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Im so sorry about the length of this post!

My Husband has a lot of female friends. He has 4 very close ones. I've met them all and they're genuinely lovely and I get along with them really well. Now this other one, the 5th friend, he had not know for long... just a few months. Shes newly divorced, 27, single mum with a 4 year old daughter. I got bad vibes from her and my first impression of her wasnt very great either. We will call her sally. Im 28 and H is 35. During all this me and H were BF/GF and then engaged. Weve now had a muslim marriage ceremony.

Me and H had been dating for 2 weeks. We went were out for breakfast and he got texts from Sally saying she needs to call him but he replied I'm still out with GF so just text me. He was getting bombarded with texts and I could see he was getting irritated. H told me, 'I'm sorry about this shes going on at me saying that she did something last night which she regrets and really needs to see me'. I said oh I hope everything's okay to which he responded 'oh I bet she got drunk and slept with someone last night'. A few texts later and he says 'yep that was it and now shes making out as if it's my fault because I wasnt there for her and was busy last night'. Dont get me wrong I dont care about a girls sexual choices, it's the fact that she was trying to make him feel guilty for spending time with someone other than her. So that was my first impression of her.

The first time I meet Sally is because shes upset and wants to meet H. He tells me hes tired and would rather not. He then suggests the 3 of us meet up as shes not taking no for an answer. During the first meeting she seemed fine but there were few things that I noticed. When H was in the restaurant bathroom, Sally asked me how I am okay with H having female friends because she wouldn't be okay wit it. I simply replied im cool with it because I trust H, he is very honest with me. My plan that evening was to stay over with H and then call to work sick the next morning. I had only just met Sally and she asked me multiple times if I wanted to sleepover with her. I politely declined. The next morning she texts H asking if he please go with her to hes local car wash (??) And then get a bite to eat with her. He explains my GF is still here I'm just spending my day with her. She insisted the 3 of us go out and so we do. On the way back to mine Sally notices some fancy clothes shops in my local area. She asks H if he will go clothes shopping with her after dropping me home. He says NO I hate shopping. Shes persistent saying please just come with and help me pick clothes. I'm sat right next to her and she didn't ask me instead she kept begging H to go with her to pick out her outfits. So that's the first time I met her. I thought she was cool but also felt as though she relies on my H to do 'boyfriend type' activities with her... if that makes sense. So I felt like I'll give her chance but maybe need to be abit wary of her.

When me and Sally hung out for the first time alone, she kept hinting that she wanted to sleepover at mine. So invited her to stay over. The whole time she was glued to her phone texting this guy she had met online. We hardly had any conversation, the evening was a bore and I found her to be very rude. I think its basic manners to put your phone away and speak to the person you're sleeping over with.

There was one odd incident when Sally called me out of the blue and said she is close to my house and will pop by with her daughter as she wants to see my cats. I told her I was busy, i will be going to H's place as hes cooking dinner for me. She turned up anyway. She then suggested that she would drive me to H's place and then back the next day. I said no thanks I have my own car I will drive myself. She then text H and asked him if he would drive me back the next day if shes busy... after I had specifically said not to ask H because I'm perfectly capable of driving myself. She actually kept insisting that she would take me to H's house. I had to be very stern with her and explain she needs to leave so I can get ready and be on my way. A half hour later I call H and he tells me oh Sally's just been round, she said her daughter wanted to see me but I didn't invite her in as I was cooking.

Fast forward a few months and Sally's been dating this guy and calls me as they've had an argument and she wants a girls night out. I agree and she literally says to me I'm wearing a dress that shows my cleavage, make sure you do the same. I just laughed it off and said I'll wear whatever fits me right now. H calls me and I mention to him Sallys odd special request to show my cleavage. H gets pissed off with ME and says well you should tell her no I have a bf. I say no regardless of whether i have BF or not i will wear what i feel comfortable wearing. H takes this the wrong way, cuts the phone and wont speak to me. I realise hes mistaken and I send him a text clarifying that I meant I feel comfortable NOT showing my cleavage so you need not worry. Sally comes to pick me up, asks me about H and I say oh hes just being abit off with me at the moment over something petty. I didn't go into any detail. We go out to eat and then she tells me oh I text H telling him that 'me and your GF are going out' and he replied saying 'I dont care'. My reaction 'oh really? He said that?' I was genuinely surprised as its not like him to talk to his friends in that way. she replies with 'yep that's what he said'. I then say 'oh well I dont know what to say I guess hes being moody with you too'. Then she starts venting saying yep that's just men for you they're worse than women etc etc. When I get home H has calmed down and is speaking to me fine, I then ask him 'why were you being moody with Sally' he replies in shock saying 'I wasnt moody with her at all, why do you ask'. I explain what she told me and H immediate reaction was 'why is she **** stirring that is not how the conversation went at all' he reads the conversation to me and it goes something like this. Sally says 'me and your GF are going out'. H says 'that's nice, where are you going?'. Sally 'for dinner and shisha'. H 'Oh thanks for my invite'. Sally 'no invite for you as we're going to ***** about men'. H 'lol I dont care I was just kidding, have fun'

