[HappilyMarried1]

Welcome to TAM @BurntEnds I think based on your OP you know deep down where this is heading. I agree with what @Diana7 said in post #3 that this should not be going on and that the kiss I agree with her has already happened and she was just feeling you out. I hope that is all that has happened, but I am afraid that maybe more has happened. I hope I am wrong here is what I think based on what you have said she told you. She has progressed to dancing and drinks with a guy and then they sit together and kiss as she said open mouth and he gets a little handsy and she really likes it but she stops it before it goes any further. That's why she is coming home and jumping your bones, she is as others said feeling you out to how you feel about things and she is considering going further.

If she starts going out more often and not wanting to jump your bones when she comes in then you really need to worry. A couple of questions then a suggestion for you. These girlfriends she goes out with are they married? Is one a designated driver? Has the frequency of these GNO becoming more often or staying out longer. Do you all share each others cell phones or if she has started keeping her phone with her more using it more that could already be a red flag. Now for a few suggestions one if the phone thing is as I said above I would suggest checking it or your bill to see if their are any numbers you do not know. Next, if where they go is a large and crowed bar/club hire a sitter and after about 30 minutes to an hour go into to the club lay low and observe for yourself if spotted you could always say you were fulfilling a little of your own fantasy. I personally don't recommend the following to the club(just a suggestion).

Finally, here is what I would actually do if I was in your shoes. I would sit her down after kids are asleep and say after your discussion about feelings of real/fantasy you think this is not good. First I would ask her point blank if she has already kissed another guy (on the lips) more than once or more than one guy? I would think after being together for 15+ years you would know if she is telling you the truth. Then I would say that giving this more thought (even if she says she has not kissed or done anything with anyone and you believe her) this is not a good thing for your marriage and your family. That it was your understanding that on these GNO she was just going out with her girlfriends and having some drinks, them dancing together, and doing some karaoke. It now seems to be progressing to areas you are not comfortable with for you or your marriage. I would use the example of how she came home two weeks ago and say what if you get a more drunk than then and a good looking guy comes onto you hard. I would say that you are a guy and a guy in a bar/club who you let buy you drinks and dance with and even kiss is going to want and expect more than that. I would also say is the reason you ask me about how I felt about how far flirting should be allowed to go and what I thought was it because you a) want to do things with other men b) already have done some things with guys and due to you feeling guilty wanted to see how I felt about things or wanted to try and tell me a little of what has happened to see how I would react. You seriously need to sit her down before she plans another one and get this out or I am afraid you will be on here in a few months telling us she had a ONS with a guy from a bar she had to much to drink and was flirting and things just went to far and you will be crushed so you need to put a stop to this now. Let her know how you feel and if she really loves and cares about your marriage and family she will understand and agree. If she does not agree and tries to gaslight you and say you are being controlling and jealous then she probably has already been involved and wants to continue. I would as kind of a compromise suggest that you can hire a sitter and go to a club just you two and share it together. Best of luck! Please don't be a one post and done let us know how things are going. It really sounds like you have a good marriage and family, but I really feel you need to step up here be firm and tell her how you feel and get this stopped before it goes to far, because trust me it will continue to progress if you allow it.

 

[HappilyMarried1]

I wish that was the case but it's my real life failure to maintain a once promising healthy marriage

Hopefully it is not to late but if you don't put your foot down before the next GNO it maybe.

 

[HappilyMarried1]

2 Married women, one in her 40s and one in her 20s

That kind of surprises me I would have throught they were single. One other question does you wife work outside of the home or is she a SAHM? Do you know these women very well? Do they flirt or could either or both have a open marriage or their husband travel for work and are gone a lot, or has your wife mentioned anything about them having an affair or how they act when they are out together.

 

[HappilyMarried1]

Thanks for the additional information @BurntEnds . I will admit it does not seem as bad as first thought after you providing more info and answering some questions. However, I still say you need to sit her down as soon as possible and let her know after giving your discussion some more thought that you are not comfortable how this is progressing and you really are not comfortable with anything other than your wife going out with her friends for some drinks and talks but nothing else. I still would ask if she has done anything that she hinted out the night you guys were being intimate.

 

[HappilyMarried1]

The two and my wife are all teachers.

