Talk About Marriage banner

61 - 80 of 95 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,830 Posts
Your husband is the harmful one. He is capable of respecting you and not pandering to all of these women as if he's the savior of their lives, but he chooses not to.

That is the crux of your problem. Not Sally.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
498 Posts
You both should read: "Not Just Friends" by Dr Shirley Glass. It's based on research of couples that experienced infidelity and the boundaries that were crossed along the way. It's an easy short read. You can pick it up used on Amazon.

Discuss the book and how it applies to your marriage.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
6,093 Posts
No it wasnt the way you're thinking.. we were married in front of both our families and a couple of friends, had a small wedding party etc

And no it's unlikely that he's married to this woman. I know I should keep my wits about me but I'm not going to run off with the idea that he's married to her and hat her child is his. That's ridiculous. Like I said earlier I dont believe it's a PA, it's likely that its EA.

Also I dont see his other friendships the way you've described. I get your point. But those girls and H keeps within boundaries. Since we have been together they have taken a step back and put some respect on our relationship. Anytime we go out I'm invited without saying. Sally has issues and is toxic. Whereas his other friends come across as just normal, mature beings.
No, it is not ridiculous. You are right to keep your head about yourself and not rush, but don’t start putting up blinders to protect yourself or minimize your husband’s behavior.

We have multiple threads of women committing paternity fraud.
We have multiple threads of men hiding affair children which is fraud as well.

Probably the only reason I am still married is my wife didn’t delete texts, gave me complete access to everything and was ready to take a poly. Yes, we had fights, but every time I see a story like yours I realize how lucky I am. It doesn’t prove she didn’t cheat, but it goes much further than what you typed earlier, about his anger and deleting messages, trying to keep it an EA.

Nope, I do not know what he has done. I do know, after being here for years, his actions rarely lead to just an EA.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
6,898 Posts
We have multiple threads of men hiding affair children which is fraud as well.
I once dated a guy at university who tried to reassure me that none of his ex's 3 kids were his. This was the early '80s when single parents trying to get a university degree was unheard of.

It was not a smart move since each time he mentioned that he was in touch with his ex, instead of thinking that he was being a good father, I was assuming that he was treating me as the rebound girl.

We didn't date past 6 months but it has definitely left a memory.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,529 Posts
I asked about the marriage and made my comment because I am aware that at least some types of muslims recognize a temporary marriage. That can be dismissed easily once not needed. Even for a night.

So a man can have a 'real" wife as most recognize the role. and, still have other wives of a sort.

I'm murky on the details, obviously. But I'm wondering if your husband is slipping along the borders of technicalities here.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
23 Posts
Discussion Starter #69
I asked about the marriage and made my comment because I am aware that at least some types of muslims recognize a temporary marriage. That can be dismissed easily once not needed. Even for a night.

So a man can have a 'real" wife as most recognize the role. and, still have other wives of a sort.

I'm murky on the details, obviously. But I'm wondering if your husband is slipping along the borders of technicalities here.
Oh I see. No we dont believe in that kind of marriage, There's probably only a small sect of muslims that practice that. Majority dont believe that it's part of the Muslim faith. And regardless I doubt H even knows such a thing exists or would bother with that kind of thing just to get laid... if that is what he's doing.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
23 Posts
Discussion Starter #70
So now I've realised that H is speaking to Sally through the snapchat app... on which messages will just disappear, unless you save them individually. I don't even have to ask him to know he's not saving them. Only realised this morning before he went off to work. I didn't say anything... didn't know what to say or how to confront him. I think what stops me from speaking is that I just don't want to hear any excuses or bull**** stories anymore.The only way we could get through this is if he decides to just be honest with me. If I hear one more lie I'll fly into a rage... and then he will likely also fly into a rage and then we'll get nowhere. I'll probably pack up and go back to my parents home. I'm just sat contemplating all of this... dont know what I would even tell my parents.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,491 Posts
So now I've realised that H is speaking to Sally through the snapchat app... on which messages will just disappear, unless you save them individually. I don't even have to ask him to know he's not saving them. Only realised this morning before he went off to work. I didn't say anything... didn't know what to say or how to confront him. I think what stops me from speaking is that I just don't want to hear any excuses or bull**** stories anymore.The only way we could get through this is if he decides to just be honest with me. If I hear one more lie I'll fly into a rage... and then he will likely also fly into a rage and then we'll get nowhere. I'll probably pack up and go back to my parents home. I'm just sat contemplating all of this... dont know what I would even tell my parents.


Ah I’m so sorry your going through this! This i
Was how my exH was. Always lying, even when I caught him in a lie he still wouldn’t tell the truth. It was emotionally exhausting. I eventually gave up and didn’t care, I was too tired of the BS. That was when I knew my marriage was over. There was no convincing him anything. He did what he wanted to do, and lied to my face about it.


