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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Is my wife cheating, or am I paranoid?

I am have been married almost 15 years and never had any kind of problems to speak of. I must also add, I am a very jealous and paranoid person to start. Not with just my wife but everything, my job etc. We get along great; she is my best friend as well as partner. We have the typical arguments, which every couple has. We have normal family backgrounds. She had great parents and siblings as well as I do.

About 6 months ago, I felt she was distant. We did not seem to have the in depth conversations we did in the past. We still had great sex, so nothing changed in that respect.

A few months later, she asked me how to delete text messages off her cell phone. She had a bunch she did not recognize. She admits she is electronically challenged and does not like cell phones. A week or so later, she said she was getting ready for a meeting at work and got very dressed up and looked very nice. I asked her about this and she said it was all women at the meeting and women look good for women. I tried to reach her numerous times on the phone to no avail. She said she could not answer during the conference, which I understand.

The next day she left the house and I wanted to talk but it was not the right time, the kids were getting on the bus. She was on the way to the conference again. I called as soon as she got in the car and I could not reach her. She has an hour drive and I called at least a dozen times to no avail. Finally before she got out of the car, she called back and said the phone was charging. I sent her an E-mail at work and said we needed to talk when she got home.

I was growing suspicious at this point and when she got home I asked some very general questions and she had an reasonable explanation for everything. However, I checked her cell phone and noticed none of my 12 calls were on there. When I asked about this she said, she always deletes the missed calls every day. Well, I called shortly before she got home, it was missed, which meant she deleted right before she got home.

This led into a big argument and I got more suspicious. I went through her phone and took down every number. One that bothered me was her doctor. I mean it’s not like you need to call your Doctor every day. I asked about the doctor number in the phone and she said she needed to keep it handy because the kids see that doctor as well. That Saturday, I went through all the old cell phone bills and started asking questions.


I had to take a short biz trip out of town last month. I invited her to come along, as we would be back before dinner. I noticed in the cell phone bills that she called the doctors office that morning. I back tracked my timeline and found, we were in the car for over 2 hours and she did not call. Yet when I got out of the car to go into a meeting, she called almost instantly. She said she did not want to waste my time being on the phone and it made more sense to call when I was out of the car to schedule my son’s appointment.

I asked if the doctor’s office typically calls our home line or her cell number. She said home, yet I found where the number called her cell? I asked when the doctors office opens; she said 8:00, yet I found numerous calls in the AM before it opens from her cell after she got into the car. She claims she does not like to use cell phone.

After all of this, I started looking on-line for cheating signs, patterns etc. I noticed that on the top 10 signs, she probably exhibited 7-8 of them. However, I may be reading too much into it.

Also, I recently found a bunch of receipts from shopping when I thought she was at work. She has a reasonable explanation for anything I ask about, which makes me feel like I am crazy sometimes. She assures me that I am making this all up in my head, which I often do. I get carried away with things sometimes and make way too much out of them. She also tells me she loves me, we are married for better or for worse and that she is only mine forever.

Lately, I have shown more affection towards her. I have said I love you more often, bought cards and flowers. As a result of all this, she now says I am smothering her and it’s “out of character” for me. Also, she has said, “she does not need to justify her time to anyone as she is an adult.” That comment bothered me. I cannot seem to resolve this in my own mind. The bottom line is, I know she would never do such a thing. It’s just the little things that bother me. The reason I say I am fairly convinced she could NOT being doing this is, she is rarely away from home, other than work. She leaves for work, has an hour drive. She gets a ½ lunch, that’s it and she comes home. However, I have found inconsistencies in receipts for purchases during working hours in the last few months.

We have agreed to see a counselor. She is going on my behalf and said this is a problem that is entirely in “my head” but she will support me and talk with someone. Am I crazy or should I be concerned?
 

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Well, having found out that my wife was having an emotional affair with a coworker about a week ago, I am a little biased. I didn't think my wife would ever do something like that to me, and she has sworn in the past that she never would. Oops.

