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Discussion Starter #1
Here's the short version of my story:

2 months ago, my wife left me abruptly when I found an inordinate amount of texts and phone calls to a number unknown to me.

Prior to that, we have been together for 12 years, married for 9 with no kids. Everything seemed to be going fine, however, after I confronted her with this information, she said she had been "unhappy for about 6 months" and I wasn't attentive enough to her. She is a very beautiful woman, who has been catered to by me, and is very spoiled, and dependent on lots of money to travel and buy things!

Well she is a nurse, and I eventually find out that she is having a PA with a married surgeon who started texting her. She let me suffer for about 1.5 months saying that I was stupid, and there was no affair. I had never experienced such emotional pain in my life, I couldn't eat, sleep & had to go on anti-depressants. Throughout this whole process, she watched, and I remained in communication via text and phone calls the whole time.

Since this guy is a Dr., and he just built a large home, has a wife, and 3 kids, when I contacted him via text and told him to leave the wife alone or I would spill the beans to his family, he stopped all communications at that point. Well, once this stopped another surgeon that is his friend began to text my wife and the talk quickly turned to sex. She also began texting sexually explicit texts to this guy! In addition to this, while on one of our MC recommended "date nights", I found out that she was telling another guy she used to think was "hot" to text her so they could catch up.

The problem is that now, my wife feels that she is love with him (the first surgeon), even though he has nothing to do with her. I know all of this because I have tons of transcripts of her text messages that she backed up on my home PC. She has since moved back in (I didn't find any of the transcripts until she moved back in) and our marriage counselor is telling us to try and get along and we slowly address the situation, and she has to work on building trust. The problem I have with this, is that I seem to be the only one trying to be nice, and trying to act like this never happened until the next MC session....

My question is will this kind of communication ever be effective, or should I kick her out again, and try the 180? Thanks guys.
 

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Whyis thetitle of your thread "is my MC giving the right advice?"
 
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IMO, if your wife is still being this promiscuous even after you outed the affair, I would do a complete 180, get your finances in order, and prepare to divorce. I don't see how she could be telling you any more plainly that she wants to be with someone else. Sorry you are in this position.

Also, if it were me I would tell the Dr.'s wife. She has a right to know what kind of jerk she is married to. Wouldn't you want her to tell you if the situation was reversed ?
 

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Again?!?! :scratchhead:

You should have never let her come back. Dude I believe in salvaging a marriages but this is NOT. Even AFTER you found out and you exposed she is STILL doing it and most likely will continue. Your best bet is to 180 her butt and D her!! Understand the 180 should not be to see if she wants to R, it is to work on YOU mental well-being. If by some miracle she does come around there will be MUCH work to be done.....
 

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missymrs80 - Sorry, I guess the title is a small part of my post, but the question I'm mainly asking, is should I follow what he's saying about us living together and trying to get along without arguing for a week or so until we get back to our next MC session.

and Dblkman - I tend to agree with what you're saying, but I didn't find out about all of the other stuff until she had moved back in, so that's why I'm wondering if I should kick her out again or just try marriage counseling a few more times. Based on some other texts that I've seen of hers (that she doesn't know I've seen) she's telling friends that she wants to work on it, and the counselor is telling her (in her private session) that she needs to grieve the loss of the OM and focus on our marriage again.

As for telling the wife, (and this is sad on my part) I have not told her, because I'm afraid that if do that now, then she will divorce him, and my wife and this ********* will live happily ever after... Plus a part of me doesn't want to ruin this woman or her 3 children's life.
 

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Sounds like she is on the hunt to become a rich doctor's wife!!!! The next "single this time" doctor that flirts with her....she will be gone!!!!

I wonder if the doctor's were talking to each other about her so that when the first stepped away the other doctor saw some "Easy #$%^&" and went for it!!!!
 

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Discussion Starter #7
Shoot Me PLz - I thought the same thing about them passing the number around, and I told the wife that she was being played, and she said she has never felt so used, and stupid in her life... blah blah blah....

As for her wanting to become a rich doctor's wife, that I've thought about too, but I'm in Corporate Finance and do well financially.... so I'm not sure that's it.
 

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missymrs80 - Sorry, I guess the title is a small part of my post, but the question I'm mainly asking, is should I follow what he's saying about us living together and trying to get along without arguing for a week or so until we get back to our next MC session.

and Dblkman - I tend to agree with what you're saying, but I didn't find out about all of the other stuff until she had moved back in, so that's why I'm wondering if I should kick her out again or just try marriage counseling a few more times. Based on some other texts that I've seen of hers (that she doesn't know I've seen) she's telling friends that she wants to work on it, and the counselor is telling her (in her private session) that she needs to grieve the loss of the OM and focus on our marriage again.

As for telling the wife, (and this is sad on my part) I have not told her, because I'm afraid that if do that now, then she will divorce him, and my wife and this ********* will live happily ever after... Plus a part of me doesn't want to ruin this woman or her 3 children's life.
Its not unheard of for a therapist to want you guys to commit To being together during therapy if the shared goal is to repair the marriage.
 

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AB-SO-FA-KING-LOOT-LEE NOT!!!.

Are you kidding!!! I mean seriously, This is so far from the right course of action it's absurd!!!

TRY TO GET ALONG?!? DON'T ADDRESS IT?!? WORK ON IT SLOWLY?!?

AGGGGGGGGGGG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


How do some of these MC's get a license and why The funk is there no way to bring a malpractice suit against a MC?!?
 

