#1: Honestly, my wife is cute. She's not a supermodel, she doesnt exude sex appeal, she's just cute. To me however, I feel like i am married to the hottest woman to ever grace this planet. And I tell her often, but she knows that I am saying that because im her husband and I should be saying that, so the comment kinda rings empty. So I think this random attention that she has gotten really boosts her confidence, because now she knows that its not just the husband that finds her attractive, it's men that she actually finds attractive too that find her attractive, and that must definitely shoot her confidence level way up.
#2: Confidence that she didn't have before, so i know it must be intoxicating for her, and if not well managed, could veer into dangerous territory.
#3: The alarm bell rang when she said that she wanted to kiss other men. Mind you, my tongue was halfway up her hoo-ha with a vibrating toy rubbing against her poop chute and she was rubbing the little man in the boat
#4: at the same time when she said this, but that was alarming enough for me to stop and think, "hold up now, what kind of kissing are we talking about? Fantasy or are you seeing how much slack i will give on the marriage leash?"
#5: Admittedly, I want to kiss other women, and I want to have sex with other women, but our understanding is that i would never act on those impulses.
#6: Im glad my wife is feeling confident and sexy and attractive and all of that. I just wanted to make sure that I shut down the idea of an open marriage with her, and that we had boundary discussions, all thanks to some of the feedback on this forum (HappilyMarried1, oldshirt, etc.). I felt that she was on the road to an open marriage conclusion in her head with the permission of implied messaging via our sex talk and now that she was getting male attention, she was all-in. She knows where I stand now even if she wasnt being up front of where she saw herself headed.
#7: Much of the feedback on here has helped me realize too that I need to work on myself, like eating better and getting in better shape. I want to feel desirable too, and I know that if I present myself in a more desirable state and other women take notice, my wife will get turned on by that just as much as I do knowing that other men desire her.
Lots of info here and a few things I want to comment on specifically.
#1: You're right here, it's just not the same coming from your spouse. You need to be her biggest fan, but no matter how much you appreciate her, it's just not the same and what comes from other men. It's just the nature of the beast, we all want some kind of validation that if our current partner gets eaten by a saber tooth tiger, we will be able to find another.
#2: You hit the nail right on the head 100% on this one. This is where everyone is talking about playing with fire and having the fire truck parked in the driveway. It's ok to feel the warm glow from the campfire of validation..... but it's always a few inches and a wind gust and spark away from setting off a raging wildfire out of control. It's all about the boundaries and expectations of conduct.
#3: this is exactly what I was talking about back on page #1. You need to be having these discussions on boundaries and expectations when you are stone cold sober during the light of the day when there are no horny hormones raging through your veins. There needs to be solid division between what goes on between the sheets of the marital bed between a married couple and what goes on in the real world outside.
Others here may disagree but I think it is beneficial and positive for a couple to engage in a shared fantasy and be able to openly express their fantasies and desires with each other. Not all of those fantasies and desires are going to involve just the two of them. It's simply how we're wired as creatures of the earth.
Many here will say that a couple should smack down those fantasies and suppress them and disallow them from ever being discussed or acknowledged. I think that is detrimental more often than not.
I think it is healthier and more condusive to a marital sex life to acknowledge and even share in those fantasies and desires and get them out on the table and then establish BOUNDARIES and expectations of how those fantasies and desires will be addressed.
You can't make those desires go away by saying you can't discuss them. It's better to acknowledge them and address them and mutually come up with a plan on how to deal with them than to try to deny them.
#4: Realise that you are going to limits and comfort zones on what you are willing to discuss and where you are willing to let your mind go. You are going to have triggers as well. It's ok to have these fantasy talks and if discussing it openly gets your motor running and adding to the excitement, then great. But if something is triggering you and turning you OFF, then that needs to be addressed because it is going counter to what you are trying to accomplish with the fantasy talk in the first place. This is all a journey and not a destination and there will be bumps in the road.
And with establishing clear and firm boundaries, that can even help you feel more comfortable to where you are able to delve deeper into your fantasies and desires and what was uncomfortable for you before, is now a turn on.
#5: What's good for the goose is good for the gander. You're just as human and just as much of a sexual being as she is. You have your fantasies and desires as well. And again it will come back to establishing boundaries and expects on her part as well. When she's all horned up and randy, it may turn her on to picture you laying the lumber to room full of chicks as well....... or it may not. She needs to be an active participant in setting guidelines and boundaries as well.
But as a man, you have fantasies and desires of different women as well. As a couple you can do as many do and try to deny that and suppress it and pretend it isn't there. Or you can be adults working collaboratively as a team and acknowledge those instinctual desires and find a mutually agreeable means of dealing with them.
#6. I think you are starting to see the light here. I think you're getting it. Again this is a journey that never ends. It's a process and once you learn and can apply the process, then you can deal with these things as they arise. I think the key elements are open communication, mutual respect and compassion and the being able to collaboratively come up with expectations and boundaries.
There will be those here that say that that was established with the marital vows of foresaking all others when at your wedding. But the truth is we go through many changes and transitions and evolutions as we go through our lives. The environment and playing fields change and we change as people as time goes on. To me the healthy couple is the couple that can navigate together and make course corrections and deal with the changing conditions as a process.
#7: Again, I think you are starting to catch on. Look, hypergamy is what it is. As a creature of the earth she is going to be drawn to her best available option at any given time. If you want to remain the object of her desire and want her to be connected to you for the long term, you're going to have to be her best available option at all times. The Game never ends. The best way to keep your wife from cheating is to be the man that she would cheat WITH. You be the sexy stud that she would go out into the parking lot with or meet at the No Tell Motel on her way home from work.
It sounds like you already have an active and good sex life. That is good. A lot of the guys that come here because their wife has been hitting the clubs and coming home in the wee hours of the morning haven't had sex themselves in many months on end or even in years. They've turned into beta couch potatoes, gotten fat and lazy and the primal part of their wife's brain has started looking for the next suitable mate that can fight off the saber tooth tiger and bring home the meat (in more ways than one LOL)
Your wife has upped her Girl Game and is starting to be noticed and approached by other men. You're going to have to up YOUR GAME if you want to continue to be her best option.
That may not be a comfortable concept for many people. But it's a reality. She has a vagina so she has options. It's on you to be her best option if you want to remain with her and you want to be the one who's penis she is sucking.