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I guess I'm taking the path not traveled. She knew friend and brother and you. She picked you. She could have chosen differently. You have good 8 year marriage and kids. Since I do not know the character and integrity of any of you, I lean toward her (and everyone else's) faithfulness.

Do not obsess when she was being honest--working on y'all's communication. If I were cheating, I would not have been so open with you. I'd have been more secretive and have avoided topic.

Good sex can be because she missed YOU. Keep up the good sex. And go next time just to set your wandering mind at ease and to spend time with her--away from the kids.
 

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Everytime she gone out to visit she will come back and we will have awesome intercourse and now that I think back, my mind starts wondering.
These people have you suspecting your wife of cheating. That's the propensity of this board. You already understand that you need to go with your wife when she visits her friend. That's all you need to know. So get off this board and stay away from this thread.

This thread has gotten way out of hand. Someone is even misconstruing and twisting the scenario into accusing your wife of going to visit that guy, when you know she's going to visit her friend. It happens to be that guy lives with his sister. These people will have you thinking all kinds of things.

All you need to know is what I told you, which is that you need to understand your job is to protect your wife and protect your marriage. So go on the trip with her instead of making excuses to stay home.

All the rest of this mess people are telling you is a bunch of bullcrap and has your head spinning out of control. When she returned from the trip in the past and the two of you had awesome sex, couldn't that be simply because she missed you and you missed her? But they have you thinking it had to be because she felt guilty for cheating on you, but that is no way to think.

These people are only exploiting your insecurities. If you listen to them, you will only end up destroying your marriage.

Now go and enjoy your trip with your wife and kids. You have no reason whatsoever to suspect her of doing anything or planning to do anything. This isn't about anything except you understanding that your job job is to protect, your presence represents security, so you belong by her side. It's a measure for you to place protections in your marriage. And that is all. It's not for you to become suspicious of her the way these people are making you do.
 

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So I should let her go physically cheat?
Dan, this guy is what my wife and I call "the one that got away" . She does not want to be with him IRL, yet. She is romanticizing the "what ifs" and it could lead to big trouble. A few drinks after the kids are asleep and he may ask her to go for a walk because it is so nice outside. On the walk he says he always wondered what it would be like to kiss her. Without being rebuffed he might try to kiss her. If rebuffed he may back off and say he'd like to hold her hands as friends and then press again if allowed. Or he might escalate quicker by telling her he once saw down her shirt and has been thinking about her breasts ever since. You get where I am going with this.

I think she shows signs of not trusting herself. She also shows signs of there being a wee bit more than she has disclosed.
My wife has one that got away, too. She was never serious with him, so he never farted in front of her, or fought with her, or forgot her birthday. He's still without flaws in her mind. The difference is he has a common name and she has no idea where he is all these years later, but she looked for him and I caught her.

She knows all your flaws. He has not popped her fantasy man bubble yet, maybe. Due diligence Dan. Don't leave your marriage and family to chance.
 

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I guess I'm taking the path not traveled. She knew friend and brother and you. She picked you. She could have chosen differently. You have good 8 year marriage and kids. Since I do not know the character and integrity of any of you, I lean toward her (and everyone else's) faithfulness.

Do not obsess when she was being honest--working on y'all's communication. If I were cheating, I would not have been so open with you. I'd have been more secretive and have avoided topic.

Good sex can be because she missed YOU. Keep up the good sex. And go next time just to set your wandering mind at ease and to spend time with her--away from the kids.
I'm quoting this post because I agree 100% and it needs to be emphasized.

You said that you and she were working on being more open in your communications. So she was open and honest. And what do you do with that? You are taking what she shared and turning it into something very negative. What she will learn from this is to never, ever share anything with you. If you want your wife to be open and honest with you, you have to make it safe for her to be open and honest.

There are some things you need to take into consideration. 1) I love all the great people who post here on TAM. But most of the people who post here have been cheated on and seem to assume that everyone is cheating. It's just the go-to position around here. 2) People who cheat lie, obfuscate, rug sweep, etc. If your wife were cheating or having thoughts about cheating, it's highly unlikely that she would say anything about it.

You say that you trying to improve your marriage. Here is somethings that would help you do that.

The Policy of Radical Honesty

Then there are the books "Love Busters" and "His Needs, Her Needs". The idea is to read the book "Love Busters" first (both of you). Then the two of your do the work that the book says to do and stop any love busting you two are doing. Then you read the second book together and do the work it says to do, together. The books go in depth about how to implement and use radical honesty to protect your marriage or infidelity.

For example the idea someone suggested that you go with your wife when she visits (spouse guarding) is really good idea in this situation.

