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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Ok, here is the deal: married over 20 years, kids of various ages, wife is a SAHM all this time. We are Catholic, so I cannot and will not initiate a divorce.

Our marriage was not perfect, but sex was never an issue. Then, about 7 years ago, her sex drive goes away. Boom. I didn't judge her or get angry. Asked her what I could do to help. Did what she asked, but no change. She has no interest in doing anything about it. Long story short, its been a slow downhill since then. She has now started pulling away from me, became obseesed with her hobbies, rarely had time or energy for sex. Even when she did, her attitude was "lets get this over with". . Has dreams that do not include me, like owning some land, starting her own business. Had mood swings, outbursts, hurls the most outrageous accusations at me, has said she "fel out of love." No sign of infidelty yet. But the situation is appalling. All attempts of me to communicate with her have failed. Date nights, spa days,.. no accomodation I make seems to help.

After doing internet research, I have decided to take the 180 approach. Stop pursuing her, stop pleading, stay calm , no long conversations, and no response to anger or manipulation. Int he meantime, concentrate on myself. Be happy, et more involved socially, improve my appearance, become a better Dad, etc.
Act like I can go on without her, and that I have my s**t together. Since she wants what she cannto have, I have to become someone she cannot have.. then she will want ME.

I am interested in your opinions. Does this sound crazy, or is it a valid, worthwhile approach?
 

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Ok, here is the deal: married over 20 years, kids of various ages, wife is a SAHM all this time. We are Catholic, so I cannot and will not initiate a divorce.
What kind of excuse is this?


Our marriage was not perfect, but sex was never an issue. Then, about 7 years ago, her sex drive goes away. Boom. I didn't judge her or get angry. Asked her what I could do to help. Did what she asked, but no change. She has no interest in doing anything about it. Long story short, its been a slow downhill since then. She has now started pulling away from me, became obseesed with her hobbies, rarely had time or energy for sex. Even when she did, her attitude was "lets get this over with". . Has dreams that do not include me, like owning some land, starting her own business. Had mood swings, outbursts, hurls the most outrageous accusations at me, has said she "fel out of love." No sign of infidelty yet. But the situation is appalling. All attempts of me to communicate with her have failed. Date nights, spa days,.. no accomodation I make seems to help.

After doing internet research, I have decided to take the 180 approach. Stop pursuing her, stop pleading, stay calm , no long conversations, and no response to anger or manipulation. Int he meantime, concentrate on myself. Be happy, et more involved socially, improve my appearance, become a better Dad, etc.
Act like I can go on without her, and that I have my s**t together. Since she wants what she cannto have, I have to become someone she cannot have.. then she will want ME.

I am interested in your opinions. Does this sound crazy, or is it a valid, worthwhile approach?
Here i my opinion. I think you would have to be a complete fool to stay in a marriage with a woman that DOES NOT LOVE YOU.

So if you think religion forces you into this way of life, go nuts and good luck.

Personally, I would never EVER stay in a relationship with ANYONE that doesn't love me or can't meet the most basics relationship needs (like intimacy).

I also think you are in complete denial by thinking that 180 is going to work or you can reignite her love for you. Love is something that is either there or not, without it....there is no hope of fixing ANYTHING.
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
Dof thanks for your response.

I understand where you're coming from, but its not an "excuse", its a choice I made when I married. I promised "till death do us part to her, to God, and to all present and I meant it. I'm a man of my word.
 

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I know you said she has no interest in doing anything about it -- so has she completely rejected the idea of counseling?

This may or may not be a temporary circumstance. I do believe that marriages go through phases. I've heard it said, when couples who celebrate their 40th, 50th anniversary are asked "What's your secret?" they often say, "Stay married." And do believe there is some truth in that. Marriages don't last like they used to because people allow themselves an out. But is that a bad thing? I don't know. Maybe things will get better, maybe they won't. If you want to keep trying, for whatever reason, then do. But I really think you should set yourself a deadline, and know when it's time to move on. I completely respect what you are saying about being Catholic. I'm not Catholic myself, but I get it. Still, living out your life in misery is not the answer. And it is not what God wants for you.
 

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You have kids of various ages... How old is the youngest? Did the decline in sex have any coincidental timing with the conception of the last kid?

As far as your plan goes... Read up on the "Married Man's Sex Life Primer" and "No More Mr. Nice Guy". Consider talking to your religious leader, both individually and as a couple.

Would you say you've maintained your "sex ranking" over the years? Or have you been slipping?

C
 

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Marriage counseling ASAP. Your marriage is in trouble if she has stopped all intimacy.
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Dof thanks for your response.

I understand where you're coming from, but its not an "excuse", its a choice I made when I married. I promised "till death do us part to her, to God, and to all present and I meant it. I'm a man of my word.
part of her vows were to be sexual with you, btw. And she isn't. You can get an annullment for that.
 

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...I cannot and will not initiate a divorce.
This is your biggest problem. After all, she likely knows ^this^, which means that -- as long as she's content w/ the status quo -- she has absolutely no incentive to change.

After doing internet research, I have decided to take the 180 approach. Stop pursuing her, stop pleading, stay calm , no long conversations, and no response to anger or manipulation. Int he meantime, concentrate on myself. Be happy, et more involved socially, improve my appearance, become a better Dad, etc.

