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We're in our early 50s. She has 2 sons from her first marriage and I have a daughter from a previous relationship. We have no kids together. Let me give you some background. The stories I could tell about us could fill volumes. All the kids moved out a few years ago and got an apartment together. All range in age from 24 - 26. Since then all the kids have moved on to other apartments themselves. My wife's sons aren't what you call it, the most productive boys on the earth. They are taking after their dad. Smoking weed, getting high, drinking a lot. The oldest has two kids by two different women he doesn't support and the youngest likes to smoke and get high all the time. I got full custody of my daughter when she was around 2 years old and it's been me and her ever since. Let me say this, my daughter isn't perfect nor is she a saint. She's made her fair share of mistakes. She now has an apartment with another girl now.

Last year she surprised me with the news that she is pregnant with my first biological grandchild. She is due any day now. A few months ago we were out to dinner with my sister-in-law, my wife's sister, and she was on one end of the table talking to the daughter of my sister who had recently had a baby. We overheard her say that she wanted to come move back home with us the last few weeks of her pregnancy because she didn't trust her roommate to drive her to the hospital. She also wants to stay with us a few days or maybe a week after the baby is born because she's a little nervous being around a newborn. She wants us to help her get use to being a mom. The baby daddy is several states away visiting his family right now. I did not have a problem with that being my daughter but my wife seems to have some reservations about it. Reason being her oldest son, who is a convicted felon and can't keep a job longer than a week or two wanted to come move back home with us because he had no where to go and I said no because of his history and background. He and his mother are always fussing and arguing because they but heads too much. Well, my wife and I discussed my daughter moving back home the last couple of weeks of her pregnancy and she seemed okay with it. We took one of the spare bedrooms and turned it into the nursery for her and the baby while they were here. We bought a crib, car seat, stroller, etc, everything we'll need for the baby. We also decided that since we get the oldest son's oldest daughter every other weekend we would make that a bedroom for her and the new baby. Here's where the the series of problems begin.

In that room was an old dresser the boys use to use and since they have been gone my wife has started putting her overflow clothes in it. It has 4 drawers and she's using 3 of them. One drawer already has clothes in it for our 4 year old granddaughter. It's packed full, literally overflowing. In cleaning up the room my wife cleared the entire top shelf in the closet so I suggested to her to put her clothes in the closet as to free up the entire dresser for the girls. She refuses saying that's an inconvenience to her. I never asked her to throw anything away, I just suggested she put them in the closet. Again, these are clothes she hardly wears anymore. So she expects us to cram two little girl's clothes into one drawer while she keeps the other 3 for herself. That was her first "inconvenience." Here's the second one. My daughter, again down to her last 2 weeks or so of this pregnancy, moved back home with us this weekend. We put an old smart TV in that room but it hasn't really worked well so we bought a new one for ourselves. The Netflix on it is very spotty. Yesterday my wife and I were hanging again with her sister so when we got home my daughter was in our living room watching Netflix on the larger, much better, smart TV. Granted, my wife and I normally watch tv in that room until time to go to bed so we went on the our bedroom, which again, has a new smart TV to replace the one we put in the other room. My wife again made the comment that this was an inconvenience to her to have to watch TV in our bedroom. The same shows on the DVR in our living room are the same shows on the DVR in the bedroom.

This morning my wife took a shower and my daughter was sleep in her room with the door shut. Normally my wife showers and then goes to dress in the living room but this morning she decided to dress in the bedroom. Again mentioning how much of an inconvenience this is to her. My wife is a creature of habit. She hates for anything to change. Once something is set she always wants it that way. She doesn't just go with the flow. Why is everything now so much of an inconvenience to her or is she just mad that I wouldn't allow her son to move back in with us but my daughter is now here? Again, my daughter has her own place and this is just a temporary thing to get her use to being a mom, and also so I can drive her to the hospital when she goes into labor. She will be going back home. How do I get my wife to understand that not everything is an inconvenience? One would think that as a mother she would want to show my daughter the ropes. Even after the baby is born she is only wanting to give my daughter 2 or 3 days here then she says she's gotta go back to her apt. Ladies, is this wrong? Where's the motherly instinct wanting to kick in here? Her oldest son has another baby by a girl whom we haven't seen since Christmas of 2019 because she said she doesn't know us thta well. We've reached out to her numerous times asking her to bring the baby over for a visit and she refuses. And neither will she allow us to come to her place. Yes, she lives in our same city. Given that you can't see one of your grandchildren I would think my wife would want to do everything in her power to be a constant presence in the new baby's life instead of wanting to kick them out 2 or 3 days after she gives birth.
 

