Talk About Marriage banner

141 - 160 of 291 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
7,942 Posts
I was actually a virgin and if I waited for my husband, who had at least 5 partners before me (i know its more, but he is prohibited of talking about it), I would have only learned to lay there on my side and look at the wall.

So everything I learned from reading, watching, talking and throught IMAGINATION and applied to my relationship.

So, by my "real life" experience, it ^^^^ isnt true at all.

Ps: imagination doesnt seem like it but is a pretty good source, btw.
Glad it worked for you. But that is as much luck of the draw as it is anything you did.

It doesn't work for everyone.

I also did a lot of reading, watching, talking and I had quite the imagination. I suppose I was probably quite accurate with what I'd like or at least was game to try. But here's where the breakdown occurred... while I thought "yeah, I'd like to try X with my lifetime mate," I also though "no biggie if she's not into that." That's where I was wrong. Decades of same ol' same ol' had me really wanting more. So I was completely wrong in thinking I'd always be okay with the absolute basics. I want to share more with a partner and that is very important to me.

So in the end, my ignorance about myself, based on my lack of experience, has been my undoing, and has been a strain on the marriage.

So what I said is absolutely true--because I was saying it may or may not work depending on the specific couple involved.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,541 Posts
That's not what I was implying at all. What I am saying is that based on your post history here on TAM, my understanding is that you have a very limited sexual experience history. How can you say this or that is a deal breaker when you haven't even gotten a taste of what you may or may not be calling a deal breaker? And this isn't to say that deal breakers are bad but just know what you are calling a deal breaker before you do make those kinds of decisions. You may find out in the long run that they weren't that big of a deal after all.

I'd also like to add that you are fishing in a very, very small pond. The women in that pond have their own set of expectations. You may be shooting yourself in the foot by not relaxing those deal breakers a bit. You might lose the battle but you can win the war.
Sure, I don't know 100%. But I can only make decisions with the knowledge I have. And what I know right now, is that sex and girls are my favorite things, and always have been. So it isn't something I'm going to compromise on going into marriage.

But that does give rise to a question if I may ask? You don't like having semen in your mouth, but was that something had really wanted, previous to trying it? Was the thought of a man ejaculating into your mouth a turn on, was it "meh", or even slightly repulsive?

I compromise anywhere I can, but I don't think marrying someone who thinks oral sex is gross, wrong, or unenjoyable, would be me winning at anything.
 

·
Super Moderator
Joined
·
5,024 Posts
Sure, I don't know 100%. But I can only make decisions with the knowledge I have. And what I know right now, is that sex and girls are my favorite things, and always have been. So it isn't something I'm going to compromise on going into marriage.

I compromise anywhere I can, but I don't think marrying someone who thinks oral sex is gross, wrong, or unenjoyable, would be me winning at anything.
I'm very curious. How will you make sure that the person woman you marry will not think oral sex is gross, wrong, or unenjoyable unless you try it beforehand? Have you considered that she may just not be good at it? If I'm not mistaken, you will not be partaking in sex prior to marriage, correct?

But that does give rise to a question if I may ask? You don't like having semen in your mouth, but was that something had really wanted, previous to trying it? Was the thought of a man ejaculating into your mouth a turn on, was it "meh", or even slightly repulsive?
I had no idea what semen tasted like or it's texture prior to my first experience with it. I found it quite distasteful. I tried it a few more times with my 1st sexual boyfriend and then a couple of times with my husband, it never got better.

I do enjoy giving oral sex under certain conditions. I haven't had any one of my lovers leave me because of my conditions. It could be that it wasn't a fetish for them or it could be that what I was willing to bring to the table was more than enough to make up for what I wasn't willing to bring.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
7,990 Posts
I think some mismatches are fundamental - as unchangeable as sexual orientation. That isn't always the case, but when it is, compromise is almost impossible.


Both are true in some ways. But from my own experience, the sexual mismatched thing is the root, not by itself, but by egotism and cluelessness. I guess every couple is sexually mismatched in one way or another, but both put some effort on their sides so they reach a middle. The problem arises when only one side is doing all the job alone while the other only want his/her fun, not compromising nor caring for the minimal sexual needs of the other half (assuming thry are reasonable, of course). Both need to give and meet in the middle.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
140 Posts
I was actually a virgin and if I waited for my husband, who had at least 5 partners before me (i know its more, but he is prohibited of talking about it), I would have only learned to lay there on my side and look at the wall.