The best thing about the books is that if you both do what the books suggest, you will not only protect your marriage from infidelity but will also restructure your relationship into a very passionate one.
 

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Why would she still think of another guy.
Because she is ACTUALLLY thinking of another guy??
Because she has "what ifs" about another guy?
________________________________________

Dan, if she didn't think of another guy, why are you actually here?
Why did you post this thread?
Are you playing with us or you're just fooling yourself?

I dont want to love her whole life dwelling on that. No she goes to visit her bestfriend like twice a year and has always told me to come. Since I can never go she will take someone with her. In the past 5 years she has gone like 6 times if that.
Still I don't get this and you haven't answered. Why is she so preoccupied about him?

I don't know but something doesn't make sense and you're not answering the questions.
 

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I know she wouldn't do anything or has done anything with him while being married to me. Idk if its just the idea of being with him or because she never actually was him the "what if" plays in her mind. Mind you she grew up with both of us and we are all mutual friends. Any advice how I should process this?
You are overthinking things and being a pain in the backside.
Honestly, just what is your real game. What-if games about random previous people out of the blue ALWAYS connect to something else. - so despite how clever and passive aggressive you think you are being, it's simply not going to work with another human being who is thinking entirely unrelated things, and just going to come across as random and annoying.
 

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Her bestfriend moved away and from time to time she will go visit with our kids. I always find a reason to not go. I trust her and I definitely trust him. However we recently had a conversation about him and that came up. I don't know if I'm over thinking it or not.
I think you have now found a reason Not to not go.
 

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Discussion Starter #48
I get everyone's point and I am sure first thing to cross everyone mind is she is cheating. I know for a fact she's hasnt at least not physically. I have not been the best husband and I think we got to point in our marriage where we got comfortable and got lost along the way. We lost the Sense of communication, love, etc. We want to rekindle and get that spark again. Deep thoughts and moments were shared and came to this conclusion. Any professional out there I can reach out to?
 

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Half of married women have a backup guy in mind. I hope that doesn’t mean they don’t love their husbands!

https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.huffpost.com/entry/backup-husband_n_5923700/amp

Also, many wives have TOTGA (the one that got away).

I think it’s good that she’d share her thoughts with you!

It wouldn’t hurt to accompany her on her trips, though.
Ah...
What 'they' have in mind might not be what the backup guy has..in his mind.

It is just wishful dreams.

I am sure some men have this secret admirer (Plan B) in mind.

Most future plans have a way of going sour, soft, south, not necessarily in that order.



KB-
 

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Half of all women have a fall-back partner on call should their current relationship turn sour, it emerged today.

A substantial percentage have kept another man in mind in case they end up single.

And married women are more likely have a Plan B in the background than those who are just in a relationship.

It also emerged the back-up is likely to be an old friend who has always had feelings for the woman in question.

But other candidates are an ex-boyfriend or ex-husband, a colleague - or someone who they have met at the gym.

The survey of 1,000 women also found Plan B is also likely to be someone whom she has known for around seven years, who will be 'ready and waiting' because of 'unfinished business'.

* * *

Around one in four women who have a back-up plan have feelings as strong for him as they do for their other half.

Incredibly, 12 per cent went as far as to admit their feelings were 'stronger' for Plan B, and close to seven in ten admitted they are currently in contact with him.

But despite the secrecy involved in having a close friend or ex to turn to, around half of the women who took part in the poll said their other half was aware of the 'third party'.

Of those, one in five said they were able to joke about it, but one in three said their man was 'uncomfortable' discussing him.

One in four admitted their current partner had met their Plan B, while one in five admitted he was a friend of the man in her life.

The good news for the nation's men is that one in three women said they 'doubted' anything would ever happen with the man in the background.

Around half had a 'never say never' approach, while trouble may lie ahead for one in six who said they were 'seriously considering' rekindling their romance with the man in the shadows.

https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-2769593/amp/HALF-women-fall-partner-standby-fancied-case-current-relationship-turns-sour.html
 

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I get everyone's point and I am sure first thing to cross everyone mind is she is cheating. I know for a fact she's hasnt at least not physically.
Dan, you don't know "for a fact" what your wife may have done while she was away.

You believe she didn't do anything, you hope she didn't do anything, you honestly think she didn't do anything, but at the end of the day, you do NOT know with 100% certainty what she did with this guy. Unless you've been surgically attached to her hip and literally spend every second of every day with her and see every breath she takes, you don't know anything for a 'fact.' That's just the sad truth.

Never, EVER make a foolish statement like that. That's what just about every betrayed spouse said before they found out how very wrong they were.
 
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