At any rate, if she is yours now and forever, then she should be able to understand that you are uncomfortable with her recent behavior and be willing to take the time to ease your concerns. She certainly seems to be hiding something. Just try to make sure that you aren't too accusatory, because then she might clam up.

Remind her that honesty and communication are two of the most important things in a successful longterm relationship. Tell her that you love her very much and that you would really appreciate her opening up to you.

Good luck.
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
Well I feel like a real ass. We had a long conversation last night.
I think I am paranoid and that is clouding my judgment. Some of the days the she was not at work, she was taking the kids to the doctor, or they were off school.

How do I let go of this feeling of being paranoid???
 

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Therapy. I am signing up for counseling today to help me get past my wife's infidelity and how it has shaken my trust in not only her, but other people. I also need help moving on, but that is not where you are. Good luck.
 

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Well I feel like a real ass. We had a long conversation last night.
I think I am paranoid and that is clouding my judgment. Some of the days the she was not at work, she was taking the kids to the doctor, or they were off school.

How do I let go of this feeling of being paranoid???
You two need to start making time for yourselves again...It sounds like you two have lost some passion somewhere along the way. And when you finally see that and the other person hasn't all kinds of things are going to run through your head...

talk to her, let her know you miss her..And she likewise to you. The honeymoon phase does NOT have to end contrary to popular belief..:)
 

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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
I plan to talk w/ somebody soon. I need to as this is chewing at me 24-7. I think she is being very accomodating considering what I accused her of.
 

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what you just described is something like my relationship. it is in your head. when you constantly badger someone that can make a person nervous which in turn makes them look suspicious. sounds to me you need the counseling or you can drive a person away. not physically sometimes but emotionally. your actions speak louder than your words i love u very much honey i just dont trust you as far as i can throw u so to speak. lay off it's very draining to constantly reassure someone. please dont take offence at me being so blunt. from one heart to another. trust her unless she shows otherwise
 

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You need to relax man.. I know, easier said than done.. but serioulsy you will drive her away with the things you are doing. If I found out my wife was going through my cell phone and interogating me all the time I would flip. After 15 years of marriage you need to trust your wife.

You are doing the right thing seeking conseling and admitting your feelings.
 

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I see nothing wrong w/checking up, but don't make it so obvious. YOur ok sempron, don't worry. Just make sure you meet all her needs, emotional.

I am similar to you. I've talked alot w/my wife about my insecurities. When you look at us as a pair you will ask, "why is she with him?" She is pretty, I'm a little rough. We've been married for 14 yrs and she has been w/much better look'n guys than me. We "fit" together nicely, as I'm sure you and your wife do.

Keep in mind that she loves you, has kids w/you and married you. (I'm learning this too, btw)

Another thing, when you meet a married woman do you "go after" her? even if you were single? Most guys don't do that, only the scum, even single guys won't, I know I wouldn't.

Relax man, everything is ok. Keep tabs on her, but very loose tabs. If your too obsessive you'll drive her away.

good luck
 

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Discussion Starter · #10 ·
Thanks for all the positive comments. We have talked a lot more in the last week than in the last few months. I think life and our jobs may have us in a rut where I perceive things that do not exist, not to mention my overall paranoia about everything.

Taking some advice, I had us write down the Top 10 things we love about each other. We wrote these down and exchanged them to read. It was amazing. We said basically the 10 same things about each other. As much as we love each other, I did not expect almost all 10 to be exactly the same.

I guess that show we are very compatable.
 

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I just saw your post and I am glad it's all worked out. There will be more "suspicions" in the future, just promise her you will be up front with her so she can put your mind at ease....don't chase her away.
 

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it's normal to have such sense of 'not really knowing' and have it eat at you everyday....I am guilty of letting things loom longer than advisable.

My only suggestion is to sit and really talk everything through.... it does not pay to guess at what's going on... so why not get the truth?

Be calm and discuss it rationally. emotions are big killers to relationships.... find out first what is what before jumping into conclusions... best of luck!
 
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