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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Hi All,
I need some help, how many times have you read that line? I, like others before me have read quite a lot of threads on here before deciding to put my worries out there. The reading has resulted in a few things:
• Shock at how similar some of the issues I have been facing are to those already on here, I read one thread and could have almost believed I’d written it myself.
• Realisation that I probably already know the truth but am in denial.
• A need within me to think that this site is full of bitter people that can only see the bad in a situation and always end up telling anyone new on here that they are being cheated on. I hope this is true but clearly, if I thought that deep down then I wouldn’t be typing right now.
• I’ve realise how scared I am of knowing the truth for sure and having to deal with the consequences.

Quick background: Have been married 8 years, together 10, have two boys (4 and 6) with my wife and two older children from my previous marriage living with us. Both my wife and I are in our late thirties/early forties.

My story – I’ve been working progressively longer hours for a few years now, I have a commute and am out of the house from 6.30 am to about 6.00pm and work has been challenging. Around the end of October I noticed some changes in my wife, she was being less expressive e.g. wasn’t telling me she loved me, seemed to stop texting me, didn’t always respond to texts, stopped telling me she missed me etc. She then said she wanted to go visit an elderly relative on her own, very out of character and would have meant a night away (never done before).
She also started doing some admin work for a plumber that’s done quite a lot of work for us, I was a bit uncomfortable because she has to work in his house, she tells me he is never there and he has given her a key. I noticed them texting a bit, found a text from him to her saying nite nite xxx (his spelling).
Anyway, to get to the point, I talked to her about how I was feeling, said I was worried we were drifting, blamed me for being distant etc. Said I had even imagined that there might be something going on with her and the plumber. She said she still loves me and wants to be with me and that we are just in a rut and it will take her time to readjust. She says that it has been this way for a long time. I disagree, with hindsight, yes we were in a rut but her change has been within the last few months, when I text her ‘I miss you’ she doesn’t respond in kind but changes the subject. She used to wave
My suspicions are obvious; my evidence to date is slim:
• Text saying nite nite xxx (didn’t copy or confront, felt guilty for looking at her phone).
• Since I mentioned having concerns over the plumber she deletes all texts and phone records.
• She now has the phone on silent and it rarely ever leaves her side, she has also set it so that messages don’t show a preview.
• She went to Toys r us a week or so ago and spent half an hour in a car park on the way (I left my iPhone in the car and tracked her. I confronted her, she said she had just needed space but had phoned the plumber whilst there ‘about work’. She would have lied about the stop off if I hadn’t had the proof.
This guy is going through a rough time with his ex and is having issues over how she looks after their son. I know he has confided in my wife and I worry that the consoling might have crossed a line. He is a cheeky chappy and is the type to flirt but the kisses made me uncomfortable. I hope she is deleting the texts so that I just don’t worry. She says she is committed to our relationship and there is no one else.
I tried the 180 last night and got an instant response, she was very playful and this morning she told me she loved me, first time since I first talked to her about all this six weeks ago.
I’m rambling now, I just want some thoughts. Is this just me? I love her more than anything and have been extremely needy the last couple of months.

To be fair to her, in the last year she has taken on a job at a childrens nursery 3 mornings a week, volunteers for a cat charity and started doing the plumbers work so I guess maybe there were bound to be some changes.

Please help, what do I do next?
 

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• I’ve realise how scared I am of knowing the truth for sure and having to deal with the consequences.
This logic will lead you to a failure.


As for if she's cheating, yea she appears to be. If she has nothing to hide then why is she deleting phone records. She even has a key to OM's house. Can it get more obvious then that?
 

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Well the first thing that comes to mind is if you have a gut feeling she's cheating, usually she is....

The signs are there. I especially don't like the deleted texts. She knows you're concerned, why wouldn't she be open about showing you all of the texts to ease your worries?

Remember, where there's smoke there's fire.
 

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My take - she is very much cheating on you and the affair is physical. I am a big supporter of Reconciliation after an affair if the WS is truly remorseful and changes, but, you have to acknowledge the affair and snap them harshly out of it for R to be possible at all.

You say not much evidence - she has given you plenty - phone attached to her 24/7, deleted texts and emails/history, key to his house and night night....none of my employers ever told me night night....and out of character spending the night at an elderly relatives house (who probably couldn't tell you one way or the other if she really did spend the night).....sir, you have no time to lose.

