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Discussion Starter #1
Hi everyone. My H and I have been having a hard go with our
marriage.
Five days ago, we were getting our livingroom in order because it
was a mess. There was bags of recycle that my H wants to shred, but the plastic bags were falling apart, so I got a garbage bag and was going to put it all in one bag so it would be more organized. He blew up! Said everything was just fine, and I didn't need to mess with it. He just kept ranting about what I had done.
He wouldn't even listen to what I wanted to do.
Fast forward to the other night. I had the audacity to bring my H's laundry from the basement. Again he blew up, and said that he would have left it till the next day, that I didn't listen. Again ranting on and on about what I had done, and that I didn't listen. He told me today that if I hadn't pushed his buttons by doing these things, he wouldn't get angry. That I had to be right all the time.
He doesn't believe he is abusive.
I feel like I need one of his family members to intervene. To let my H know that what he is doing isn't right. Do you think I
should?
 

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Hi everyone. My H and I have been having a hard go with our
marriage.
Five days ago, we were getting our livingroom in order because it
was a mess. There was bags of recycle that my H wants to shred, but the plastic bags were falling apart, so I got a garbage bag and was going to put it all in one bag so it would be more organized. He blew up! Said everything was just fine, and I didn't need to mess with it. He just kept ranting about what I had done.
He wouldn't even listen to what I wanted to do.
Fast forward to the other night. I had the audacity to bring my H's laundry from the basement. Again he blew up, and said that he would have left it till the next day, that I didn't listen. Again ranting on and on about what I had done, and that I didn't listen. He told me today that if I hadn't pushed his buttons by doing these things, he wouldn't get angry. That I had to be right all the time.
He doesn't believe he is abusive.
I feel like I need one of his family members to intervene. To let my H know that what he is doing isn't right. Do you think I
should?
This is definitely a statement normally made from an abuser..

How long have you been married?
 

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I have to believe, in this case, there is something there he didn't want you to see. Time to start researching... Just Sayin'
 

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Could be a host of reasons he acted that way, stress over his job, hiding something, feeling like you blame him for things (mine does that - I mentioned the wet spot in the yard that we thought we had fixed last week and he blew up at me; then said he thought I was blaming him. huh?)

Anyway, ANY time a person says 'if you hadn't done ABC, I wouldn't have done XYZ,' it's a safe bet you need to at least consider an abusive/controlling personality.

But no, do NOT bring his family into this. Not yet. Maybe later.

Keep a note pad in your pocket and every time he blows up like that, write down what he said, with time and date. See if you see a pattern.
 

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Discussion Starter #5
We have been married for 26 years.
He works for a company that does security for events, but they seldom have work for him. Maybe at the most 6 times a year.
He doesn't believe he has control issues. Why is that not surprising, I doubt any abuser wants to admit he has a problem.
I wish I could open his eyes before its too late. I believe its getting to that point.
Is a marriage counselor the only one who can do this?
 

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Did he just start doing this, or has he always been like this?
 

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:iagree: with turnera ...... some subtle monitoring needed here. The issues you say caused him to explode are normal couples helping eachother. My W did those things for me when we were working together Id kive a little peck on the lips and say "thank you".

If this is a continual issue with such little provercation (and helping him isnt) then it could be the start of a rage related issue. Is there a job issue causing stress?
 

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Holy crap, so the guy gets angry twice and he is an abuser? WTF people... He may be or not. But from this description you're jumping the gun. We don't know his side.

Is it possible that if he stays at home he is seeing those things she did as some sort of criticism of the work he is doing around the house? A LOT of women do that kind of crap. Go behind their husbands and redo what they did because they didn't "do it right" around the house.

This is definitely a statement normally made from an abuser..
And also made from anyone who has ever got mad at his/her partner, man or female.

Having seen what real abuse looks like from up close i dislike people just throwing that word around like its magical "I win". You do it long enough and often enough and people will devalue what is a very serious accusation and real abusers will get off easy.
 

