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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
It has been three weeks since my husband has slapped me for the fourth time. Following that incident we didn't talk for two weeks. The disagreement was regarding pregnancy. When he did decide to talk to me he asked me what I had decided to do about it. No apology for the slap. When we decided to sit down and discuss about that incident, I wrote him a detailed letter addressing all the things he had done and all the words he said that have hurt me deeply. He read it in front of me and I don't think it made much of an impression on him. He agreed he wouldn't slap me again. He agreed about my decision regarding pregnancy. He agreed to resolve issues in the future in a mature manner. He agreed me to give me some time to get back to normal, which I guess he took to mean sex.


Long before the slapping started he used to issue me threats regarding my behavior at home. That my behavior is destroying the family and to mind it. He asks me to change the way I talk. He says, 'this is the problem with you.' He makes me repeat things and when I say I don't remember, he accuses me of disrespect/irresponsibility. He says things like,' I still haven't gotten an answer to the question I asked'. If I say 'please could you do do this for me?, he says,' Should I ask for the reason? why cant you tell me the reason even before I ask?' I even started avoiding certain topics because I knew they would make him angry.He tells me 'I only ask you follow my advice in one aspect only. The rest of the things I will leave you free to do as you wish.' How can I grant him that when that particular aspect is my professional life? I am a house wife now but hopefully I will soon get a job.

He tells me 'I have given you a lot of freedom. I encourage you to talk to a lot of people. I never restricted you in your hobbies. I never refused you anything. I taught you driving.' It is true too. We came here from another country. He has been here longer so he explains things to me.

The thing is he sees his actions as 'caring'. He doesn't see anything wrong in the way he behaves. And the sad part is for a long time I believed him. I believed him when he said he lost patience with me for not practicing like he told me to. I didn't tell my mother whom I am very close too when he slapped me for the first time because I believed I was to blame. He has brain-washed me into believing his views are the universal truth.

Now he expects me to go back to being the person I was before all this happened. He wants me to smile, not be moody, to show him love. He has started issuing threats again, telling me sternly not be like that. That I should change my behavior. That I should be more mature, receptive and co-operative. That I am worsening the situation. That since he has agreed to my decision regarding pregnancy even though he doesn't completely agree to my reasoning, I should be more forgiving too. At times he is cajoling, at times he is stern, at times he hugs me/touches me even though I resist and say please don't. He has never forced me for sex though, he would want a willing participant for that
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Sometimes, I feel like I just need to leave this guy and that he will never change. Will counselling even make a difference when he is adamant that nothing in the way he behaves is wrong? How can I make him see the truth?

The last time we went for counselling early in marriage (because we had problems with his webcam chat/porn addiction), I wasn't very satisfied.
 

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Sometimes, I feel like I just need to leave this guy and that he will never change. Will counselling even make a difference when he is adamant that nothing in the way he behaves is wrong? How can I make him see the truth?
Truth? HIS truth or YOUR truth? You want him to see YOUR truth, but you are never going to have this because you see the world in completely different ways.

HIS truth is that he is trying to help you improve yourself. Maybe he thinks he went a bit overboard with the slapping, but in his mind, you should just get over it already. HIS truth is that he's a great husband, you couldn't do better. You should feel lucky to have someone who treats you so well. You deserved the slaps because you didn't do as you were told. He's only doing it to improve your behaviour.

Do you HONESTLY believe he will EVER be able to change the way he thinks, or even WANT to?
 

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I can only repeat what the other posters have written. Is there any way you can go back to your family in your home country?
 

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Sometimes, I feel like I just need to leave this guy and that he will never change. Will counselling even make a difference when he is adamant that nothing in the way he behaves is wrong? How can I make him see the truth?
Counselling will not make a difference. He will not become nicer, see the truth you want him to see, or change at all.... because he doesn't have to! He calls the shots. You let him. End of story.

If you want a different story, it's up to YOU to write the next chapter of your life instead of letting HIM dictate it to you.
 

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Discussion Starter · #8 ·
Thank you to everyone who have replied.

A bit of back ground info about me: I moved to US from India. We are both doctors there. My husband is in a training/job position here and I am aiming for the same. When I said practicing, I meant for interviews that are conducted before offering a position. It is a long and difficult journey but hopefully I will know the result soon.
It would mean financial independence for me, a way to live by myself if I get the position.

I know what is being done to me is wrong. I guess, getting him to admit that is foolishness on my part.

Recently, during another argument, he told me that I was using the slapping incidents that happened a long time ago and calling his behavior as abuse, to avoid getting pregnant.

I still feel the need to defend myself, but doing that in an argument when he is in an angry mood is like inviting trouble. So, I keep silent then and send him an email later. I don't know how much it will help, but at least I can say, I did warn him several times about the effect this is having on our marriage.

I have to be strong until then not to be taken in by his insincere attempts at cajoling me. Reading about domestic abuse has helped me a lot.
 
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