So everything I learned from reading, watching, talking and throught IMAGINATION and applied to my relationship.

So, by my "real life" experience, it ^^^^ isnt true at all.

Ps: imagination doesnt seem like it but is a pretty good source, btw.
Glad it worked for you. But that is as much luck of the draw as it is anything you did.

It doesn't work for everyone.

I also did a lot of reading, watching, talking and I had quite the imagination. I suppose I was probably quite accurate with what I'd like or at least was game to try. But here's where the breakdown occurred... while I thought "yeah, I'd like to try X with my lifetime mate," I also though "no biggie if she's not into that." That's where I was wrong. Decades of same ol' same ol' had me really wanting more. So I was completely wrong in thinking I'd always be okay with the absolute basics. I want to share more with a partner and that is very important to me.

So in the end, my ignorance about myself, based on my lack of experience, has been my undoing, and has been a strain on the marriage.

So what I said is absolutely true--because I was saying it may or may not work depending on the specific couple involved.
True then.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
775 Posts
Glad it worked for you. But that is as much luck of the draw as it is anything you did.

It doesn't work for everyone.

I also did a lot of reading, watching, talking and I had quite the imagination. I suppose I was probably quite accurate with what I'd like or at least was game to try. But here's where the breakdown occurred... while I thought "yeah, I'd like to try X with my lifetime mate," I also though "no biggie if she's not into that." That's where I was wrong. Decades of same ol' same ol' had me really wanting more. So I was completely wrong in thinking I'd always be okay with the absolute basics. I want to share more with a partner and that is very important to me.

So in the end, my ignorance about myself, based on my lack of experience, has been my undoing, and has been a strain on the marriage.

So what I said is absolutely true--because I was saying it may or may not work depending on the specific couple involved.
This is absolutely the case for me as well. Lack of experience (coupled with a good case of low self-esteem) made me more willing to compromise than should have been the case. On the whole, things have turned out fine, but - on this particular issue - I do feel somewhat shortchanged.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,541 Posts
I'm very curious. How will you make sure that the person woman you marry will not think oral sex is gross, wrong, or unenjoyable unless you try it beforehand? Have you considered that she may just not be good at it? If I'm not mistaken, you will not be partaking in sex prior to marriage, correct?

I had no idea what semen tasted like or it's texture prior to my first experience with it. I found it quite distasteful. I tried it a few more times with my 1st sexual boyfriend and then a couple of times with my husband, it never got better.

I do enjoy giving oral sex under certain conditions. I haven't had any one of my lovers leave me because of my conditions. It could be that it wasn't a fetish for them or it could be that what I was willing to bring to the table was more than enough to make up for what I wasn't willing to bring.
I'll talk to her about it. It's not a guarantee, but if she's aroused by the idea, and is eager to try it, then that's all I can ask for. A girl with that outlook would be more likely to enjoy it, than one who reacts with trepidation, or some level of disgust.

But what were your expectations? The first time you did it, you presumably knew what would eventually happen? Did the thought of his semen in your mouth worry you, or arouse you?

Yes, but I recall you mentioning that some men had elected not to pursue a relationship with you, after you explained that you thought their semen was disgusting (I'm teasing :laugh: ). I'd be willing to accept if she didn't want to swallow it, but not letting it in her mouth at all... That really wouldn't be cool. An interruption, or change in the type of stimulation during or right before orgasm is not gratifying.

Aside from the fact that I want her to be a part of my orgasms. How would you feel if your partner got you 99% there, then backed up so he didn't get your orgasm cooties all over him?
 

·
Super Moderator
Joined
·
5,024 Posts
I'll talk to her about it. It's not a guarantee, but if she's aroused by the idea, and is eager to try it, then that's all I can ask for. A girl with that outlook would be more likely to enjoy it, than one who reacts with trepidation, or some level of disgust.

But what were your expectations? The first time you did it, you presumably knew what would eventually happen? Did the thought of his semen in your mouth worry you, or arouse you?

Yes, but I recall you mentioning that some men had elected not to pursue a relationship with you, after you explained that you thought their semen was disgusting (I'm teasing :laugh: ). I'd be willing to accept if she didn't want to swallow it, but not letting it in her mouth at all... That really wouldn't be cool. An interruption, or change in the type of stimulation during or right before orgasm is not gratifying.
I honestly can't recall what I was thinking when it was happening. It was a very long time ago.


