[Catas1]

She sounds toxic and seems to be trying to put a wedge between you and your fiance. She doesn't respect your space. Aslo, your finance shouldn't be her shoulder to cry on. That's unhealthy.

If your husband is accusing you of making these situations going bad, she's influencing him.

I would have a major issue with this.

Yes you're right, she knows how to pull his strings. Shes also very good at using the waterworks to get her way. I never once said or did anything to make her feel like I had an issue with her and H's friendship. When she lied to me I simply wanted to make clear to her that i know she lied and its unacceptable. She then made it point to accuse me of of not being happy with their friendship and then cried to H that she was UPSET and SCARED that I would tell him to cut all ties with her.

It was actually at that point I realised how manipulative she is and then did indeed become unhappy with their friendship.

I sometimes wish I had the brains and energy to manipulate and play games the way she does.

 

[aine]

Im so sorry about the length of this post!

My Husband has a lot of female friends. He has 4 very close ones. I've met them all and they're genuinely lovely and I get along with them really well. Now this other one, the 5th friend, he had not know for long... just a few months. Shes newly divorced, 27, single mum with a 4 year old daughter. I got bad vibes from her and my first impression of her wasnt very great either. We will call her sally. Im 28 and H is 35. During all this me and H were BF/GF and then engaged. Weve now had a muslim marriage ceremony.

Me and H had been dating for 2 weeks. We went were out for breakfast and he got texts from Sally saying she needs to call him but he replied I'm still out with GF so just text me. He was getting bombarded with texts and I could see he was getting irritated. H told me, 'I'm sorry about this shes going on at me saying that she did something last night which she regrets and really needs to see me'. I said oh I hope everything's okay to which he responded 'oh I bet she got drunk and slept with someone last night'. A few texts later and he says 'yep that was it and now shes making out as if it's my fault because I wasnt there for her and was busy last night'. Dont get me wrong I dont care about a girls sexual choices, it's the fact that she was trying to make him feel guilty for spending time with someone other than her. So that was my first impression of her.

The first time I meet Sally is because shes upset and wants to meet H. He tells me hes tired and would rather not. He then suggests the 3 of us meet up as shes not taking no for an answer. During the first meeting she seemed fine but there were few things that I noticed. When H was in the restaurant bathroom, Sally asked me how I am okay with H having female friends because she wouldn't be okay wit it. I simply replied im cool with it because I trust H, he is very honest with me. My plan that evening was to stay over with H and then call to work sick the next morning. I had only just met Sally and she asked me multiple times if I wanted to sleepover with her. I politely declined. The next morning she texts H asking if he please go with her to hes local car wash (??) And then get a bite to eat with her. He explains my GF is still here I'm just spending my day with her. She insisted the 3 of us go out and so we do. On the way back to mine Sally notices some fancy clothes shops in my local area. She asks H if he will go clothes shopping with her after dropping me home. He says NO I hate shopping. Shes persistent saying please just come with and help me pick clothes. I'm sat right next to her and she didn't ask me instead she kept begging H to go with her to pick out her outfits. So that's the first time I met her. I thought she was cool but also felt as though she relies on my H to do 'boyfriend type' activities with her... if that makes sense. So I felt like I'll give her chance but maybe need to be abit wary of her.

When me and Sally hung out for the first time alone, she kept hinting that she wanted to sleepover at mine. So invited her to stay over. The whole time she was glued to her phone texting this guy she had met online. We hardly had any conversation, the evening was a bore and I found her to be very rude. I think its basic manners to put your phone away and speak to the person you're sleeping over with.

There was one odd incident when Sally called me out of the blue and said she is close to my house and will pop by with her daughter as she wants to see my cats. I told her I was busy, i will be going to H's place as hes cooking dinner for me. She turned up anyway. She then suggested that she would drive me to H's place and then back the next day. I said no thanks I have my own car I will drive myself. She then text H and asked him if he would drive me back the next day if shes busy... after I had specifically said not to ask H because I'm perfectly capable of driving myself. She actually kept insisting that she would take me to H's house. I had to be very stern with her and explain she needs to leave so I can get ready and be on my way. A half hour later I call H and he tells me oh Sally's just been round, she said her daughter wanted to see me but I didn't invite her in as I was cooking.