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How have your wife and daughter gotten along in the past? Is your daughter respectful to your wife? And vice versa?
 

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It’s not her daughter. It’s yours. Some people have no room in their heart for other people’s kids. Your wife is one of them.

The word your wife has used multiple times is how she feels about your daughter— she is an inconvenience. It’s not the drawer space and living room tv— your daughter is the inconvenience.

She has zero desire to help your daughter.

So you’re just going to have to accept that your wife has zero feelings for your daughter and her baby and they will be nothing but inconveniences to your wife.

I know. It sucks. But that’s the truth.
 

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Seems to me that having your pregnant daughter with an impending newborn in the house is a pretty freaking big inconvenience that's she's agreed to.

Are you sure you want to argue over things like dresser drawers and Netflix?
 

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If it's the act of emptying the drawers that's the inconvenience I'd just not make a fuss .and do it for her. 10 minutes and done. If it's having the clothes somewhere else that's inconvenient just go grab one of those sets of cheap plastic drawers as a temporary fix for the kids clothes. No fuss, problem solved. If you don't watch tv in the bedroom just temporarily move that tv to the other bedroom for you're daughter and continue to use the one in the living room. No fuss, problem solved. Part of it is probably not liking change and i can imagine it probably hurts her some to see your daughter doing well while her boys are making poorer choices. Stay positive and upbeat, continue to support your daughter and deal with each inconvenience in the least fussy .and most nonchalant way you can. Just make a firm date when you're daughter will be leaving to go back to her home. And congrats on your upcoming blessing!
 

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Reason being her oldest son, who is a convicted felon and can't keep a job longer than a week or two wanted to come move back home with us because he had no where to go and I said no because of his history and background. He and his mother are always fussing and arguing because they but heads too much.

Well, my wife and I discussed my daughter moving back home the last couple of weeks of her pregnancy and she seemed okay with it. We took one of the spare bedrooms and turned it into the nursery for her and the baby while they were here. We bought a crib, car seat, stroller, etc, everything we'll need for the baby. We also decided that since we get the oldest son's oldest daughter every other weekend we would make that a bedroom for her and the new baby. Here's where the the series of problems begin. ...
When you said no to her son, did she seem to really want to let him come back home herself?
When she agreed your daughter could come, did she seem enthusiastic or reluctant?

Having been a step parent, here's what I imagine is going on in her head:

Her brain probably knows you were right about her son, but her heart wanted to try to help him and wished you wanted to also, even though she logically understands your reasons were valid. She did the right thing, but inside she was a little hurt and disappointed.

Now your daughter could use an assist and what kind of monster would say no?! So she agrees. She even helps you get the room (mostly) ready. She may or may not be excited about your daughter and the grandbaby, she probably is torn between excited and jealous that your daughter turned out better than her sons.

Now your daughter is in the house and she gets to watch her husband put his daughter ahead of her. Could you move your clothes for my daughter? Can you give up your living room for the evening for my daughter? You convict son is not welcome here but watch me go out of my way for my beloved daughter. There is good reason for it, and it's temporary, and it's family, but bottom line -- right now your daughter is displacing her.

You are not doing anything wrong, but since when have women's feelings been logical?

MY ADVICE
Fuss over your wife more than usual. More than your daughter. If you're making coffee, going shopping, doing anything, ask you wife FIRST if she wants anything.

Do not rescue your daughter by bringing in another dresser or emptying your wife's clothes out for her. Rather, if your daughter wants more room for the kids' clothes, have her ask your wife directly if she would mind if she put those clothes in the closet for now, and depending on the answer, do it herself or go get the cheapo dresser herself.

