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People are different 🤷‍♀️. I like when women hit on my husband. I like his cool car and that other women want to sleep with him. That turns me on. If he’s that weak willed that some woman hitting on him over his car is going to tempt him to sleep with her or something there are bigger problems at hand.
“Women don’t necessarily want a man that cheats on them. But they love a man that COULD cheat.”

- Rollo Tomassi
 

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I have to say Evinrude58 was dedicated to his marriage in that respect. I just can’t think of any man (or woman) I know in real life who would do that. This is why it’s just hard for me to comprehend. This is shocking to me, actually. So I guess I just know a lot of selfish people then (quite possible).


I do understand the concept of removing yourself from situations where temptation might be present because it’s something I need to practice myself, I just cannot fathom that a car would put somebody in that many tempting situations where you’d be in contact with any of these women long enough for anything to possibly happen. I guess these women were coming on pretty strong and not leaving him alone, hanging on him in bars, showing him their tatas, propositioning him for a bathroom rendezvous, idk.

I guess I still can’t quite get my head around the idea that people feel the need to remove all sorts of temptation from their lives. Certain things are obvious, like having too much to drink and kissing men at bars is definitely a danger zone for the typical person. But those people who feel the need to put up safeguards to avoid most interaction with the opposite sex, a bit extreme to me. I rather become the type of person who can be in all sorts of tempting situations and not bat an eye. Then I’d feel like the strength and power was within me and that I was truly trustworthy and not “trustworthy” simply because I’ve put all of these extreme safeguards in place. Isn’t it a bad sign when you have to remove the smallest interactions with the opposite sex?

What does that say about you if you can’t even trust yourself or your spouse to get a few winks and phone numbers thrown your way because chicks dig the car and not be tempted? I guess this is something that I actually think about frequently, but not specifically regarding a car…this is just a good example.
It’s exactly how many guys become beta/simps.

They take the traits and characteristics and activities that made them attractive and desirable the place (such as cool cars etc)
and the squash them and suppress them for the perceived comfort of their partner.

Then years later when they’re fat on the couch wearing old sweat pants and spending their days playing Mr Mom and dutifully washing the dishes and vacuuming, they can’t understand why their wife hasn’t touched them in a year.

(I’m not saying evenrude is one of those, but it’s stuff like this that is how it happens)
 

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It’s exactly how many guys become beta/simps.

They take the traits and characteristics and activities that made them attractive and desirable the place (such as cool cars etc)
and the squash them and suppress them for the perceived comfort of their partner.

Then years later when they’re fat on the couch wearing old sweat pants and spending their days playing Mr Mom and dutifully washing the dishes and vacuuming, they can’t understand why their wife hasn’t touched them in a year.

(I’m not saying evenrude is one of those, but it’s stuff like this that is how it happens)
I see what you are saying, oldshirt, but I see two different situations here.

There is the situation that you describe of allowing oneself to become less attractive to your partner and giving into actions that will cause your partner to become less attracted to you. There is no way in hell I'm going to allow myself to become fat, lazy and spending my days playing Mr. Mom. My wife deserves a lot better than that.


The second situation is actively removing oneself from temptation. For me personally, I will literally sprint away from women that are getting too close, flirting too much and trying to cause sexual arousal in me. There is no "prize" for successfully fighting temptation, so why fight it? Why not just remove yourself from the equation? The destruction that happens for just one little slip-up is not worth the fight. If I can remove myself from a situation that can go bad in a hurry, then I'm going to do it. If I can remove the woman that is flirting with me so that I can I think more clearly about everything I would lose if I screw up, then I'm going to do it - LET ALONE the horrific pain I could cause my wife if I do mess up. I personally would not be able to live with myself if I cheated on my wife. I couldn't do that to another person. It is very difficult for me to understand the mindset of someone that seemingly has no problem causing so much pain to another human being in that way.
 

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What does that say about you if you can’t even trust yourself or your spouse to get a few winks and phone numbers thrown your way because chicks dig the car and not be tempted?
I have been hit on a few times because of “bling” including both of my sports cars and also watches. I actually felt embarrassed. Both cars are gone.

For me it wasn’t a temptation, I bought those items for myself and I was like hmm…I am representing middle aged gold digger target.

To be fair to the ladies I wasn’t wearing my wedding ring pretty much ever during those years, not sure it would have mattered.

Today a female coworker asked me how I maintain my cool and don’t kill people at work. I told her I used to when I was younger but now I’m too old to care. She said she would have guessed my age was X which is 10 years younger than my actual age. God bless her. That kind of interaction much better than, “I like your watch.”