That's interesting my wife of 34+ years and I are both retired teachers. Teachers can tend to go out and let their hair down both men and women teachers especially in the past couple of years.

 

[HappilyMarried1]

One other question for you @BurntEnds are you and the 40 something teacher friend husband friends? If so in a casual conversation you could ask him what does his wife say about their GNO?

 

[HappilyMarried1]

I agree, my wife has always been into nerdy, quiet types like myself. She doesn't go for that "toxic masculinity" stereotype

I know you told me in answering my comments and questions you said you were going to have a serious talk with your wife last night I was just curious to how that went and if you either got these GNO stopped, or you and her go out together or you got some firm boundaries agreed on by both of you.

 

[HappilyMarried1]

Thanks for sharing your important talk with your wife last night @BurntEnds I think you did the right thing and made a good start. I hope you read the post above from @Robert22205 he made some very good points and raised some excellent questions that need to be verified I think as well.

One question I have after rereading your OP and the post of your talk last night. In your OP you said that she told you she really wanted to kiss other men. Did you ask her why she said that and also like one of the posters ask when she told/showed you she had kissed a guy on the check just curious did you follow up and ask her if it was only one kiss with the one guy or had she kissed other guys the same way. Also did you ask her what the guy did after she kissed him? To me that would be something I would want to know myself. Lastly, did you suggest about you two going out to a club/brew house together just the two of you.

 

[HappilyMarried1]

No I meant take the nice young lady back to the bathroom stall.

Or in the dark corner of the club, or in his car. The OP @BurntEnds sounds like a good guy and his spouse seems like a good lady as well I hope she isn't trying to keep up with her young 20 something girlfriend or mid-life crises and things go to far one night and she crosses that line without really meaning to. I just think letting it continue is asking for trouble, but its his marriage and many have given some great advice. I just hope for the best.

To be honest I should have said it in my reply to his post but really with what he told her about how he felt about some of the stuff she had progress to I would have hoped that his wife would have said after hearing how her GNO and what she had started doing was bothering him that she would have said listen I see the effect my actions are having on you I will no longer go to clubs with my friends and won't flirt with guys or allow them to buy me drinks out of my love for you and respect for our marriage and family.

 

[HappilyMarried1]

Thanks for the kind words @BurntEnds i truly hope it helps the new info you provided is even better. I would still advise to read the post by Robert he raises some good questions that need to be discussed. I still think you are having an undo stress on your marriage. My point meaning if on these GNO she is flirting and dancing with different guys (which I hope is the case and not the same one) she had told you how she gets all worked up and come home and jump your bones. If you and her allow this to continue eventually there could be a perfect storm meaning a good looking alpha type guy a little too much to drink and he is a pro and says and does all the right thing and he takes a kiss on the check and returns with a kiss on the lips and one thing leads to another and something happens. When it does I truly believe she will feel awful afterwards very guilty and will call you crying or come home crying telling you how sorry she is that it just happened, she felt as though she wasn’t in her body etc truth is that is true but it won’t change what it will do to your marriage.

One last thing I think you need to talk about let her know you are fine with her going out with her girlfriends and having a good time but the dancing and flirting and especially the drink buying is very dangerous I don’t think you all realize how easy a guy could put a date rape drug in that bought drink and what could happen from that. Here is a suggestion if you guys still are both into this flirting and dancing thing do it together go out with each other or even go out together and go in separately and then have a little innocent fun (I don’t think this is good) myself) but for some this works and nothing dangerous or bad could happen. I hope this helps you need to continue to open up and talk but you really need to let her know the dangers of where this could lead. If this continues a man is going to expect more than a dance or a peck on the cheek. Best of luck! Keeps us updated.

 

[HappilyMarried1]

Shes at a crossroads in life with motherhood. She's had unhealthy subconscious reinforcement from me that I might be open for an open marriage. Couple all this with being out on the town with her gal pals with booze in the mix can certainly lead to disaster. I think that's why our boundary conversation was crucial, and she knows my honest feelings about our dirty talk and how we have to cut it off. I agree that we are probably still playing with fire, and by no means do I feel like I am out of the woods, but i do feel that at least in a sober state, we are on the same page. I feel like I at least have a water hose handy instead of being empty handed.

