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Discussion Starter #1 (Edited)
Hi,

I have been talking to a girl for about six months now. She is 20 years and I am 33. Right from the beginning, she asked my age and made it clear that she wants to marry a very good and successful man, 30-35 years (definitely not younger). Ideally, she wants to marry within maybe one year from now. Her parents live in a different country and she has lived by herself for many years now. She says she does not want to be alone anymore.

Unfortunately we periodically run into problems. I want to determine if she has some kind of personality disorder or no. If so, I have to adapt myself to best take care of her.

I want you to look at the following and tell me if these are normal or no in your opinion. She typically blames me for them.

1. Lack of trust. She is very suspicious that I have relationships with other girls. My colleague, whose wife is named X in this post, sometimes invites me for a BBQ or a birthday party. She seriously thinks that X has an affair with me. She says X is too close to you in her FB photos and leans on you. I fully explained that there is nothing between us; you can see her husband is always with us too and she takes similar photos (which are normal) with other guys too.

Her mistrust is not limited to X and generalizes to almost any female around me. Even distant co-workers and people in other countries. I have to report every minor detail about past women in my life and present ones who I may see.

2. Irrationally sensitive. She is often normal but sometimes, every 1-2 weeks or so, she makes a HUGE deal out of something small/irrelevant and becomes depressed. For example, I once asked her if her current work is voluntary or paid and she almost made a fight over this! Or she calls me when I am sleeping and if I say I am sleeping, let me sleep one more hour and then we will talk, she later complains that she cared about me that she called me and I was harsh to her. I always have to respond with much care. She is particularly extremely sensitive to any lie (like if I say I ate at KFC instead of McDonald).

3. Controlling and manipulative. She calls multiple times a day. She asks where I eat, with who, what time, when I will be back to office, etc. I have to be precise and consistent in my response (otherwise it's a basis for mistrust). She specially looks for female presence in my day and any kind of lie. If I'm late from lunch 1-2 hours from what I promised, it's an issue. When I said I stay at X's birthday only one hour, but I stayed 4-5 hours and didn't return her calls, we had a two days fight and she almost broke up with me. That was HUGE problem. I (voluntarily) copy paste my professional emails for her to earn her trust. She comments how I should respond to these emails.

4. Impatient and unstable. She messages multiple times a day om FB, Skype, phone, and if I respond later than few hours, more messages come, she is upset and asks if something is wrong. When we have problems, she cries easily and her facial expression changes. If we chat, and I don't respond immediately, she is worried.


5. Fear. She fears loosing me. She says she should come with me so that all ex women and approaching ones see us together. She always says be very careful that others don't flirt with you. She also fears that she is left alone.

6. Dependent. She seems too emotionally dependent on me. She has to call me many times a day and message on FB and Skype. To the point that I feel it might interfere with her school work.

7. Hardly takes criticism. I explain to her, logically, and by example, that her behavior is not normal for this and that reason. She keeps blaming me. She says she hates guys who [often] tell her she has a personality problem, while later it turns out that they were all liars and cheated on her. She gets very much upset if I say her behavior is unmoral. But, to my surprise, I managed to convince her to see a counselor with me.

It seems that something is not right with her. I know others have cheated on her in the past. That could be the reason that she doesn't trust other people. But I suspect she might have a personality issue.
It could also be that I am not sensitive enough with respect to her. I don't know.

All comments are welcome.
 

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She is 20 years and I am 33. Right from the beginning, she asked my age and made it clear that she wants to marry a very good and successful man, 30-35 years (definitely not younger).

Unfortunately we periodically run into problems. I want to determine if she has some kind of personality disorder or no. If so, I have to adapt myself to best take care of her.
I want you to look at the following and tell me if these are normal or no in your opinion. She typically blames me for them.

1. Lack of trust.

2. Irrationally sensitive.
3. Controlling and manipulative.

4. Impatient and unstable.

5. Fear.

6. Dependent.

7. Hardly takes criticism.

It seems that something is not right with her.
So you want to know if this woman, with the issues you have listed, has a personality disorder.

The first question that popped into my mind was, What is wrong with you for wanting to adapt to someone like this and take care of her?

I mean, seriously, what the heck is YOUR problem?

Yeah, I just bet she wants to marry a successful guy ... not to mention a gullible one who will be her doormat and tolerate this type of immature behavior.

She's only 20, but she's been on her own for years?

Something doesn't add up here.

It sounds like you have decided that you are going to "take care" of this delicate flower to the point of changing yourself, or as you phrase it "adapting."

Why would any man want to adapt to this????
 

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Discussion Starter #3 (Edited)
Not so much changing myself, but to be aware not to escalate a difficult situation if I know is due to a disorder. Why keeping her? She is otherwise good. She cares about me, checks on me. She is not a *****. She wants to spend time and do things together.

Everyone has a problem. We need to see which ones can be fixed. Honestly, I see other girls are either interested purely in ones looks (more specifically facial features) or just ones social/economical status. This is even more disgusting and troubling.
 

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Even if she doesn't have a personality disorder, at the very least she is immature. She is in no way ready to get married in a year. Studies have shown that the brain is still developing until around the age of 25. If you want to stay with her, maybe give her a few more years to grow up. And don't get her pregnant!
 

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She sounds insecure. If you think she has a personality disorder see if you can get her to go to a psychiatrist and figure this out. It's not your place to diagnose her.

Now while she sounds insecure and controlling, your behavior might be driving some of this.

