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Hi! My name is Tom. I turned 50 this year. I have been married for 15 years to the most wonderful woman I have ever met. She is a goddess in my eyes and no other can get my "attention" like she can. We have 4 children ages 11, 9, 5 & 3. My wife is the bread winner because she has the advanced degrees (2 Masters and a Doctorate) She works really hard sometimes late into the wee hours of the morning. Sometimes, she falls asleep on the floor in her office. She is always exhausted and rarely has time to relax and just do things for herself.

I was gainfully employed as a banker but decided to return to college to get a degree while she held the fort down. Well, needless to say, due to some unforeseen circumstances I did not graduate and my wife continues to shoulder the entire burden of keeping our house running, being an excellent mother and exceptional in her career. She is amazing.

My question is, is it unreasonabe or even irrational for me to want to have sexual intimacy with her once a week? She feels like I am being extremely needy and obsessed with her. I understand that she is under and EXTREME amount of stress with our finances, but it does not stop my desire to be with her. I think about it all of the time.

What can I do? She does not initiate intimacy with me. There was a time where I felt there was someone else (another man) but she has assured me it is our busy circumstances not another person. Our arguments are becoming epic! They all stem from my belief that she is no longer "in to" me. She says that's not true. She says she just does not have time and doesn't feel motivated and our arguments are driving a wedge between us. I have an anger problem and it's getting worse because I cannot seem to make her understand what I'm going through.

I feel that we should work together to achieve balance and that out sexual needs and our physical intimacy needs are just as important as our finances and safety. Is there something wrong with me for demanding sexual intimacy from my busy wife? Help Me!!

TomCat
 

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Its no more unreasonable than for her to expect you to go to the mall with her.

The real answer is that she feels she needs more butt-kissing than you are providing. She wants attention, compliments, romance and such just like a 19 year old. That's what makes her want sex.

On the other hand, you should do whatever she wants. Anything less, and you're an A-hole.

On the third hand: You are supposed to be the primary one to support and provide. Don't quit your job and lay off the income burden on her unless you are going to come roaring back like Rambo, no question about it. Its tough to look like that top dog if you aren't. You've got to up your Rambo score.
 

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Its no more unreasonable than for her to expect you to go to the mall with her.

The real answer is that she feels she needs more butt-kissing than you are providing. She wants attention, compliments, romance and such just like a 19 year old. That's what makes her want sex.

On the other hand, you should do whatever she wants. Anything less, and you're an A-hole. Funny, eh? You can do things you hate to please her till the cows come how, and its expected of you.
Of course, if only he butt kissed more she'd be fine with supporting everyone financially and running the house. Ok then.
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Once a week is what the Catholic Church considers a reasonable expectation of marital duties. So it is not too much to ask. You do not want to associate requests with guilt nor should she feel like you are going to throw a temper tantrum if you do not get any. You'll probably have to go out of your way to make her feel BOTH relaxed and that you are not trying to manipulate her just for sex. For example, you may want to find a way to embark on a home improvement project that is simple but makes life easier like installing some book shelves or optimizing household storage. Then help go through the kids stuff and donate some of the clutter that comes along with so many kids. These type of projects can relieve a great deal of stress, because an organized home is a stress free home. Once you get to this point, she may become more receptive for sex. If she comes home and the kitchen is a disaster and there are crumbled up pop tarts on the floor next to the couch underneath last night's pizza box, then that is NOT the time to pressure her for sex.

As for your children ages, obviously someone has to be home while the other is the breadwinner. Just because you are obviously the one home does not mean that you can not work and contribute. If you were a banker, you should be able to subcontract accounting work and tax preparation for other small businesses in your area.

Now if you say your wife is sleeping on the floor in her office and coming home early in the morning.... those seem like red flags to me. Either she is having an affair, or you are allowing her to work too hard without any remorse.

Best wishes,
Badsanta
 

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LifeIsTooShort: I am fully capable of working and earning a living. However, in her chosen profession, she makes 4 times as much as me. I spend a lot of time with our 4 kids. Camp, track practice, projects, homework and everything. I even took a position as a substitute teacher at my kids elementary school to be close. I cook, clean and fix things as well. I just don't and probably will NEVER earn as much money as her. My anger, typically comes from frustration because I feel neglected. She says she feels neglected as well. I totally understand where your coming from. However, we have been on 1 date without kids in the last 10 years.

Forest: Good tip. She has indicated that I am not romantic. I believe that my anger causes her to forget the compliments, attention and romance. But I love her and I will try harder.
 

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You say you were in banking and then went back to school. Were you the major breadwinner in your previous work? How long has it been since you went back to school?

Is it possible that she resents having to shoulder the load of work and minding the children?
 

