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Discussion Starter #1
Hello, I've been married for six years. Guess how many times I've had sex? None. I'm a virgin.

I fell in love with my wife when I was 25, and we got married within a few months. Our Nepalese culture disapproves of premarital sex, so we never had sex while we were dating. But we were clearly physically attracted to each other. Kissing and fondling and BJs were commonplace.

But ever since we got married, she always has an excuse- a headache, a period, sadness, a movie or tv show, work exhaustion. Even when I ask her a week in advance when her day off is and make plans for us to have sex, somehow she still manages not to.

Complaining makes things worse and she heads for divorce talks rightaway. She tells me that she understands she "has a problem" and that "i'm a saint" (little consolation), but things pretty much remain unchanged.

I don't want to leave her, but I can't live a sexless life either. Can anybody tell me whether my wife is asexual? Any advice/info would be much appreciated.

Thank you.
 

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Since your wife engaged in sexual play before marriage I doubt she is asexual. It sounds to me like she is afraid of sex for some reason.

If she will not work on this then you have two choices.

1) stay in your situation and maybe get lucky one day. This is highly unlikely.

2) leave her and find someone who is interested in having sex. You could always keep her as a friend.

I don't now what religion you are or the laws in your country, but you might be able to get an annulment since the marriage has never been sexually consumated.
 

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Discussion Starter #3
Why would she be afraid of sex? If she were, why was she so much into sexual play before? There was a time after marriage when she'd ask for getting dry humped by me quite often (but would rarely give me a BJ in return, even if she had promised it). This phase lasted for the first two years or so. Then I started demanding more and refused to participate.

I really don't want to leave her as I know she really loves me and I do too. So I'm wondering if this is a psychological or physical condition that can be fixed.

I hate to admit though that my wife has never ever taken the initiative herself to address out situation- I was the one to seek out counseling, and even find TEM. So seems like she's innately unsexual towards me at the very least.

For the record she is a very attractive woman, and I frequently remind her of that- I know lots of women have issues about how they look, and I believe me wife is not one of them.
 

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I have heard of people who are afraid of sex.

Fear Of Sex - Help for Fear Of Sex - Phobias | FearofStuff.com

Do a google search for "fear of sex" and read some.

Maybe she is afraid to get pregnant. Has she mentioned anything about children?

From what you said she seems to feel good about her own beauty. Many beatiful women learn that their beauty is power. Maybe refusing sex with you is a way for her to have power.

Have you ever gone to far as to touch her private parts with no cothing between your hand and her skin?
 

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Discussion Starter #5
I don't think she's afraid of sex- I have asked her about it and she has told me that she seems to "not feel like it" when I seem to feel like it (which equates to "never" on her part, although she claims at times she is quite aroused thinking about the two of us making out).

I don't know whether this is a power play thing or not. What could she possibly achieve by refusing sex other than make me aloof?

She doesn't enjoy my touching her private parts any more as she claims to want to "do it right", and touching seems to be more like "cheating" for her (which seems bizarre to me).
 

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Oh boy, the OP seems real and the story is possibly real...

How can it be though...

It sounds like u have sought professional help, but 6 years?

I hope the people u saw gave some specific guidance. If not...I'm lost 4 words.

I am a woman and I gotta say, no matter how wonderful, beautiful ur wife is, I would do something drastic (i.e. separation) until u find a solution. Unless u do enjoy celebacy.
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Discussion Starter #7
@jennifer1986 what is OP? Sorry not familiar with the lingo/terminology used in this forum. And no, I don't enjoy celibacy.

@michzz no, absolutely not. That I can say with certainty.
 

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I don't think she's afraid of sex- I have asked her about it and she has told me that she seems to "not feel like it" when I seem to feel like it (which equates to "never" on her part, although she claims at times she is quite aroused thinking about the two of us making out).

I don't know whether this is a power play thing or not. What could she possibly achieve by refusing sex other than make me aloof?

She doesn't enjoy my touching her private parts any more as she claims to want to "do it right", and touching seems to be more like "cheating" for her (which seems bizarre to me).
Touching is part of doing it right.

