very much, I cannot understand now why is the need of all of this? If you don't love somebody why don't you leave? Why the betrayal?
If someone is rich why do they still steal. Greed. No different.
 

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At the very least you wife had an emotional affair, that is why she hid the number. She also brought your kids around him. She has treated you and your marriage with no respect. She also has no real fear that you will do anything that is why she is not forthcoming with information. She thinks you are just going to put up with it.

You need to find your courage and be assertive. FIRST THING. Contact his wife, tell her everything you know, your wife had his number in her phone under a women's name, they have met up on dates with both kids along. Your wife told you it was love at first site. (DON'T TELL YOUR WIFE YOU ARE DOING THIS). See if she just somehow finds out.

Go see a divorce lawyer just so you know your rights. DNA test your kids.

When your wife starts to give you a bunch of crap, just like a the type of women with a secret boyfriend will do when you call them on their BS, call her out on it. Tell her you could do a lot better as she is liar and a phony and she better straighten up very quick because you are about 99% done.

Honestly as soon as she comes into you I would say - "stop, you better think very carefully what the next words out of your mouth are going to be, if it's not a straight up come to Jesus apology and how you going to fix yourself then don't even open your mouth." Then is she tried to give you some more ********, give her the papers and go stay in a hotel.

Go find a women who actually cares about you.

Action is what is needed, not passiveness. This is a bunch of crap she dumped on you time to call her on it.
 

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So to be clear...

You were in a relationship with your now wife for some time - at least from 2004 if not longer. When did you get together and were you exclusive even though you were not married?

Around 2004 (presumably while in a relationship with you) she meets this married guy and it was love at first sight. He eventually got divorced (and she may have even contributed to this).

She talks about him a lot but hides what they were actually doing.

By her own admission, they had sex (probably multiple times).

She kept you strung along by offering you sex and pretending to be your girlfriend (fiancee?).

You then get married in 2007 and her explanation of that is she chose you. Did she offer why she chose you if she was in love (at first sight) with him?

You then find she was still in contact with him just after you got married and she had him listed in her phone as a female (as others have said, a normal cheaters trick).

Your kid was born 13 years ago so say 2009. With her still being in contact with him you need to DNA test your kid to ensure he really is yours.

He gets remarried ? She stays in contact with him and eventually takes your kid to see him and his kids at the beach but does not include you in this.

Two years ago you have another kid - could also be his.

You find all this out and confront her and later, him. She says sorry once but then gets irritated with you saying you should let this go as she has apologised and this was a long time ago. Even though she knows you know that they were/are still in contact.

When you confront him, he also gets impatient and defensive with you.

If this is accurate then her first crime was having an affair with him when she was in a committed exclusive relationship with you and lying about it (especially the part where it was love at first sight).

Her second crime was continuing to stay in contact with him even after she was married and not telling you. She even had him under a different (female) name listed in your phone.

Her third crime is her complete lack of remorse and empathy.
 

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I'm late to this thread but your wife is definitely not to be trusted.

I have male friends, some I have had for close to 30 years. They are in my phone under their names. Many have now become my husband's friends too. I don't send them messages about missing them or kissing them. We generally talk about work or sports. DH knows when & where I am in contact with them. Oftentimes when they call I put them on speaker. It's all above board & they are friends to my marriage, not a threat to it.

The fact that she listed him under a woman's name, that she's hiding him is a giant red flag. Her flippant answer about whether it was sex was not reassuring nor was it a denial. If she loved you & had nothing to hide, your feelings would be paramount. They are not.

While her relationship with him is probably sexual, even in the absence of concrete proof, she has made it abundantly clear that you, her husband & your marriage are not her priorities. She cares more about the other guy than you. Knowing this, you have to decide if you are willing to stick around & continue to be her doormat.
 

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OP, wow this is a bad situation.

From my perspective, no one would ever admit sex if it didn't happen. Even though her admission was based on "if it makes you happy, we had sex"... I think that confirms PA. (in my mind, this is a deal breaker by itself).

The fact that she hid his name in her phone this whole time and was in contact, chances are this is a long term affair.

Yes, you need to DNA your kids, ASAP...first, it sends a message about how badly she broke your trust, but also may confirm how severe the affair was or wasn't.

You should track down his first wife who divorced him and talk to her, she likely knows what happened back then.

Cheaters are selfish, she wants you to be over this so you will stop bothering her about it. She doesn't care about you recovering from her affair, and also likely doesn't want to cut contact with the OM.

VAR her car.

Tell her you want to get past it, and to do so, you need a thorough timeline of their relationship and a follow up polygraph to verify it is correct.

Other posters are correct, people with nothing to hide, hide nothing... her reaction to your request for timeline and poly will be telling.
 

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OP, I know we are all nonchalantly throwing around the DNA your kid discussion, but we realize it is a huge deal for you.... we are only putting it out there because we've seen it happen numerous times around here unfortunately. Often times it is a wake up call for the cheating spouse also...
 

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bsoare I'm sorry you are going through this. Most of the advice here has been very good.

From my vantage point, the question of whether or not she actually cheated on you is a side topic. What blares out at me is just how much disrespect and disdain she has exhibited towards you and the marriage.