Fast forward a few months and Sally's been dating this guy and calls me as they've had an argument and she wants a girls night out. I agree and she literally says to me I'm wearing a dress that shows my cleavage, make sure you do the same. I just laughed it off and said I'll wear whatever fits me right now. H calls me and I mention to him Sallys odd special request to show my cleavage. H gets pissed off with ME and says well you should tell her no I have a bf. I say no regardless of whether i have BF or not i will wear what i feel comfortable wearing. H takes this the wrong way, cuts the phone and wont speak to me. I realise hes mistaken and I send him a text clarifying that I meant I feel comfortable NOT showing my cleavage so you need not worry. Sally comes to pick me up, asks me about H and I say oh hes just being abit off with me at the moment over something petty. I didn't go into any detail. We go out to eat and then she tells me oh I text H telling him that 'me and your GF are going out' and he replied saying 'I dont care'. My reaction 'oh really? He said that?' I was genuinely surprised as its not like him to talk to his friends in that way. she replies with 'yep that's what he said'. I then say 'oh well I dont know what to say I guess hes being moody with you too'. Then she starts venting saying yep that's just men for you they're worse than women etc etc. When I get home H has calmed down and is speaking to me fine, I then ask him 'why were you being moody with Sally' he replies in shock saying 'I wasnt moody with her at all, why do you ask'. I explain what she told me and H immediate reaction was 'why is she **** stirring that is not how the conversation went at all' he reads the conversation to me and it goes something like this. Sally says 'me and your GF are going out'. H says 'that's nice, where are you going?'. Sally 'for dinner and shisha'. H 'Oh thanks for my invite'. Sally 'no invite for you as we're going to ***** about men'. H 'lol I dont care I was just kidding, have fun'

Clearly she missed out a big portion of the conversation and misconstrued H's words to me. Had me thinking that he was still very angry. I honestly cannot understand why she did that. So I said nothing at the time and just gave it some thought, as I was afraid to make a big deal and cause problems. I went on holiday for 2 weeks and when I got back H wanted me to hang out with him and Sally. I said no, i am not happy with Sally, I made clear to H that its unacceptable and feel like I have been lied to. H goes to see Sally and confronts her about the situation. I get a phone call from Sally and straight away she's being offensive, speaking to me with attitude and raised voice and is insisting that she showed me the text messages on her phone, when I said nope you didn't at all, she accused me of lying and said 'frankly I think you dont like me and H being friends'. I stood my ground and said I'm sorry but you didn't show me any messages and you weren't truthful to me. Sally replies with, 'well I'm sorry that you misheard me' I said 'I heard exactly what you said' Sally says 'well I'm sorry that you misinterpreted what I said' I said nope I know exactly what you said I didn't misinterpret anything' she then gets angry and says 'next time dont you go around escalating things with H if you have something to say then say it to my face' at this point I just cut the phone off as I wont tolerate hearing ultimatum like that from her. All the while this is going on H is sat with her and hears the whole conversation. Once he is at home he calls me and we have a normal conversation, he tells me that he wasnt happy with how Sally spoke to me and he told her off. However later that night I call H and all of sudden he is moody and wont talk to me properly. I ask him what is the issue, he tells me that Sally almost cried and sent him a text message saying how upset she is and how she feels victimised and is scared that I will tell him to end their friendship.

At this point I'm angry and I tell him, how on earth does she feel victimised when shes the one that lied in the first place and when she was questioned about it, she was rude and disrespectful to me! I told him that her reaction just proved to me that she was guilty. H says well if I was accused if lying when I hadn't lied I would react the same. For the next month me and H have multiple arguments about this as he keeps making excuses for her behaviour and insists that I should drop it and reach out to her and make up. I'm at my wits end now with these arguments so in order to move past I told H that fine I will reach out and make up with her, but I need to know that if a situation like this came up again, if she lies about anything again, I need to know that you will be in my corner. H reasuress me that if she did this again he would be very angry and would 100% be in my corner.

So I reached out to her and we made up wns said we would put this behind us.
Now my issue is that for the past month, H's words and actions have made me feel like the bad one. He's constantly criticized me for the way I handled the situation and tells me that I'm too negative and overthink things. I understand his point to an extent, but I honestly dont think I'm the bad person in this situation. Did I handle it right or has H got a point? Was I the one that did something wrong? And also I dont understand her motive behind lying? I dont feel like there are any feelings or emotional attachment with H and Sally I just think maybe she is an attention seeker and doesn't know her boundaries. Just really want to know other peoples opinions and suggestions on this.. and to know if I've done the right thing or not.

What are you, five years old? This 'friend' is a toxic good for nothing trouble maker. You tell your H to get rid of her and remover her from your life too. She sounds a little mentally disturbed imho.

