Talk About Marriage banner

Status
Not open for further replies.
1 - 20 of 44 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
4 Posts
Discussion Starter #1
My wife has been friends with this guy, "James" since before we were married. Initially, she dated his roommate, but she and her two sons became fast friends with the three guys who lived in the house across the street. She knows James as a serial philanderer - she has told me he cheated on his fiancée several times before they were married, and she told me she's had conversations with him in which he revealed he has had several more affairs since he got married.
A few weeks ago, we were sitting on the couch and he called my wife with this crazy story he concocted about his wife trying to kill him, and that she was having him followed, she rigged his truck to secretly transport drugs, etc..... Long story short, he said he called her because she's a nurse and he needed her medical opinion, AND she was the only person he could trust. Since then, she's confessed to me that this guy calls or text messages her several times a week, and has even come to see her while she was at work - something I don't even do.
We got in a huge argument because I told her she should know better, that he is playing to her sympathies in order to get her in bed. She says that I am crazy and that she's not doing anything wrong. I asked to to put him in his place and to tell him to stop calling her - or I will. She told me I'm being controlling and she can take care of herself.
This is the second marriage for both of us. Hers ended because of her husband's alcoholism, and mine because my first wife had several affairs.
Am I being overly sensitive because of my previous experience? I have worked with guys like this before, and seen them in action. This seems textbook to me - him playing on her sympathies. The trouble is, I work for a contractor and I have to go away for more than a year very soon - something she just happened to share with this creep. What do I do?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
10,214 Posts
This seems textbook to me - him playing on her sympathies. The trouble is, I work for a contractor and I have to go away for more than a year very soon - something she just happened to share with this creep. What do I do?
Sorry man,
Your wife is not naive.
She is not a teenager in high school.
For god's sake, she has been married and divorced.
She is already sexually attracted to James, and she KNOWS this.
The thought of James giving her such attention is exciting her.

That's why she is accusing you of being controlling.
Its called " gaslighting."

You need to put a stop to this NOW.
Have a look at the texts she gets from James.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,940 Posts
She told me I'm being controlling and she can take care of herself.
Huge red flags. People from out side is not her bussiness but marriage bussiness.
Controling speech = I don't want to be acountable to you, I will do whatever pleases me.

Her first husband alcoholism surely left her very entitled to her "freedom" one she divorced him. Also means she was left with blurred boundaires. The doesn't get waht healthy boundaires in marriage are. She's also used to power games. It's going to be hard to make her see this is completely unnaceptable.
Probably need proffesional help (MC).
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
10,815 Posts
I found the best way to stop being labed controlling is by telling the ones doing the labeling that you are not controlling them but protecting my self from additional pain by letting you go.

Like I always say I'm not controling I'm just protecting my family. Its always up to my wife, my adult son, my adult daughter to except this protection or not.

Funning thing is when ever I'm right they all come back and ask me if I stll know those guys that know guys that can take care of certain problems.

Any way your not being controling you are only protecting and when it comes to infidelity the one that needs the most protection is the betrayed.....so don't ever fall for the wayward crap!!!!!!!!!
 

·
Super Moderator
Joined
·
29,656 Posts
Hmm. This is outside my field but let's see...

His wife is out to get him. She wants to kill him. She is having him followed. She has converted his truck to carry drugs in order to get him into trouble. (Before or after she kills him?:rolleyes:)

And your wife is the only person who can help him.

You presume that his motivation is in order to get her into bed with him. Perhaps.

But I like to go by Occam's razor, aka the law of succinctness. Basically it says: The simplest explanation is often the correct one.

He is being followed! Set up for a drugs arrest! His wife is trying to kill him! And only one person can save him!

Is this the actions of a man looking for a bit of strange or, and I think this is more likely, the actions of someone suffering from some kind of paranoid and/or psychotic illness?

Paranoid people often fixate on one person or one group of people.

This situation might be far more dangerous than you know.

Does he consume large quantities of cannabis? Smoked or ingested to excess, cannabis paranoia can be very harmful. Often to other people.

You need to have this chap checked out. He could be a menace to your wife, you and your family.

Please! Be careful.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
4 Posts
Discussion Starter #7
I DO think he is nuts, but I don't think he's doing drugs because he's in the military and has a good career.
Frankly, I don't give a crap if this guy needs to be checked out, or even if he is telling the truth and his wife IS trying to poison him. He has, in fact, backed off that story somewhat over the last few weeks, according to my wife, but what bothers the most is that she "forgets" to tell me he called or texted until a few days or a week has passed.
Yesterday, the argument started because she accidentally left her phone at home, and when she got home and checked it out, she revealed that she had missed a call and a text message from him. That's when she said she's been conversing with him several times a week - maybe even a few times a day - since he got back from his overseas tour. I think she even communicates with him via Facebook, because she can do this with her phone and their conversations are completely private.
I am thinking of sending him and maybe his wife a message via Facebook.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
13 Posts
The trouble is, I work for a contractor and I have to go away for more than a year very soon - something she just happened to share with this creep. What do I do?

