[Markedman]

I think I already know the answer, but let me *try* to briefly explain everything about the destruction of my marriage here and then in subsequent posts explain where I am now and get some advice from the forum.

My wife and I are in our 30's. We have no children. We have been married for more than 2 years and together for more than 4. We do not have significant financial or health problems.

Wife left me in early September after months of frigidity. We had plenty of arguments but the real problem was the escalation of small arguments into indictments on our relationship. I was responsible for much more of the escalation, although my wife was responsible for starting an equal amount of the fights. The fights would generally relate to control. Both of us wanted more control over the direction of our marital life (where we were going, who we were going with, what we would be doing, house decisions, etc.). I know now that I had lost control of my professional and family life which contributed to my unhappiness. My wife hates my parents, which was initially mostly their fault and now is equally hers. She blames me for taking their side more and they blame me for taking her side more. The truth is I have taken her side on virtually every issue, although I succumbed to some parental pressure.

We are both extraordinarily stubborn and well-educated leading to battles ranging from the mundane to the important. During at least one of these arguments I expressed that I wish that we had never been married and I accused her of forcing me to marry her (she did apply a lot of pressure but that is fairly normal for single women in my experience).

My wife stopped having sex with me almost altogether and was always frowning, unhappy and drew no satisfaction from being with me. She told me she didn't know how she felt about me anymore. She began to stay out later and would not return until about midnight on some occasions. We would not spend weekends together. I realized that we were on the verge of collapse and for about a month did everything I could to show I was making a 180 but was less than successful. One day I was so upset that I suggested that if she couldn't turn things around that we should separate. I did not really want this. A week or so later she told me she was leaving, packed her things and left.

 

[NoWhere]

I'd suggest be careful what you say when in arguments. Some of those things like "I wish we were never married" will never leave her mind. Making it a uphill battle.

I'd suggest just trying to better yourself and do your best to win her back. Go over in your head the traits that you think she dislikes and eliminate them. I'd also suggest you read some self help material on communication with your spouse. Sounds like there is a problem there.

Wish I could offer more. This kind of relationship stuff is so very painful a experience.

 

[Markedman]

just before our separation, my wife asked me to find us a therapist. It took me two weeks to get one, likely because I wasn't fully committed to counseling as I've never been. I got the counselor for us and we were going once a week. After she left we continued to see the counselor and I was also scheduling dates. Things appeared to be getting better I set deadlines for her return and she did not meet them.

During one counseling session in mid-October she and the therapist decided together that I needed individual counseling. My wife and I did not particularly like our therapist (we both thought she was just OK and didn't really know how to do couple's counseling). She insinuated that she would consider coming home if I went to counseling myself. I believe the therapist was convinced that we were making progress and that this would be a major step towards her coming home.

I began to go to my own counselor and we discontinued the joint sessions on my wife and the therapist's suggestion. In hindsight I believe that my wife manipulated the situation either consciously or subconsciously to extricate herself from joint therapy. She is indeed much smarter than our therapist.

Since that time our dates have become less frequent and my wife has grown less affectionate and responsive. She does not return calls, texts or emails promptly. She does not schedule dates. She will only go out with me on certain weekdays at times that are convenient for her and will look to fill her social calender first before deciding when she will spend time with me.

She appears to only be going out with me out of a sense of guilt, though she claims that she is undecided about our relationship. She claims that there is no OM and she has no history of cheating. She is very responsible and does not generally make rash decisions.

I want to give this thing one last try. I do love her and would want to be with her if she could be happy with me. I know I need to make changes and have experienced significant realizations and personal growth since her departure.

In the subsequent post, I will seek your advice as my new therapist has offered none and simply listens when I explain these things.

 

[Markedman]

Questions:

1. Based on the foregoing should I hold out any hope?

2. Should I ask her to go to another counselor?

3. I have tried to set deadlines and ultimatums, none of which have been met. Are deadlines a good idea?

4. She is in control of our finances and there have been no irregularities. But we own a house together which i want to keep. Should I deal with the finances now in a fair way before things get acrimonious? How do we do this? Do I need to hire someone?

5. Should I ask her if it is OK to start dating? This could help me get over the loneliness and possibly remind her that I am a desirable mate. Some women have already expressed some interest in me.

I'm sure I have other questions, but will hold off for now.

THANK YOU!!!!