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That's what I said, costa - that it could be a host of reasons including feeling criticized. And that's why we've been asking her more questions, to get a better feel for the truth.
 

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And also made from anyone who has ever got mad at his/her partner, man or female.
Not true. I have NEVER said 'if you wouldn't have ddd I wouldn't have fddff.'

And that very statement is to be found in just about every abuse book out there.
 

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Not true. I have NEVER said 'if you wouldn't have ddd I wouldn't have fddff.'

And that very statement is to be found in just about every abuse book out there.
Maybe you just have had the luck of not being put in that spot? And yes, abusers often use that damn line, but using it doesn't make one automatically an abuser!
 

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Discussion Starter #14 (Edited)
I was working and supporting us for 5 years after my H got fired
from his regular job. 7 months ago I was fired from my job, but looking for another. My unemployment just ran out, but a cheque
will be comming through work that will keep us going for a little while.
When he was fired, I was furious at first because it was his own fault for being fired. For one thing being very open about his dislike for the new general manager. Critisizing the new ways of
doing things in the store that he implemented.
All the years he had been out of work, I was supportive of his efforts to find another job. Only once did I get mad at him for not making an effort to find a job.
As for him keeping the house clean. He does does help with that, and I thank him for what he does. I don't critisize the way he does it, or go behind his back and re-do things he has done. But he won't throw things out.
That bag of recycle that he said he is going to shred has been in the living room for YEARS.(by the way that bag is STILL in the living room, just hidden behind my lounge chair.) He wouldn't throw out the magazines and crap on the coffee table. I finally had to put my foot down.
You should see the basement. We don't have one. All the crap that should go to the dump, and he won't do it.

Its depressing to live in a mess. It made me feel so much better to see our living room more of a living space.
I see the living room as the first step to getting rid of all the junk in the house.
Its tug of war when it comes to the junk.
Don't make me out to be some raving *****. You don't know what I have put up with over the years.
And of course, his perspective is that I have to always right. Which isn't true. Im not looking to be right all the time.
 

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I don't think you're a "raving...", I'm not convinced it's abuse, but it certainly does sound like it. I lived it for years, it was subtle for a long time, very controling, jealous, critical, trying to control my emotions by telling me how I should fee, turning things around to make me feel crazy. Not all play the victim card, but mine certainly did, he went around trying to blame others for what happened to him, and he never took any responsibility for our problems in our marriage.

And now, he's my ex....lol

Sometimes you don't realize it's abuse, we aren't aware of what it is until we put a label on it. Then it's like "what???, omg, that's what I have been going through".

The bag in the living room for years, wow....

There is a lot of info. on the internet, that's where I started.

Not to sound too pesimistic, but counseling won't work unless the person admits to having a problem, believe me, after 25 years, and many counselors, and him still not believing he had a problem, I gave up. I made some mistakes of course, but a person can only take ownership of 50% of marriage difficulties.

good luck
 

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Hi everyone. My H and I have been having a hard go with our
marriage.
Five days ago, we were getting our livingroom in order because it
was a mess. There was bags of recycle that my H wants to shred, but the plastic bags were falling apart, so I got a garbage bag and was going to put it all in one bag so it would be more organized. He blew up! Said everything was just fine, and I didn't need to mess with it. He just kept ranting about what I had done.
He wouldn't even listen to what I wanted to do.
Fast forward to the other night. I had the audacity to bring my H's laundry from the basement. Again he blew up, and said that he would have left it till the next day, that I didn't listen. Again ranting on and on about what I had done, and that I didn't listen. He told me today that if I hadn't pushed his buttons by doing these things, he wouldn't get angry. That I had to be right all the time.
He doesn't believe he is abusive.
I feel like I need one of his family members to intervene. To let my H know that what he is doing isn't right. Do you think I
should?
You've been with him for 26 yrs. so you would know if he's abusive by now.

He has anger issues that's for sure & I wouldn't put up with it & I would move the garbage out of the living room no matter what he said.

Are you afraid of him?
 
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