Edit: I didn’t sell the cars because of unwanted female attention I sold them because of unwanted attention period. Fast and Furious boy racer challenges, driving flashy car in downtown SF (communist central) is unwise especially with the number of crazy homeless people who will throw a brick through your window, and then the general people taking pictures and selfies and stuff with your license plate on it. No thanks.
 

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As long as a bar has karaoke night and bingo night, those things are OK.

Nothing bad ever happens at bingo night.
Evinrude58, I understand where you are coming from. You do what you have to do in order to remove yourself from temptation. Clearly when people think they can take on temptation they often fail as can be seen by multiple members here on this board.
Yes.
Its very wise and sensible to have strong boundaries with the opposite sex.
 

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You sold your car because it was getting you attention from women? You felt you were that weak willed that having a woman hit on you over your car was going to be that much of a temptation that you’d actually pursue something and it’d end your marriage?

People are different 🤷‍♀️. I like when women hit on my husband. I like his cool car and that other women want to sleep with him. That turns me on. If he’s that weak willed that some woman hitting on him over his car is going to tempt him to sleep with her or something there are bigger problems at hand.

Anyway, I agree that the combination of being turned on by the idea of kissing other guys, liking the male attention, and the alcohol could possibly lead to something more. You’re talking to somebody who loves male attention and the feeling it gives me. I also agree that a ton of sudden changes in combination could be a red flag. Has he said that she’s buying lingerie he never sees? Guarding her phone? Had unaccounted for times away from him? I haven’t seen that said but maybe I missed it. For some women, especially when they reach a certain time in their lives, a combination of purely appearance changes doesn’t automatically mean they are looking to open themselves up for business with other men. She’s a wife and mother and has reached a certain time in her life and good for her that she’s lost weight, is feeling sexier, and the waxing may just go along with her efforts to feel hotter, younger, and so on. I think it’s unfair to say any of that automatically means she’s looking to get with other men, even with the fantasies they’ve shared together. Now, there are cases where women do improve their appearances for themselves and/or their spouses initially and as a side effect they gain a lot of confidence, start getting hit on by men that never paid attention to them before, and it all goes to their heads and suddenly they have outgrown their husbands and need something more exciting. I don’t think many married women actually drastically change/improve their appearance with the intention of finding a new man, but sometimes it is a side effect. If you aren’t used to getting that sort of attention before and suddenly you are, I imagine it can be quite intoxicating even without the alcohol involved. Maybe you haven’t felt like a sexual being for a long time and now…
Cici how can you talk about others lo being weak willed when you have both shown clearly that you have few boundaries?
 

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I rather become the type of person who can be in all sorts of tempting situations and not bat an eye.
Remind us again, how that worked out for you? You have been extremely lucky, if one other sperm made it across the mark first, you would most probably be facing single motherhood. For most here it is wise to steer clear of temptation. For those who think they don't have to, it is actually paramount.
 

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I have been hit on a few times because of “bling” including both of my sports cars and also watches. I actually felt embarrassed. Both cars are gone.

For me it wasn’t a temptation, I bought those items for myself and I was like hmm…I am representing middle aged gold digger target.

To be fair to the ladies I wasn’t wearing my wedding ring pretty much ever during those years, not sure it would have mattered.

Today a female coworker asked me how I maintain my cool and don’t kill people at work. I told her I used to when I was younger but now I’m too old to care. She said she would have guessed my age was X which is 10 years younger than my actual age. God bless her. That kind of interaction much better than, “I like your watch.”

Edit: I didn’t sell the cars because of unwanted female attention I sold them because of unwanted attention period. Fast and Furious boy racer challenges, driving flashy car in downtown SF (communist central) is unwise especially with the number of crazy homeless people who will throw a brick through your window, and then the general people taking pictures and selfies and stuff with your license plate on it. No thanks.
Nothing wrong with selling the cars if that’s what you wanted to do. My mind is blown over somebody selling their car because it resulted in too much temptation regarding the opposite sex, that’s all.

My husband doesn’t keep his car because of the attention he gets (honestly, we’ve discovered I get a lot more attention when I drive it than he does when he drives it), but because he loves it and he always dreamed of having that car and it makes him happy. I agree that he enjoys attention/compliments about other things more than comments made about his cool car. He loves to tell me when somebody thought he was in his early 20s or when somebody asks to touch his butt….ok, not even I go up to men and ask to touch their butts, so I do t know who he’s hanging around. But he knows it gets me excited when he tells me these things or when I witness it happen with my own eyes.
 

