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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Ok, there's much to my story but for brevity I'll keep this as short as possible. My husband of 8 years has kept passwords on his phone and computer for the duration of our marriage. I always suspected he was hiding something. Recently, after a discussion about disclosure, he gave me his laptop and email password. Many files were missing and his history and email was cleared. I found his passwords list on his computer and looked at another email account. He's careful and deleted all history and mail on that one too. One thing that was not cleared was his contacts list. I found two contacts that worried me. The domain name was an escort service in a city in which he travels on business between 3 to 4 times per year. These were two different girls from the same escort service. I researched the girls and found out that they are indeed escorts in that city and I saved their profiles.They also fit the profile of what he likes (petite brunettes). I confronted him about it and he responded defensively with "I have no clue why they are in my contacts" and "why don't you email them and ask them if they know me?" We talked after he calmed down and he basically turned it around telling me that I don't trust him. (Granted our marriage is in recovery from his being formally verbally abusive and I'm emotionally healing from that so trust in him is low to begin with). A week later I was looking through his Google profile (on the account I found) and noticed the only thing not cleared was his youtube videos. Since I had nothing else to search I went for it. I found two youtube advertisements for escort services, one in DC and one in NY. He watched these ads the week prior to going to connecticut on a month long business trip.

He denies it all with a straight face.

Opinions?
 

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We always want to give the largest benefit of the doubt possible when it comes to cheating. Unfortunately, it's not usually warranted. I don't think it's just your gut telling you that he's having sex with prostitutes. I think the actual history you've found on his laptop combined with the wiping of history and pattern of using passwords all give an undeniable picture.

Again, sorry. I hope you don't have children.
 

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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
We always want to give the largest benefit of the doubt possible when it comes to cheating. Unfortunately, it's not usually warranted. I don't think it's just your gut telling you that he's having sex with prostitutes. I think the actual history you've found on his laptop combined with the wiping of history and pattern of using passwords all give an undeniable picture.

Again, sorry. I hope you don't have children.
Thank you. Because I cant find the smoking gun (try as I might) and because he's denying it with trustworthy sad eyes, I'm in a fog. Every morning I wake up and have clarity (my gut screaming at me). By evening he has me doubting again. Yes we have children.
 

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Spend some time reading on this forum. Take a few hours or more if you can.

You will see how effective people can be at lying about infidelity. The denials are very convincing and sincere so much of the time. Sad, but true.

You may not have a smoking gun, but you're very close & the signs you do have are all very familiar. Please read some more & wait for more people to post here.
 

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It is very rare that a man with all these signs is hiring escorts. Much more likely to be doing Bible study classes. Probably volunteering at a crippled children's hospital too.

There is only one explanation, hon. When someone is caught like this they have all these defense mechanisms that are deployed against you. The more you let them talk and work you over, the more you'll be worn down, confused, and manipulated.

So just tell him you know. No discussion. At this point you lay down conditions. What are your conditions. Begin the 180. You take control of the situation and wake him up to the end of cake-eating. The only thing he will respond to is your actions and the consequences he faces.
 

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Discussion Starter · #8 ·
It is very rare that a man with all these signs is hiring escorts. Much more likely to be doing Bible study classes. Probably volunteering at a crippled children's hospital too.

There is only one explanation, hon. When someone is caught like this they have all these defense mechanisms that are deployed against you. The more you let them talk and work you over, the more you'll be worn down, confused, and manipulated.

So just tell him you know. No discussion. At this point you lay down conditions. What are your conditions. Begin the 180. You take control of the situation and wake him up to the end of cake-eating. The only thing he will respond to is your actions and the consequences he faces.
Thanks. The bad part here is if it were a normal affair I would have conditions. Because we are talking escorts there's no recovery. I cannot continue the marriage if he did in fact hire escorts. Now that he's on to my investigating his actions I seriously doubt the behavior will continue (for a while anyway). So at this point I either doubt the situation enough to stay and do the 180 or I file. I think that's why I'm getting neutral opinions on it. I can't discuss with friends and family and this forum is helping me to determine if I'm over reacting or have a serious problem. I will look into the 180 program because I'm unfamiliar with it. Thanks so much.
 

