[FredGarvin]

My wife has a chronic health condition that prevents her from doing much of anything physical. I have to help her, take care of the house, cook, manage children and work full time. I harbor some resentment for this, much of her health problems are difficult but I don't feel like she has taken all the steps she can to take care of herself.

As some ladies (and fellas) can attest to, its hard to be attracted to someone whom you resent and have to take care of all the time.

I love her, she's a good person and I don't want to get a divorce and break up my family. I want a sex life. I have read MMSL and tried the MAP etc.. but at this point I am left with the option of sticking with porn (god bless porn), or seeking sex outside the marriage. I don't want to have an affair or a long term situation, just a sex life. And at this point she is unable, unwilling and sadly, just not attractive to me.

So what would you do in this situation? I am disinclined to break up my family because of my little head, but I don't want to be miserable either. Life is stressful and I miss sex. Do I ask for sex outside our nuptials and break her heart? Do I keep it on the 'Down low' and hope I am not exposed later on? Is there a circumstance where this is acceptable???

FG

 

[Gaia]

No. You must realize she isnt getting sex either. No doubt she is suffering from low self esteem and not feeling attractive. Have you bothered to try to make her feel sexy? You know she probably resents you as well. Your just going without sex. She is going without sex as well as suffering from an illness that prevents her from doing what she wants to do.

Cheating is not right on any level and certainly not on the "down low" Dont play that poor woman for a fool. If you honestly cant see beyond yourself.... Just divorce her. Cheating will only destroy her. Dont go that route.
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[waiwera]

The only way it can be acceptable would be if both parties agreed to it.

 

[Cee Paul]

Dude my wife is totally HEALTHY and I haven't been laid since back in February of this year(10 months ago), but cheating is not and never will be an option for me even though I totally miss having sex and want it badly. Now if this keeps up along with all the other crap going on in our marriage, then I will be asking her for a seperation and then a possible divorce in the coming months.

 

[indiecat]

Some people do comprimise their morals to keep a family together. It has been done, and will continue to be done since the dawn of ages.

Only you can decide if the sex outside marriage is worth the stress, deception and living a double life that it would entail.

Does she give you occassional sex? Unless her girl bits are sewn shut I can't see why she would not realize that a man is a man and has needs. What is your communication level like? Can you just be dead honest and say 'I love you dear but I have to have some sex once a week, or every second week to stay in our marriage'.
Have you told her this loud and clear? If so what does she say?

 

[Henri]

So what would you do in this situation?

If I were in your position I think I would approach my wife, choosing my words very carefully, and voice my concerns and hear her's in return. She may put forward solutions you have not considered or negated already.

I would be careful about how and what I say given that she isn't able to change her physical condition. Also attraction is a state of mind (it has changed since you married), so it is likely to change again. So I think the problem and the solution lies in the mind (not in the body you choose to make love to).

I second others point on having an affiar. An affair is a new problem, not a solution to an old one because they involve people. An affiar seems to be a solution to the act of sex. A prosititue is the only way to have string-free sexual release with privacy, that I can think of (and again there are issues there too so I am not promoting it as a solution to your real problem).

 

[jaquen]

The only way it can be acceptable would be if both parties agreed to it.

This.

 

[JCD]

Yes. If she was laid up and COULDN'T perform ANY sexual function, than I could see it...after a year or so of frustration and with a tacit and perhaps unspoken understanding.

But that isn't the problem you face. It's one of getting her to take care of herself more and to rid yourself of the resentment.

I recall on a Doogie Howser episode that they had the interns wear glasses which hurt their vision, put splints on their fingers and put braces on their legs so they could see how irritating and demeaning it was to be sick.

She might not be taking 100% care of herself...but that doesn't mean her life is a walk in the park.

Consult a doctor and maybe a therapist.

 

[DTO]

...but I don't feel like she has taken all the steps she can to take care of herself.

I'll be the first to note that cheating generally a bad idea and not something I would do myself.

That being said, the quoted part above is huge. While the OPs wife cannot help being sick, she certainly can control whether she does everything possible to manage her disease. In fact, I would say she has a responsibility to do everything in her power to be a reasonably capable wife.

However, the fact remains that people can be reluctant to seek help or follow doctor's orders for health issues. I know a person who could manage her disease better by adhering to doctor's recommendations, but has refused to consistently follow medical advice.