Ask your wife how is she doing with your daughter in the house? Tell her you know how much she loves her privacy and routine and how much you appreciate her being so loving and welcoming to your daughter.

Maybe, tactfully point out that even though this baby is biologically your daughters, your wife will be 100% grand parent in the child's eyes -- kid's don't keep track of which grandparent is biologically related to them!

Maybe pull your daughter aside and ask her to make a good effort to tell your wife how much she appreciates her being so supportive and how glad she is to have such a wonderful grandmother for her child and how much she looks forward to all the wonderful family memories you will all have.

THE SON
You and your wife know the situation best, but you might consider what can you do to help the son without enabling him. No matter how bad he is, he is her son and when you reject him, no matter how much she loves you, it must occur to her that she could be helping him more if you were not in her life.
 

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I mean you don't want to be hospitable to your daughter at the expense of your wife because it's your wife's home too. My first thought when you begin telling the story is why you didn't just go move in with your daughter at her place. It would have accomplished the same thing. You'd have been there to take her to the hospital and show her how to do things. And would only have been temporary. I don't think your wife should have to be moving a bunch of her stuff. Since it's temporary the daughter and baby could be living out of a suitcase for that matter. The daughter could be using the closet instead of your wife having to move her stuff over there.

I do side with you on not wanting the felon living there.
 
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Life long poor decisions have a way of being yet more life long poor decisions. If you hang around trash you end up smelling like garbage.
 

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I'd also bet your wife is thinking this isn't so temporary.

Let's see how anxious your daughter is to leave with a newborn and no father and a room mate who probably doesn't want to hear a crying baby every night.

Methinks she's going to be there a while and a lot is going to end up being asked of your wife to take care of a newborn.
 

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Yeah. They are going to be there only a couple of days? Are you sure about that? What if she has a c section?
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Oof. I have two children and I love them and I love babies, but someone else's NEWBORN in the house? No, no no. How well are the walls soundproofed?

Aren't you guys worried about covid and newborn?
 

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I mean you don't want to be hospitable to your daughter at the expense of your wife because it's your wife's home too. My first thought when you begin telling the story is why you didn't just go move in with your daughter at her place. It would have accomplished the same thing. You'd have been there to take her to the hospital and show her how to do things. And would only have been temporary. I don't think your wife should have to be moving a bunch of her stuff. Since it's temporary the daughter and baby could be living out of a suitcase for that matter. The daughter could be using the closet instead of your wife having to move her stuff over there.

I do side with you on not wanting the felon living there.
She shares her place with another woman, so not really convenient for him to go there.
 

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Yeah. They are going to be there only a couple of days? Are you sure about that? What if she has a c section?
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Oof. I have two children and I love them and I love babies, but someone else's NEWBORN in the house? No, no no. How well are the walls soundproofed?

Aren't you guys worried about covid and newborn?
Right? I took care of two as well and I question how involved OP was with his own newborn daughter if he bought this couple of days crap.

I wonder if he'll be getting up at night to help or if his wife will be eyed for that? After all, he thinks his wife should somehow have "mother" instincts for his daughter's baby so he probably assumes she'll be happy to get to get up with someone else's newborm while he sleeps. Because....mother instincts.

This whole she doesn't trust her room mate to drive her was a load of crap so she could move in. She could easily have made arrangements for them to come get her.

We'll see if he responds to anything.
 

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I cant understand why she is being so difficult. We had a close family member(my family not my husband's blood family) and her baby living with us for 2 months after her difficult birth and when she had to leave her rented flat after it was sold by the owners. They then came and lived with us for 3 months during the first lockdown we had here when the baby was still under a year. You do things for family becuse you are family. Yes it was tiring and draining for us in our 60's, but you just get on with it. We shared many special times with her and the baby as well, and we are very close. Honestly 2-3 weeks isnt long at all. Her leaving after 2-3 days seems very soon though, its her first baby, she may have painful stitches and even have to have a caesarian. I would give her at the very least 10-14 days after the birth. She clearly doesn't have her own mother to help, is the babies dad involved at all? Are his parents supportive? Does she have anyone else who can help her out after she goes home after the birth?
 

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Right? I took care of two as well and I question how involved OP was with his own newborn daughter if he bought this couple of days crap.

