Talk About Marriage banner
Status
Not open for further replies.
1 - 20 of 29 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
11 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Ok, so I'm a 29 year old woman, attractive and with a healthy sexual appetite. Hubby is an attractive 31 year old with little to no sexual appetite. We've been together for 12 years (high school sweethearts). Obviously the first 6 years were awesome! Sex all the time, lots of affection, compliments and attention from him. After that, it's been dwindling to non existent. I would like to have sex everyday. But, am willing to settle for 3 times a week. He would like it maybe 1-2 times a month. He treats me like his buddy, calling me "bro" and "dude", punching my arm (love tap), wrestling with me (totally non sexual), making jokes about me (like guys do, make fun etc) and no romance or showing of love at all. I have to admit that I've stopped inititiating sex because 99% of the time I was rejected. With the non existing compliments, sweet talking, wooing, affection, not treating me like a "woman" and lack of sex, my self esteem has taken a dive. So the rejection just wrecks me. I know in my mind that I am attractive, above average. Guys still hit on me. But, just thinking that he's not attracted to me kills me. I've asked him and begged him to just tell me what is going on, he's says that it's not me. I am 99% positive he is not cheating. I've checked his phone a few times and he looks at porn and I've caught him a few times. That sets me over the edge because if we had a healthy sex life, he was giving me compliments and attention I would NOT care if he got himself off. Honestly. I used to love watching it with him! But he's just so distant in the intimate aspect. We are best friends so our relationship outside of the intimacy is great. We have 5 kids so I should really be the one giving the "I have a headache" or "I'm too tired" excuse and I'm ALWAYS rearing to go! He's very missionary type unless I get him tipsy. When he initiates sex, I'm instantly ready and he just lays down and lets me do all the work. I love to give him oral, he does not like to return the favor. He says that his breath stinks and he can't stand smelling his own breath down there. He swears that it's not me. I just feel like I'm giving 125% in this relationship and he's just getting by with about 25%. I've tried being super nice, talking to him in a humorous way, talking to him in a serious way, accommodating him totally so he's not tired, being cold with him, holding out (which he doesn't even notice) and breaking down and freaking out which I just did 2 nights ago. Something has to change. I'm so unhappy. :confused:
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
606 Posts
There's nothing wrong with you and your husband is not a prude. When you talk to him and he says it's not you, what does he say it is? When you say you're giving 125% and he's giving 25%, are you just referring to the intimacy part, or everything like raising 5 kids, housework, etc? He must be giving more than 25% if he's out working hard to financially support the family.

Maybe he should go to the dr. and get his testosterone checked. If you used to hump like dogs and now that is history, there must be something that caused this dramatic decline.

You briefly touched on porn. Maybe you should discuss that more here so we know the extent of it. From what I've read here at TAM, porn is a marriage killer. It's an addiction and a dark abyss. That might be the root of all this.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,408 Posts
There's nothing wrong with you and your husband is not a prude. When you talk to him and he says it's not you, what does he say it is? When you say you're giving 125% and he's giving 25%, are you just referring to the intimacy part, or everything like raising 5 kids, housework, etc? He must be giving more than 25% if he's out working hard to financially support the family.

Maybe he should go to the dr. and get his testosterone checked. If you used to hump like dogs and now that is history, there must be something that caused this dramatic decline.

You briefly touched on porn. Maybe you should discuss that more here so we know the extent of it. From what I've read here at TAM, porn is a marriage killer. It's an addiction and a dark abyss. That might be the root of all this.
:iagree:

Posted via Mobile Device
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,733 Posts
I agree too

Get his testosterone checked and then see if he looks at porn too much and h's getting himself off too much