Tell her one day that you need to go Christmas shopping, steal her phone and take it to someone who can retrieve everything. If you think you can still love and want to be with her knowing she has had an affair, kill it now. And be prepared for her blaming you and lying like an SOB and acting like someone you can't even imagine. When confronted and her faults are laid out in front of her, she will be the Devil.

Sorry you are here. You have our support.
 

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You know the truth.

If for no other reason than to convince yourself, start digging. Put a VAR in her car, keylog her computer, put spyware on her phone, check her emails, bank accounts, cell phone records etc.

My mindset was the same as yours right up till D day. Even as I sat in front of his computer and saw the usernames like hot_wendy and sexy-jhanna, I tried to convince myself that they were just innocent relationships that happened to have inappropriate screen names. I knew they weren't though.

I am sorry. Learning the truth sucks. It really really does.
 

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Anyone that's been cheated on knows the signs. That's why when you say we always jump to saying they are cheating, its because the signs are there.

I hate to tell you BUT...the signs are there! :(

Deleted texts, phone records, etc. She needs to stop working for him! Or she needs to work from home but not in his house. No telling what goes on in that house while you're working!
 

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If you are uncomfortable with it why is she still working with him.

You do know the 3 xs mean kisses, right ?
 

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Quietly gather enough evidence so she can't possibly call you crazy when you confront her. Before you confront come here for advice. Don't do this on your own.

And do something about your demeanor. Saying you're afraid of what you might find out makes you appear weak and pathetic. I know, this is devastating. We're all sorry you're here. You don't deserve this. But now is the time to gather yourself and become determined and confident. Be the guy that absolutely will not allow another guy into your marriage. Your chances at reconciliation are much, much greater if you act firmly and decisively.
 

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Anyone that's been cheated on knows the signs. That's why when you say we always jump to saying they are cheating, its because the signs are there.

I hate to tell you BUT...the signs are there! :(

Deleted texts, phone records, etc. She needs to stop working for him! Or she needs to work from home but not in his house. No telling what goes on in that house while you're working!
Actually, she need s to give you access to her phone, texts etc. She also need absolutely No Contact with this guy.

You need to get the VAR now for her car in case she gets a burner phone.

Check her phone bill/records to see how much texting is going on.

If she has a smart phone you can probaly get the deleted texts.

Ask her for her phone, if she doesn't give it to you tell her to go to the plumbers house and you will help her pack.
 

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Trust your gut and take the advice of the veterans of this forum. I too am surprised at how many stories here are almost identical to mine.

I never would have thought my wife was cheating on me either until I took the advice of people on TAM and started monitoring my wife.

Several Red Flags - phone PW protected and at her side 24/7, cold, dismissive, critical and bitter toward me for past year and a half, accusations of me cheating on her, the list goes on and on.

Well don't I find out she is having an EA, quite likely a PA with a coworker! I'm gutted to say the least.

Trust your gut and get an action plan together and monitor her to the greatest extent that you can. Only you can decide to R or D.

Good luck and I'm sorry to see you here.
 

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Discussion Starter · #11 ·
I guess I asked for these responses and actually, they are what i need too.
I'm now feeling sick, my stomach is churning and I'm feeling shaky. I expect some people here can identify with that.

I just want to know the truth but I know that if I ask she'll just say it's nothing. if I ask about the text wit xxx (I know what they mean) she'll say it was him not her. if I ask her about deleting them she'll say she didn't want me to get upset for no reason.

I'm not good at confrontation so I guess I need some evidence, will get a recorded and stick it in the car.

I know this sounds wet but i still feel gulity for snooping and not trusting her. I've always idolised her honesty and up until very recently would never have questioned anything she said.

She has an Iphone 4s which isn't jail broken and she doesn't use itunes, anyone have any ideas on how to get history out of it?

I just want to hold her tight and for everything to be ok. Feel like crying now.
 

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She's cheating.

It's a PA and probably an EA, too.

Warning: She may already be thinking of leaving you for him.

It's time to formulate a plan.
1. Do you want to save this marriage?
2. Are you preparing to be firm and decisive yet let her know you love her and want this marriage to work?
3. Try to show strength, not weakness (crying, begging, etc.)
4. Try to get your anger out now in advance. Before you confront her.
5. Be prepared to hear the cheater's script. Don't believe ANYTHING she tells you because it will be lies, lies, lies.
6. Marriage counseling and No Contact are requisites.
7. Be prepared to lose her, and use Divorce as leverage if she is really foggy.
 