I wonder if he'll be getting up at night to help or if his wife will be eyed for that? After all, he thinks his wife should somehow have "mother" instincts for his daughter's baby so he probably assumes she'll be happy to get to get up with someone else's newborm while he sleeps. Because....mother instincts.

This whole she doesn't trust her room mate to drive her was a load of crap so she could move in. She could easily have made arrangements for them to come get her.

We'll see if he responds to anything.
He bought his own daugher up on his own from tiny so I am sure he is capable of being a good and supportive Grandad. It would be nice if he had his wife's support though.
 

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He bought his own daugher up on his own from tiny so I am sure he is capable of being a good and supportive Grandad. It would be nice if he had his wife's support though.
Well if that were true he'd know that the odds his daughter is leaving with a newborn anytime soon are quite low. Most of us have raised kids so we know what's coming in those first few months, at least until the baby starts sleeping.

And where will the child care come from when his daughter works, assuming she even works?

So either its not true or he's being intentionally obtuse.

The odds are good that his wife is going to get roped into basically helping to raise this baby and she knows it. That's why she's not thrilled about the daughter making herself at home.
 

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Yes, I read each reply and thanks to those who answered and asked questions. Let me see if I can answer a few of them. The baby's dad is involved although he and my daughter are no longer a couple. His is in NJ visiting his family. No telling when he'll be back because he doesn't have a place to live here right now. He ran into some bad luck and had to move back up north. Lost his job and apartment. His plans are to come back for the birth but you can't really say the exact date she'll be born.

Someone asked why don't I move in with my daughter at her place. Several reasons. I currently work from home and it's not practical for me to go across town to sleep just to come back home every day to work. It's better for my daughter to be here so that when she goes on maternity leave she';ll be here. They only have a 2 bedroom apartment and both are being used. As far as the room mate goes we're not sure she can drive. She doesn't have a car but what she does have is a very sweet, very autistic 5 or 6 year old son who is non verbal. I'm not sure that if my daughter goes into labor in the middle of the night my daughter's room mate can get up, rush to dress her autistic son, then drive them all to the hospital. And they stay too far across town for me to drive over and take her myself. That's why she wanted to come back home for a few weeks. During this time they aren't just letting everyone walk into a hospital. Plus I don't think my daughter wants her room mate to have access to her car while she's giving birth and possibly in the hospital for a few days.

As far as the dresser these are clothes my wife hardly wears. It's not like she's going in there every day pulling something out to wear. Up until now, before we started cleaning the room, that door stayed closed and we used it as a junk room. Again, our plans were to use that room as a nursery for the new baby and our 4 year old granddaughter so they are going to need room for their clothes. Again, that's why we started cleaning it out. One 4 drawer dresser and my wife is using 3 of the drawers. I asked her to just put her clothes in the top of the closet, not in a storage unit across town.

As far as the step-son(s) I have been in their lives a number of years but everything I've tried to show them about being men has gone in one ear and out the other. The oldest is just defiant when it comes to authority. That's why he's a felon and has been since the age of 18. After all the kids graduated high school and were still living at home we assessed a monthly rent of $200 a month and they had problems paying that. My daughter went off to college and graduated with a 4 year degree and she had no problem paying her share. The problem came when she was paying hers and the boys weren't. I do not mind helping anyone but I need to see you trying to help yourself too. If all you want to do is hang out, get high, drink, and party then don't come to me with your hands out. Again, my step-son has 2 kids by 2 different women. His idea of child support is taking the oldest to a pizza place once a month or to one of his friend's kid's birthday party. My wife and I get his oldest every other weekend and we love her to no end. I don't doubt that my wife is gonna love my daughter's baby any less. My step-son's other baby momma won't even let him see her daughter and we haven't seen her since Christmas of 2019. She refuses to let us see her also. She'll be going on 4 this year.