 

[Catas1]

Sounds like her issues have issues.

Those vibes, trust your gut feeling.
Rarely ever wrong.

Thank you, I needed to hear this. I always dish this advice to others but recently I've been wondering whether im being a little paranoid or if my gut instincts are in fact correct.

 

[FalCod]

I'm one more voice chiming in to say that this woman is toxic. My wife and I both have lots of opposite sex friends, so i don't normally see that as an issue.

 

[SunCMars]

Most married men have a toxic friend filter.

The filter has longer hair, wears makeup, perfume, has boobs and a sharp tongue.
Oh, she wears the ring her husband put on her finger.

 

[Adelais]

How old are all of you? This all sounds very high schoolish.

You and your husband has boundary issues. After marrying, he should have let his female friendships fade into the background.

Sally is a drama queen, and if you don't like the drama, there is no reason to keep her in your life either.

Does your husband have close male friends, or only female friends? If it is the latter, he might get counseling to figure out and work on his need for female validation.

 

[phillybeffandswiss]

I see, I also disagree. I do believe men and women can be just friends as long as there are boundaries that are never crossed. When boundaries are crossed it then becomes a slippery slope. See my husband is honestly the most kind, caring and selfless man I've met. But that also becomes a bad point. He goes out of his way for his friends but I'm noticing many of them wouldn't return the favour. When I discuss with him, he insists that he's just a positive person and tries to see the best in people. He hates conflict and in any situation tries to be the mediator. I would actually say that he's naive. There have been times when I've pointed out to him about one of his friends behaviour and only after me pointing it out does he realise that it was wrong and he called his friend out on it.

Interesting, if the gender roles were reveresed people posting would be calling your husband a stalker and not a friend. A few would be suggesting a restraining order except you both accept this behavior.


The irony in your post is you calling him naive.

He's a White Knight and honestly, you are Naive.

I mean :
She has caused major fights in your relathionship.
She has private conversation with your husband.
She has told you out of context texts that create tension.
She has randomly shown up at each person's house.
She has told him out of context comments to create tension.
She has slept over.
She has gone out with you.
She has talked to you and immedeatly contacts him.
She has lied or misconstrued communication to the other party.


You let this go on for too long because they are friends. That's kind of naive on your part

The cute name is toxic friend. Sorry, she is not a friend of your husband or your marriage. She either wants your husband or is jealous of your happiness. Sorry, for me, there is no in between or middle ground in what you posted. When you get married, there are some friendships that must change and some that may end.

This one needs to end.

 

[heartsbeating]

Not only no, but HELL NO.

Exactly!

I only needed to read the first couple of paragraphs, then skimmed the rest.

Yes, she's a toxic friend and yes, she wants your man. You both need to cut off from this one.

 

[heartsbeating]

Me and H had been dating for 2 weeks. We went were out for breakfast and he got texts from Sally saying she needs to call him but he replied I'm still out with GF so just text me. He was getting bombarded with texts and I could see he was getting irritated. H told me, 'I'm sorry about this shes going on at me saying that she did something last night which she regrets and really needs to see me'. I said oh I hope everything's okay to which he responded 'oh I bet she got drunk and slept with someone last night'. A few texts later and he says 'yep that was it and now shes making out as if it's my fault because I wasnt there for her and was busy last night'. Dont get me wrong I dont care about a girls sexual choices, it's the fact that she was trying to make him feel guilty for spending time with someone other than her. So that was my first impression of her.

I'm going to project here. My husband wouldn't have patience or interest in these kind of shenanigans. Many moons ago, he shared with me that a female colleague was starting to confide in him and another male colleague about her marital issues. I suggested he keep well-clear. He agreed, didn't want to know, and shut it down/redirected to work stuff. The other guy didn't. Fast forward a short amount of time, and my husband said he was glad he'd distanced himself as the ensuing drama had unfolded. The other guy's wife called her at the office to tell her to stop contacting her husband. It all blew-up, they did end up sleeping together, his marriage fell apart, she went back to her husband.

As Lucy said, HELL NO. I'd be wondering why my husband was interested in that kind of attention.
As the old adage goes, 'save the drama for your mama..' or something.

 

[a_new_me]

Sally is probably the mother of his illegitimate child and she is trying to sideline you so that so she can get his affection.

