[affection_vs_love]

I apologize in advance for this lengthy thread, but i needed a place to vent my thoughts. Im thankful to have found this website.


Here is my situation:

I grew up in a home where affection didnt come around very often or on a daily basis. A hug here and there was pretty normal in my household. With that said, im not an affectionate person what so ever. I have dated my husband for over 4 years and we have been married now for a little over 2 years. He has known this about me from the very start that im not affectionate. Now that we are married he "thought" that our new title would change the way i am towards being affectionate. That hasnt been the case what so ever. I still dont care to be affectionate, it makes me feel uncumffy.

I sometimes try to make a mental note to touch him from time to time (a hug or kiss) to make him happy but overall it makes me unhappy/uncumffy. The attempts i make never seem to be enough. He always wants "more", as he often tells me "i expect to be smotherd by you". He will take it upon himself to show me affection in order to get some type of physical touch. In my opinion its way too much. A few examples: If im watching tv/movies, he will sit next to me and rest his hand on my leg, hand, or back and caress. If im sitting at my computer browsing, he will walk by to hug and kiss my forehead (every 10-15 mins). By this point im annoyed by all the affection. I cant go anywhere in our home without him "touching" me in some way. I do love my husband but i think that he goes overboard with the affection and i would like for him to tone it down. As he would like for me to tone it up in that area. He often gets offended when i move away or tell him not to touch me. I dont mean to be rude, but he always takes it personally. Its not that i dont want to be affectionate/touched. Just not all the time because its not what im used to, as he knows this.

Is there a such thing as too much affection? Should there be limitations? Should my spouse smother with me affection? Should there be a compromise as to how much affection should be given so that both parties will be happy?

Thanks.

 

[dallasapple]

There is such a thing IMHO as too much affection for ANOTHER person.Of course you can get into extremes on one end or the other and most would say "unreasonable or excessive" of the "average person and on the other end most would consider "frigid" for the average person..Its more like 'ranges of norm" and as individuals we all have our "norm" and if those are WAY different then yes its "too much" or "not enough"..

In other words your husbands "norm" is excessive or "too much " FOR YOU ..Whats not fair is you both new that difference and married anyway expecting the other one to magically "morph" into a different person.Unless one or the other of you agreed to accept "less" or do 'more " whichever .Or both.

My husband is exactly like yours is..I think I'm "average" he is on the "excessive' or "high " side of that need.I felt suffocated...smothered ..and quite frankly harrassed..NOT GOOD for either of us.Again my husband like yours ASSUMED once we married I WOULD CHANGE into his picture perfect "ideal dream girl" he had in his MIND....That being married would make me "want" as much affection /touch /and sex" as he did.(after over 3 years of coursthip mind you )I on the other hand thought he understood and accepted me the way I was because he played like he did.

Hate to say it ...turns into cat and mouse..when one has enormous need for touch ..and the other is even "average" ..Hate to be negative but if you cant work it out (meet in the middle somehow if thats possible) you will feel like you are being devoured like the "prey" at the same time he feels like hes starving to death...

 

[MrDarkDream]

Talk about role reversal. Whether the affection that he shows is too much or not depends on your point of view, it seems like you have already answered your question. Are you this uncomfortable with non-physical show of affections (i.e. texting, letters, etc.? If you're only uncomfortable with the physical part this might be a way to reach a compromise where you can still show him that you love him and reassure him without being made to feel uncomfortable.

 

[PBear]

Look at "His Needs, Her Needs" or "5 Love Languages". Neither of you are right or wrong. You're just not on the same page in expressing your love for each other. You need to start communicating better.

Personally, I'd have a hard time being with someone who didn't like physical affection or being touched. But then again, I wouldn't have married someone like that either.

C

 

[YinPrincess]

I used to be like this - my ex was suuuuper affectionate and I resented being "pawed" all the time.

Now I'm with someone like you and feeling "touch deprived".

Best case is to not view it as an act of annoyannce. See it as a loving act and make a daily note to reciprocate as often as you are comfortable with.

Changing my perspective from being "pawed" to seeing it for what it is - a physical act of love - helped me tremendously when I was in your shoes.
Posted via Mobile Device

 

[Plan 9 from OS]

I wonder if engaging your husband more in physical touch would actually result in him initiating physical touch with you less frequently. Maybe he's going overboard because he sees his wife recoiling away more frequently. For all we know, he may be posting on TAM under another name and wondering if his wife is having an affair because she is spurning his needs for intimacy.

You two need to have a serious discussion on this and come up with a compromise. Clear communication should solve most problems, and I do not see this as insurmountable.

OP, you inspired me to start a new thread about a question I recently pondered.

 

[Daniel Hayes]

I don't know where to go on this. I crave to have a woman lavish affection on me. I crave to return it to the woman I love. My love language is a tie between Words of Affirmation, and Physical Touch. I strive to be her best friend, and make her feel safe in my arms. When a woman strives to give me my love languages to the best of her ability I feel safe in her arms.

Yes I'm a man, but I'm not ashamed to admit I

 

[MattMatt]

@Daniel Hayes Welcome to TAM.

Unfortunately you have added your post to a thread that is moribund, it's now four years old.

What I'd suggest you do is to start your own thread in this section of TAM.

Everyone is here to help you.

 

[MattMatt]

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