He could have a porn addiction
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
11 Posts
Discussion Starter · #5 ·
When I say 125% and 25% I mean the sex act itself. In our everyday lives, it's more like me 100% and him 50%. He has his own business which he doesn't take too seriously, he likes to hunt, THAT'S his passion. I work from home which takes a lot of my time plus the house, kids, etc. He says that he just doesn't "feel" like having sex and that if we did it everyday that it will get boring. I've asked him about his fantasies whether they be odd or not and even shared some of my own. He says he has NO fantasies. I've let him know that I will try ANYTHING at least once...he just shrugs his shoulders and is like, "eh". I'm a VERY sexual person and most times I think I should have been a man, as I think about it a lot.
The porn thing, has never been a big issue, he's been caught by me about 3 times and I've seen porn sites on the history (he doesn't know how to clear history) maybe a dozen times since we've been together. But I've caught it on his phone with him viewing it about 2-3 times a month, which honestly I would be all for it (for longer lasting purposes in bed) if we had a healthier sex life.
He has been tested for low testosterone and was low, but has had it under control for some time now. He is now normal.
And just to throw it in there, all of his friends and family tell him how lucky he is to have a great wife like me. He tells me that as well as them.
I feel that the only things on his mind all the time are hunting and fixing up his truck. I'm never on his mind. He looks right through me. I'm very lonely, feel ignored and just not "enough" for him. I break my back trying to be the perfect wife and it's still not enough.
I'm really considering leaving for a week or so with the kids to my mother in laws to jolt him a bit, but scared that he may like the quiet house and freedom. We've done marriage counseling but he takes it as a joke. He's like "let's get this over with because this 'phase' will end in a couple weeks".
He's a great dad (although he could help A LOT more) and a great guy and his family is his life. I just don't know what else to do. I have no close friends so I don't know who to turn to...
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,273 Posts
Has he started taking any psychotropic drugs, such as SSRI's, or is he on meds for ADD?

T
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
11 Posts
Discussion Starter · #7 ·
"I definitely don't appreciate that I'm expected to accept rejection 75-90%, then if she initiates, I have to respond. It doesn't matter how tired, sick, or frustrated I am (primarily from serial rejection). I have to respond promptly, and with a smile, or I'm shut down for at least another week. BS in my opinion."
That was from another post on here and this is EXACTLY how I feel when he FINALLY turns over for some sex after 2 weeks! I have become very angry, rejected and resentful which is spilling over into other areas of my life.
Why do I have to make this relationship right? Why is it always ME working on us? I just think he might have given up, he's got me so why does he have to try anymore?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
4,291 Posts
This is not an uncommon story. Sounds like he just isn't that into you, he loves you but is not in love with you.
He may well be happy with things as they are because he is having his needs met and can appear to the outside world that he has the perfect life.

He knows you are unhappy with the way things are but he does not make an effort to change things, this means he really does not value your needs very highly.

Most likely things will not change. You now need to sit down and decide what action you will take. If you stay then you will live like this forever, other option is to go and build a new life for yourself.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,273 Posts
Any idea why he has low testosterone? Is he consistent with the treatment? When did the treatment start? Has he seen tests verifying the treatment elevated his testosterone?

T
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
11 Posts
Discussion Starter · #11 ·
Holland: I agree that he doesn't value my needs. I've told him time and time again what I need and still to no avail. He on the other hand doesn't like something and POOF it's changed, my hair, clothes, cleaning habits, food I make etc. He has it made. What you said about living like this forever, I've thought about that and know that if we don't change, it will be like this forever. I'm definitely ready to leave. Just hard being a stay at home mom of 5.
Tony55: No idea why, Dr. showed us lab results a couple years back, he's taken shots and vitamins and continues to drink blueberry juice everyday to maintain it. Last Dr.'s appt a few months ago confirmed that he is normal T level now.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
4,291 Posts
Yes 5 children is a huge consideration. Maybe it is time to start making your exit plan in the background, get things in place even if it is going to be a few years before you can leave.

This will give you time to also see if things do improve with your DH.

Sadly I doubt things will improve. Do not waste your life, trust me on this one. There is a big world out there full of people that will love you and want to share intimacy with you.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
11 Posts
Discussion Starter · #13 ·
Thank you Holland. I do know that, just maybe needed to hear it from someone else, as I feel guilty and selfish to end my marriage. His rebuttal is that he is not a cheater, liar, addicted to drugs or an abuser so he has the best husband award. He thinks it's a joke and will in no way think a divorce would be justifiable for this insignificant thing. So that has weighed on me, second guessing my feelings. I will be responsible for this divorce and ruin my children's happy home because of my "feelings". Should I just suck it up and put my happiness aside for my children's???
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,273 Posts
Tony55: No idea why, Dr. showed us lab results a couple years back, he's taken shots and vitamins and continues to drink blueberry juice everyday to maintain it. Last Dr.'s appt a few months ago confirmed that he is normal T level now.
This is very important. How often is he taking a shot? DO you know how much and what the strength is?

Listen, if he is on hormone replacement for low testosterone, let me explain what that means. A mans sex drive comes from his level of T, add T and his drive goes up... BUT, whatever level he WAS making on his own, goes away once he starts taking the injections. So, at this point, 2 years in, his own body is making ZERO testosterone, and is relying 100% on what he is injecting. If these injections are not consistent, or too far spaced, then he's bouncing around between high and low. Do you know what his total T was before and what it is now?

