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me and my wife have been seperated for 2 weeks and we are working on our marriage by going to counseling and church together. The other day she said she wanted to come back home Jan 1 2013 but its not guaranteed because she wants to go thru counseling and attend church for the rest of the month. I have confidence that shes coming home because she wouldnt be willing to go to counsling and church with me.My question is when i talk about our future plans when she comes homes she gets very defensless..So do you guys think theres hope in our marriage or is her mind already made up?? We talk 3 times a day but its mostly me calling and we date once a week
 

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Arguing is what causes resentment. Every time you argue you disrespect and devalue your partner. In turn they lose respect and feeling for you. That has to stop. Then you have to gain that respect and love back.

What are the arguments about?
 

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Don't want to go into details but it's about small things
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I think what Anchor is digging for is...

If you want us to answer is there any hope, we'd have to know where you guys are coming from. Like if your arguments are because you say her ass looks fat. Then we can say... "U guys have a chance." If you arguments are... " I'm tired of you constantly talking to you ex..." well that changes things.
 

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Don't want to go into details but it's about small things
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Without going into details if you feel embarrassed, what is the nature of these small things? Are you and her doing things that upsets the other - and there is no compromise on stopping the offending behaviors? Are the small issues in your or your wife's control that can be changed? Are they the same small things that constantly pop up in arguments or is it always something new?

With more detail, you can get better suggestions.
 

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I think what Anchor is digging for is...

If you want us to answer is there any hope, we'd have to know where you guys are coming from. Like if your arguments are because you say her ass looks fat. Then we can say... "U guys have a chance." If you arguments are... " I'm tired of you constantly talking to you ex..." well that changes things.
It's also good to see if it's always the same little things or if it's always something different (but "small). If it's always the same things, then trying to work on a compromise or minimizing the offending behaviors may be all that's needed. If it's always something new that ends up being the problem, then most likely there is a deeper and bigger cause to the arguments. Not to stir up fears in the OP, but when a spouse is trying digging up little complaints about you it may be he/she is trying to build up justification to divorce, separate or cheat on their partner.
 

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Jay, if you don't feel comfortable going into details on an anonymous site, I suspect they are not minor. Though, what ever it is takes to make you fell comfortable.

From what you describe it seems to be her choice, not your's. I would say that she won't discus the future because she is not certain things will change. If it's the way you handle disagreement, it's not rocket science that you have to change that. Then you need to make her fell safe and loved for her to return to the marriage.

Can that be done? It depends. It's a good sign that she wants to go to counselling and she discusses ending the separation. It's also easier working on the marriage under the same roof. Those are big pluses, but are you willing to change the dynamics in this relationship to respect one another? Can you learn how to fulfill each other needs and not disrespect the other by arguing.

Let me recommend two books that will give you insight on how damaging the arguing and resentment can be and how to stop it and get past it.

"His Needs, Her Needs" this is how a marriage should work and how to bring one back.

"Love Busters" this is how you can live in a marriage with respect for each other and without hurting each other.

Both are by W Harley

Good luck.
 
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