I have the following questions for the OP:

1) Why do you feel your wife is not doing all she can to manage her disease? Does she refuse to take medication or follow doctor's orders?

2) With a serious condition I imagine she sees a doctor regularly (say, quarterly) - have you ever offered to go with her so you can learn about her condition and how to better manage it?

3) Is her health so bad she can endure little or no physical activity? Or, is it more a case of her having some physical abilities (or has some "good days") and chooses to use what ability she has doing things for herself? If it's the latter, that is unacceptable. Particularly if her ability is limited, you should be at the top of the list of needs to address when she can.

Let us know if you don't mind. Know that my ex liked to play up her health issues so I some idea of what you might be going through.

 

[jameskimp]

You are not getting any sex, resentful of taking care of your wife who is permanently disabled and who uses that to her full advantage, not attracted to your wife, and unhappy overall in your marriage.

Why are you staying exactly?

Talk it over with your wife. Express all these feelings that you have expressed to us and let us know what she suggests because you shouldn't have to continue like this just for the sake of your kids who will undoubtedly suffer in an unhappy marriage.

 

[Gaia]

Wow ok so just because the woman has a pvssy means she should just give it up anytime the man wants it? Uh no. She is a woman and she has needs as well and considering he has already cheated he is no doubt trying to paint his disabled wife out to be worse then she probably is. After all if he makes her look like the bad guy then he can justify cheating.

For all we know it could be ver painful for her to have sex. Unless his vows did nor include for better or for worse, in sickness and in health then he is just trying to find loopholes in those vows to fullfill his own selfish needs.

No duh people have went outside thier marriages and will continue to do si because they are self centered creatures. It doesnt make it right.

So many on here seem to believe or act like a marriage should only be... For better or better. Then again I guess thats the type of vows taken hmm?

By the way I have three kids with the man I am with and I would rather leave if things cant be worked out then cheat.
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[jamjon]

.......then he is just trying to find loopholes in those vows to fullfill his own selfish needs.....

Since when is sex for anyone male or female just a 'selfish need'? We're wired for it and it can't be surprising that even the best of us wouldn't entertain these thoughts.

I'm with you that it's a two-person problem, and likely just as much of a problem for her. I would suggest counseling (preferably for both) or mediation where both could have an honest discussion about their entire relationship as it is- resentments, expectations, desires, limitations, etc. Hopefully leading to constructive solutions.

 

[Gaia]

I never said sex is a selfish need. Niether is a woman wanting affection from her man selfish. What is selfish is to go out and acting on ones urges without regard to the person you pledged your life to. By the way I do apologize for saying the OP cheated. Clearly I got this thread mixed up with another.

This reminds me of a woman I knew in person. I used to be neighboors with her. She would go on and on and on about how her husband didnt care about her, she was lonely, he was an ass who never thought of her and if he couldnt be bothered to satisfy her then she was perfectly justified in hopping on another mans ****.

I asked her where he was and she casually replied that he is deployed. I then asked her how the hell she expected him to satisfy anything while he was deployed. According to her he should rush back home whenever she wanted him and if he didnt then he was just a selfish ass.

I asked her if she considered what he was going through and how he feels... She then decided to tell me he was a man and the only purpose a man has is to cater to a womans every whim. Of course she didnt like what I told her after that bit in short I told her she was an ignorant bytch that had her head stuck too far up her rear.
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[FredGarvin]

Thanks for all the replies.

Here is where my head is, much of the premise could be me fishing for a rationalization to have sex outside of marriage. I recognize that. Marriage counseling (and/or Therapy) is in the works an I am the first to admit that I haven't communicated clearly or set appropriate boundaries.

But I am plagued by thoughts, not of the worst case scenario (a fear for sure, but not an inevitability), but of the mostly badish scenario.

MC is attended and communication improves. Reasonable boundaries are set which include, most importantly, that she make every reasonable effort to take care of herself and improve her health. Also, that as her health improves she makes an effort to manage her life, participate more fully in the family and by way of this topic, have sex x times per week. All suggestions made with the understanding that on a week to week basis one's suffering level would merit flexibility and understanding in the boundary department.

And on my end I communicate better, make an effort to help her heal, feel special, loved and supported. I work to overcome my growing resentment (this would be the hardest for me right now). Regarding the sex, I do what I can to make her be more interested in having sex with me. (cue the Barry White).

