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She did tell me that he once asked her why she chose me over him.
What was her answer to him? If it was that you were better marriage material (stable family man type) that could be a negative.

There are certain things that make an affair easier. One is having a previous relationship or knowing the guy well. Another is distance which makes compartmentalization easier.

You probably have nothing to worry about. I’m only saying that the most dangerous situation for a happily married woman to be in is to go to her hometown and see her old boyfriend without her husband. The attention of her boyfriend makes her feel desirable again she’s back where she was young and carefree. Now she feels like a woman and not just an old wife and mother.

So, take your marriage to the next level of communication by accompanying your wife when she goes to visit. You can get a lot of communication in that way.:wink2: Some refer to it as mate guarding. Some think it's just common sense.
This ^^^^^
 

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"Something so innocent should be shared between spouses. It has nothing to do with her feelings for you. If you had reason to believe your"


Yes l agree it is innocent up to the point they are banging away on each other. Pay no attention to some of the now wiser, ones here, after the innocent we're sharing something between spouses
 

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And the dude lives with your wife's best friend . Just imagine how convenient no hotel room needed. Just saying.
 

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Discussion Starter #24
No I agree. I had even asked her about that scenario. She has never gone alone, she always takes the kids and she did tell she isn't that dumb to do something with our children present. I dont think she is cheating, I just think she might think of him in a lustful way since she never was intimate with him. That's where it gets dangerous. Everytime she gone out to visit she will come back and we will have awesome intercourse and now that I think back, my mind starts wondering. I'm a 30 yr old man and I know how it is. I'm 99% sure she hadn't done anything behind my back, however I'm also aware she is human and can make a mistake.
 

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you're focusing on irrelevant information and causing problems in your marriage. Why would you do that?

How do you process it?

Take responsiblity for your thoughts, and find ways to stop ruminating. There are endless resources available.

Set your mind on your present life and what you can control - which is a lot.

How can you be a better man and husband? How can you create a stronger bond with your wife? You have two children who need their father. Focus on that.

It's takes anywhere from a few days to a few weeks to replace the thoughts, but it's totally doable.


any advice how i should process this?
this
 

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Her bestfriend moved away and from time to time she will go visit with our kids. I always find a reason to not go. I trust her and I definitely trust him. However we recently had a conversation about him and that came up. I don't know if I'm over thinking it or not.
Wait a second.... she visits him from time to time???

Why so?

Does he ever come to visit both of you???

Knowing the history, I don't think it's smart to let her go alone without you. Not that she'd do anything but she's sort of disrespecting you. (Given that you already know the story). :|
 

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No I agree. I had even asked her about that scenario. She has never gone alone, she always takes the kids and she did tell she isn't that dumb to do something with our children present.
Then thank God for the kids???
if the kids weren't present, she'd do something???
that's what this statement implies.
Maybe she takes the kids because she doesn't trust herself???? She doesn't trust him either, I guess.


I just think she might think of him in a lustful way since she never was intimate with him. That's where it gets dangerous.
Are you okay with your wife even being lustful for him???

Everytime she gone out to visit she will come back and we will have awesome intercourse and now that I think back, my mind starts wondering. I'm a 30 yr old man and I know how it is. I'm 99% sure she hadn't done anything behind my back, however, I'm also aware she is human and can make a mistake.
Sorry to drop this to you, but for sure you'll have awesome intercourse after she's been over at his place, been turned on by his presence and "discharging" the hotness for him on you. So, I'm afraid it's the fantasies about him that's making you have awesome intercourse, and NOT because she's really into you.
 

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Discussion Starter #29 (Edited by Moderator)
No I agree. I had even asked her about that scenario. She has never gone alone, she always takes the kids and she did tell she isn't that dumb to do something with our children present.
Then thank God for the kids???
if the kids weren't present, she'd do something???
that's what this statement implies.
Maybe she takes the kids because she doesn't trust herself???? She doesn't trust him either, I guess.
I just think she might think of him in a lustful way since she never was intimate with him. That's where it gets dangerous.
Are you okay with your wife even being lustful for him???
Everytime she gone out to visit she will come back and we will have awesome intercourse and now that I think back, my mind starts wondering. I'm a 30 yr old man and I know how it is. I'm 99% sure she hadn't done anything behind my back, however, I'm also aware she is human and can make a mistake.
Sorry to drop this to you, but obviously you have awesome intercourse after she's been over at his place, been turned on by his presence and "discharging" the hotness for him on you. So, I'm afraid it's the fantasies about him that's making you have awesome intercourse, and NOT because she's into you.
He is actually a very good friend to both of us. We all grew up together, so that's why I dont mind her going to visit. I get all the scenarios which now, I am more confused.
 