My wife thinks 2 or 3 days after the birth is enough time to get use to being a mom. I personally would like her to hang around for a week or so. Again, no, she's not moving back home. I assure you of that but 2 or 3 days is too soon for me. And no, her mom is nor really in the pic. She wasn't a stellar parent. Several years ago I found out that she had gotten hooked on crack. I have been my daughter's dad and mom since she was 2. No, I'm no trying to cram my daughter down my wife's throat but I just want to be there to help her. What parent wouldn't? And even after she goes back to work from maternity leave the baby will be here some days or at my parent's or my sister, my daughter's favorite aunt. We have decided that with covid still around we don't want that baby going to some daycare somewhere. That's what family does. My wife and daughter get alone fine like any step-parent/step-child would. There's no tension there but my wife always think that her kids do no wrong. I guess that's understandable. What parent wouldn't?

I hope I have answered some of everyone's questions.
 

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Well if that were true he'd know that the odds his daughter is leaving with a newborn anytime soon are quite low. Most of us have raised kids so we know what's coming in those first few months, at least until the baby starts sleeping.

And where will the child care come from when his daughter works, assuming she even works?

So either its not true or he's being intentionally obtuse.

The odds are good that his wife is going to get roped into basically helping to raise this baby and she knows it. That's why she's not thrilled about the daughter making herself at home.
Of course he wants to help his daughter thats what good parents do, and when you marry someone with children, even if they are older children, things happen from time to time.
 

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Yes, I read each reply and thanks to those who answered and asked questions. Let me see if I can answer a few of them. The baby's dad is involved although he and my daughter are no longer a couple. His is in NJ visiting his family. No telling when he'll be back because he doesn't have a place to live here right now. He ran into some bad luck and had to move back up north. Lost his job and apartment. His plans are to come back for the birth but you can't really say the exact date she'll be born.

Someone asked why don't I move in with my daughter at her place. Several reasons. I currently work from home and it's not practical for me to go across town to sleep just to come back home every day to work. It's better for my daughter to be here so that when she goes on maternity leave she';ll be here. They only have a 2 bedroom apartment and both are being used. As far as the room mate goes we're not sure she can drive. She doesn't have a car but what she does have is a very sweet, very autistic 5 or 6 year old son who is non verbal. I'm not sure that if my daughter goes into labor in the middle of the night my daughter's room mate can get up, rush to dress her autistic son, then drive them all to the hospital. And they stay too far across town for me to drive over and take her myself. That's why she wanted to come back home for a few weeks. During this time they aren't just letting everyone walk into a hospital. Plus I don't think my daughter wants her room mate to have access to her car while she's giving birth and possibly in the hospital for a few days.

As far as the dresser these are clothes my wife hardly wears. It's not like she's going in there every day pulling something out to wear. Up until now, before we started cleaning the room, that door stayed closed and we used it as a junk room. Again, our plans were to use that room as a nursery for the new baby and our 4 year old granddaughter so they are going to need room for their clothes. Again, that's why we started cleaning it out. One 4 drawer dresser and my wife is using 3 of the drawers. I asked her to just put her clothes in the top of the closet, not in a storage unit across town.

As far as the step-son(s) I have been in their lives a number of years but everything I've tried to show them about being men has gone in one ear and out the other. The oldest is just defiant when it comes to authority. That's why he's a felon and has been since the age of 18. After all the kids graduated high school and were still living at home we assessed a monthly rent of $200 a month and they had problems paying that. My daughter went off to college and graduated with a 4 year degree and she had no problem paying her share. The problem came when she was paying hers and the boys weren't. I do not mind helping anyone but I need to see you trying to help yourself too. If all you want to do is hang out, get high, drink, and party then don't come to me with your hands out. Again, my step-son has 2 kids by 2 different women. His idea of child support is taking the oldest to a pizza place once a month or to one of his friend's kid's birthday party. My wife and I get his oldest every other weekend and we love her to no end. I don't doubt that my wife is gonna love my daughter's baby any less. My step-son's other baby momma won't even let him see her daughter and we haven't seen her since Christmas of 2019. She refuses to let us see her also. She'll be going on 4 this year.

