[helpwanted]

A little background My husband and I have been together about 8 years. Sex was absolutely amazing up until the beginning of this year. I admit things have been hectic and a bit stressful but I'm at my sexual prime and I feel like I am being neglected.

We have sex maybe once a month if I am lucky. I am still young late 20s, still have a great body, still attractive. My body wants sex at least once a day but I would settle for 3-4 times a week.

I feel myself becoming very sexually frustrated and quite irritable when I am forced to wait for him. I have tried numerous times to initiate sex with him but I am always turned down. He says he's tired or not in the mood.(I thought those were my lines?) LOL Sometimes I catch myself daydreaming about having passionate wild sex then realize that's not my current reality.

He is in early 30s. He is still in good shape, sexy to me at least. But no sex drive. Like I said before HE WAS AWESOME in bed. I mean to the point where I would be ready for round two and think about him for days after. Now NOTHING FOR MONTHS.. AHHH

I have discussed this with him a few times and all he ever says is " Is Sex All You Think About?" I want to say well "yes, When i'm not getting any for months, what do you expect." But I just say No that isn't all I think about but I needed to know what's going on? He just says he's stressed, I'm selfish, I never think about his needs.. Not sure how he comes up with any of that considering I provide all his needs and then some.

I have waited patiently for him to come around, things to calm down. I haven't nagged him, haven't stop doing anything that I normally do. I act like things are fine even though I am dying inside. So much to say but I don't want to be 'That Girl'.

I am not sure if it's only me but if I'm stressed sex is awesome for me. It releases most of my stress for a while. Maybe I'm the only one.

Thank you in advance for reading and any questions are welcome.

 

[Jellybeans]

How often do you have sex?

 

[helpwanted]

Once a month if I am lucky.

 

[SadSamIAm]

I found this article regarding sex. Although it is based on how men feel when they are refused sex, it probably still relates to you as the one being rejected.

What my wife doesn't understand, is that it is not about the sex itself. It is about being desired and cared about. The one thing that really resounded with me was the sentence:

"‘No’ is not no to sex—as she might feel. It is no to me as I am."

TO WIVES: Why Is Sex So Important? | Marriage Missions International

 

[CanadianGuy]

For things to be going along great for 7 years and then poof next nothing for the last year is pretty unusual. :scratchhead:

You said that things have been a bit stressful. What is different from last year to this year? Does he watch porn and masturbate frequently?

It does sound from his responses to you that he is feeling pressured to perform. And answering a question with a question really doesn't help communication about it. eg "Is sex all you think about? " -

 

[helpwanted]

I found this article regarding sex. Although it is based on how men feel when they are refused sex, it probably still relates to you as the one being rejected.

What my wife doesn't understand, is that it is not about the sex itself. It is about being desired and cared about. The one thing that really resounded with me was the sentence:

"‘No’ is not no to sex—as she might feel. It is no to me as I am."

TO WIVES: Why Is Sex So Important? | Marriage Missions International

Thank you for this. I am going to go check it out.

 

[helpwanted]

For things to be going along great for 7 years and then poof next nothing for the last year is pretty unusual. :scratchhead:

You said that things have been a bit stressful. What is different from last year to this year? Does he watch porn and masturbate frequently?

It does sound from his responses to you that he is feeling pressured to perform. And answering a question with a question really doesn't help communication about it. eg "Is sex all you think about? " -

Things are way different this year. New place we are living, New Job title for both of us. A lot rides on him at work.
Which I totally understand as my job is also stressful and very time demanding. Any error on my part could cause million dollar losses. So I understand how stress could play a huge role.

However NO sex for a month wouldn't be an option for me.

He doesn't watch porn unless we are away on business trips or away from each other for a long period of time. I have no problem with that as I also self pleasure when I can. I just don't understand.

I am almost scared to try and initiate anything because of rejections and I know if I try and get rejected he will be upset with me and I will have to wait even longer!

 

[homebuilder]

I love it when the spouse who isn't meeting your sexual needs says your being selfish for asking.that really chaos my a$$ stop feeding him for a few days then when he ask for food say is that all you think about. God I would love that
Posted via Mobile Device

 

[helpwanted]

I love it when the spouse who isn't meeting your sexual needs says your being selfish for asking.that really chaos my a$$ stop feeding him for a few days then when he ask for food say is that all you think about. God I would love that
Posted via Mobile Device

I understand the psychology behind him saying I'm being selfish. It's the fact that he knows that he isn't meeting my needs he becomes defensive and tries to blame me.
His natural reaction is to blame others for him lacking.

What I don't understand is what has happened to his sex drive. It has VANISHED!

 

[kingsfan]

I have tried numerous times to initiate sex with him but I am always turned down. He says he's tired or not in the mood.(I thought those were my lines?)