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You need to expose.

Don't be afraid of her leaving, or would you honestly want to be in a marriage with a woman whose in love with another man?

You need her to go NC, offer up all email and cellphone access, and she needs to get tested for STDs.

If she balks at any of these then she IS NOT REMORSEFUL no matter what else she does if she isn't willing to make concessions to save her marriage.

You need to man up, fast. You acting like you have no balls isn't exactly going to attract her to you.

Make demands, and see them met.

MC is wrong.

You don't need to be trying to get along. She needs to be showing remorse and trying to get along with you.

If you feel pissed, lash out, and if you got something to say then say it, elsewise she'll think she got off easy and wouldn't realize the gravity of the situation.

You can't trust her, until she starts acting worthy of it, no matter what shes said to her friends.

And those texts may just be attempts to game you. You may be skeptical of this. Go to doccoolDOTcom and see the vile and deceitful things waywards do to keep their betrayed spouses in line or confused about what to do.

The first thing that may come to your mind when reading is "Yeah but my wife would never do that!"

Yeah you probably never thought she'd spread her legs for two separate doctors either.
 

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Phluid, your MC is correct on one point; you should be respectful and courteous in your dealings with her, or anyone else for that matter. That is part of respecting yourself. The MC is wrong on the rest of it. There is no rebuilding trust while she is involved in her affair(s). Sadly, friend, the wife you had is already gone, if she ever existed at all. This person you are living with is showing you contempt. I suggest that you institute the 180 and make preparations to end the marriage. If the woman now in your home should change her attitude toward you, then you may wish to consider whether you wish to build a new relationship with her.
 

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Discussion Starter #14
River rat - thanks for the insight. I do agree that I should deal with her in a calm manner. Prior to this it was screaming for hours daily.

As for her affairs, I made her send a joint text message to the other surgeon saying that their texting would stop. He apologized to me. Also, she has given me her passwords etc... And she claims it has all stopped.

I guess this why the MC is suggesting that we begin to work towards RC.
 

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Your wife is addicted to the game. To take up with the second man belies her deep "love" of the surgeon. Marriage counseling will not get at these issues because they primarily lie INSIDE HER. She has to want to change--and I see no evidence of that.

You know why she thinks she's in "love" with that first OM? Because he rejected her. She thinks that kind of ill-treatment must mean he's terrific. Just sit back and think about how twisted and screwed up that is for a minute. That is the insight into how her brain works when it comes to love: she doesn't have the faintest clue what that word really means.

Does she have other issues? Does she seem extraordinarily selfish in other ways--does she have narcissistic tendencies? Or, does she seem at times to nearly hate herself--perhaps she had childhood abuse issues or was subject to some other sort of abuse at one time?
 

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River rat - thanks for the insight. I do agree that I should deal with her in a calm manner. Prior to this it was screaming for hours daily.

As for her affairs, I made her send a joint text message to the other surgeon saying that their texting would stop. He apologized to me. Also, she has given me her passwords etc... And she claims it has all stopped.

I guess this why the MC is suggesting that we begin to work towards RC.
Expose to hr at the hospital if they don't do anything now atleast there is a record on file and they will be watching them.
 

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Tell her the marriage is on hold until she does some heavy lifting here and you decide when the marriage is back on.
 

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you already know the answer to this question...

there seems to be a whole lot of people saying to out her @ the hospital etc. etc.

I dunno, maybe I'm just a bit nore devious vs confrontational.

maybe find a nurse of your own on the side, at least you would be "even"

If you have phone a cell number or home number is best. use one of the readily available free services that clone your number on the caller id. i.e. call from one number, but show it on the id as the wife as you call the surgeons house at dinner time and hang up on the wife after asking for him in a womens voice??

blow up their home and cell numbers using this tactic. I gaurantee you they will never talk to her again! (and no one will know you did anything)

still bang the nurse though :)
 

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Discussion Starter #19
- Iheartlife - I completely agree with your assesment and her perception of love is completely distorted. She is in individual counseling in addition to our marriage counseling.

As for the childhood trauma, I think that is the primary reason that I didn't want to share, but it's the real reason that I haven't revealed all that she's done to her family and co-workers.

When she was 13 yrs old, she got pregnant after a sexual assault from an older boy. Her parents were very religious and made her carry the child through term and let a couple a mile down the road adopt the child. During the pregnancy her parents provided no love, only shame, and she endured as much shame at school from her peers until she was pulled out of school and pretty much put into hiding. She was also told that she would be able to see the child since he would be just down the road, and the people that adopted the child never allowed this to happen.

So, while I would like to shout it from the rooftops to everyone what she's done, I have chosen not to, because I love her, and I never want her to experience that kind of shame again, even at the expense of my life with her. I know it's no excuse for what she's done, but it's just something I am not willing to do to her.

I am willing to do the 180 on her, get her out of the house again, and file for divorce, and am hoping that this will get my point across. I am also hoping that therapy can help her individually with her issues with love etc...
 

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Expose her to OMW she deserve truth. Dont think that the Dr. will marry your wife, the first thing he will be doing is throwing your wife under the bus.
Do the same with other surgeons wife also she should also know the truth.

Do the 180. Get tested for STDs and ask her for the same.
Kick her out if she is not truly remorseful or o her knees begging for your forgiveness. then serve her at the work.
Dont rationalize her cheating with her past. Her cheating was her conscious choice she took knowing the consequences, so if there is no consequences she will bang others in front of you on your marital bed next time
 
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