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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Hi, first of all I am new to all of this! I have been married for 16 yrs now with two beautiful kids. Last Wed my 12 yr old son sent me a copy of some online chatting my husband was doing! It was with some girl we met at a New Yrs eve dance. She asked my husband for a copy of the video he was taking and some of his pics. He said yes and got her info. Apparently, when she messaged him for the pics, he said I cant send to you I need to meet you in person! She said no thanks, and he replyed why am I too old for you?! He is 46yrs old and he said she said she was 19. As it turns out she is 16! ( but does look older) I have had sev. online conversations with her and she feels so bad. She said he has been popping up everytime she goes online!
Since then, I have checked into his other emails and found he has subscribed to online dating! Using different names! It didnt look like any recent chat. He said he has been on these for years and only CHAT never anything more! I cant believe him! We are always together so I dont feel he has cheated on me, but if the young girl has said yes would he of??
My husband will do anything to save the marriage, he has gotten rid of his laptop, and made an appointment with his Dr. I am so confused, I love him and never saw this coming. Do you think he could be helped? I am so scared for my children, as they already know too much as it is! Any advice please!!
 

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In anwser to your thread question -to me yes it is cheating. But everyone is different with how they view things. Does it feel like cheating to you? I'm so sorry you are having to go through this, it sounds like your hubby wants to work things out, and he's taking noticable steps towards this, so I say give him the chance. About your kids, thats a tough one. How old are they?
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
My children are almost 7 and 12. I know he wants to make steps to change but I dont know if I can ever trust him again. I am also worried about the girls age at new Yrs, she was only 16! He said he didnt know this, but she said he did. I dont think she would have any reason to lie to me. I think she honestly felt realy bad about the whole situation. I will never know if he would have met with her! I love my family so much and never saw anything wrong in our marriage before this. Cant believe I was so blind and stupid! Dont you think one a cheat always a cheat?
 

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I like to give people the benifit of the doubt, however from my experience yes they never change....
 

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First thing I would do is stop contacting this girl. Your husband is getting rid of his laptop and seeing his physician; you said he never had the opportunity to cheat sexually. It is time to see about helping hubby recover; continuing to speak to the girl is kind of like ripping a scab off of a wound. It is also time to get your children out of the conversation; this is their father and they have no place, at their young age, in this problem. I would also monitor your son more closely when he is online; a child has no business looking up adult's conversations and printing them out. Make this a private matter between the two of you; talk it over and let your hubby have the chance to make it up to you. One last thing: tell your hubby what happened is in the past, and then don't mention it again.
 

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Sex chat is cheating, yes, and it hurts. I think it's almost worst then just going and having sex with someone because it's emotional online. I have been a similar situation with my husband, before we were married. I felt very betrayed. He changed his email address and got rid of the ID he used with this woman and all of his profiles say that he is married.

He still chats with a lot of different people - men and women. I have to trust that he's not going to cross that boundary again. I know he loves me and I know that he doesn't like to see me hurting.

I think it's something you have to decide for yourself. It sounds like he's doing everything he can to show you that he's serious about your marriage. Sometimes, as people we don't always think through the consequences of what we do. And many people, especially men, don't see online as "cheating". I think more then cheating, it's a betrayal. One that has ended many marriages since the internet age came into being.

I guess that my advice is to figure out how you feel about it. Can you forgive him? Are you willing to work to save the marriage as well? He can't do it on his own. Forgiving is the easy part, the trusting again is the hard part. It takes a lot of time and patience on both sides.

Best wishes to you.
 

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Sex chat is cheating, yes, and it hurts. I think it's almost worst then just going and having sex with someone because it's emotional online. I have been a similar situation with my husband, before we were married. I felt very betrayed. He changed his email address and got rid of the ID he used with this woman and all of his profiles say that he is married.

He still chats with a lot of different people - men and women. I have to trust that he's not going to cross that boundary again. I know he loves me and I know that he doesn't like to see me hurting.

I think it's something you have to decide for yourself. It sounds like he's doing everything he can to show you that he's serious about your marriage. Sometimes, as people we don't always think through the consequences of what we do. And many people, especially men, don't see online as "cheating". I think more then cheating, it's a betrayal. One that has ended many marriages since the internet age came into being.

I guess that my advice is to figure out how you feel about it. Can you forgive him? Are you willing to work to save the marriage as well? He can't do it on his own. Forgiving is the easy part, the trusting again is the hard part. It takes a lot of time and patience on both sides.

Best wishes to you.

Very well said!!!
 

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Cheating depends on the couple. Is porn cheating? How about if it is of the couple involved? How about self stimulation? Is emotional relationships with another cheating, how about chats or blogs? Does reading cheesy sex novels count as porn? What if you wrote the cheesy novels? How about if the couple are swingers? Forums? what if the forums talk about sex or addictions?

These are just a few of the grey areas. Every person and every couple has different beliefs. It is up to the couple to communicate well enough to set boundries of what is acceptable.

draconis
 

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Discussion Starter · #10 ·
Hi all and first I just wanted to thankyou all for your input. Just wanted to clear things up first of all my son wasnt snooping on his pc, my husband goofed big time when he was putting everyones info onto an external harddrive for backup, he has no idea how this ended up on my sons laptop! Believe me my son is watched and checked reg.
I have never considered myself as a prude, I have watched porn with my husband ( more for him than me) , tried new things in the bedroom and maybe even knew in the back of my mind that he might have at one point had sex chat with people in areas far away,Kinda a fantasy thing. But when it hits home is when he tried to make contact with this girl. Not to mention her age! That is not acceptable and I guess I never thought I would have to lay out the ground rules or boundries. I always thought when you marry its just a know fact and wrong. I'm still trying to sort out my feelings and thoughts. I am so confused! I love my children so much and dont want them to suffer. I'm not sure if I can ever trust him again! I dont want another child I want a husband! I feel I will constantly be checking up on him for the rest of my life!
 