Aside from the fact that I want her to be a part of my orgasms. How would you feel if your partner got you 99% there, then backed up so he didn't get your orgasm cooties all over him?
:laugh: That's why I don't make it anyone else's responsibility to bring me to orgasm. If I want one, I get it one way or another. But to specifically answer your question, I have had plenty of partners and that's never happened to me nor have I done it them. Why? Because I've made sure that we understand each other's boundaries and expectations.

My only advice to you is to make sure that you and whomever you're interested in share your boundaries and expectations.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,541 Posts
I honestly can't recall what I was thinking when it was happening. It was a very long time ago.




:laugh: That's why I don't make it anyone else's responsibility to bring me to orgasm. If I want one, I get it one way or another. But to specifically answer your question, I have had plenty of partners and that's never happened to me nor have I done it them. Why? Because I've made sure that we understand each other's boundaries and expectations.

My only advice to you is to make sure that you and whomever you're interested in share your boundaries and expectations.
Alrighty. I would have been curious to know whether your current disposition was a product of your perceptions previous to the experience. Or whether you were excited about it happening, but then did a 180 when you experienced the taste.

That is very wise advice. I love talking about sex, so it tends to happen regardless of whether I intend to "discuss it" or not >:) Though, it doesn't come up when girls are closed off to the subject. Some don't allow conversations to go in that direction, and those are the ones I usually don't pursue. While the ones I go after are typically the ones who throw flirty comments and the occasional innuendo my way.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
7,283 Posts
That is something we should all aspire to. Now--what if "a good sex life" includes oral?
That should be something that people talk about before marriage. If a man said to me that unless I did this, or unless I did that he wouldn't marry me, I would know that he wasn't the man for me. I wouldn't lay down conditions either, nor ever pressure anyone into anything.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
7,283 Posts
Both are true in some ways. But from my own experience, the sexual mismatched thing is the root, not by itself, but by egotism and cluelessness. I guess every couple is sexually mismatched in one way or another, but both put some effort on their sides so they reach a middle. The problem arises when only one side is doing all the job alone while the other only want his/her fun, not compromising nor caring for the minimal sexual needs of the other half (assuming thry are reasonable, of course). Both need to give and meet in the middle.
This is what I have said on this forum many times, that compromise is vital in a marriage and that includes sex.
Also if both go into marriage with the idea that they want to please the other, and not that they are looking to please themselves, things will be very different.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
7,283 Posts
I'm not crazy for bj but I came to the conclusion it would be expected from me (for the amount of it in porn and porn influencing the sexual norm) way before I gave my first bj. BUT I though receiving oral sex was suposed to happen to me too, at least as a "thank you" gift, but it just never happened. I guess that as I was shy about receiving and never asked that became a pattern and as I started to complain was a little too late and hubby wouldnt do no matter what.

The infuriating part was when I asked if he did for other girlfriends and he said yes.
You are a wise young lady, you are right in that porn use has had a massive influence on what people want in their sex lives with real people in real life.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
7,942 Posts
That should be something that people talk about before marriage. If a man said to me that unless I did this, or unless I did that he wouldn't marry me, I would know that he wasn't the man for me. I wouldn't lay down conditions either, nor ever pressure anyone into anything.
Makes sense.

The only problem is that if inexperienced and not really knowing what one is or isn't willing to do, one might say "yeah, I'd like to do that with you" but then after the knot is tied and the knickers come off, one realizes they cant bring themself to do it.

Intentional or not, it becomes a bait and switch. Not good for the union.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
7,283 Posts
Makes sense.

The only problem is that if inexperienced and not really knowing what one is or isn't willing to do, one might say "yeah, I'd like to do that with you" but then after the knot is tied and the knickers come off, one realizes they cant bring themself to do it.

Intentional or not, it becomes a bait and switch. Not good for the union.
Yes I get your point, but I think that most people would have a pretty good idea of what they would be willing to do.
Just to give an example, I would know that if a man wanted to use porn or for us both to watch porn as part of sex, he wouldn't be the man for me.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,160 Posts
What makes you think that a woman who wont do blow jobs is closed sexually? She may well be happy to do all sorts of other things but not that.
Experience.