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You should get tested for STDs.

Also, you can insist that he take a polygraph. These are not reliable & have a not insignificant error rate, but some people advocate the threat of one as a device to elicit confession. (There are at least two threads here from the last two months where the H confessed sex with prostitutes when his W told him she would leave unless he agreed to a polygraph.)
 

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Unless he was hiring them for business contacts to use and paying for them on expenses? If that was the case if he confessed this to you and you reported it, he would be in big trouble, legally and could end up getting jail time.

Corruption, bribery, Mann Act violations, etc.
 

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Discussion Starter · #12 ·
Unless he was hiring them for business contacts to use and paying for them on expenses? If that was the case if he confessed this to you and you reported it, he would be in big trouble, legally and could end up getting jail time.

Corruption, bribery, Mann Act violations, etc.
He's a government contractor so he doesn't hire business contacts. He files expense reports for travel and per diem only. So I don't think this applies to him.
 

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Discussion Starter · #13 ·
Have you checked bank statements and phone records for the periods around his trips?

Clint
Thanks. Nothing on bank statements except cash withdrawals. Phone records do not yield anything. Credit card statements show travel expenses and a lot of paypal charges over the past two years (as far back as I could get them). But he's a car guy and buys a lot of car parts on paypal so that's inconclusive. I have reached a dead end in research and I'm left with what I have to make a decision upon.
 

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Discussion Starter · #14 ·
You should get tested for STDs.

Also, you can insist that he take a polygraph. These are not reliable & have a not insignificant error rate, but some people advocate the threat of one as a device to elicit confession. (There are at least two threads here from the last two months where the H confessed sex with prostitutes when his W told him she would leave unless he agreed to a polygraph.)
Good idea but if I know him he'll call my bluff. He has police officer friends too.
 

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Good idea but if I know him he'll call my bluff. He has police officer friends too.
Let him call your bluff. One man did that here and then failed the polygraph. Another did it and broke down on the way to the polygrapher.

You can hire someone completely independent & not connected with the police. Don't tell your H who this is beforehand so that he has no way of influencing the outcome.

Just saying. Where there's a will, there's a way.

If you are sure you will divorce with the proof of his hiring prostitutes, then it's worth your doing everything you can to find out. You could also hire a PI to dig.

I think the info you have now is almost conclusive, but understand your need for the smoking gun before you make the momentous decision to divorce.

(Also, have you told him that you will divorce him? Perhaps if you tell him that your only chance of saving this is for him to come clean, he will do it. He will trickle truth, but you might get something.)
 

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Thanks. The bad part here is if it were a normal affair I would have conditions. Because we are talking escorts there's no recovery. I cannot continue the marriage if he did in fact hire escorts. Now that he's on to my investigating his actions I seriously doubt the behavior will continue (for a while anyway). So at this point I either doubt the situation enough to stay and do the 180 or I file. I think that's why I'm getting neutral opinions on it. I can't discuss with friends and family and this forum is helping me to determine if I'm over reacting or have a serious problem. I will look into the 180 program because I'm unfamiliar with it. Thanks so much.
I see. Not sure why the escort thing is worse than the affair. My wife has given me permission to do escorts but until they get prices down to five dollars, including hotel, for movie star quality the economics don't work out for me. You can buy a great table saw or air compressor for the prices they charge, and those are going to last you a quarter century.

She would be livid about giving my love to someone though. That would be divorce.

It's pretty easy to squirrel the money away, here and there, getting up a little bankroll for his one-nighters. With escorts, all the evidence he's going to leave is what you have already found - and that much was way too sloppy on his part.

When my wife and I use the credit card at the strip joint it produces a receipt for a truck stop on the invoice. An escort service probably does the same thing. So when the wife looks at the credit card statement it is disguised as something else. So don't expect to see "Johnny's Call Girl Service" on a credit card statement. But if he is building up cash for the trip, then there will be no record at all.

One possibility is hiring a private investigator in the city he does his business trips. If the investigator has his hotel, the schedule he keeps, the names of the escort services - this is a slam dunk. But if you approach it this way you have to convince him you are sorry for doubting him and give him no reason to suspect you are on to him.
 