Clearly she missed out a big portion of the conversation and misconstrued H's words to me. Had me thinking that he was still very angry. I honestly cannot understand why she did that. So I said nothing at the time and just gave it some thought, as I was afraid to make a big deal and cause problems. I went on holiday for 2 weeks and when I got back H wanted me to hang out with him and Sally. I said no, i am not happy with Sally, I made clear to H that its unacceptable and feel like I have been lied to. H goes to see Sally and confronts her about the situation. I get a phone call from Sally and straight away she's being offensive, speaking to me with attitude and raised voice and is insisting that she showed me the text messages on her phone, when I said nope you didn't at all, she accused me of lying and said 'frankly I think you dont like me and H being friends'. I stood my ground and said I'm sorry but you didn't show me any messages and you weren't truthful to me. Sally replies with, 'well I'm sorry that you misheard me' I said 'I heard exactly what you said' Sally says 'well I'm sorry that you misinterpreted what I said' I said nope I know exactly what you said I didn't misinterpret anything' she then gets angry and says 'next time dont you go around escalating things with H if you have something to say then say it to my face' at this point I just cut the phone off as I wont tolerate hearing ultimatum like that from her. All the while this is going on H is sat with her and hears the whole conversation. Once he is at home he calls me and we have a normal conversation, he tells me that he wasnt happy with how Sally spoke to me and he told her off. However later that night I call H and all of sudden he is moody and wont talk to me properly. I ask him what is the issue, he tells me that Sally almost cried and sent him a text message saying how upset she is and how she feels victimised and is scared that I will tell him to end their friendship.

At this point I'm angry and I tell him, how on earth does she feel victimised when shes the one that lied in the first place and when she was questioned about it, she was rude and disrespectful to me! I told him that her reaction just proved to me that she was guilty. H says well if I was accused if lying when I hadn't lied I would react the same. For the next month me and H have multiple arguments about this as he keeps making excuses for her behaviour and insists that I should drop it and reach out to her and make up. I'm at my wits end now with these arguments so in order to move past I told H that fine I will reach out and make up with her, but I need to know that if a situation like this came up again, if she lies about anything again, I need to know that you will be in my corner. H reasuress me that if she did this again he would be very angry and would 100% be in my corner.

So I reached out to her and we made up wns said we would put this behind us.
Now my issue is that for the past month, H's words and actions have made me feel like the bad one. He's constantly criticized me for the way I handled the situation and tells me that I'm too negative and overthink things. I understand his point to an extent, but I honestly dont think I'm the bad person in this situation. Did I handle it right or has H got a point? Was I the one that did something wrong? And also I dont understand her motive behind lying? I dont feel like there are any feelings or emotional attachment with H and Sally I just think maybe she is an attention seeker and doesn't know her boundaries. Just really want to know other peoples opinions and suggestions on this.. and to know if I've done the right thing or not.
 

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You're going to get a lot of posts that say an opposite friend when you're married is never ok. I disagree. But, I do think this friend is toxic. I'd tell him you don't want to discuss the issue again, end of story. If he can't have your back in a problem with this women, that's a huge red flag that there is a serious issue happening and his priorities are skewed.
 

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Discussion Starter #3
I see, I also disagree. I do believe men and women can be just friends as long as there are boundaries that are never crossed. When boundaries are crossed it then becomes a slippery slope. See my husband is honestly the most kind, caring and selfless man I've met. But that also becomes a bad point. He goes out of his way for his friends but I'm noticing many of them wouldn't return the favour. When I discuss with him, he insists that he's just a positive person and tries to see the best in people. He hates conflict and in any situation tries to be the mediator. I would actually say that he's naive. There have been times when I've pointed out to him about one of his friends behaviour and only after me pointing it out does he realise that it was wrong and he called his friend out on it.
 