They shouldn't be anyones lines.

I have discussed this with him a few times and all he ever says is " Is Sex All You Think About?" I want to say well "yes, When i'm not getting any for months, what do you expect." But I just say No that isn't all I think about but I needed to know what's going on? He just says he's stressed, I'm selfish, I never think about his needs.. Not sure how he comes up with any of that considering I provide all his needs and then some.

I have waited patiently for him to come around, things to calm down. I haven't nagged him, haven't stop doing anything that I normally do. I act like things are fine even though I am dying inside. So much to say but I don't want to be 'That Girl'.

I am not sure if it's only me but if I'm stressed sex is awesome for me. It releases most of my stress for a while. Maybe I'm the only one.

Speaking as a man here, I'd first like to say it's perfectly fine if you are thinking about sex all the time, and it is for the reason you said... on here. When you say "yes, When i'm not getting any for months, what do you expect." that is the right answer. When there is something a person needs but isn't getting nearly enough to fill the need, they tend to think about it. If you are tired, you can't wait to go to bed, if you're hungry you're counting down the minutes until you eat. If you haven't been laid since September, well, you're going to think about sex. A lot.

Problem is you didn't say that to him. You said no, you don't think about it a lot. First, that's a lie. Second, telling him you don't think about it a lot is working against you. It deminishes how much value you place on this need and thus allows him the freedom to not see it as as big of an issue as it really is.

He in no way should be calling you down for this need. Additionally, the reason he answers your question with a question -"Is Sex All You Think About?"- is because he wants to put the problem back on you. YOU have a healthy sex drive, YOU want to fix the problem, HE doesn't. He knows this but instead of taking responsibility he turns it around on you and asks if that's all you think about, implying that it is your issue, not his or both of yours as acouple.

Call him on it because it's bull****.

I have a very simply thoery about how a marriage should work and it applies to everything, not just sex. Two rules; one, express your needs and desires and find out your partners needs and desires. Two; make your spouses wants a NEED for you to achieve, and vice versa.

In other words, find someone compatible and make sure their every want and whim is your goal to achieve, and vice versa make sure they are doing the same for you. If you both are completely happy, hard to have a marriage go wrong.

He isn't meeting rule number two. Now I'm not saying he can't say no from time to time, for sure he can, but he's not even trying. He's not giving your wants, nevermind your needs, any thought when it comes to sex. Call him on this, because it's bull**** and you've given him roughly seven months to figure it out. That's plenty of time. He needs to man up and admit there's an issue and figure out the root cause, not just tell you to get over it and deal with it on your own.

I feel for you as a woman. For men, this sort of rejection is unfortunately commonplace. But because it is, we have strength in comradery. Women usually don't, and it can feel like there's truly something wrong when a man turns you down sexually for a long period of time. trust me, there's nothing wrong with you. The fact you are on a message board seeking help speaks to that. The issue is him.

Believe in yourself and kick his ass into gear.

 

[helpwanted]

Is it natural for a mans sex drive to go in his late 30s?

I feel like i want it more that I ever had which is due to my age and hormones but damn. Can't a lady get a break and not have to beg for sex.

I sometime think how easy it would be to get it elsewhere but I am not that kind of lady. I am not a cheater but sometimes It seems like it's the easy road.

 

[dormant]

An ex brother-in-law of mine had the perfect response to the "Is sex all you think about" question...

"No sex is not all I think about, but I do always think about it.

 

[kingsfan]

Good response. Out of curiousity, is sex the reason he's now the ex-brother-in-law? Or did you leave that particular family?

 

[helpwanted]

They shouldn't be anyones lines.



Speaking as a man here, I'd first like to say it's perfectly fine if you are thinking about sex all the time, and it is for the reason you said... on here. When you say "yes, When i'm not getting any for months, what do you expect." that is the right answer. When there is something a person needs but isn't getting nearly enough to fill the need, they tend to think about it. If you are tired, you can't wait to go to bed, if you're hungry you're counting down the minutes until you eat. If you haven't been laid since September, well, you're going to think about sex. A lot.

Problem is you didn't say that to him. You said no, you don't think about it a lot. First, that's a lie. Second, telling him you don't think about it a lot is working against you. It deminishes how much value you place on this need and thus allows him the freedom to not see it as as big of an issue as it really is.

He in no way should be calling you down for this need. Additionally, the reason he answers your question with a question -"Is Sex All You Think About?"- is because he wants to put the problem back on you. YOU have a healthy sex drive, YOU want to fix the problem, HE doesn't. He knows this but instead of taking responsibility he turns it around on you and asks if that's all you think about, implying that it is your issue, not his or both of yours as acouple.

Call him on it because it's bull****.