Your wife is playing some pretty mean games with you. What can she achieve by doing this? Power, power in the relationship where she can string you along and maybe get you to do things by her promising you thing that you desperately want.

There is a reason your wife is avoiding sex....
Maybe she's afraid because of something that happened in the past. Maybe she was raped or molested and not a virgin. In your society, how is a woman looked at how is not a virgin when she marries? How would you react if you knew she was not a virgin?

I have heard some young women say that they have heard that sex hurts very badly the first few times and so they avoid sex.

I know this is not likely, but maybe she’s really a man. There are men who dress like women, are beautiful and string men along. But I assume you know her family and thus are sure she’s really a ‘she’.

Maybe she has a deformity she does not want you to see. Who knows? Only she does and she’s not talking.
 

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@jennifer1986 what is OP? Sorry not familiar with the lingo/terminology used in this forum. And no, I don't enjoy celibacy.

@michzz no, absolutely not. That I can say with certainty.
"OP" means "original poster" or "orginal post".

You are the "OP" on this thread of discussion.
 

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Have you sought out a sex therapist? Do they have them where you live? They help people address sexual problems.
 

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Discussion Starter #11
@EleGirl, other than the lack of sex our relationship is pretty solid. Even my family is happy with her (although things were rocky until recently). So she's not really achieving anything from not having sex, other than disrupting an otherwise fairly successful relationship.

I know for a fact that she wasn't raped, molested or anything of that sort in the past. We're close friends- at the very least that part of our marriage is true.

I don't think it's the pre-sex anxiety at work either. She just seems so strangely relaxed about our celibacy on a physical level. Psychologically she seems to be in anguish- or at least so she claims- she tells me how much she wants to have sex with me. But that "want" seems to be purely psychological, whereas the whole business is a physical one.

FYI, she does want to have children soon- which I really don't see happening given our current situation. Unfortunately, in our culture people start families quite young (usually within a year or two after marriage), so we both get a lot of "When are we going to hear some good news?" or "Are we going to become grandparents within our lifetime?" type crap- which makes me even more miserable.

And yes, I have seen my wife naked many times (even now she's okay undressing in front of me while changing) and she's not a man! No physical deformities either. In fact, she's quite hot and whenever we go out I notice other men noticing her. Little do they know.
 

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Discussion Starter #12
No, neither of us have been to a sex therapist- I suggested it, but my wife flatly turned me down. In fact things had to get pretty bad between us before she finally decided to see a regular counselor- something that I had been begging her to do for years. Till now she's only seen her counselor twice I think.

Btw thank you for replying.
 

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I hope you do not mind my bringing up the thing of her really being a man. It's just something that came to mind. I've actually read of cases like that.

So she is seeing a counselor without you?

Perhaps the two of you need to see one together as well. There is a good chance that she will not tell her individual counselor what the issue really is. It's a relationship issue as well as a personal one.

As hard as it might be, you might want to consider telling her that you do not want to be a virgin for life and you want children. And that if she will not address this with you, you will need to get an divorce or annulment and move on.

The above is a scary thing to do as an ultimatum that you are not willing to carry out is no ultimatum at all.
 

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Discussion Starter #14
@EleGirl, I fully understand that your responses are aimed at being helpful, don't worry! :)

She doesn't want to go for couple's counseling, at least "at first". In the past simply getting her to agree to visit a counselor was so hard that I've decided not to push her too far- most of all when there do seem to be signs of progress (however miniscule).

I think she understands now that our situation is urgent and that our marriage could be over because of this.
 

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Discussion Starter #15
What I really want to know is: what is wrong with her (and us)? Why is she so averse to having sex? Are there any possible explanations?
 

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Other things that come to mind is that perhaps your relationship is not as good as you think it is. When women do not feel the right emotional connection to their husband they often do not want to have sex.

For this you might want to look at the material in my siganture block below about building a passionate marriage.

Out side of that, I have given you a list of things that could be the cause. You reject them all. So from here I can only give say that forget about trying to find out why and work on behavior.

Often we humans have no idea why we do, or do not do, something. But we can overcome it with behavior modification.
 