I remember being with one woman (older than me and divorced) who was unwilling to give or receive oral sex. At the same time she also insisted on having sex with the lights out. While she just lay there "missionary" doing not much at all. All while she was the one who asked me out on a date, paid for it, took me home to her place and initiated the sex.

So to her surprise and disappointment (which I cannot fathom since the sex was so lame), I sensibly dumped her the following day.

Of which I really like the "missionary" position and variations for penetrative sex. Since it affords great mutual intimacy, for face to face stuff like looking at each other, kissing and breast play etc. Plus the position also makes getting a woman to orgasm via PIV sex, pretty easy to achieve as well.

It's one thing not to swallow, and a completely different thing not to do oral sex at all.

Especially since oral sex is such an integral part of human sexuality, being practiced throughout our history, prehistory and by our primate cousins as well.

Onto the other things?

Are you talking about different sex positions for penetrative sex? Since if that's all there is, then boring! Plus different positions, end up being variations of a limited number of things.

On the other hand (pun intended) if its hand jobs, no thanks! If I want a hand job, I can do that myself.

Other than that, what then?

Fisting for her and or him.
Anal sex.
Public sex.
Pegging.
Foot fisting.
Prostate massage.
Golden showers.
Gang bangs.
Group sex.
Erotic spanking.
Erotic lactation.
Dogging.
Bondage.
Double penetration.

Seriously I'm at a loss, as to what those many other things might be.

Since removing oral sex, removes so many options. Of which even with the limited list above, most/all of those things are extremely likely to be off limits with someone who won't do oral sex.

That said I think there's nothing wrong with being more closed or open sexually.

Yet let us not pretend that someone who has a limited range of sexual practices, isn't more closed sexually than someone who has a broad range.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,160 Posts
Being compatible sexually is but one of many important things in a good marriage. Also of course there is compromise. We really don't have to always get what WE want all the time in life. Its also about giving and respecting the person we love.
Of which applying your logic, a wife should then give her husband whatever he wants sexually. Including oral sex to completion (even if she doesn't want to), in order to compromise and to be giving to the husband they love.

If having to have a BJ is so vital, then what happens if your wife gets ill, or is badly disabled say? Will people leave their wives because they are no longer getting their own selfish needs met? Or is marriage far more important than that?
Not being able to fulfil a spouses sexual desires does not always see an end to a marital relationship.

If I was no longer able to meet my wife's sexual desires through illness or injury, my wife already knows that I am fine with her satiating her desires through seeking sex with others.

I am amazed at what I read here. The selfishness and self centeredness that is so apparent. :frown2:
Indeed, withholding blowjobs is such extraordinary selfish behaviour.

How about we go into marriage with what we can do for our partner and not for what WE can get out of it.
If you insist.

So if a man or woman doesn't want to give their partner oral sex. Should they just do it, to ensure they aren't being selfish and self centred?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,160 Posts
You really don't need to have sex before marriage to know what you would and wouldn't want.
Well that may apply to you, yet that certainly isn't a universal given.

If one remains a virgin until marriage, they may have no idea what they will actually like and dislike in practice having never experienced it beforehand. One can discuss such things all they like, yet hypothesising what one is into, is largely meaningless absent actually testing such things through practice.

For example there was a time I thought 69 oral sex might be fun. Yet following plenty of experience in it with a few different women including my wife (being game). Despite enjoying giving oral sex and receiving it. I learned through experience that I don't really like both of them together, so I don't do that anymore.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
18,385 Posts
You are a wise young lady, you are right in that porn use has had a massive influence on what people want in their sex lives with real people in real life.
This might happen, but BJs and going down on girls have been part of even my early sex life in the mid 80s when porn usually meant playboys, penthouse magazines, and the occasional dirty movie somebody's dad had. So I'm kinda not buying that one.

Other things like anal and stuff becoming more prevalent I'd buy porn being a big factor. But not oral.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
140 Posts
The infuriating part was when I asked if he did for other girlfriends and he said yes.
If you settle for less, you are certain to get what you settled for.
I know. I just had this idea of asking way later and tried to nag, complain or whatever, but it didnt work. And separate after me changing my whole life and city
house and kids over oral sex seems pointless. He is aware i think our sex life is boring af, but just wont meet me halfway.
 
141 - 160 of 291 Posts
Top