Talk About Marriage banner
Status
Not open for further replies.
1 - 16 of 16 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
17 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
My husband and I reconciled 2 months ago. We are both trying hard and although we are having ups and downs we are getting there. I hurt him badly when I left him (I had PTSD) and he hurt me badly after our breakup. While we love each other dearly, the love is not the same. We are both insecure and last night he told me he is worried I'll hurt him again. I'm also worried he'll do a runner on me and the kids again, so we both have valid concerns. My question is to those who have reconciled, will the love ever be the same again? is this just normal feelings while we build our trust up again? thanks in advance.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
50 Posts
I think your concerns are completely normal. For quite awhile after we got back together (separated 10 weeks), I was worried that he would just up and leave again. It also took me a long time to trust him around another woman again; to trust that he was telling me the truth all the time. Even if you feel the love, it takes awhile to build up trust again.

Btw, my H. and I have been back together for 2 years. Our love is stronger than it ever was before we separated; almost like back when we fell in love, but better because we've been together for 23 years. I hope the same for you.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,592 Posts
My question is to those who have reconciled, will the love ever be the same again? is this just normal feelings while we build our trust up again? thanks in advance.

The same?
Assuming the hurt involved another person in an affair, the answer is no.

Love can improve dramatically but differently

First both of you will have to prove for years with actions that you are both trustworthy. In addition, you both will have to look at yourselves, find what needs improving and then DO IT!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
89 Posts
Me and my wife reconciled.

6 months married, she left, we got back together. THE RELATIONSHIP WAS 100 TIMES BETTER! 2 years later (yesterday), she doesn't want to be married and shes left.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,195 Posts
My wife and I were married 14 years before she left. 5 months into the seperation we decided to reconcile. It is now over six months and she is not home yet but we are working on it.

we are both on egg shells but we both learned a lot being on our own. I have no idea if it will ever be the same .. only time will tell.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
520 Posts
My boyfriend and I reconciled nearly two months ago. The love is clearly not the same but there is nothing wrong with that.i actually think it's better as its based on honesty this time. I have yet it see whether we will have a future together. Just got to take it one day at a time.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
1,966 Posts
The love can be better. It can be more honest. It can be more passionate.
H and I have been together nearly 20 years. We are successfully reconciling after his A and our separation. We married young and what with children coming early and financial worries we never perfected the art of proper communication and this was our downfall. We are now more open and honest than we have ever been. We talk about feelings and hurt and expectations.
Our love is deeper now than its ever been!
Posted via Mobile Device
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
8,213 Posts
This question usually comes with slanted bias from anyone's past experience. I'm going through my first D and I recently pulled the chance at R off the table. Our D is about ten days away.

But from past experiences, there were two long term g/fs. Each had a break up somewhere within the time. Neither time did it return to what it was prior. You think it does right after you work things out but the old questions still dance in your head. One holds up a finger, other matches. One hold hand...other does....etc. The one I dated for a bit over five years, off and on the last two....I still loved her but she was not 'the one' anymore. She was a great g/f but the shine never returned.

On a good note, eight months after I broke things off for good, I met my (almost now ex) wife.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
723 Posts
It takes time. H & I reconciled 11 years ago after he had an affair & left for 12 months.
When we decided to get back together, it was another 4 months before we moved back in together (more logistics than anything, I had moved away from where he was).
It took another 18 months before I settled back in. It seems it took H longer, he felt for many years that he was not worthy of the chance of having his family back & was just waiting for me to leave.
This resulted in another issue last year when I found out he was texting other women, his back ups, so to speak. We have worked through this issue & he has been receiving councelling from a pastor.
I would say finally, at 25 years married tomorrow, we have a decent marriage.

Both of you need to be honest without inflicting unneccessary pain on the other. You need to be aware it does take time to settle back in & have the trust restored.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
91 Posts
I think your concerns are completely normal. For quite awhile after we got back together (separated 10 weeks), I was worried that he would just up and leave again. It also took me a long time to trust him around another woman again; to trust that he was telling me the truth all the time. Even if you feel the love, it takes awhile to build up trust again.

Btw, my H. and I have been back together for 2 years. Our love is stronger than it ever was before we separated; almost like back when we fell in love, but better because we've been together for 23 years. I hope the same for you.
Your post gives me hope. Thank you.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
167 Posts
It took another 18 months before I settled back in. It seems it took H longer, he felt for many years that he was not worthy of the chance of having his family back & was just waiting for me to leave.

I would say finally, at 25 years married tomorrow, we have a decent marriage.