If you are leaving for a year for work consider yourself not married when you get back. You may need to quit your job.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
10,815 Posts
Did any one see the movie "True Lies"?

I think your wife can;t face that guys use chick to get in ther pants and in her mind she is to smart to get played.

The fact of the matter is for what ever reason ones deniel is very powerful....no matter if you are the betrayed or the wayward.

IDk maybe it some folks have a hard time in believing in the worst in other poeple.

Anyway... I think the player should be played.

Set up a con and OM may never bother your wife again.

Even if OM told your wife about your con you can always blow it off as you had nothing to do with it and maybe it was his wife that left him in the middle of the woods.

See...thinking out side the box here, the OM set him self up for bad things to happen to him. and your wife would now the difference.

But thats just me.LOL
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
371 Posts
Really mattmatt??? weed caused his extreme crazy thoughts that he very creatively made up. Don't blame a mental illness on marijuana. If he truly made it all up and believes it them he needs to be commited. Weed can make people paranoid but not to the point of crazy. Read up on marijuana a bit before pulling false information out of your you know what.

Edited to add: I usually agree with your sensible advice, but your views on marijuana are naive at best.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
10,815 Posts
Play the player.

And maybe your chick won't even get any more calls.

My old lady cheated and its no fun, but if this POS is pushing then its time to push back.

Many will argue its your wife that needs to take a stand, but if yours is anything like mine then yes she is to damb niave.......

Anyway you deal with your chick with confidence and calm and firm boundries. As far as the a OM confront this POS and scare the crap out of him by exposing him.....or.... drop him off in the desert.LOL.

I mean this guy is showing up at your chick's work, so the way I see it you have 2 problems and one is with the OM.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,419 Posts
Why are you not allowed to see the content of their communications?

Does your wife have secrets from you in her messages that she thinks you shouldn't see?
 

·
Super Moderator
Joined
·
29,656 Posts
I DO think he is nuts, but I don't think he's doing drugs because he's in the military and has a good career.
Frankly, I don't give a crap if this guy needs to be checked out, or even if he is telling the truth and his wife IS trying to poison him. He has, in fact, backed off that story somewhat over the last few weeks, according to my wife, but what bothers the most is that she "forgets" to tell me he called or texted until a few days or a week has passed.
Yesterday, the argument started because she accidentally left her phone at home, and when she got home and checked it out, she revealed that she had missed a call and a text message from him. That's when she said she's been conversing with him several times a week - maybe even a few times a day - since he got back from his overseas tour. I think she even communicates with him via Facebook, because she can do this with her phone and their conversations are completely private.
I am thinking of sending him and maybe his wife a message via Facebook.
So his mental illness is nature rather than nurture? And some people in the military do drugs.

Out him to his commander?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
7,006 Posts
I DO think he is nuts, but I don't think he's doing drugs because he's in the military and has a good career.
I think the military has rules regarding adultery and inappropriate behavior if push comes to shove.
 
  • Like
Reactions: the guy

·
Banned
Joined
·
298 Posts
Hmm. This is outside my field but let's see...

His wife is out to get him.
She wants to kill him.
She is having him followed.
She has converted his truck to carry drugs in order to get him into trouble. (Before or after she kills him?
MM you forgot,
If Ascottharri ain't careful, this guys gonna have it in for him. (if you know what I mean ;))

Caribbean called it right out of the gate.
 

·
Super Moderator
Joined
·
29,656 Posts
Really mattmatt??? weed caused his extreme crazy thoughts that he very creatively made up. Don't blame a mental illness on marijuana. If he truly made it all up and believes it them he needs to be commited. Weed can make people paranoid but not to the point of crazy. Read up on marijuana a bit before pulling false information out of your you know what.

Edited to add: I usually agree with your sensible advice, but your views on marijuana are naive at best.
It is not false information, just because you don't know it, MrsOldNews. I personally know two people who became certifiably insane as a result of smoking skunk. As in locked in a secure unit for a time.

Here's something for you to take a look at
I smoked skunk for 6 years until May - Talking About Cannabis - Community Support, Advice and Information - Cannabis Addiction - The Cannabis Diaries

And yes, my views on the use of cannabis (as a moderate social user) pretty much mirrored yours. Until my first nasty bout of paranoia induced by some cannabis. Last time I smoked it.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
4 Posts
Discussion Starter #17
It's not that she won't let me see the messages from Facebook, I haven't asked. But text messages are saved forever, and can be accessed fairly easily from her phone when she's in the shower or whatever. Facebook messages are private. Unless she logs in and shows them to me, I can't get to them.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,419 Posts
Why don't you ask?

How sure are you that she hasn't been deleting them?

Tell her you were cheated on in the past and this is triggering you and it would make you feel better if you could see the messages.
 
1 - 20 of 44 Posts
Status
Not open for further replies.
Top