Did he originally get his T tested because of the lack of sex drive?

T
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,036 Posts
Nothing wrong with you at all. In fact, you are the ideal wife because my wife is like your hubby and we don't have kids. You and I are near identical, interesting there are so many men and women in the same boat as us. At least we aren't alone on this.

I too have pretty much given up on my wife, her lack of sex drive not wanting to take care of herself, never initiates, rejects my sexual advances majority of the time and she can go many weeks if not 1+ month of no sex and be clueless everytime.

Tell him you need intimacy and sex, ideal once every day and if he says no, tell him you will find someone else for sex. See what he does then? He isn't taking care of business in the bedroom or you seriously, not a cool guy in my books.

Something else is going on we don't know about yet.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,273 Posts
Let me also mention that he's too young to have low testosterone; there's something more going on here, there has to be a reason for his testosterone being so low. Is he overweight? Maybe used steroids in the past? Has he had his testicles thoroughly checked? Did they check his pituitary gland (done with an MRI)?

T
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
192 Posts
Ok, so I'm a 29 year old woman, attractive and with a healthy sexual appetite.
Please define attractive, have you put on weight? Perhaps something else that may have made him less attracted to you. Mind you he will not likely come out and be blunt as to not offend you.

When ever I read something like this there is always two sides to the story. Something underlying that has changed his feelings.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
192 Posts
Let me also mention that he's too young to have low testosterone; there's something more going on here, there has to be a reason for his testosterone being so low. Is he overweight? Maybe used steroids in the past? Has he had his testicles thoroughly checked? Did they check his pituitary gland (done with an MRI)?

T
^^^^^^^^^^
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
4,291 Posts
Firstly don't think in terms of being selfish, you are doing all you can, your DH on the other hand is ignore your needs which is a very selfish act.
My ex could easily have won father of the year and from an outsiders POV he probably looked like husband of the year too.
He is a good man, never cheated, worked hard etc but he could not cope with the one thing that I needed which was intimacy. He knew I was unhappy and refused to put in the effort needed to work together to have a great life.

Lack of sex, intimacy and not having your needs met is in no way an insignificant reason for divorce. Please do not let this situation eat away at your strength and self esteem, you know you are worth more and you have the right to expect more,

The more you talk and read online you will see that your story is sadly very very common. One of the biggest problems is that being a female that is rejected in this way has it's own set of issues. People assume that men are usually the victim of rejection but it is not the case, there are many women who suffer this.

As women we think our men are supposed to love us, to desire us, to want to be close and have sex with us. When we are rejected like this then often women think the problem is us, we are ugly, unworthy, not loveable etc and the self esteem gets shot to pieces. Our friends are complaining that their husbands want to do it every night and all the while we are wondering what is worg with us that our husband won't touch us.

The problem is not with you, there is nothing wrong with you. Your husband knows things are not good but by doing nothing to meet your needs what he is really saying is that your needs do not matter to him.

Do not suck it up and live like this for the sake of your kids. They will eventually see that the marriage is a sham. I am not saying that divorce is the easy option but don't think it is healthy for kids to see an unhappy marriage. You are their role model, do you want them to think that a marriage like this is normal?
Do not martyr yourself, it will not help your kids and you will waste your precious years.

I ended my marriage 3 years ago, it was painful and so very hard to do. I am still friends with my ex, he is a good man, we co parent together exceptionally well. But he did not value my needs (actually I think he did but was not capable of doing what needed to be done).
The last few years of the marriage made me physically ill, my hair started to come out, I had chest pains and I was miserable.
Today I look and feel better than i have in years, I am in a beautiful relationship where I am valued, I am happy.

I'm not saying jump right into divorce but it is time to take stock and make some plans. Most importantly you need to know you are a valuable, lovable person, do not lose your self esteem over this, be strong.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
192 Posts
This is very important. How often is he taking a shot? DO you know how much and what the strength is?

Listen, if he is on hormone replacement for low testosterone, let me explain what that means. A mans sex drive comes from his level of T, add T and his drive goes up... BUT, whatever level he WAS making on his own, goes away once he starts taking the injections. So, at this point, 2 years in, his own body is making ZERO testosterone, and is relying 100% on what he is injecting. If these injections are not consistent, or too far spaced, then he's bouncing around between high and low. Do you know what his total T was before and what it is now?

Did he originally get his T tested because of the lack of sex drive?

T
Also there are over all T levels and what now seems more important Free T levels which seem to be more a part of the sex drive.
 
1 - 20 of 29 Posts
Status
Not open for further replies.
Top