Act like I can go on without her, and that I have my s**t together. Since she wants what she cannto have, I have to become someone she cannot have.. then she will want ME.
The point of the 180 is to help you to detach from her, typically in order to prepare yourself for life w/o her. As in divorce.

And, though it often works to bring a wayward (as in unfaithful) spouse back into his or her marriage, that typically only works once the betrayed spouse (a) has knowledge of the affair AND (b) has confronted the wayward spouse w/ said knowledge, and in such a way that the wayward can't deny it (or, at the very least, winds up admitting to it). And, even then, this desire to return/recommit to the marriage is more of a side effect than anything else. It won't happen if the wayward has already decided to the leave the marriage... unless, of course, he or she winds up being rejected by the affair partner.

Anyway, I'm not saying that your wife is having an affair... but, given what you've written, she sure is displaying quite a few of the classic red flags.

But if she's not... the 180 will likely only make things far, far worse between the two of you.
 

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Dof thanks for your response.

I promised "till death do us part to her, to God, and to all present and I meant it. I'm a man of my word.
sounds like the woman you married has died and has been replaced by an unfeeling shell

she's checked out of this marriage.

what would you do if she filed first?
 

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sounds like the woman you married has died and has been replaced by an unfeeling shell

she's checked out of this marriage.

what would you do if she filed first?
Why should she file first?

The "sexually dead" person has the advantage in relationships like this. They're getting their needs met. So why would they chose to end the relationship? Especially since she's a stay at home mom...

C
 

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You are taking about the only viable approach you can take. I've read so many thread that start out like yours over the years and usually we find out indeed, there is someone else. Do not dismiss it. But yes, do the 180.
 

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Discussion Starter · #13 ·
Why should she file first?

The "sexually dead" person has the advantage in relationships like this. They're getting their needs met. So why would they chose to end the relationship? Especially since she's a stay at home mom...

C
If I had to characterize her attitude in one phrase, it would be that she just wants to be left alone to do her own thing, on her own terms. She still does a good job with the kids.
 

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Discussion Starter · #14 ·
You have kids of various ages... How old is the youngest? Did the decline in sex have any coincidental timing with the conception of the last kid?

As far as your plan goes... Read up on the "Married Man's Sex Life Primer" and "No More Mr. Nice Guy". Consider talking to your religious leader, both individually and as a couple.

Would you say you've maintained your "sex ranking" over the years? Or have you been slipping?

C
PBear, thanks! Kids are from 20 to 2
 

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Discussion Starter · #15 ·
You have kids of various ages... How old is the youngest? Did the decline in sex have any coincidental timing with the conception of the last kid?

As far as your plan goes... Read up on the "Married Man's Sex Life Primer" and "No More Mr. Nice Guy". Consider talking to your religious leader, both individually and as a couple.

Would you say you've maintained your "sex ranking" over the years? Or have you been slipping?

C
I don't know about ranking, but I was a size 36 waist when we married, and I still am. I bathe, groom, where clean pressed, neat clothes, etc. I'm not a slob and I have not let myself go.
 

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After doing internet research, I have decided to take the 180 approach. Stop pursuing her, stop pleading, stay calm , no long conversations, and no response to anger or manipulation. Int he meantime, concentrate on myself. Be happy, et more involved socially, improve my appearance, become a better Dad, etc.
Act like I can go on without her, and that I have my s**t together. Since she wants what she cannto have, I have to become someone she cannot have.. then she will want ME.
You are using the 180 wrong. It is not at all about changing her feelings. It is about you and gaining that distance so you can make choices.

I'd do a modified 180. Work hard on you, figure out what you want... but invite her along for the ride and let her know she's welcome. That working on you bit though will help you be confident enough in yourself that you don't need her to be on this ride with you should she decide to go off on her own. Just make it clear you want her there, not because of what she does for you, but because of who she is. You want her even if she can't figure out why you would because she's (insert her list of insecurities she has about herself)...
 

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I don't know about ranking, but I was a size 36 waist when we married, and I still am. I bathe, groom, where clean pressed, neat clothes, etc. I'm not a slob and I have not let myself go.
That all sounds good. Check out the books I mention, and see if there's some truths hidden in there for you to use.

C
 

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I would read the books Pbear suggested. There is REALLY good stuff in there.
I feel your pain. I've been married 23 years and the downhill sex slide started when we had our third child. I became number 4 on the list and sex was an un-useful waste of time, I mean we had our 3kids, why have sex?
I realized that she was simply not attracted to me and went about changing myself, physically and mentally.
It would take too long to detail everything. However, the MMSL stuff is great and will help you step by step.
I will tell you that it is possible and change for the better can happen. In all honesty, I am having the best sex of my life at 52 years of age with the woman I've been married to for 23 years. To me, that's INCREDIBLE !!
I would even call it a miracle.
Hope to see you around here often !!
 

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Most women fall out of love with their husbands. And amazingly, a majority of husbands go "all-in" on a marriage that is destined to fail. By massive odds. Yet it shocks them EVERY TIME. If we can't do anything about this pandemic, we should at least be honest with couples before they get married.

Live like this or leave. No other choice.
 
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