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Discussion Starter · #17 ·
I see. Not sure why the escort thing is worse than the affair. My wife has given me permission to do escorts but until they get prices down to five dollars, including hotel, for movie star quality the economics don't work out for me. You can buy a great table saw or air compressor for the prices they charge, and those are going to last you a quarter century.

She would be livid about giving my love to someone though. That would be divorce.

It's pretty easy to squirrel the money away, here and there, getting up a little bankroll for his one-nighters. With escorts, all the evidence he's going to leave is what you have already found - and that much was way too sloppy on his part.

When my wife and I use the credit card at the strip joint it produces a receipt for a truck stop on the invoice. An escort service probably does the same thing. So when the wife looks at the credit card statement it is disguised as something else. So don't expect to see "Johnny's Call Girl Service" on a credit card statement. But if he is building up cash for the trip, then there will be no record at all.

One possibility is hiring a private investigator in the city he does his business trips. If the investigator has his hotel, the schedule he keeps, the names of the escort services - this is a slam dunk. But if you approach it this way you have to convince him you are sorry for doubting him and give him no reason to suspect you are on to him.
Thank for the tips wiserforit. That helps my research.

I think there are two reasons why escorts are worse than a normal affair or giving one's love to someone (to me at least). Unless a couple sets boundaries stating it's ok to have an open marriage, infidelity kills marriages. I would much rather my husband throw our marriage away over someone that means something to him versus a cheap poa. It reduces the meaning of our marriage to something worth throwing away. Call me crazy but if he's in love with someone else at least that love is worth losing the marriage. Second, health. If he is doing this I have no idea if he's protected. If not he's putting the family in jeopardy.

I will review the credit card statements again. The only high dollar services I found are automotive repairs and flights. I'll look again at the flights because I read an article stating "airport services" are often used for escort billing.

I'm afraid I wont make it till the next business trip. I need him to account for this data. So far he's denying it and using silent "woe is me" contempt. I can't go back and pretend it's ok so I'm going to have to make a decision.
 

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Thank for the tips wiserforit. That helps my research.

I think there are two reasons why escorts are worse than a normal affair or giving one's love to someone (to me at least). Unless a couple sets boundaries stating it's ok to have an open marriage, infidelity kills marriages. I would much rather my husband throw our marriage away over someone that means something to him versus a cheap poa. It reduces the meaning of our marriage to something worth throwing away. Call me crazy but if he's in love with someone else at least that love is worth losing the marriage. Second, health. If he is doing this I have no idea if he's protected. If not he's putting the family in jeopardy.

I will review the credit card statements again. The only high dollar services I found are automotive repairs and flights. I'll look again at the flights because I read an article stating "airport services" are often used for escort billing.

I'm afraid I wont make it till the next business trip. I need him to account for this data. So far he's denying it and using silent "woe is me" contempt. I can't go back and pretend it's ok so I'm going to have to make a decision.
Sure, hon - just wondered. It's betrayal for sure.

Good for you in the research, yeah: auto repairs and airlines both. It's going to be in the hundreds for sure at a minimum for an escort service, and if these are high end joints it coud be more.

If you have a guy friend who can call the escort services up and ask for prices, that would help you. He can ask if they take credit cards and if they fake a name on the invoice like the places he goes to in Reno Nevada. Act like an old hand at this. If you have no guy friend then say you are a sales executive and have some Japanese clients that expect this as a business perk. But you need to keep it all on the down low so you can't use a company phone or reveal the name of the company. You just need to budget this out for three executives, and need to know if the escorts will do role-playing like schoolgirl outfits.

An auto repair is going to have a pretty detailed invoice for labor and parts if it is real, and if you can't find one around the house then the place that did it (if it is real) may have a copy of the invoice. So locate them and call.

Good luck. You're in charge now. Very sorry for your troubles. I love my wife too much to do this, even though she has a fantasy about me doing a stripper. The thought isn't even that appealing to me, but I am pretty sure that the reality would not match the fantasy. Your husband is going to discover that.

A good wife is just way too awesome to risk on something like this. A billion dollars - OK, now we're in the ballpark. But an escort - sheesh.
 
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