DNA test this all and drop her.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

 

[Catas1]

Hi all I'm back with an update. I took into consideration all the advice I've had here which mostly reiterated what I felt to start with... that this situation is unacceptable. I feel like somewhere along the way I lost sight of my personal boundaries and what kind of things I would or would not tolerate. I had a very frank conversation with H in which he argued the point that since my falling out with Sally he has limited contact with her. I couldn't really refute this point as he actually has. He showed me his phone and I could see from messages/calls that they dont speak as much now and I knew already that they definitely dont meet as often. So I said okay I understand that he's taken a step back from her and told him that things should continue that way. But then her birthday came up in November. H asked me if I had any suggestions of what he should buy her for her bday. He says he was thinking of a £40 Harvey Nichols gift card. I told him that's way too much, as a couple we are supposed to be saving every penny for a wedding and home renovations. I suggested he should do it for £25. He didn't like my suggestion and lo and behold it turned into and argument. H was going on about how it's a matter of principle and he knows that she spent around £40 on his presents so he's now spending the same amount. I was angry at the fact that I couldn't make a sensible suggestion without him getting defensive and raising his voice. The argument escalated and at some point he mentions a few days back I was sat leaning into him and he was scrolling through his Facebook messenger, I was looking over and I thought I saw the name of someone I knew from school so I was like oh let me see who that is. But he went off messenger and locked his phone saying leave it theres too many messages in there. I didn't push it as it was no big deal. Now during the argument H says that he realized I was trying to look at his messages with Sally and that's the reason he then locked his phone and told me to leave it. I tell him no that's not the case I didn't see Sally's name on there I thought I recognized someone else's name, but even if I did why would you hide it? As I'm speaking H is scrolling through his phone... I ask him why would you try to hide her messages from me? How about you show me those messages now? He looks up and says I've just deleted them. I didn't even believe him until he showed me. This is out of character for him, I've never known him to hide any messages/conversations from me ever. Later when he was calm he apologised and said he did it out of spite to get at me not because he's hiding something.

Now let me tell you what I think is going on. I think H lied to me in the first place about how long he's known Sally and how they got in contact again. I used to be Sally's friend on Facebook and from what I could see it was a new profile and her first posts were on 7th December. Me and H met that january after and he told me about his female friends who had known for years and he had 5 female 'best' friends and one of them was Sally. Now I dont think you can consider someone you've known for a month a best friend or so much so that you would mention her to your date. When I asked him since then about how and when they became friends again.. H told me she contacted him on Facebook messenger and that they'd probably started hanging out again since october/November, apparently he couldn't remember exactly when. Now my gut tells me that either they met before December and if they did I get the feeling they met on the same dating app that me and H did... if that's the case then that opens up a can of worms... I would have a lot of questions about this. Or if that's not the case then I think they met in december on Facebook but when H met me he made out that she's his best friend, hence him then having to cover that up and lie about having known her for longer. Maybe H was interested in her at some point, but she friend zoned him?

 

[jlg07]

"He looks up and says I've just deleted them. I didn't even believe him until he showed me. This is out of character for him, I've never known him to hide any messages/conversations from me ever. Later when he was calm he apologised and said he did it out of spite to get at me not because he's hiding something.
"
NO he did not because he did it out of spite -- he did it to HIDE what he was doing. There was stuff there that YOU wouldn't have liked and would have outed what he is doing.

He didn't get your boundaries on this, and thinks he can just continue to do what he wants.
I think that you REALLY need to lay it out for him - tell him the consequences of what he will face if he doesn't knock off the crap. HE IS NOT supposed to be dating other women while married. He is trying to snow you and confuse you -- this is an EA at the very least if not PA.

 

[Openminded]

Nothing has changed. You’ll either accept that your husband wants other women in his life or you won’t.

 

[Girl_power]

I'm sorry I disagree. I see nothing wrong with having friends of the opposite sex, as long as they are healthy relationships with boundaries. Yes when boundaries are crossed of course they become a problem. I'm not desperate for a man. I met H after 5 years of being single. During this time I work hard on my insecurities & self esteem to make sure I didn't end up in a toxic relationship again. And I sure as hell dont believe in permitting / not permitting your other half to do something. To me that's controlling, A relationship is between two individuals and I would never try to control my partner. I've been on the receiving end of that, dealing with a partner's insecurities and him not allowing/ not permitting me to continue seeing friends and having a social life. I would never put a loved one through that. Having said that in a situation like mine, I believe evaluate the situation, make your feelings crystal clear to your other half (which is a problem because I've been holding back and haven't done that yet). And then you leave the choice in their hands. Depending on the choice they make, you will then know whether you are a priority in their life or not and you can decide whether you want to stay in this relationship or not.