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Cat, this woman is down right crazy, plain and simple. Why are you making up with her. Your marriage doesn't need her and your husband is not protecting you in any shape or form. Your H like drama as well as Sally, and they like playing cat and mouse. Sally is treating your H like a girlfriend. And it's no wonder she has no friends.

What is wrong with you, making up l never see such nonsense, especially from a wife. Tell you H you want Sally out of your lives. And that you currently have no issues with the other friends, because they respect you and your H's relationship.

I am the way l am, and l do not have other women friends could I sure. But if l don't befriend a women l am sure they can live without my friendship. In the past I've had them play with possible FWB if l wanted. I don't need that problem so l don't ever respond or do anything for them by myself. Why because it makes me uncomfortable, to the point where l will not put myself or my marriage at risk. It's not for me.
 

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Your husband is way too much in touch with his feminine side.

Why is he so engrossed in all this female drama? My husband would blow his brains out if he had to deal with this crap on a daily basis from all these women.

Doesn't he have any MALE friends he can talk to about guy things?

I think opposite sexes can be friends too, but your husband just takes it to a whole new level it doesn't need to go.
 

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This Sally is fixated on your husband.

She suggested, one time, that the 'three' of you do a sleepover.

She is so desperate to sleep with your husband that she will entertain the possibility that you too, can participate.

She has a bug under her saddle that no man but your husband can itch.

And then once she has conquered your hubby she will find another three-legged man who dares say 'No' to her.

She suffers from obsessive compulsive disorder.

She is fixated on men. Yes, one at a time, but will go for a (stand-in) in the short term.

She is one of those 'less common' women who's little gap is in charge of the big hole in her head.

Forbid your husband to have any communication with her. When and if you speak to her again, tell her off.

She's trouble with a big "T", or maybe a "V'.
Whatever.



Lilith-
 

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double troubled post...
 

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I see, I also disagree. I do believe men and women can be just friends as long as there are boundaries that are never crossed. When boundaries are crossed it then becomes a slippery slope. See my husband is honestly the most kind, caring and selfless man I've met. But that also becomes a bad point. He goes out of his way for his friends but I'm noticing many of them wouldn't return the favour. When I discuss with him, he insists that he's just a positive person and tries to see the best in people. He hates conflict and in any situation tries to be the mediator. I would actually say that he's naive. There have been times when I've pointed out to him about one of his friends behaviour and only after me pointing it out does he realise that it was wrong and he called his friend out on it.
You got his MO down pat.

Sally does also.

She wants to drain his MO.

Since Dear Hubby is weak, you need to be strong. Put your nasty face on when talking to this She Devil.

Oh, don't think for a minute that your husband does not like this attention he is getting from this, uh, female.
He may act angry, but no, that is phony baloney, pure Cervelle de veau.

Inwardly, he likes this.
No man is that weak.
Or, should be.

Hmm.



Lilith-
 

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Im so sorry about the length of this post!

My Husband has a lot of female friends. He has 4 very close ones. I've met them all and they're genuinely lovely and I get along with them really well. Now this other one, the 5th friend, he had not know for long... just a few months. Shes newly divorced, 27, single mum with a 4 year old daughter. I got bad vibes from her and my first impression of her wasnt very great either. We will call her sally. Im 28 and H is 35. During all this me and H were BF/GF and then engaged. Weve now had a muslim marriage ceremony.

Me and H had been dating for 2 weeks. We went were out for breakfast and he got texts from Sally saying she needs to call him but he replied I'm still out with GF so just text me. He was getting bombarded with texts and I could see he was getting irritated. H told me, 'I'm sorry about this shes going on at me saying that she did something last night which she regrets and really needs to see me'. I said oh I hope everything's okay to which he responded 'oh I bet she got drunk and slept with someone last night'. A few texts later and he says 'yep that was it and now shes making out as if it's my fault because I wasnt there for her and was busy last night'. Dont get me wrong I dont care about a girls sexual choices, it's the fact that she was trying to make him feel guilty for spending time with someone other than her. So that was my first impression of her.
Girlie, I nearly choked reading your first paragraph and forced myself to read the second. But my spidey senses - along with my common sense, coupled with my healthy sense of standards and boundaries - would not allow me to read any further than that second paragraph. So I have no idea what transpired with this woman or whatever bad feelings and wonderment you get from her. You brought it all on yourself because you have no standards and boundaries for yourself or the man in your life.