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Of course, if only he butt kissed more she'd be fine with supporting everyone financially and running the house. Ok then.
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Yeah, impose that double standard. Nice the way you cut off my advice to get more involved financially because it didn't fit your little snit. The guy is asking for advice and opinions. Let people talk without judging and fussing.

I buy into the same thing. A man should be bringing home the bacon, or the woman ain't interested.

If he were a woman, you wouldn't give a tinker's darn what the circumstances were, or who brought home the pay. You'd support unconditionally, and say the man should be more understanding, sympathetic, empathetic, etc. Money, burden, etc would never enter the picture.

Good news men! If you have a good paycheck, your woman should kow-tow to you like a geisha under this scenario. What a narrow, one-side viewpoint.
 

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You say you were in banking and then went back to school. Were you the major breadwinner in your previous work? How long has it been since you went back to school?

Is it possible that she resents having to shoulder the load of work and minding the children?
We both share the load with the kids. I was a bank branch manager and I walked away in 2008. I'm back in school now. I'm 18 hours away from my undergrad degree.
 

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Ok, thanks for clearing that up. You indicated that she was running the house as well but it looks like you are doing your part. I make more than my hb and I don't think less of him for it but he picks up a lot at home.

Your wife is working too much. Period. Those big bucks often come with that price so something needs to change. In my profession one can rise to that level but it's not something I've ever wanted.

Can she cut back and make less? Can you supplement her income? Better balance needs to be found here..... money isn't everything. I don't think your marriage can be a priority while she puts so much into work. I see this all the time at my job, the ones who work all the time like that are single or get divorced.
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Discussion Starter #12 (Edited)
Side note...we once went 3 years without sex. THREE YEARS!!! When I see the words "THREE YEARS". I get angry. However, I understand. My anger and things have caused her to disconnect from me. I take full responsibility. To me, neglect is tantamount to abuse. Especially when someone knows that their spouse is totally faithful and waiting for intimacy. I just love my wife. I always have.
 

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We both share the load with the kids. I was a bank branch manager and I walked away in 2008. I'm back in school now. I'm 18 hours away from my undergrad degree.
Can't you finish your degree? Seems like a no-brainer solution.

Anyway, you didn't answer my question: is she resentful of you not working?

The 3 year thing is bullsh!t btw. Noone should have to tolerate that. Have you changed in some significant way that has affected her desire for you?

Why does my spidey sense say you are a troll?
 

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Yes something is wrong with you. Your wife is not attracted to you. Google how to reattract your wife. One thing it will tell you is complaining is unattractive. Handling rejection in an attractive manner is tricky but it can be done with insight and a commitment to what works. You have to reignite the passion. It is real work but well worth it. Manning up is vital. Finish degree, get happy with yourself without needing her and kick ass at something and add something exciting and new to the mix that is your life. She needs to admire you to find you attractive. Ask yourself why or how would she admire you and then go accomplish something and be worthy of her interest in you always. Be interesting. Be attractive. Stop complaining and motivate her to be sexual with attraction, interest, excitement and passion
 

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Discussion Starter #17 (Edited)
Can't you finish your degree? Seems like a no-brainer solution.

Anyway, you didn't answer my question: is she resentful of you not working?

The 3 year thing is bullsh!t btw. Noone should have to tolerate that. Have you changed in some significant way that has affected her desire for you?

Why does my spidey sense say you are a troll?
I believe she is resentful because of my relationship with the boys, not being as educated as her and her colleagues, my anger issues and not working. Keep in mind, I am a musician so there is some money coming in as well as substitute teaching in the fall. I'm back in school. I will be done in the spring of 2016.

Troll? No freaking way. I want my wife to desire me. She says my anger makes her not want to be close to me. I need her to want me like I want her.
 

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Yeah, this seems like a respect issue. Get your degree and a job asap. Then head for some counselling. Most women and men want partners who match them in drive and achievement.

Its a double standard. There are men who are okay with a less accomplished woman. But most high-achieving women want their equal in marriage (even though this often causes other problems they don't anticipate).
 

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Dump the anger now. It's not attractive.

Take responsibility for becoming unattractive to your wife. That is the minute you will begin to move forward getting a life and reenergizing yourself to be the best man you can be for yourself whether she approves or not.

Being self-respective confident and proud of who you are and are becoming is attractive. At the moment, you don't seem to have that. Be a man with a plan an work the chit out of that plan.

Being the best you you can be on your terms unapologetically is attractive. It appears you need a kick in the ass to deal with your current list of shortcomings. You have gotten lazy in your pursuit of an happiness

Knock your chit off an get busy. Be remarkable according to your values. THAT is attractive to everyone.
 
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