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I'm also aware she is human and can make a mistake.
She has already made a mistake by visiting without you.

If she has asked to you come along and you have rejected, then I'd say you don't have enough balls to "confront" him. I'm afraid you lack confidence and are afraid to look him in the eye, subconsciously knowing that he already has your wife's heart. It's like you're already accepting the "loss" by avoiding contact with him.
 

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He is actually a very good friend to both of us. We all grew up together, so that's why I dont mind her going to visit. I get all the scenarios which now, I am more confused.
Who cares if you were good friends??
Who cares if you grew up together??


  • At least, your wife doesn't care. She goes to visit him (even without you);
  • She's accepted she'd consider getting back with him;
  • She still got the hots and "what ifs" for him;
  • The thoughts on him make her reveal the "beast" out of her when with you.
Can't you realize that it's all about him?? Where are you in this picture?

From a woman's perspective, I think you've been "sleeping" the whole time.
 

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So I should let her go physically cheat?
duh.

NO! You should not allow her to go visit him without YOU. Actually, she has NO BUSINESS in visiting him at all - if you ask me.

Why does she still care to visit him??? Is she his sister?? No. So? What's the point??

Because she misses him. That's the truth. She'd rather not see him again or you confront the situation MORE seriously to understand how things actually stand.
 

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No I agree. I had even asked her about that scenario. She has never gone alone, she always takes the kids and she did tell she isn't that dumb to do something with our children present. I dont think she is cheating, I just think she might think of him in a lustful way since she never was intimate with him. That's where it gets dangerous. Everytime she gone out to visit she will come back and we will have awesome intercourse and now that I think back, my mind starts wondering. I'm a 30 yr old man and I know how it is. I'm 99% sure she hadn't done anything behind my back, however I'm also aware she is human and can make a mistake.


It really bothers me that it is being implied that the only thing that would stop her were the children being there? It shouldn’t even be a thought.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
 

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Discussion Starter #36
So I should let her go physically cheat?
duh.

NO! You should not allow her to go visit him without YOU. Actually, she has NO BUSINESS in visiting him at all - if you ask me.

Why does she still care to visit him??? Is she his sister?? No. So? What's the point??

Because she misses him. That's the truth. She'd rather not see him again or you confront the situation MORE seriously to understand how things actually stand.
I completely understand. However I want her to be happy. Why would she still think of another guy. I dont want to love her whole life dwelling on that. No she goes to visit her bestfriend like twice a year and has always told me to come. Since I can never go she will take someone with her. In the past 5 years she has gone like 6 times if that.
 

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I completely understand. However I want her to be happy. Why would she still think of another guy. I dont want to love her whole life dwelling on that. No she goes to visit her bestfriend like twice a year and has always told me to come. Since I can never go she will take someone with her. In the past 5 years she has gone like 6 times if that.
You are a nice fellow.
Really nice.

Your good heart will be taken advantage of someday. Maybe that day has already arrived.

You CAN and SHOULD remain nice. You also should always accompany her on her trips.

This will surprise her. When she asks why, tell her.

The hot sex after the visit?
It could be guilt sex. She feels guilty.

She and your male friend may be intimate FWB's,
I have no idea if this is true.

If you will not accompany her then have a PI tail her...bushy tail.
Her bestie girlfriend could be her accomplice. As in watching the kids while those two rub belly's.

The GF would love it if your wife moved back closer to her.
And your wife getting some on the side, {if true} keeps her coming back.
Hell, if she gets caught, divorce may bring her back forever to that town.

I am talking out of my butt.
But, farts still carry a long way, especially those that have a wisp of a possibility to them.

Be vigilant and nice.

Just Sayin'


LMc -
 

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He is actually a very good friend to both of us. We all grew up together, so that's why I dont mind her going to visit. I get all the scenarios which now, I am more confused.

So I should let her go physically cheat?
You don't have to be confused Dan, but read your own title of your post.

If you have to ask, you already know the answer but dread it.
Don't put your head in the sand.

How old are your kids will a happy meal distract them for awhile. That's all the time you need to do a dirty deed.
 

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oldshirt

Lessons as an OM #3 The mind and motives of the OM
OK so there is a preditor out there stalking your sweet and pure wife.
He haunts the local meat-market bar and dance club and he wear sunglasses inside the bar and has gold chains around his neck and his shiny disco shirt is unbuttoned showing his chiseled pecks under his wooly chest hair and he approaches your wife on her one night out to get away from the kids and uses a scripted pick-up line and offers to buy her some exotic drink and ushers her to dance floor to show her his disco moves right????