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Some people value their spouse and their marriage over their cars. Or ego kibbles. Or porn. Or fantasies. Or their own wants. It's called "sacrifice," and it's a part of being an adult. A healthy marriage requires two of those.
 

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My husband doesn’t keep his car because of the attention he gets (honestly, we’ve discovered I get a lot more attention when I drive it than he does when he drives it), but because he loves it and he always dreamed of having that car and it makes him happy.
That’s why I bought my first one, I wanted it since I was a kid. Then the one I had wasn’t exactly what I wanted after driving it for a few years so I sold it and ordered exactly what I wanted.

I really thought I would have that car until I was dead. My wife wanted a really expensive new car and I was like well she sold her sports car, so ok I will sell mine. She thought I was crazy but basically I didn’t need it anymore. Getting it was more fun than having it.
 

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Nothing wrong with selling the cars if that’s what you wanted to do. My mind is blown over somebody selling their car because it resulted in too much temptation regarding the opposite sex, that’s all.

My husband doesn’t keep his car because of the attention he gets (honestly, we’ve discovered I get a lot more attention when I drive it than he does when he drives it), but because he loves it and he always dreamed of having that car and it makes him happy. I agree that he enjoys attention/compliments about other things more than comments made about his cool car. He loves to tell me when somebody thought he was in his early 20s or when somebody asks to touch his butt….ok, not even I go up to men and ask to touch their butts, so I do t know who he’s hanging around. But he knows it gets me excited when he tells me these things or when I witness it happen with my own eyes.
I’m not sure why that quoted me as I did not say that.

I drive a dodge truck and wear. $49.95 Timex LOL

My super power is I am a gray man that disappears in a crowd of 3.
 

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Remind us again, how that worked out for you? You have been extremely lucky, if one other sperm made it across the mark first, you would most probably be facing single motherhood. For most here it is wise to steer clear of temptation. For those who think they don't have to, it is actually paramount.
I am not there yet. I said I’d like to be. I’m working on my own personal boundaries and not necessarily focused on building a fortress around myself. For some people, building a fortress is their boundary and that’s where they are comfortable, ok. I don’t think I will ever be inside a fortress and I know maybe that’s a bad thing but I just don’t see that being realistic for me or for my husband.
I will not have male friends that I associate with alone, talk to privately via text, phone, social media, that sort of thing. I will never give a man my number, no matter if it’s under the guise of “friends,” and so on. These are rules I have for myself now that didn’t exist in my world before.
 

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Nothing wrong with selling the cars if that’s what you wanted to do. My mind is blown over somebody selling their car because it resulted in too much temptation regarding the opposite sex, that’s all.

My husband doesn’t keep his car because of the attention he gets (honestly, we’ve discovered I get a lot more attention when I drive it than he does when he drives it), but because he loves it and he always dreamed of having that car and it makes him happy. I agree that he enjoys attention/compliments about other things more than comments made about his cool car. He loves to tell me when somebody thought he was in his early 20s or when somebody asks to touch his butt….ok, not even I go up to men and ask to touch their butts, so I do t know who he’s hanging around. But he knows it gets me excited when he tells me these things or when I witness it happen with my own eyes.
Come on Cici, you both love attention from the opposite sex, especially you.
Honestly I spend no time at all thinking about what women think of my husband or what men think of me.
It not something that matters to us, we are both secure in ourselves and what we think of each other is what matters.

It must be very draining to need that sort of attention for yourself and for your husband.
 

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Come on Cici, you both love attention from the opposite sex, especially you.
Honestly I spend no time at all thinking about what women think of my husband or what men think of me.
It not something that matters to us, we are both secure in ourselves and what we think of each other is what matters.

It must be very draining to need that sort of attention for yourself and for your husband.
Yes, we both do. However, I can’t remember the last time I actually craved male attention. Then again, I was heavily pregnant. I know it will be a real test once I am back out into the real world again and back in shape. Will my therapy and work on myself be enough? It feels good not being overly concerned with having every guy’s attention when I walk in a room. It is almost like a burden is lifted off of me when I’m not thinking about or craving that. I no longer have any male numbers in my phone other than family and 2 gay guys who are married to each other and are my friends. My husband on the other hand still talks to his female friends.

Admittedly, yes it matters to me if other people want my husband and find him physically attractive. Sigh.

