[bsoare]

Hello, at the early stages of our relationship 18 years ago my wife met a guy when she was at work. She kept telling me about him and I had some strange feelings about that and I always told her maybe she would stop talking with him, she many times said ok I will stop. 5 months ago I saw that she had him in her phone as a female contact, and I discovered some old emails where she sent him pics of her saying I'm thinking of you, kiss you.

She said there was love at first sight between them back then but she chose me. I’m very confuse right now as she doesn’t want to discuss about that saying I make a big deal out of nothing. She lied about the amount of the time they talked on the phone as I found out from the phone records. I’ve talked with both of them and they were very defensive and irritated. What to do know?

She says I cannot forgive, how should I forgive If I don’t have enough information or without her efforts to help me. She even said it’s already been 5 months since you discovered can you get over it already?

I’m confused right now, insecure…don’t know what to do. I think I don’t know the past and I’m afraid of the future. She doesn’t want us to get professional help she says it’s nothing and I feel her less close to me. I cannot say her anything., we only talk about general stuff and have sex.

Thank you

 

[Andy1001]

She was cheating on you and judging by her response to your questions she still is.
You don’t say whether or not you have children but I know divorce is very easy in Romania if there’s no kids involved.
Maybe let your wife know this. Also consider if your wife’s boyfriend is married or in a marriage and let his partner know.

 

[Tested_by_stress]

People with nothing to hide, hide nothing. The fact she tried to hide him in her contacts, screams guilt. No straight man that I've ever met would keep a purely emotional affair going for that length of time.

 

[jonty30]

Hello, at the early stages of our relationship 18 years ago my wife met a guy when she was at work. She kept telling me about him and I had some strange feelings about that and I always told her maybe she would stop talking with him, she many times said ok I will stop. 5 months ago I saw that she had him in her phone as a female contact, and I discovered some old emails where she sent him pics of her saying I'm thinking of you, kiss you.

She said there was love at first sight between them back then but she chose me. I’m very confuse right now as she doesn’t want to discuss about that saying I make a big deal out of nothing. She lied about the amount of the time they talked on the phone as I found out from the phone records. I’ve talked with both of them and they were very defensive and irritated. What to do know?

She says I cannot forgive, how should I forgive If I don’t have enough information or without her efforts to help me. She even said it’s already been 5 months since you discovered can you get over it already?

I’m confused right now, insecure…don’t know what to do. I think I don’t know the past and I’m afraid of the future. She doesn’t want us to get professional help she says it’s nothing and I feel her less close to me. I cannot say her anything., we only talk about general stuff and have sex.

Thank you

When she says that she choose you, it means that he dropped her and moved on.
If he's being defensive, it got physical. You can almost be sure of that.
No guy sticks around unless he's going to get some.
The fact that she kept him in her phone is telling. She has good memories of their relationship.

 

[Mr.Married]

It’s a little unclear… was all of this a long time ago or did you find something recent besides the contact in her phone?

 

[BeyondRepair007]

Sorry to say @bsoare but I agree with other people here.
You wife is not yours alone. And may have never been.
She started the affair 18 years ago and is still with him. You can bet it is not just emotional.

 

[Tatsuhiko]

I could understand if she still had him in her contacts from 18 years ago. But the truth is that people really didn't have smartphones back then. His contact info was added recently and it's more disturbing that she concealed his name.

Did you confront her about her lies related to the number of phone calls? Ask her directly why she felt the need to conceal his name and lie about the amount of contact she's had with him. Ask her what else she's lied about.

She says I cannot forgive...

Was there ever an actual apology for either lie?

 

[Marc878]

Cheaters lie a lot. That’s all you’re getting. Having him in her phone as a female is an old cheater trick. She’s kept him there for a reason. Check your phone bills for data to and from his number.
It was probably a physical affair. If he’s married inform his wife. Talking to him or your wife will get you nothing. It’s a waste of time.
Your wife is a cake eater. She’s in love with her affair partner not you.

 

[bsoare]

I could understand if she still had him in her contacts from 18 years ago. But the truth is that people really didn't have smartphones back then. His contact info was added recently and it's more disturbing that she concealed his name.

Did you confront her about her lies related to the number of phone calls? Ask her directly why she felt the need to conceal his name and lie about the amount of contact she's had with him. Ask her what else she's lied about.



Was there ever an actual apology for either lie?

Apology only once.

 

[marko polo]

Hello, at the early stages of our relationship 18 years ago my wife met a guy when she was at work. She kept telling me about him and I had some strange feelings about that and I always told her maybe she would stop talking with him, she many times said ok I will stop. 5 months ago I saw that she had him in her phone as a female contact, and I discovered some old emails where she sent him pics of her saying I'm thinking of you, kiss you.