Under no circumstances should your boyfriend be receiving texts or any other kinds of communication from other women. And you darned sure have no business allowing him to INVITE some woman to text him while you and he are out together. The two of them bombarded the time you were spending together, and you sat there through all of it without putting a stop to it.

Rather than that being the first impression she gave you, it was the first impression you gave him to let him know you are so desperate for a man that you will fall for anything and go along with all manner of disrespect he dishes out to you.

Under no circumstances should you permit your boyfriend, fiance, or husband to have female friends. You might think it's okay, but you should have gotten the message by now that it's not okay. As you can see, it doesn't work because it's not possible. But you're ignoring the signs and blaming her for the things that happened, when you should be blaming him for disrespecting you so much that he permits them to happen. And then look at yourself and try to figure out why you have been allowing both of them to disrespect you like this.

Ask yourself what will it take and how much disrespect, disregard, and discourtesy will you tolerate before you gain some self-respect?
 

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We say that men must '**** guard' their women.

This is a case where some women must *****-guard their men.
Always, is a shame when this is necessary.

Eh?
 

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She sounds toxic and seems to be trying to put a wedge between you and your fiance. She doesn't respect your space. Aslo, your finance shouldn't be her shoulder to cry on. That's unhealthy.

If your husband is accusing you of making these situations going bad, she's influencing him.

I would have a major issue with this.
 

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You both should read: "Not Just Friends" by Dr Shirley Glass. It's based on research of couples that experienced infidelity (and what/how lead up to it).
 

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Discussion Starter #18
Your husband is way too much in touch with his feminine side.

Why is he so engrossed in all this female drama? My husband would blow his brains out if he had to deal with this crap on a daily basis from all these women.

Doesn't he have any MALE friends he can talk to about guy things?

I think opposite sexes can be friends too, but your husband just takes it to a whole new level it doesn't need to go.
I would blow my brains out too if I had to deal with such drama.

I dont think it's that hes too in touch with his feminine side. I'm no psychologist but he had an awful childhood which involved constant violence/ abuse from his dad. He was bought up by his aunt and grandma, never really had a male figure in his life. Maybe thats why hes so comfortable with female friends? Having said that he does have guy friends that he sees regularly.

His other female friends, 1 is married so we always go on double dates. The 2 single ones, since I've come into his life it seems they were mature enough to take a step back on their own accord. They dont chat or meet as often now and if they do I'm always included in the plans. If I can't make it his friends will suggest rearranging to when I can be there too. They've given me no reason to complain. But yes this friendship with Sally is a different story.
 

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Discussion Starter #19
I see, I also disagree. I do believe men and women can be just friends as long as there are boundaries that are never crossed. When boundaries are crossed it then becomes a slippery slope. See my husband is honestly the most kind, caring and selfless man I've met. But that also becomes a bad point. He goes out of his way for his friends but I'm noticing many of them wouldn't return the favour. When I discuss with him, he insists that he's just a positive person and tries to see the best in people. He hates conflict and in any situation tries to be the mediator. I would actually say that he's naive. There have been times when I've pointed out to him about one of his friends behaviour and only after me pointing it out does he realise that it was wrong and he called his friend out on it.
You got his MO down pat.

Sally does also.

She wants to drain his MO.

Since Dear Hubby is weak, you need to be strong. Put your nasty face on when talking to this She Devil.

Oh, don't think for a minute that your husband does not like this attention he is getting from this, uh, female.
He may act angry, but no, that is phony baloney, pure Cervelle de veau.

Inwardly, he likes this.
No man is that weak.
Or, should be.

Hmm.



Lilith-
Oh yes she definitely knows his MO and is trying so damn hard to drain it. I reckon that the only reason she's friends with him.

They used to be acquaintances around 8 years ago. She got married and moved city, they had no contact but always had mutual friends. When she got divorced and moved back, she reached out to H. He tells me she was going through a tough time and had no friends so he took her out and introduced her to some mutual friends she had lost contact with. Now those friends were all in relationships or married. H was the only one who was single at that time. And yes these friends were all Male.