I hope better for you. You deserve respect.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
6,898 Posts
There are some friends who believe that their friends are more valuable than their spouse. I agree that how well your intended gets along with the life you already have is important but that should be decided before marriage. And really, before you waste a lot of your and their time. And this goes for same sex friendships as well as opposite ones.

I have a couple of long term friends and family friends that I would not want to have to get rid of. But at the same time, I'm not on the phone with them everyday, or even week or sometimes even month. And I don't do crazy things like cancel plans with my husband for them.

What's particularly galling about the OP's case here is that the "friend" is only someone who the spouse has known for only a short time. And that seems to happen fairly often. My exH was particularly charmed by the wife of on of his friends. his friend has only dated her for 2 years before they got married. So this was hardly a life long friend. Ditto with my husband. His "friend" he had only known a couple of months longer than her knew me.

The way I see it, if you expect me to stop dating other men, to mesh my free time with yours and so on, then you need to keep your other friends in line or I'm looking elsewhere.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,057 Posts
She shows all the classic NPD, BPD traits.

Removal from your life, or removal of yourself from theirs required.

He is falling hook line, sinker and pole.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
23 Posts
Discussion Starter #75
So I confronted him and now he is gas lighting me. Telling me that my paranoia and insecurities will drive him away and that I need help.

How do you deal with it when someone is gas lighting you?? I need to get to the bottom of this, I have zero proof of anything.

I dont know if he is currently in any sort of affair with sally. But I'm sure that there was something going on between them not long before H met me. And he's gone and deleted the facebook messages that likely had some proof in them. And I can't retrieve them. So basically it's just his word against mine.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
6,787 Posts
You very likely won’t ever find out the truth because he doesn’t feel it’s in his best interest to tell you so he’s not going to. He’s made that very clear. What you know now could be all you’ll ever know. Will that be enough? Only you can determine that.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
6,456 Posts
So I confronted him and now he is gas lighting me. Telling me that my paranoia and insecurities will drive him away and that I need help.

How do you deal with it when someone is gas lighting you?? I need to get to the bottom of this, I have zero proof of anything.

I dont know if he is currently in any sort of affair with sally. But I'm sure that there was something going on between them not long before H met me. And he's gone and deleted the facebook messages that likely had some proof in them. And I can't retrieve them. So basically it's just his word against mine.
He is lying and YOU know it. This isn’t a legal situation where you have to prove to a judge or jury what he’s doing. YOU know it and that’s enough.
He is so desperate to keep in contact with Sally and also hide their interactions that I firmly believe that they are having an affair.
If possible I would move out, at least for a while.Be honest if anyone asks why, he’s behaving inappropriately with another woman and lying to you about it.
What often happens in these situations is that if you split up and he gets together with Sally they will claim nothing happened until you left him. If you tell both families why you are leaving him as soon as you leave he can’t claim to be the injured party.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
6,898 Posts
I dont know if he is currently in any sort of affair with sally.
You know what you see and experience. If he is prioritizing Sally over you, that is wrong. My mantra is that I will not be in an exclusive relationship with someone who treats other women unrelated to him better than he treats me.

Prioritizing can be seen as in doing favors for her, ie asking friends to help her find a job; going to more expensive places when she's around; canceling plans with you for her. and man other things.

I'm glad I got that cleared up before we got married. now that I haven't worked a few years and have stage IV carcinoma of several organs, the options for me can be very slim. You have to get this settled before you get settled in life.

Unless Sally is secretly your husband's baby mama, there's no reason why that woman should be in his life. The more common friends they have, the harder it would be to get rid of her.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
6,898 Posts
He is lying and YOU know it. This isn’t a legal situation where you have to prove to a judge or jury what he’s doing. YOU know it and that’s enough.
I do find it interesting how people treat matters as if they are being tried in a government court. no you aren't. And you don't have the same powers to demand evidence. Even though we here agree that you should see your partner's messaging, we all know that in some places snooping even on your legal spouse can be illegal. Don't wait to the bitter end because you feel you don't have solid proof. We make decisions all the time based on inadequate information. Sometimes, that's all that you are going to get. Plus if he cared, he would be behaving in ways that make you feel safe. Not like something is missing.

He is so desperate to keep in contact with Sally and also hide their interactions that I firmly believe that they are having an affair. Me, too. but he could also just be acting out passive aggressive tendencies. ie "I'll show her." Do you really want that in a partner.

If possible I would move out, at least for a while.Be honest if anyone asks why, he’s behaving inappropriately with another woman and lying to you about it.
What often happens in these situations is that if you split up and he gets together with Sally they will claim nothing happened until you left him. If you tell both families why you are leaving him as soon as you leave he can’t claim to be the injured party. This s true.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
3,787 Posts
So basically it's just his word against mine.
No. That's not true. It's his actions against your gut feelings and common sense.

He is being shady AF. His reasons for being shady are laughable. You are 100% right--he is gaslighting you in a major way. I'm glad you see that. Do you want a marriage based on that shaky foundation? I sure as hell wouldn't.
 
61 - 80 of 95 Posts
Top