My wife thinks 2 or 3 days after the birth is enough time to get use to being a mom. I personally would like her to hang around for a week or so. Again, no, she's not moving back home. I assure you of that but 2 or 3 days is too soon for me. And no, her mom is nor really in the pic. She wasn't a stellar parent. Several years ago I found out that she had gotten hooked on crack. I have been my daughter's dad and mom since she was 2. No, I'm no trying to cram my daughter down my wife's throat but I just want to be there to help her. What parent wouldn't? And even after she goes back to work from maternity leave the baby will be here some days or at my parent's or my sister, my daughter's favorite aunt. We have decided that with covid still around we don't want that baby going to some daycare somewhere. That's what family does. My wife and daughter get alone fine like any step-parent/step-child would. There's no tension there but my wife always think that her kids do no wrong. I guess that's understandable. What parent wouldn't?

I hope I have answered some of everyone's questions.
The difference between you is that you have readily accepted having the grandchild from her son to stay every other weekend, and you call her your grandchild and not her grandchild which is lovely, so I honestly dont understand why she feels that your daughter and grandchild should leave after just 2-3 days. Honestly I could barely walk 3 days after having my first child. I hope she has lots of other support once she goes home as well, as the babies dad and her mum clearly arent gong to be any help. If she were my daughter I would want her to stay at least 2 weeks after the birth and only go back then if she had other help once she goes back to her flat.
I think your wife must either have had a very easy time when she had her sons, or she has forgotton what its like, or she had loads of help from her partner and other family.
Does your daughter know what your wife said?
 

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My wife is a creature of habit. She hates for anything to change. Once something is set she always wants it that way. She doesn't just go with the flow. Why is everything now so much of an inconvenience to her or is she just mad that I wouldn't allow her son to move back in with us but my daughter is now here? Again, my daughter has her own place and this is just a temporary thing to get her use to being a mom, and also so I can drive her to the hospital when she goes into labor. She will be going back home. How do I get my wife to understand that not everything is an inconvenience? One would think that as a mother she would want to show my daughter the ropes. Even after the baby is born she is only wanting to give my daughter 2 or 3 days here then she says she's gotta go back to her apt. Ladies, is this wrong? Where's the motherly instinct wanting to kick in here? Her oldest son has another baby by a girl whom we haven't seen since Christmas of 2019 because she said she doesn't know us thta well. We've reached out to her numerous times asking her to bring the baby over for a visit and she refuses. And neither will she allow us to come to her place. Yes, she lives in our same city. Given that you can't see one of your grandchildren I would think my wife would want to do everything in her power to be a constant presence in the new baby's life instead of wanting to kick them out 2 or 3 days after she gives birth.
You are projecting your way of thinking onto your wife. Your daughter is not your wife's daughter so she doesn't have the same feelings for her as you do. It is a huge inconvenience. Someone has disrupted her life and there is no end in sight. You say it is temporary, but your wife doesn't have a firm end date so to her, this is an endless situation. You don't mention your money situation, but is there a chance that by buying all this stuff for your daughter that you are putting a strain on your budget?

Your wife should take first place in your heart and I'll bet that right now, she is feeling like she has been pushed out of that place. Her home has been disrupted. You need to pay your wife some serious attention right now and reassure her. None of this is her fault but she is paying the consequences. This thing could easily go long term with issue after issue coming up which extends your daughter's stay. Your wife may be worried about this. Dude, she just wants her life back.
 

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You are projecting your way of thinking onto your wife. Your daughter is not your wife's daughter so she doesn't have the same feelings for her as you do. It is a huge inconvenience. Someone has disrupted her life and there is no end in sight. You say it is temporary, but your wife doesn't have a firm end date so to her, this is an endless situation. You don't mention your money situation, but is there a chance that by buying all this stuff for your daughter that you are putting a strain on your budget?

Your wife should take first place in your heart and I'll bet that right now, she is feeling like she has been pushed out of that place. Her home has been disrupted. You need to pay your wife some serious attention right now and reassure her. None of this is her fault but she is paying the consequences. This thing could easily go long term with issue after issue coming up which extends your daughter's stay. Your wife may be worried about this. Dude, she just wants her life back.
This is part of marrying someone who has other family namely children and grandchildren. I am so grateful that my own husband has always welcomed my children and grandchilren as his own. Its just for a couple of weeks before and a week after, thats such a short time. If she loves her husband then why would she act this way? Its just selfish. They care for her grandchild regularly and he is happy with that.
 
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