You confronted her and asked her legitimate and questions about the nature of her relationship with the other man, and she reacted with prevarication, anger and hostility. That is not the actions of a woman who loves or respects her husband.

She wants you to "get over it", to sweep it all under the rug and go back to being the passive and accepting rube she wants you to be, instead of being understanding and empathetic towards the pain she has put you through. That also is not the behavior of a loving spouse.

She is an entitled, disrespectful and selfish human being who has proven to you through her actions that she will always put herself first in the relationship. That is not a marriage. That is not a partnership. That is despotism.

I am with the others who advocate getting DNA tests done for the children. You should treat every word that comes out of her mouth as a lie unless you can verify it yourself.
 

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You need to do dna tests on your kids.
it looks like she has been in contact with him this whole time you were married.
I’d be especially concerned about the two year old!
Start taking a stand - you need to get strong and take action! She’s been disrespecting you the whole time you’ve been with her!

why would you want to stay with any woman who isn’t respecting you? Who is cheating on you? And who expects you to look the other way when she obviously has had a relationship ship with you this whole time based on dishonesty?
 

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Hello, at the early stages of our relationship 18 years ago my wife met a guy when she was at work. She kept telling me about him and I had some strange feelings about that and I always told her maybe she would stop talking with him, she many times said ok I will stop. 5 months ago I saw that she had him in her phone as a female contact, and I discovered some old emails where she sent him pics of her saying I'm thinking of you, kiss you.

She said there was love at first sight between them back then but she chose me. I’m very confuse right now as she doesn’t want to discuss about that saying I make a big deal out of nothing. She lied about the amount of the time they talked on the phone as I found out from the phone records. I’ve talked with both of them and they were very defensive and irritated. What to do know?

She says I cannot forgive, how should I forgive If I don’t have enough information or without her efforts to help me. She even said it’s already been 5 months since you discovered can you get over it already?

I’m confused right now, insecure…don’t know what to do. I think I don’t know the past and I’m afraid of the future. She doesn’t want us to get professional help she says it’s nothing and I feel her less close to me. I cannot say her anything., we only talk about general stuff and have sex.

Thank you
You are being Gaslighted my friend she still has a relationship with him and every single thing she is doing is plainly saying she is cheating on you. This really is chapter 1 of the cheaters handbook.
The number under a girls name so you won't find it the not wanting to discuss it with you the blame shifting saying you can't forgive, instead of her trying to understand and fix things. Of course they were both defensive and laughing their heads off as soon as you left. They think your a total fool.
You had to find out from phone records well next is the P.I. he or she will get the proof then if they work together report them to their HR dept. She also doesn't want to go to counselling because she doesn't care or is afraid the whole truth will come out.
There are so many RED FLAGS here it is making my head spin. Your her back up Plan my friend and if this other guy commits to her she will Monkey Branch to him I will stake my life on it.
He hasn't committed to her yet probably has a wife and kids and is just using her.
Get the P.I. get the evidence and hit her with divorce don't keep ***** footing around and don't tell her shock her with the divorce papers at work in front of everyone.
 

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HIDING the relationship is certainly suspect.
but i am not of the camp that declares "you can never have a friend of the opposite sex".
People who think that have never been in business, where you have to cultivate friendships and mentors all thru your career. A woman who never made a single opposite-sex friend in business would be going NOWHERE in the corporate structure. Talk about an impenetrable glass ceiling!
Yes but you don't do the things she is doing so many Red Flags here.
 

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I am sorry you find yourself in this situation. There clearly was an affair that may be still active. Also, it is clear your wife does not respect or love you. You need to take control of this. Tell her affair partners wife that your wife admitted to sleeping with him. Consult a lawyer to see what a divorce would look like. If you would seriously consider divorce, tell your wife that she has to convince you to stay in the marriage, and that starts with full honesty. If she doesn't do anything substantial, it will confirm that she has emotionally left the marriage already.
From what he is saying she was never committed to this marriage at anytime. He was just her fall back guy.
 

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At the very least you wife had an emotional affair, that is why she hid the number. She also brought your kids around him. She has treated you and your marriage with no respect. She also has no real fear that you will do anything that is why she is not forthcoming with information. She thinks you are just going to put up with it.

You need to find your courage and be assertive. FIRST THING. Contact his wife, tell her everything you know, your wife had his number in her phone under a women's name, they have met up on dates with both kids along. Your wife told you it was love at first site. (DON'T TELL YOUR WIFE YOU ARE DOING THIS). See if she just somehow finds out.

Go see a divorce lawyer just so you know your rights. DNA test your kids.

When your wife starts to give you a bunch of crap, just like a the type of women with a secret boyfriend will do when you call them on their BS, call her out on it. Tell her you could do a lot better as she is liar and a phony and she better straighten up very quick because you are about 99% done.

Honestly as soon as she comes into you I would say - "stop, you better think very carefully what the next words out of your mouth are going to be, if it's not a straight up come to Jesus apology and how you going to fix yourself then don't even open your mouth." Then is she tried to give you some more ****, give her the papers and go stay in a hotel.

Go find a women who actually cares about you.

Action is what is needed, not passiveness. This is a bunch of crap she dumped on you time to call her on it.
I concur 100%
 
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