I have a very simply thoery about how a marriage should work and it applies to everything, not just sex. Two rules; one, express your needs and desires and find out your partners needs and desires. Two; make your spouses wants a NEED for you to achieve, and vice versa.

In other words, find someone compatible and make sure their every want and whim is your goal to achieve, and vice versa make sure they are doing the same for you. If you both are completely happy, hard to have a marriage go wrong.

He isn't meeting rule number two. Now I'm not saying he can't say no from time to time, for sure he can, but he's not even trying. He's not giving your wants, nevermind your needs, any thought when it comes to sex. Call him on this, because it's bull**** and you've given him roughly seven months to figure it out. That's plenty of time. He needs to man up and admit there's an issue and figure out the root cause, not just tell you to get over it and deal with it on your own.

I feel for you as a woman. For men, this sort of rejection is unfortunately commonplace. But because it is, we have strength in comradery. Women usually don't, and it can feel like there's truly something wrong when a man turns you down sexually for a long period of time. trust me, there's nothing wrong with you. The fact you are on a message board seeking help speaks to that. The issue is him.

Believe in yourself and kick his ass into gear.

Thank you so much for taking your time and responding.
I agree with you 100%. I should have been honest and say how I felt, I am now having that lie smack me in the face. I need to talk to him tonight and tell him just exactly how I feel and if he gets mad at me and makes me wait another month oh well. At least it will be out in the open and the ball will be back in his court.

I noticed that he has shut down lately as well. For example, He will get himself a drink in the kitchen and not think twice about asking if I need anything. Maybe it's just my kind and nurturing nature to make sure he isn't in need of anything and that he is well taken care of. It really bothers be that he only thinks of himself sometimes. he does do things for me financially but never the little things which matter the most to me.

If we fight he always reverts back to how he pays for things, makes sure we have food and he provides for me. Then I am ungrateful, a *****. I always tell him it's not the money that makes me happy. It's being there for me, showing me you care with your heart not your wallet. He doesn't get it. I could be happy pay check to pay check as long as my needs are met.

I just don't get it. The more i think about this the more I feel there is an underlining problem he is hiding.

Again thank you for your response it has giving me a lot to ponder.

 

[kingsfan]

Thank you so much for taking your time and responding.
I agree with you 100%. I should have been honest and say how I felt, I am now having that lie smack me in the face. I need to talk to him tonight and tell him just exactly how I feel and if he gets mad at me and makes me wait another month oh well. At least it will be out in the open and the ball will be back in his court.

I noticed that he has shut down lately as well. For example, He will get himself a drink in the kitchen and not think twice about asking if I need anything. Maybe it's just my kind and nurturing nature to make sure he isn't in need of anything and that he is well taken care of. It really bothers be that he only thinks of himself sometimes. he does do things for me financially but never the little things which matter the most to me.

If we fight he always reverts back to how he pays for things, makes sure we have food and he provides for me. Then I am ungrateful, a *****. I always tell him it's not the money that makes me happy. It's being there for me, showing me you care with your heart not your wallet. He doesn't get it. I could be happy pay check to pay check as long as my needs are met.

I just don't get it. The more i think about this the more I feel there is an underlining problem he is hiding.

Again thank you for your response it has giving me a lot to ponder.

Your welcome. Glad to offer up my 'wisdom'.

The ball will be back in his court and puts the onus on him. This problem is both of yours since it affects the marriage, but all you can do is your part. Call him on the problem and ask him to help you solve it. IF he refuses, that's on him and frankly, I view it as a break in your marital vows to a degree. I mean, for better for worse, richer, poorer, but when it comes to sex you're on your own? I don't recall hearing that.

I'd point out the shutting down thing as well, though I'd give a better example than the issue of a glass of water. It sounds clear to me he's willing to argue and getting disappointed over a glass of water to him will sound very weak. I'm like you, I like those little acts of kindness done for me as well and notice when they are gone, but to him, it'll likely come off as pettiness. Give a better example and discuss the issue with him.

In your arguments, his revrting sounds again like blameshifting. He's putting the blame on you. It's not about how HE doesn't do something for you, rather it's about how he gives YOU all this stuff already (food, providing for you, etc.) That's just a means to chift the blame back to you.

Next time he does it, tell him you're thankful for all of those things, but that you can also provide those for yourself if you really wanted to and the reason you got married isn't for a paycheck in your bank account. You got married for a paycheck in your love account. And he hasn't deposited a cheque in that account in a long time to the point it's likely overdrawn.

I'd recommend reading His Needs/Her Needs. He should read it too, but likely won't. It's a good read covering both sides of a relationship and gives you an understanding of the value of some wants/needs in a relationship. It does talk a bit about the value of sex to a man, so that might frustrate you to no end but the rest of the book you should find helpful.