No. Just no. Don't we all wish it were that easy.

The reality is a lot more insidious and painful.

The OM is more likely to be someone in your social circle. Perhaps even someone you called a friend. It may even be a relative. Read these forums enough and I guarantee you you will read about someone's wife screwing their brother or best friend.

There's even a case here in CWI where the gal screwed her father in law (EEEWWWW!!!)

And affairs in the work place and on the co-ed softball team or running club or community group like the Lions or various PTA groups through the school or the kid's sports teams are universal.

So what makes a man hook up with another man's wife? Again it's combination of nature (we're all just slightly more evolved animals than wolves in the woods) relationship circumstances, his desirability as a man and a lover, his character and boundaries and how sexually assertive/receptive the WW is.

In my case as I said in my intro, I was not unusually handsome or charming or rich or suave? I was not a Playa' or pick up artist.

What I was was flirtatious, sex-positive and probably gave off some kind of vibe that I was DTF for discreet NSA sex. And not only was I DTF but that I would still treat women with dignity and respect and would work to please them and respect them EVEN IF they were cheating on their Hs.

Basically what it boiled down to is I did not have the personal boundaries that told me NOT to hook up with married women and I was game and was willing to make it good for them and be discrete about it.

Instead of promising that I would call the next day and that I would be a good BF or good husband/father and would be with them. I promised the opposite and promised that I would not interfer in their lives and would not try to be their BF and would not try to interject myself into their lives or meet their friends or family etc. I was their side piece because I offered myself up to be their side piece (I didn't use those words of course, but that's basically what it was)

I offered them fun, excitement, attention and orgasms without any strings or commitments on their end. They could come and go as they pleased.

If their H was at work too much that week and they felt neglected - Come you Youngshirt's house for a couple orgasms and some cuddles.

Bad day at work and coworkers pissing you off? Come to Youngshirts house and he'll listen to your gripes while he gives you a footrub and will only want a footjob in return.

Ovulation is kicking in and you're hornier than a billy goat and your H can't get it up? Youngshirt will pin your ankles behind your head and pile-drive you and fill you up to overflow.

Tired and frustrated and bored with raising 3 screaming kids and diapers and dishes piling up in the sink and miss your ****ty days of hooking up at the college-town meat-market?? Put on your lacey underwear, stockings and garter belt under your sweats and go to Youngshirt's house and be that dirty, nasty porno star that you can't be at home.

What should be the scariest thing here is that there wasn't anything special or studly about me. In fact I struggled and had a hard time with single women. Single women wanted things from me that I couldn't provide like being stable and mature and financially well off and most importantly monogamous.

WWs could be their inner ***** with me and I was ok with it.

But here's the thing you need to keep in mind as a husband...…… there are billions of me in the world.

Now some of these guys are going to come on here and say they WOULD NEVER get with a married women. Good on them.

But for every one of those guys, there are probably thousands and thousands who would.

You see for a guy that just wants to get some tail, a married woman is a lot easier and much less hoops and hurdles than a single woman.

Yes, I said it, married women are EASIER. They are easier and they ask much less of a man. All they ask for is attention, acceptance of their sexuality, your discretion and privacy and that you can actually get it up and get them off and then keep your mouth shut about it.

Now they will tell their girlfriends of course but they demand your discretion.

(side note: They will tell their GFs and then it's just a matter of time before their GF is scratching at your door. BTDT, true story)

That guy may be your married neighbor with all the kids (he probably hasn't gotten any since the last kid was conceived) It may be her boss (rank has it's priveledges and women love the boss) It may be her trainer at the gym (he's making her sexy and beautiful again so she attaches him to her new horny hormones) and unfortunately it may even be your best friend or one of your close relatives (people form attachments and feelings with people they are around)

And as I mentioned in the other post, she may be getting hooked up with friends of her friends or even some of her close relatives that don't like you.

Unless she is some kind of groupie or actually working to hook up with a traveling rock star or pro athlete or something, it's rarely going to be one fo those guys.

Its most likely going to be an average joe that is already in her social or work circle that is nothing special and likely is not as successful or stable or even as good looking as you.

What he offers her that you can't is it is ok with him if she is a dirty, nasty, horny $lu++ and he won't judge or condem her for it.

She is dirty and nasty and ****ty with him because he allows her to be and he doesn't care how well she manages the house or takes care of the kids. Doesn't care that keeps her job or brings home a good check. All he cares is that she swallows and has a good enough time that she comes back for more.

Read oldshirt's about being the other man... Dan
 
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