I dont know... maybe he is that weak. After I had met Sally. H would often push me to speak to her and hang with her. I got the feeling he was tired of hearing about her drama and was trying to push her onto me. The last time we met, we weren't able to attend her daughter's bday party, so we met to give her bday present. We were there maybe an hour, Sally did not stop venting about her new BF and how weird his family is. I could see at times H was losing focus and his mind was elsewhere. Every so often she'd ask a question wanting 'advice' H would look at my face and say oh why dont you tell her, from a female perspective?
I had nothing to say, I text H saying I'm ready to leave. So we excused ourselves and left.
 

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Discussion Starter #20
Im so sorry about the length of this post!

My Husband has a lot of female friends. He has 4 very close ones. I've met them all and they're genuinely lovely and I get along with them really well. Now this other one, the 5th friend, he had not know for long... just a few months. Shes newly divorced, 27, single mum with a 4 year old daughter. I got bad vibes from her and my first impression of her wasnt very great either. We will call her sally. Im 28 and H is 35. During all this me and H were BF/GF and then engaged. Weve now had a muslim marriage ceremony.

Me and H had been dating for 2 weeks. We went were out for breakfast and he got texts from Sally saying she needs to call him but he replied I'm still out with GF so just text me. He was getting bombarded with texts and I could see he was getting irritated. H told me, 'I'm sorry about this shes going on at me saying that she did something last night which she regrets and really needs to see me'. I said oh I hope everything's okay to which he responded 'oh I bet she got drunk and slept with someone last night'. A few texts later and he says 'yep that was it and now shes making out as if it's my fault because I wasnt there for her and was busy last night'. Dont get me wrong I dont care about a girls sexual choices, it's the fact that she was trying to make him feel guilty for spending time with someone other than her. So that was my first impression of her.
Girlie, I nearly choked reading your first paragraph and forced myself to read the second. But my spidey senses - along with my common sense, coupled with my healthy sense of standards and boundaries - would not allow me to read any further than that second paragraph. So I have no idea what transpired with this woman or whatever bad feelings and wonderment you get from her. You brought it all on yourself because you have no standards and boundaries for yourself or the man in your life.

Under no circumstances should your boyfriend be receiving texts or any other kinds of communication from other women. And you darned sure have no business allowing him to INVITE some woman to text him while you and he are out together. The two of them bombarded the time you were spending together, and you sat there through all of it without putting a stop to it.

Rather than that being the first impression she gave you, it was the first impression you gave him to let him know you are so desperate for a man that you will fall for anything and go along with all manner of disrespect he dishes out to you.

Under no circumstances should you permit your boyfriend, fiance, or husband to have female friends. You might think it's okay, but you should have gotten the message by now that it's not okay. As you can see, it doesn't work because it's not possible. But you're ignoring the signs and blaming her for the things that happened, when you should be blaming him for disrespecting you so much that he permits them to happen. And then look at yourself and try to figure out why you have been allowing both of them to disrespect you like this.

Ask yourself what will it take and how much disrespect, disregard, and discourtesy will you tolerate before you gain some self-respect?
I'm sorry I disagree. I see nothing wrong with having friends of the opposite sex, as long as they are healthy relationships with boundaries. Yes when boundaries are crossed of course they become a problem. I'm not desperate for a man. I met H after 5 years of being single. During this time I work hard on my insecurities & self esteem to make sure I didn't end up in a toxic relationship again. And I sure as hell dont believe in permitting / not permitting your other half to do something. To me that's controlling, A relationship is between two individuals and I would never try to control my partner. I've been on the receiving end of that, dealing with a partner's insecurities and him not allowing/ not permitting me to continue seeing friends and having a social life. I would never put a loved one through that. Having said that in a situation like mine, I believe evaluate the situation, make your feelings crystal clear to your other half (which is a problem because I've been holding back and haven't done that yet). And then you leave the choice in their hands. Depending on the choice they make, you will then know whether you are a priority in their life or not and you can decide whether you want to stay in this relationship or not.

Regardless I will take your advice on board and I do understand that to some extent I have allowed H to allow her to disrespect our relationship and I will likely have to take drastic measures and stand up for myself and show him that he also needs to stand up for himself and our relationship.
 
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