Btw, as for an underlying issue, you should do your due diligence and rule that out. There are some things to look into, such as low testosterone and of course stress. Additionally, do not rule out an affair. I'm not saying he is cheating on you, but a fast and drastic change in your sex drive is a big red flag for that.

 

[helpwanted]

Your welcome. Glad to offer up my 'wisdom'.

The ball will be back in his court and puts the onus on him. This problem is both of yours since it affects the marriage, but all you can do is your part. Call him on the problem and ask him to help you solve it. IF he refuses, that's on him and frankly, I view it as a break in your marital vows to a degree. I mean, for better for worse, richer, poorer, but when it comes to sex you're on your own? I don't recall hearing that.

I'd point out the shutting down thing as well, though I'd give a better example than the issue of a glass of water. It sounds clear to me he's willing to argue and getting disappointed over a glass of water to him will sound very weak. I'm like you, I like those little acts of kindness done for me as well and notice when they are gone, but to him, it'll likely come off as pettiness. Give a better example and discuss the issue with him.

In your arguments, his revrting sounds again like blameshifting. He's putting the blame on you. It's not about how HE doesn't do something for you, rather it's about how he gives YOU all this stuff already (food, providing for you, etc.) That's just a means to chift the blame back to you.

Next time he does it, tell him you're thankful for all of those things, but that you can also provide those for yourself if you really wanted to and the reason you got married isn't for a paycheck in your bank account. You got married for a paycheck in your love account. And he hasn't deposited a cheque in that account in a long time to the point it's likely overdrawn.

I'd recommend reading His Needs/Her Needs. He should read it too, but likely won't. It's a good read covering both sides of a relationship and gives you an understanding of the value of some wants/needs in a relationship. It does talk a bit about the value of sex to a man, so that might frustrate you to no end but the rest of the book you should find helpful.

Btw, as for an underlying issue, you should do your due diligence and rule that out. There are some things to look into, such as low testosterone and of course stress. Additionally, do not rule out an affair. I'm not saying he is cheating on you, but a fast and drastic change in your sex drive is a big red flag for that.

You're right. I am going to discuss this with him tonight and hope he understands where I am coming from even though I know that is highly unlikely.
I definitely didn't hear anything about sex in our vows either LOL.. I need to find a better example and try my best to get it out quick. He shuts down so quick I think he can hear my voice but has no idea what I am saying. (have to admit I have done this a few times) so whatever I come up with is swift and to the point.

I am going to look into that book. I know for a fact he won't read it I have tried to pass on a couple great reads to him and he says I don't need your self help books. They all say the same. Oh he is impossible.

I am almost to the point of breaking. The more time goes on this way the more I find myself drifting away from him.
So sad and this all could have been avoided if he was being normal. DAMNIT!

 

[Chris Taylor]

Ask him if sex is important in a marriage.

If he says no, tell him then he won't mind if you get it elsewhere. You promised monogamy, but not celibacy.

If he says yes, tell him that an important part of the marriage is missing.

I think you have to lay out what he has to do. If it's something possibly physical or mental, he needs to get himself to a doctor and get it fixed. If he says it isn't, then it's up to him to be motivated to fix it somehow, but without an intimate, fulfilling sexual component to the marriage, the marriage won't last.

 

[Mavash.]

The more i think about this the more I feel there is an underlining problem he is hiding.

I've been where you are and yes there is an underlying problem. In fact there may be multiple problems. And one thing I can almost guarantee....talking about it won't solve anything. See he's angry with you and he's punishing you for some reason. So the more he sees you hurting the better he feels.

What you need to do instead of talk is observe. Try to figure out what's really going on. Why he is so angry? Play detective so to speak. You can't fix a problem you don't understand.

 

[helpwanted]

Ask him if sex is important in a marriage.

If he says no, tell him then he won't mind if you get it elsewhere. You promised monogamy, but not celibacy.

If he says yes, tell him that an important part of the marriage is missing.

I think you have to lay out what he has to do. If it's something possibly physical or mental, he needs to get himself to a doctor and get it fixed. If he says it isn't, then it's up to him to be motivated to fix it somehow, but without an intimate, fulfilling sexual component to the marriage, the marriage won't last.

I am going to think about asking him this. As I said before he gets angry with me and frustrated if I bring up the whole sex thing. I am to nervous to say anything even though it is such a big problem to me.

I know I am digging my own grave of unhappiness. I will have a great speech together in my head and right when the conversations starts everything that sounded so perfect is gone from my brain. I guess that my own problem but damn. Maybe I will write him a letter. thank you for you thoughts.

 

[kingsfan]

Great idea to write him a letter. Just read it yourself so he can understand your tone and the feelings behind it.