And admittedly, the thing I love most about driving his car is the male attention I get. I haven’t driven it in a while because it was too hard to get into during late pregnancy. Maybe I should take a page out of Evinrude’s book and not drive it when alone ever again. Maybe I’ll try it and see if I can resist the temptation.

And admittedly I have talked way too much in this thread and will respectfully stop at this time so that we can focus on the OP.
 

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I am not there yet. I said I’d like to be. I’m working on my own personal boundaries and not necessarily focused on building a fortress around myself. For some people, building a fortress is their boundary and that’s where they are comfortable, ok. I don’t think I will ever be inside a fortress and I know maybe that’s a bad thing but I just don’t see that being realistic for me or for my husband.
I will not have male friends that I associate with alone, talk to privately via text, phone, social media, that sort of thing. I will never give a man my number, no matter if it’s under the guise of “friends,” and so on. These are rules I have for myself now that didn’t exist in my world before.
Yet you both still want to bring another man in and have sex with him.
It's not about building a fortress of course, you well know that, it's about loving your spouse and marriage enough to want to protect it. You may say you want to stay married but yours and your husband's actions dont say that.
 

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And admittedly I have talked way too much in this thread and will respectfully stop at this time so that we can focus on the OP.
I think your insight and perspective as a female who likes male attention and has crossed the line into infidelity has much value to this topic even though it makes a number of people uncomfortable.

In forums like these we can either offer comforting lies or uncomfortable truths.
 

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You sold your car because it was getting you attention from women? You felt you were that weak willed that having a woman hit on you over your car was going to be that much of a temptation that you’d actually pursue something and it’d end your marriage?

People are different 🤷‍♀️. I like when women hit on my husband. I like his cool car and that other women want to sleep with him. That turns me on. If he’s that weak willed that some woman hitting on him over his car is going to tempt him to sleep with her or something there are bigger problems at hand.

Anyway, I agree that the combination of being turned on by the idea of kissing other guys, liking the male attention, and the alcohol could possibly lead to something more. You’re talking to somebody who loves male attention and the feeling it gives me. I also agree that a ton of sudden changes in combination could be a red flag. Has he said that she’s buying lingerie he never sees? Guarding her phone? Had unaccounted for times away from him? I haven’t seen that said but maybe I missed it. For some women, especially when they reach a certain time in their lives, a combination of purely appearance changes doesn’t automatically mean they are looking to open themselves up for business with other men. She’s a wife and mother and has reached a certain time in her life and good for her that she’s lost weight, is feeling sexier, and the waxing may just go along with her efforts to feel hotter, younger, and so on. I think it’s unfair to say any of that automatically means she’s looking to get with other men, even with the fantasies they’ve shared together. Now, there are cases where women do improve their appearances for themselves and/or their spouses initially and as a side effect they gain a lot of confidence, start getting hit on by men that never paid attention to them before, and it all goes to their heads and suddenly they have outgrown their husbands and need something more exciting. I don’t think many married women actually drastically change/improve their appearance with the intention of finding a new man, but sometimes it is a side effect. If you aren’t used to getting that sort of attention before and suddenly you are, I imagine it can be quite intoxicating even without the alcohol involved. Maybe you haven’t felt like a sexual being for a long time and now…
That is when the husband needs to be paying attention to his wife and recognize positive changes. Then he should be the one that steps up the flirting and desire for his wife. Let her get that thrill from him, even a little can go a long way IMO.
 

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I think your insight and perspective as a female who likes male attention and has crossed the line into infidelity has much value to this topic even though it makes a number of people uncomfortable.

In forums like these we can either offer comforting lies or uncomfortable truths.
I quite agree the biggest opportunity for growth lies in discomfort.

In fact, as a BS, I appreciate a window into the mind of a WS. I will never understand the mind of a WS, b/c like others have said, if two people want their marriage to work, they will do everything in their power to safeguard it, maybe they don't understand or value the concept of loyalty.

Burnt, I ended up divorcing my WS, b/c I recognized that he was a weak, selfish man. He wasn't sure of himself, he needed other people's good opinions of him to feel good about himself. He was jealous of my "perfect" family (they aren't!) and apparently resented me for being what he thought he wasn't. He didn't understand marriage wasn't a competition, but a team effort.

It's great you both talked about what you can do going forward, but don't get complacent. Talk is cheap, keep your eyes and ears open and measure her actions. It might be a matter of time if she values other men's attention more than yours. You need to ask her why she values external validation so much, that's the sign of a weak, broken person and can't go unaddressed.

I've never understood why people value the attention of outsiders, they're strangers you pass in the streets. They're not invested in you or supporting you in any way.
 
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