Thanks for sharing @BurntEnds as I have said you of course no your spouse better than any of us on here. With the above part of your post given with also further up in the post about hot people you guys see and think about. My only point about this whole situation with you and your wife about these GNO and what you told us about how she feels while out on them and what she told you about her interactions with other men already. The point is if these GNO continue as they have been there will be a guy that will want and try more than she has had happen so far and with alcohol involved and her inexperience in such situations and her self-esteem issues and a hot guy comes onto her and I'm afraid if this continues it will eventually happen when she least expects it. I just think you guys seem to be good people with a good marriage and I just would hate to see something happen in this type of situation that can easily be avoided happen. Trust me I hope it never happens, but situations like this happen more often than not. It's like a person trying to avoid sweets and going to a chocolate factory every couple of weeks. Best of luck!

 

[HappilyMarried1]

Try not to get to upset @BurntEnds most on here are just trying to give you helpful information and signs to watch out for. If this is the club or bar she always goes to is different but in your other post it seemed to be more of a bar or nightclub. If this place she’s going to tomorrow night is the same one they always go to I understand this last post my suggestions of what might happen if she continues going to a bra nightclub dance club scene.

 

[HappilyMarried1]

My wife goes out with her girlfriends every now and then, maybe twice a month and usually to a karaoke bar or a brewhouse.

This was the sentence I was basing some of my thoughts of what could happen to your wife.

She's playing music bingo at a *** bar with her teacher friends, most of which are older, fatter and married.

playing bingo at a hick bar in the sticks and normally gets home like at 11 or 12.

See these messages is a totally different description of where she is going compared to your first post. I agree it is a little less likely but I still say if it continues there is a lot higher chance something bad could happen rather than nothing at all. Just be careful. There still could be some younger mid-late 20's like what he sees in your wife and push all of the right buttons and add alcohol and something totally unplanned happens.

 

[HappilyMarried1]

Not gonna lie, I was actually a drummer for a long time in my youth

There you go now you can tell your wife that you play the drums and look what she does with you.

 

[HappilyMarried1]

It really is "teachers winding down" from a long week of dealing with stressful elementary school kids. The key here is alcohol intake mixed with our history of dirty talk.

I totally understand that my wife of 34 years are both retired teachers. Just be careful and I’m glad you got your feelings and boundaries stated before it went to far to do anything about. I still suggest to keep your guard and senses up.

 

[HappilyMarried1]

Does she act without thinking of the possible repercussions or consequences of her actions?
Never. She is always looking at the domino effect of her actions. She is a meticulous planner and schedules every little event that she has coming up.

Does she lack respect, esteem and compasison for you?
Definitely not. If she says something that might cause offence, she is apologetic. She is encouraging when I shed a few pounds myself. I could go on and on.

I am sorry but I may need some clarification here based on how you answered these two questions. I would think if your answers here is correct then I don't see how she would go out and let men buy her drinks, dance with them, and kiss them. If how you answered these questions was correct she would have politely declined the drinks and dances and would have had no need to kiss a guy for those and would have come home and said the following: "Honey I had some men ask me to dance and to buy me some dirnks, but I turned them down" Then she would have said I felt flattered and nothing else would you be okay with this and nothing else the next time I go out and it happens again. I did not want to do anything or cross any lines, do something you are not comfortable with until I discussed it with you. Just my opinion.

 

[HappilyMarried1]

but that I'm totally not open with her actually getting her brains banged out at another man's place.

I know you are not okay with that but she now I hope you made clear that you are not ok with her kissing another guy in any form or fashion or grinding on some guy either.

Hey by the way @BurntEnds I think you mentioned a few days ago that she was going out with the girls last night. If so how did that go?

 

[HappilyMarried1]

Sounds good @BurntEnds have a good time tonight. Here is a suggestion after the movie why don’t you suggest on the way home to stop by the bar for a couple of drinks before heading home just to mix things up a little. Have fun! My wife and I want to see that movie as well.

 

[HappilyMarried1]

Sounds good maybe hit the bar for a drink before movie @BurntEnds or maybe sit in the back row at the theater and have a little fun me and wife have been know to do that before and we’ve been married for over 34 years. 🤨

 

[HappilyMarried1]

Any update @BurntEnds on how things are going for you and the wife?