She said there was love at first sight between them back then but she chose me. I’m very confuse right now as she doesn’t want to discuss about that saying I make a big deal out of nothing. She lied about the amount of the time they talked on the phone as I found out from the phone records. I’ve talked with both of them and they were very defensive and irritated. What to do know?

She says I cannot forgive, how should I forgive If I don’t have enough information or without her efforts to help me. She even said it’s already been 5 months since you discovered can you get over it already?

I’m confused right now, insecure…don’t know what to do. I think I don’t know the past and I’m afraid of the future. She doesn’t want us to get professional help she says it’s nothing and I feel her less close to me.

Thank you

They are a FWB and you are a back up plan, a wallet nothing more.
"I cannot say her anything., we only talk about general stuff and have sex."

Of course they are defensive. Neither your wife or the other man want the sex to end. They are still involved with each other. Adults have unprotected sex during affairs. They aren't just talking. She hasn't been hiding him as a female contact without reason.

 

[bsoare]

Cheaters lie a lot. That’s all you’re getting. Having him in her phone as a female is an old cheater trick. She’s kept him there for a reason. Check your phone bills for data to and from his number.
It was probably a physical affair. If he’s married inform his wife. Talking to him or your wife will get you nothing. It’s a waste of time.
Your wife is a cake eater. She’s in love with her affair partner not you.

It's really hard.

 

[Talker67]

jeez, you are possibly getting some REALLY BAD ADVICE here^.

all the facts support is they are friends and talk on the phone from time to time.

there is not any evidence that they had phsyical sex. Maybe if you uncovered some past text messages it would become clear one way or the other. but no, there is no reason for you to consider divorcing her for cheating on you, because you have not found any evidence, nor gotten a confession from her.

 

[bsoare]

jeez, you are possibly getting some REALLY BAD ADVICE here^.

all the facts support is they are friends and talk on the phone from time to time.

there is not any evidence that they had phsyical sex. Maybe if you uncovered some past text messages it would become clear one way or the other. but no, there is no reason for you to consider divorcing her for cheating on you, because you have not found any evidence, nor gotten a confession from her.

When I asked her if it was sex she told me "if it makes you feel better, it was". What should I understand?

jeez, you are possibly getting some REALLY BAD ADVICE here^.

all the facts support is they are friends and talk on the phone from time to time.

there is not any evidence that they had phsyical sex. Maybe if you uncovered some past text messages it would become clear one way or the other. but no, there is no reason for you to consider divorcing her for cheating on you, because you have not found any evidence, nor gotten a confession from her.

When I asked if it was sex she told me, "if it makes you feel good, yes it was" what should I understand?

 

[Sfort]

It's really hard.

To be fair, the bad news you're getting here is very probably accurate. Reponses are based on real life experiences over a long period of time. However, it's not 100% certain that your wife is having an affair. You need to take steps to get to the truth. VAR, tracker, lie detector, etc. There are many ways to do your homework and satisfy yourself that she is, in fact, cheating.

 

[Marc878]

You only need enough information for yourself. This isn’t a court of law where you have to have concrete evidence.

 

[Marc878]

It's really hard.

Yes, the facts usually are.

 

[bobert]

jeez, you are possibly getting some REALLY BAD ADVICE here^.

all the facts support is they are friends and talk on the phone from time to time.

there is not any evidence that they had phsyical sex. Maybe if you uncovered some past text messages it would become clear one way or the other. but no, there is no reason for you to consider divorcing her for cheating on you, because you have not found any evidence, nor gotten a confession from her.

Since when do friends need to be hidden in their contacts under the opposite sex?

 

[Talker67]

Since when do friends need to be hidden in their contacts under the opposite sex?

even that might just be she is a little embarassed to keep talking with him, and tries to hide it. it does not mean they had wild kinky physical sex for the last 18 years!

 

[redmarshall]

well from where I am at, there can be no reconciliation unless the truth is out first. Give her the opportunity to express her version of events fully, and you can tell her that she shouldn't fear any reaction from you. So that first you can have the facts, only when you know fully what all has happened can you take steps (Whatever they maybe) to either rebuild or jettison.

 

[bobert]

even that might just be she is a little embarassed to keep talking with him, and tries to hide it. it does not mean they had wild kinky physical sex for the last 18 years!

No, she's doing it to hide something - their relationship. Have they been screwing for 18 years? That's unclear, but the friendship is inappropriate at best.