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It might also be helpful for her to see a medical doctor and a gynecologist for a thorough check-up. It could be hormone levels or other physical causes that are blocking her sex drive. It's helpful to rule that out first, or to address whatever is discovered.

Also, have you or she considered that she might be attracted to women instead of men?
 

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Since your wife engaged in sexual play before marriage I doubt she is asexual. It sounds to me like she is afraid of sex for some reason.

If she will not work on this then you have two choices.

1) stay in your situation and maybe get lucky one day. This is highly unlikely.

2) leave her and find someone who is interested in having sex. You could always keep her as a friend.

I don't now what religion you are or the laws in your country, but you might be able to get an annulment since the marriage has never been sexually consumated.
Or maybe she just is not interested in having sex with the OP. Lots of folks marry people to whom they are not sexually attracted (although not so extreme that the marriage has not been consummated in six years).

I usually equivocate in my advice, but here the answer is plain. You have zero kids. Ditch her and start over with someone else. From the outside looking in, this is so dysfunctional as to cast doubt on whether she could ever have a passionate sex life with you (even if she wanted to).

Don't start accepting sex (she might offer it as a way to placate you). It will likely be pity sex (which means it will suck anyways) and may complicate matters further (like if she becomes pregnant).

ETA:

No, she does not love you. Or, she does not love you anywhere near as much as she loves herself (IMO you need to regard the other as much as yourself to have a successful marriage).

Also, it sounds like she has some serious hang-ups. She does not want you to touch her genitals because she "wants to do it right"? As in, intercourse is good (or okay) sex and oral, manual, etc. are bad? Might I ask what culture and religion you practice?

The issue is that these two problems compound each other. She has serious hangups about sex, and does not feel strongly enough about you to address her issues (that is why she flat out refused a joint counselor and barely sees hers).

Even if she gets that the marriage is on the line, do you want to have sex with someone who clearly does not want to but does anyways just to have a few kids, be supported, or save face? From all I've been through, seen, and read, that's the best it will ever be - at least without serious professional help.

If I were in your shoes and wanted to save the marriage, my boundary would NOT be "have sex with me or the marriage is over". Sex under those terms would probably not be very good for you, and additionally she may resent you for pushing her into something she did not want to do to any extent. Then you get into a cycle of some bad or mediocre sex, followed by an argument phase borne out of mutual resentment, then a shorter period of sex, then a longer resentment, etc. Rinse and repeat.

My boundary instead would be serious professional intervention as a condition to continue in the marriage. That means IC for her (to assess any issues she may have) and MC for you so she hears from a professional what marriage means. I've BTDT - you don't want "yeah I'll lay you just to shut you up". You DO want a commitment from her to be the best she can be AND bring that best to your marriage in all ways.

Lastly, you need to consider the possibility that she simply considers sex to be bad or sinful. Some relatives and I were discussing the topic ideology as it relates to sex. A relative's co-worker described her sex life this way: "I fell down (sinned) three times to have my three children and that's it. My husband and I don't believe in that". They are Catholics. Sounds extreme, but people do believe that, so proceed with caution.
 

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The only good thing in this situation is that you don't have children.

If sex does become a possible I hope you plan to use birth control for at least a year.

I'm sorry if this sounds harsh, but you need to understand how completely useless it is for you to be guessing at this.

There could be a wide variety of reasons that she is not having sex. No matter what the problem is, the only chance you have to change the situation is for her to be completely open with you and for her to be actively taking steps to deal with it. If she doesn't do anything or says nothing about it until you raise it as an issue, it does seem hopeless.

If she sees this as about her future as a wife and mother, she should give it the priority it deserves. If not, then you need to force yourself to make a conscious decision about staying in a sexless OR to leave while you are still young and childless.

I personally think you will regret not making the latter decision.
 

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Is this an arranged marriage? Is it a caste problem? Is there polygamy? Did something go wrong on Suhag-Raat? Has she called you a Sudra? Is your wife particularly religiously extreme in that she looks at marriage in terms of dharma alone?

And that is about all I know of Hindu marriage so you may need someone from your own community to help you.
 
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