She specially looks for female presence in my day and any kind of lie. If I'm late from lunch 1-2 hours from what I promised, it's an issue. When I said I stay at X's birthday only one hour, but I stayed 4-5 hours and didn't return her calls, we had a two days fight and she almost broke up with me.
You are lying. She has every right to get upset if you lie about anything at all. And don’t use the “she’ll get upset if she knew the truth excuse.” If you are in a committed, exclusive relationship with someone you always tell the truth. If they get upset then deal with that. If you don’t want to tell her the truth, don’t lie. Tell her that it’s none of her business and you do not want to share that information. If she gets upset, deal with her being upset. If she decides to break up with you because you are not open with her then it’s her choice.

What is going on with you and the other women that has her upset? What is your relationship to the other women who are long distance? How about the women who are local?

Do you go out with them? email them often? Chat? Are they ex's?
 

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There's nothing wrong with her. She's TWENTY. She's doing normal 20 yr old's mistakes.

You, on the other hand, are highly suspect of having a personality disorder. Why on earth are you dating a BABY? What's wrong that you can't date a woman in your own decade?
 

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Discussion Starter #9
I indeed prefer someone my age; less drama. But at this point, we came across each other and it's mostly her insisting that she exclusively dates older men, because she feels like 20s are still babies and she does not want to raise babies. She says she has no attraction to them. She also says she never had past relationships, and she does not want boyfriend, she wants marriage. She is also from a high status family that can't take any youngster with no job, house, etc. Her parents didn't live with her, but they are very close.
 

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I must agree. She is only acting like a typical 20 yr old who hasnt lived enough to learn about mature relationships. So, you have to ask yourself. Am I ready to marure with this woman? Is she worth it? Can I make it through that process? Hmmmm.....
 

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I indeed prefer someone my age; less drama. But at this point, we came across each other and it's mostly her insisting that she exclusively dates older men, because she feels like 20s are still babies and she does not want to raise babies. She says she has no attraction to them. She also says she never had past relationships, and she does not want boyfriend, she wants marriage. She is also from a high status family that can't take any youngster with no job, house, etc. Her parents didn't live with her, but they are very close.
Let's see, she exclusively dates older men. But she has never had a relationship. Do you realize that those two statements are mutually exclusive? If she'd never had a relationship, then she's never dated an older man or a guy her own age.

She's too young for marriage because she's too immature. Just because she thinks she's all grown up and ready to be married, she clearly is not. You are the more mature person here so it's up to you to act like a mature man.
 

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Discussion Starter #13
She sounds insecure. If you think she has a personality disorder see if you can get her to go to a psychiatrist and figure this out. It's not your place to diagnose her.

Now while she sounds insecure and controlling, your behavior might be driving some of this.



You are lying. She has every right to get upset if you lie about anything at all. And don’t use the “she’ll get upset if she knew the truth excuse.” If you are in a committed, exclusive relationship with someone you always tell the truth. If they get upset then deal with that. If you don’t want to tell her the truth, don’t lie. Tell her that it’s none of her business and you do not want to share that information. If she gets upset, deal with her being upset. If she decides to break up with you because you are not open with her then it’s her choice.

What is going on with you and the other women that has her upset? What is your relationship to the other women who are long distance? How about the women who are local?

Do you go out with them? email them often? Chat? Are they ex's?
I discussed few days before the birthday event that I am invited and I can't refuse. If I refuse, there would be more follow up questions and tensions with my friends; I don't want that either. I promised to leave by one hour. But the party didn't go that way. The BBQ was slow and people were just warming up; I couldn't be a pain in the neck and leave while we were playing board games etc. But, admittedly, I also didn't answer her calls because I thought she is gonna say embarrassing things in front of others, or compel me to leave, which is even more embarrassing. I think everyone needs a little space and time as an individual.

One of them is my ex, who is now in a different country. We haven't talked for a long and she now has a fiance. Some other women are friends of friends or distant relatives; think I am marriage material and they just want to probe me. They don't live in my city but occasionally email me, hi, how are you doing, I need some help with this, etc. I copy her their emails so that she knows. There is of course nothing between us. They just want to approach and probe, see what I am up to. I am never responsive to these emails and certainly never flirt. Many others are just distant co-workers, etc.
 

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Sounds like she just cant accept that you are a mature adult with friends. Again, the maturity thing.......
in case I missed, why is she not going to these BBQ's with you?
This sounds like the age diffeference is the bottom line here to me.
 

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Discussion Starter #15
Let's see, she exclusively dates older men. But she has never had a relationship. Do you realize that those two statements are mutually exclusive? If she'd never had a relationship, then she's never dated an older man or a guy her own age.

She's too young for marriage because she's too immature. Just because she thinks she's all grown up and ready to be married, she clearly is not. You are the more mature person here so it's up to you to act like a mature man.
I think her young age might be a problem. She says she is grown up. And maybe for up to 5 years. But not to my age.

Yes, no past relationships, but she has dated many 30-35 years olds and none of them led to a relationship. Mostly because she found out they had other girlfriends at the time who didn't tell her (although they later said they are willing to drop their current partners and live with her, to which she always responded, they have lied to her and she no longer trusts them).
 

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Discussion Starter #16
Sounds like she just cant accept that you are a mature adult with friends. Again, the maturity thing.......
in case I missed, why is she not going to these BBQ's with you?
This sounds like the age diffeference is the bottom line here to me.
At the time of this particular party that I mentioned, she wasn't in town.
 

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Discussion Starter #18
How can I tell if this is immaturity (age) or personality problem? I really don't know if these are typical of 20 years. I am scarred.
 

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Ok, I see. Well, does she ever join you and your friends? Or is that a problem?
Yes. She says, ideally don't go. In cases you go, I have to come with you everywhere you go.

This is fine. But I think I also need some space as an individual. It's no good to be so suspicious.
 

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Honestly, I dont believe this is any personality issue, it is all her maturity issues. She is young and hasnt experienced enough to be on your level. I dont believe you have done anything wrong here.
 
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