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If you stay in a marriage for the children you will be unhappy and they will suffer. The important question is what do you want? If it is your husband then counciling, open living (his part), and communication is needed to get you on track. If you feel you can't deal with it or that you can't trust him find a way for a peaceful divorce.

draconis
 

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Discussion Starter · #12 ·
draconis : AGAIN THANKS FOR YOUR INPUT. I FEEL THAT IS PROBABLY THE RIGHT DECISION AT THIS POINT, BUT ITS STILL A HARD ONE FOR ME. I DO LOVE HIM. THIS HAS BEEN A HUGE BLOW TO ME AND I'M STILL IN SHOCK AND SOMEWHAT DENIAL. I FEEL THAT I HAVE BEEN PLACED INSIDE A BAD DREAM ANDALL I WANT TO DO IS WAKE UP FROM IT.
THANKS AGAIN
 

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Yes, I think chatting about sex is cheating-it's something emotional and intellectually that people are involved with other than the person they are supposed to have these connections with. As far as porn, I know this sounds stupid but I think watching porn on video is not as bad as watching internet porn-please don't ask me why...I can't even begin to explain it other than DVD/VCR porn is something that is 'naughty' to do, but you'll never have a chance to actually meet up with the 'stars' of the show, but with internet porn, oftentimes you can actually 'reach out and touch' them if you have email addresses, chatline ID's, etc.
<sigh> Reading "cheesy" novels isn't cheating. I know I'm biased in that because I do write novels and they do include very intimate scenes...but it's reading, for Pete Sake's!
As far as the situation with your husband, I have to say give him another chance and try to soften your heart because he has said he's learned from his mistake and is trying his best to fight for your marriage...so apparently what he thought was innocent was not and now he realizes it and wants to make things right. But you have to give in since he has given things up.
I hope it works out for the two of you. I know you are hurt, but he's trying to mend your wound.
 

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draconis : AGAIN THANKS FOR YOUR INPUT. I FEEL THAT IS PROBABLY THE RIGHT DECISION AT THIS POINT, BUT ITS STILL A HARD ONE FOR ME. I DO LOVE HIM. THIS HAS BEEN A HUGE BLOW TO ME AND I'M STILL IN SHOCK AND SOMEWHAT DENIAL. I FEEL THAT I HAVE BEEN PLACED INSIDE A BAD DREAM ANDALL I WANT TO DO IS WAKE UP FROM IT.
THANKS AGAIN
I wish you all the best of luck, and I hope you stay with the forums for support and to let us know how things are going (((HUGS)))

draconis
 

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Discussion Starter · #15 ·
My heart is saying to forgive him, but I am worried that in time when he has forgotten all of this , I wont have. I will be worried constantly about where he is and what he is doing.
I honestly do appreciate everything everyone has posted to me, and have thought alot about what has been said. I will continue to post all my decisions and thoughts over the next few weeks. Hopefully when all is over and done with I can help others like you all do. Its funny , I have always considered myself as such a strong person, but at times like this its nice to be able to get help from complete strangers who are there to listen! XOXO
 

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You could be the strongest person in the world and still need someone to lean on...that's why we are here ;-)
 

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My thoughts are with you. It's going to take time for you to decide what is right for you. Don't make any sudden decisions because you are going through an emotional roller coaster right now. Once you have come to terms with what has happened, how you truely feel about it and your husbands actions and effort you will be able to do what you need to do. I'm dealing with something like this and I know that my feelings on the matter have changed almost daily. Good luck to you.
 

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Discussion Starter · #18 ·
My thoughts are with you. It's going to take time for you to decide what is right for you. Don't make any sudden decisions because you are going through an emotional roller coaster right now. Once you have come to terms with what has happened, how you truely feel about it and your husbands actions and effort you will be able to do what you need to do. I'm dealing with something like this and I know that my feelings on the matter have changed almost daily. Good luck to you.
I know what you mean, When I wake up in the morning I feel like I could forgive him and then as the day goes on I hate him for hurting me and cry on and off! It is a true rollar coaster ride! I have hardly talked to him in the last 9 days, as I have asked him to move into our basement until we come to a decision. I know he has made steps towards getting help, but I wonder how this will actually help us? Will I ever trust him again? Will sex be the same? He has made me feel so inadaquate! I did see my MD today and she explained that alot of men in their 40's go threw this and not to take anything personally. She did say that porn and internet chat is becoming one of the biggest relationship problems of the century. But she did think that it is mostly fantasy for men , as they feel sexually inadequate as they get older and want to regress back to their sexual prime. I guess a MID LIFE CRISIS!!! DO all men go threw this??? Anyways lots to learn still and think about!
I did read your initial post and my thoughts are with you too! I guess we both have big decisions to make ahead of us. All the best to you as well! xoxo
 

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I understand that online sex chat can be disturbing and is considered cheating by many people, but I really don't agree, personally. More disturbing to me is what I see mostly in this thread, and most others: a lot of very critical attitudes. People who are going to stay married forever have to be able to forgive each other...people make mistakes...they do things for different motivations and most people can learn from their mistakes and mature both emotionally and spiritually.

Where's the love?

I do disclose two things: I was an online cheater, and my marriage is in a lot of trouble. She doesn't trust me at all now, which is one problem, but then there are the problems that I have with her that also seem to be unresolvable. But, I do believe that if we had been more compatible from the beginning, we could have gotten through this kind of conflict. We've been through just about everything else.
 
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