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You will receive lots of advice on this site. Some you'll like some you won't. Do whats best for you.

Think long and hard about this: Why is your wife deleting text messages and phone history of conversations with another man?

whatever is happening, its outside of your marriage and is not appropriate. What does she have to hide from you? This is NOT NORMAL!

You need evidence that you can confront with. Hard evidence. She knows you are on to her and she will hide it from you. Listen to what these people are telling you. Don't hide from the truth, do this for your sanity.
 

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Andy, I felt and still do feel the same as you.

I now realize that my W is no longer the same person I fell in love with and married. This was evident when I discovered the so called smoking gun that she is having an A.

Keep you head up, start thinking about your own well being and be the best Dad you can be for your children.
 

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I guess I asked for these responses and actually, they are what i need too.
I'm now feeling sick, my stomach is churning and I'm feeling shaky. I expect some people here can identify with that.

I just want to know the truth but I know that if I ask she'll just say it's nothing. if I ask about the text wit xxx (I know what they mean) she'll say it was him not her. if I ask her about deleting them she'll say she didn't want me to get upset for no reason.

I'm not good at confrontation so I guess I need some evidence, will get a recorded and stick it in the car.

I know this sounds wet but i still feel gulity for snooping and not trusting her. I've always idolised her honesty and up until very recently would never have questioned anything she said.

She has an Iphone 4s which isn't jail broken and she doesn't use itunes, anyone have any ideas on how to get history out of it?

I just want to hold her tight and for everything to be ok. Feel like crying now.
Its a hard place to be in but you will survive and if you stand up for yourself you'll be a stronger person in the end.

You idolize her honesty? Obviously she isn't as honest as you thought she was. You idolized the thought of her being honest! We all think our spouses are honest til they get busted...they are the best liars and deceivers there are!
 

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I guess I asked for these responses and actually, they are what i need too.
I'm now feeling sick, my stomach is churning and I'm feeling shaky. I expect some people here can identify with that.

I just want to know the truth but I know that if I ask she'll just say it's nothing. if I ask about the text wit xxx (I know what they mean) she'll say it was him not her. if I ask her about deleting them she'll say she didn't want me to get upset for no reason.

I'm not good at confrontation so I guess I need some evidence, will get a recorded and stick it in the car.

I know this sounds wet but i still feel gulity for snooping and not trusting her. I've always idolised her honesty and up until very recently would never have questioned anything she said.

She has an Iphone 4s which isn't jail broken and she doesn't use itunes, anyone have any ideas on how to get history out of it?

I just want to hold her tight and for everything to be ok. Feel like crying now.
the thing is, a guy that is not you is telling her goodnight and giving her text "kisses". therefore, there IS a "reason" for you to be upset. dont play that game with yourself. if you are upset, you have a reason.
i never questioned what my wife told me or said either. trusted her implicitly. 100%. more than i trusted "my gut". guess where that got me? here.
i can instruct you on how to recover deleted texts. if she doesnt use itunes, that makes it SO much easier, because you can use itunes to backup her phone and not have to worry about her password, etc.
thats how i busted my wife and her BF.
on that note, if you choose to look at those texts, be prepared man...if she is cheating with him it WONT be pretty and you will see things from some alien woman that you thought you were married to.
download itunes on your computer.
get her phone.
back it up.
let me know.
 

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Its a hard place to be in but you will survive and if you stand up for yourself you'll be a stronger person in the end.

You idolize her honesty? Obviously she isn't as honest as you thought she was. You idolized the thought of her being honest! We all think our spouses are honest til they get busted...they are the best liars and deceivers there are!
And tell her to stop deleting texts she should have nothing to hide.You will find more info with the var.
 

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Install itunes on your computer and sync her phone to it. You'll be able to get deleted texts/call logs out of it.

Way to retrieve deleted text messages from iphone - Truth About Deception

DO NOT CONFRONT HER AFTER READING THEM. THEY'LL MOST LIKELY BE EXPLICIT IN CONTENT SO TAKE DEEP BREATH AND VENT HERE.
yup.
you will have to sort through lots of junk, but theyll be there.
you can also use a hex editor to actually search them, and man o man the things you can find with that.
 
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