And things get somewhat better. As some time passes she falls back into old habits (which I have reinforced, regretably) and I am not able to get passed the resentment. At this point the only chip I have left to play is divorce. If I see (many, not all) her problems as things she can improve herself and she chooses not to take the steps necessary to address her health problems and make those improvements what else can I do other than leave?

And If I don't want to leave -- stay and be miserable to keep the family together? Look for sex outside the marriage? Drinking??

So that's where I am.

FredGarvin



+

 

[the guy]

You know what hurt the most when my old lady was phucking around on me ....was the betrayal!


I don't think my wife grew up wanting to sleep around, just like I didn't didn't grow thinking I wanted to be a wife beater. But sh1t happens and decieving your self and then decieving your oldlady is just messed up.

There is no easy road, just honor and indegrity.

Your move!

 

[waiwera]

I don't blame you one little bit for feeling resentment.
You feel like your doing your very best and get little or no appreciation, love or affection.

I also get that you also want passion and connection...you want to be wanted and desired. Fair enough.

That's a long way from where you are now. Do you think it's likely? Or possible for you to get from where you are now to what ever level of sex and affection you need/desire?

You DO have some big decisions to make...but please please don't go outside of your marriage for sex...with anyone (going to a prostitute is no better than a affair or ONS).

If you wonder why go spend 5 minutes on the coping with infidelity boards...
I dare you not to (want to) cry at the words in the betrayed spouses posts...they are just heart breaking.

Don't inflict that on your wife... a divorce is painful for all involved...don't add the betrayal of infidelity into the mix.

If you use the divorce card you do of course have to be willing to go through with it... she may have a realization of what she is going to lose and come to the party. Or she may not. Either way you do deserve to have a happy healthy sex life.

Be the good man that you clearly are... do the right thing, in the right way.

 

[wiigirl]

The only way it can be acceptable would be if both parties agreed to it.

even then......:scratchhead:

 

[waiwera]

even then......:scratchhead:

Yes... must admit I see this move as a final death roll for a marriage.

 

[Lon]

To me, sex is a whole lot more than just a warm hole to rub inside, if it was just about the physical outlet, masturbation will do. But people can lead celibate lives and survive. It seems what you are craving is not just sex, but the intimate sexual connection with a woman, for someone to have made vows to forsake all others how could one have that with someone else? I don't think even disability is cause to cheat or have sexual relations because that is just too horrible for the disabled.

In my own opinion of course, if it comes down to it, I think you'd be better off to meet your needs within your marriage, either by finding a way with your W, or by taking care of the physical side yourself, and if you can't have those needs met within the marriage then divorce. I know it sounds cruel and judgemental, but try as I may to empathize with the disabled, if I had the mental capacity enough to cherish my marriage but not to find a sexual outlet for my spouse I'd be absolutely devastated to be cast aside like that.

 

[Ina]

I respect what you are going through, and understand it is a difficult situation. I also understand that sex and love can be two different things. But as i read your posts I'm wondering how much affection, compassion, and love you have for your W. It seems that you are having difficulty looking at things from her perspective. The resentment is clear, you see her as an obligation. I wonder though if she doesn't sense this, and how your actions are contributing to what your perceive is her not keeping her end of the bargain. But to me, it doesn't appear like you are keeping your end either. If i was going through what she is going through, i'm not sure what it would take to make me feel sexy again. But knowing my husband doesn't see me that way anymore, would only make it more difficult. I'm not trying to judge you, but my suggestion would be for you to try and imagine what would it be like if the roles were reversed. If you all of a sudden thought of yourself as useless, if your body no longer worked the way it should, if you wondered what your purpose was, and what you had to look forward to, and then had to deal with the harsh reality that your W no longer wanted you. What would you need from her then? I'm not sure you can be the H she deserves, because let's face it whether you choose infidelity or divorce, it's still you looking out for you. Don't sugar coat it, it is what it is. They are both sad options, they will both hurt your wife and family. No getting around it. One just makes you a liar above other things. And only you know what you can live with. But at the end of the day, you may not have it in you to look at her the way she needs to be looked at, and support her through this process. And she is no better off with you than without if that is the case. But if there is still something there, then maybe if you try to be what she needs you may help her find her way back to being what you need. A simple touch can go a long way. Good luck.