Regardless I will take your advice on board and I do understand that to some extent I have allowed H to allow her to disrespect our relationship and I will likely have to take drastic measures and stand up for myself and show him that he also needs to stand up for himself and our relationship.

But this relationship is toxic. So she shouldn’t be kept as a friend. She is literally putting a wedge Inbetween you and your bf.

For me, it’s not about controlling behavior or telling someone what to do... it’s about respect. You should be able to say that his friendship with her is getting in the way of your relationship with him and he should say sally isn’t worth it and end it and move on to make you happy.

 

[3Xnocharm]

Either SHE needs to be gone or YOU do. Period.

 

[Girl_power]

You want to talk about a toxic relationship, you and him have one. I would rather take a honest and “controlling” man any day over a sneaky, manipulative, dishonest man hiding things from me. I would end things with him right now.

If he is being this way over a stupid girl I can’t imagine how he would be over real tough issues that life brings us all.

And don’t think you can change him. This is who he is.

 

[Girl_power]

And stop calling him your husband, it cheapens the meaning.

 

[The Middleman]

It sounds to me like you need to have the "It's Either Her or Me" conversation with your husband. If my wife did this, I would never put up with it.

 

[phillybeffandswiss]

Hi all I'm back with an update. I took into consideration all the advice I've had here which mostly reiterated what I felt to start with... that this situation is unacceptable. I feel like somewhere along the way I lost sight of my personal boundaries and what kind of things I would or would not tolerate. I had a very frank conversation with H in which he argued the point that since my falling out with Sally he has limited contact with her. I couldn't really refute this point as he actually has. He showed me his phone and I could see from messages/calls that they dont speak as much now and I knew already that they definitely dont meet as often.

So I said okay I understand that he's taken a step back from her and told him that things should continue that way. But then her birthday came up in November. H asked me if I had any suggestions of what he should buy her for her bday. He says he was thinking of a £40 Harvey Nichols gift card. I told him that's way too much, as a couple we are supposed to be saving every penny for a wedding and home renovations. I suggested he should do it for £25. He didn't like my suggestion and lo and behold it turned into and argument. H was going on about how it's a matter of principle and he knows that she spent around £40 on his presents so he's now spending the same amount. I was angry at the fact that I couldn't make a sensible suggestion without him getting defensive and raising his voice. The argument escalated and at some point he mentions a few days back I was sat leaning into him and he was scrolling through his Facebook messenger, I was looking over and I thought I saw the name of someone I knew from school so I was like oh let me see who that is. But he went off messenger and locked his phone saying leave it theres too many messages in there. I didn't push it as it was no big deal.


Now during the argument H says that he realized I was trying to look at his messages with Sally and that's the reason he then locked his phone and told me to leave it. I tell him no that's not the case I didn't see Sally's name on there I thought I recognized someone else's name, but even if I did why would you hide it? As I'm speaking H is scrolling through his phone... I ask him why would you try to hide her messages from me? How about you show me those messages now? He looks up and says I've just deleted them. I didn't even believe him until he showed me. This is out of character for him, I've never known him to hide any messages/conversations from me ever. Later when he was calm he apologised and said he did it out of spite to get at me not because he's hiding something.

Now let me tell you what I think is going on. I think H lied to me in the first place about how long he's known Sally and how they got in contact again. I used to be Sally's friend on Facebook and from what I could see it was a new profile and her first posts were on 7th December. Me and H met that january after and he told me about his female friends who had known for years and he had 5 female 'best' friends and one of them was Sally. Now I dont think you can consider someone you've known for a month a best friend or so much so that you would mention her to your date. When I asked him since then about how and when they became friends again..


H told me she contacted him on Facebook messenger and that they'd probably started hanging out again since october/November, apparently he couldn't remember exactly when. Now my gut tells me that either they met before December and if they did I get the feeling they met on the same dating app that me and H did... if that's the case then that opens up a can of worms... I would have a lot of questions about this. Or if that's not the case then I think they met in december on Facebook but when H met me he made out that she's his best friend, hence him then having to cover that up and lie about having known her for longer. Maybe H was interested in her at some point, but she friend zoned him?

Just for ease of reading.

 

[OnTheFly]

I would actually say that he's naive.

Nope, not even close.

Why, you ask?

.....he had an awful childhood which involved constant violence/ abuse from his dad. He was bought up by his aunt and grandma....

Sorry, from the update today it seems to me you're the other woman.