I apologize for this being long, but I need to explain the whole situation. I hope someone can help me figure this out.
I'm having a hard time figuring out what is going on in my own marriage. My husband and I have been in a rut for quite some time now. But recently after a huge fight he decided he wanted a divorce. I refused to move out though and he went into no speaking mode. I wrote a long letter to him, hoping to change his mind. He then went into "I'm going to take some time to think and I'm still deciding" mode. From there we didn't talk still for a few days but then I needed to know where his mind was. He got really mad at me, and I told him that I felt I needed to start preparing for a divorce just in case but this is not what I wanted. Then he started to come around a little, bringing me breakfast on his way home from work (he works midnights), talking to me, telling me about his day. So I thought things were moving in the right direction. Once again (which I know I shouldn't have) I asked if this meant he decided against divorce. He then again got really mad and it turned into another argument. So then I decided to back off, give him his space like he wanted, then he got mad and said I was ignoring him. I tried talking to him a little and explain why. Later that turned into another argument. I finally just stopped him and told him if a divorce is what he wanted and it would make him happy, then I will sign his papers when he gets them.
It saddens me that him and I have allowed things to get this point. This is a man that has been in my life since I was 14 years old, has always been my rock and friend. And when I think of divorce, I realize it's closing the door on a huge chunk of my life. I can no longer just call up my friend if I'm having a bad day. Yes, I did spell it out for him like this. And this is what brought the argument to an end. He basically said he felt the same way when he thinks of a divorce. He said he cannot imagine his life without me. I went to bed that night sad, when he finally decided to go to bed, he came into my room. We have been in separate bedrooms for a few months now, so this was a first. He started to act a lot nicer, joking around with me more, talking, spending time together, and continued to sleep in my room.
But this last day or so I have started to pick up on his attitude again. When he was in "I'm still deciding" mode, I could tell he was trying to gain complete control and power. So I have been feeling this is what is happening again. Recently our friends and his family have all turned their back on me, won't take my calls or answer my texts. When I tried to talk to him about this he would get really mad, and tell me he didn't care. I don't know how I'm supposed to move forward and be ok with being around these people again if they feel this way about me (without eveing knowing what is going on), and he told me that I was being immature and selfish. He is also very mad (which he's known for awhile) that I withdrew half of the joint account. He said that he did not want me making preparations for a divorce. He has arranged for some projects on the house to be done (ex: painting, front porch built on), and because we have agreed he will have the house if we divorce because he owned it prior to marriage, I simply felt that his renovations should not come out of my half. I also told him if he decided he didn't want a divorce it is not an issue for me to put the money back, but he has not asked for me to do that. Matter of fact he told me he was going to take out a loan now to pay for these projects. To me that said, he's still thinking of divorce? Am I crazy to think that?? Because he says I'm thinking wrong? But if I ask him if he is still deciding then he gets mad and flips out, starts calling me names and tells me to get away from him. What the heck??? He absolutely refuses to talk about what is or is not going to happen or anything that has to do with us. He's constantly saying that he doesn't think I can change, but yet I have tried to explain to him that if he doesn't want to change his attitude towards me in order for us to be happy, then me changing has no effect. And how can he expect me to change, when I still have this man being so distant from me, or yelling at me, putting me down??? He says he doesn't want to tell me he doesn't want a divorce, because he says he doesn't think it's possible for me to change. I am so completely confused by his actions, nice one minute, a jerk the next minute. As long as I don't mention us, he's fine. But how am I suppose to act like everything is ok if meanwhile he's still considering a divorce and then I get blindsided in the end??
What he means by me changing by the way, is because I have some issues, I know this. I have four different diagnosis' of ptsd, and my anger comes out easily. However he also has a diagnosis of ptsd and anger is shown easily. This is why we constantly butt heads, but he is constantly telling me I'm in the wrong. If something makes me mad, I can't help that. I can only try to control my reaction to it, but he will try and tell me I'm wrong for being mad. I can't change my emotions!?!
This is more like a novel now. I'm sorry for how long this is. I have no outlet right now to vent. Like I said, everyone that was in our life has shut me out, but he says I'm pinning them against him. How am I doing that if they won't even talk to me???
Am I just suppose to give up and walk away??? How long do I wait for him to tell me he doesn't want a divorce?? Do I not talk to him and pretend everything is fine?? But if I'm suppose to walk away...how do you even begin emotionally???