Both of you need to be honest without inflicting unneccessary pain on the other. You need to be aware it does take time to settle back in & have the trust restored.
Hi

How would you so sure if his urges for OWs are completely out of his system indefinitely? (This is ultimately my own question to myself as I do have my self-doubts - he has a rather long-standing track record of serial adultery; he works very closely with young females, professionally)

We certainly started to talk more openly these days since.

It's good to hear you stayed and you can say you have a "decent marriage". Sounds like you had gone to Hell and back..like many of us had done.

Thanks for posting.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
76 Posts
I'm approaching 7 months from DDay. Long back story so I won't get into detail.
Where we are today; I work as a trucker so I'm never home. She thinks I'm going to have a revenge affair or leave her completely. She wants the old, funny, charming, caring me back..."like you were before I was with him".
I found 7 sexually explicit texts from her to him on 7 different occasions and drew a line, she seemed to improve. I found out later she was sleeping with him, up to 4 seperate times (with-in a month of the ultimatum). Long back story, so I'll spare the drama, but what she is getting from me is what she gave me. I'm distant, vague, cold, not affectionate, not humorous in her presence.
Given her respect for our marriage, I give her 4 months before he's in my bed at night, if he isn't there right now.
Do I love her, with all my heart. Does she love me...why would I risk loving her again the way I did, only to have her put her own physical needs, wants and desires ahead of everything marriage stands for. Thats not love, thats replied in kind.
Posted via Mobile Device
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
723 Posts
Hi

How would you so sure if his urges for OWs are completely out of his system indefinitely? (This is ultimately my own question to myself as I do have my self-doubts - he has a rather long-standing track record of serial adultery; he works very closely with young females, professionally)

Thanks for posting.
It is hard if you are dealing with serial cheating. I can fully understand that you have many doubts. In that case you may have to evaluate staying in the marriage.

For me, it came down to my H's beahviour. Did I see a radical change in his behaviour? Were we communicating about our relationship openly?
Was he able to leave his phone lying about without a password, did he close down windows on his computer if I walked into the room? There are many other subtle behaviours that you can watch for as well.

Once again though, if you are dealing with serial cheating, that is a different matter, not really an area I have dealt with ATM.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,592 Posts
By Biscuit
I'm approaching 7 months from DDay. Long back story so I won't get into detail.
Where we are today; I work as a trucker so I'm never home. She thinks I'm going to have a revenge affair or leave her completely. She wants the old, funny, charming, caring me back..."like you were before I was with him".
I found 7 sexually explicit texts from her to him on 7 different occasions and drew a line, she seemed to improve. I found out later she was sleeping with him, up to 4 seperate times (with-in a month of the ultimatum). Long back story, so I'll spare the drama, but what she is getting from me is what she gave me. I'm distant, vague, cold, not affectionate, not humorous in her presence.
Given her respect for our marriage, I give her 4 months before he's in my bed at night, if he isn't there right now.
Do I love her, with all my heart. Does she love me...why would I risk loving her again the way I did, only to have her put her own physical needs, wants and desires ahead of everything marriage stands for. Thats not love, thats replied in kind.

Quote of Biscuit
what she is getting from me is what she gave me
Reminds me of the line in the Beatles song that ends with
“The love you take is equal to the love you make”
(Last album, last song)





Quote of Biscuit
Given her respect for our marriage, I give her 4 months before he's in my bed at night, if he isn't there right now.
Do I love her, with all my heart. Does she love me...why would I risk loving her again the way I did, only to have her put her own physical needs, wants and desires ahead of everything marriage stands for. Thats not love, thats replied in kind.

Your statements above tells me that you need to get busy and get over her. If she acts like you say then you will be butchering your heart and having a miserable life if you do not get over her as soon as possible. She is not your whole life and you can have a good life without her. Millions have done it and so can you.

In your case, according to your post, your love will never be the same and will get worse if you stay.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
167 Posts
It is hard if you are dealing with serial cheating. I can fully understand that you have many doubts. In that case you may have to evaluate staying in the marriage.

For me, it came down to my H's beahviour. Did I see a radical change in his behaviour? Were we communicating about our relationship openly?
Was he able to leave his phone lying about without a password, did he close down windows on his computer if I walked into the room? There are many other subtle behaviours that you can watch for as well.

Once again though, if you are dealing with serial cheating, that is a different matter, not really an area I have dealt with ATM.
Hi Bellavista :)

Thank you for your thoughtful reply.

When my WS was having a long-term A with OW, he also saw other OWs to experiment behind his primary OW's back lol That's what I meant by "serial A". Sorry for the confusion.

Yes. I am TOTALLY with you regarding behavioural changes post-A for better.

My current concern would be that he would be open to temptations at work. It's really nice to know that I wasn't alone in this!

Thank you so much :smthumbup:
 
1 - 16 of 16 Posts
Status
Not open for further replies.
Top