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Discussion Starter · #1 · (Edited)
Hi there, my boyfriend and I have been together almost a year. I love him so much and I really do think he could be the one. I hope.

Recently an old best friend of his just came back into his life. He insists they are just friends but it doesn't feel like that to me. For one, she is madly in love with him by all accounts of mutual friends and even her. She even stopped speaking to him when we got together. Apparently, he hadn't told her about us, i met her briefly before she left the party and then she cut him out of her life entirely.

He took it really badly, my guy doesn't show sadness often but he did for this and my heart went out to him, they were really close friends who had traveled the world together. I guess he has been in contact with her and trying to get her back into his life, he says he misses his friend. She finally agreed.

Something feels off to me. Here is why:
For one, my boyfriend didn't tell her about us. She had no idea about me when literally everyone else in his life did. He also never introduced me to her at the party.

He has letters from her and old mix cds and they are definitely more than just friend letters. He refuses to get rid of them.
even though she has been out of his life, he still has her pictures EVERYWHERE and paintings she did for him are up.
He still has a sentimental item of hers that she has asked him to return many many times. It's from her father and means a lot to her. I kept hassling him to just send it to her but he wouldn't and then finally said he was hoping to personally deliver it one day. She lives across the country.

He says her feelings for him are all one sided tho...but then admits on one vacation they did sleep together. They actually met at a club and had dated a little while before deciding to become friends. HIS decision, not hers. On occasion, His friends have even implied that they were more than friends.

Some texts I have seen between them certainly implied more than friends. He recently told her in an email very clearly tho that she was just his friend. She replied that she didn't and wouldn't believe that for a second.

She isn't a delusional person so I don't think she would be the crazy type to do that. Plus my boyfriend like clearly respects her a lot and never says she's crazy or implied that. She has two freaking ivy league degrees, is gorgeous, bought him the truck he has, is a fulbright scholar, and all of our friends adore her. It drives me CRAZY.

Especially now that she is back in his life. He says I love you to her which also drives me crazy. He is the kind of guy to say that to a lot of his friends tho, so idk if I am just reading more into it. I feel like telling her "I love you" knowing how she feels about him isn't ok.

Even though he made it clear they are just friends, I am dreading this girl being back in his life. He is constantly distracted by her and always retelling stories he heard from her or involved her somehow and I know he missed her a lot, but its hard to hear...especially when she does exciting amazing things in her life that I can't even compete with ...

She has also sent him insulting messages about my looks when she has been drunk. He never defended me, he just replied to her: I don't care i still love you. He doesn't know I saw that email but it came up one day on his computer screen. Im upset he didn't defend me.
Every time I try to speak even the littlest badly about her, he always jumps to her defense. Someone who refused to speak to him for an entire year and who insults his girlfriend. Ugh.

Am I crazy? How is this girl just a friend?

Recently, i saw AGAIN on his phone (this caused a huge fight) she sent a text that said: You love me, real or not real?
and he replied "real" and then "I miss you" and then "I'm sorry"

He says that is just as a friend...idk...I mean i want to believe him because there is no reason he would date me if he was really in love with her. She wanted him and if he wanted her, he could have had her. He ruined things with her by dating me. So that's what i cling to when i suspect something. I just am uncomfortable w the friendship and she even agreed to speak to him again as long as he doesn't mention me until she is more comfortable. Like hello I have been with him a YEAR now. but he AGREED TO IT!
 

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It sounds as though he has feelings for his "friend". His behavior towards her is inappropriate.

You're gonna have to draw the line. He needs to choose which camp he's in. He can stop communicating with her, and remove her from his life, and build his life with you. Or he can go be with her.

He can't have you both. They've slept together, and she has feelings for him. She is a threat to his relationship with you, so if he values you more than her, he will cut her off.

I'm sorry you're in this situation. I know it isn't fun.
 

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Discussion Starter · #4 ·
I am not sure I'll be able to stop him from being her friend. He has made it clear before that he won't budge on that. I don't know how to ask him that, and i am also afraid of the response...

It also makes it seem like I don't trust him. Which is what he always says when I get jealous about her
 

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You're not suppose to stop him. You're suppose to let him know that you are uncomfortable with him having such a close relationship with a woman who has strong feelings for him, and who he has previously slept with. He, since he cares for you so much, then responds that he understands, and that he will do whatever you want. It isn't rocket science. If he doesn't get that it's not appropriate to exchange lovey dovey messages with a former lover, then he's got problems.

I'm sorry to say this, but I think you're more invested in this relationship than your boyfriend. Sure, friends are ok to have, but he has crossed the line. Don't let him try to tell you that you're just being jealous or distrusting. He's overstepped the bounds.

Him telling you that he won't give her up just tells you who he values more.

ETA: There is a possibility that he is just an very empathetic person. And that given their close long-standing relationship, he just doesn't want to hurt her. But, even if this is the case, he has to put boundaries in place. The love notes must stop, and he needs to distance himself from her.
 

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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
and yeah he is not distancing himself from her. .. He mentioned today how great it was to talk to her, she will only agree to email for right now bc she says fb and text are too much for her but that today they emailed back and forth about 20 times. She's also sending him and all of their mutual friends over here all these clothes from her movie industry job. I don't want to see him in a shirt she got him...or all his friends too ugh
 

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Yeah, looks to me like your watching a romantic relationship start to grow between them. She's in love with him, and he's trying to keep their relationship alive at the expense of his relationship with you.

Bottom line is that he needs to change directions. You need to sit him down and explain how you feel, and why you feel that way, and ask him to make changes. If he isn't willing to do so, then you'll have to decide whether him nurturing a relationship with a former lover is a deal breaker for you.
 

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Sounds like he is more invested in the relationship with her instead of you.
I hate to say it but if this relationship is already causing you stress it'll just get worse down the road.
I would find someone who actually appreciated me and didn't have a backup waiting in the wings.
Sorry you are in this situation.


Sent from my iPhone
 

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You need to do yourself a favor and find a new bf. If they traveled the world you can be sure they shared more than friendship.

If he's not willing to let her go completely in favor of you, he is not ready for a serious relationship and you're headed for a world of hurt.
 

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I am not sure I'll be able to stop him from being her friend. He has made it clear before that he won't budge on that. I don't know how to ask him that, and i am also afraid of the response...

It also makes it seem like I don't trust him. Which is what he always says when I get jealous about her
Oh sweetie, this is all you need to know.

You can't tell him to cut her off, but you CAN make it clear to him that YOU will walk away because of this ridiculously inappropriate "friendship".

You're not being jealous, you're not over reacting - he's being an idiot.
 

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Discussion Starter · #14 ·
Thanks for all the advice guys. I am glad I don't feel so insane. My boyfriend has always said she was just a friend and i was starting to buy into his twisted logic and couldn't see why it was bothering me so much that she would be around again. Especially after how long he has been begging for her friendship back and dealing with her nasty drunken messages. I wanted to see him resolve it with her but now it feels very uncomfortable. I find myself online posting tons of photos of us happy and together so she will get the hint. He's a private person so he hates that and I can't even get him to post one single photo of us. i think it would be a lot more powerful coming from him, you know? But he doesn't want to hurt her.
 

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Discussion Starter · #15 ·
but why would i be headed for a world of hurt? Do you think he would ever leave her for me? If that were the case, why date me at the start at all? He didn't have to come find me, he didn't have to commit to me.
 

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He is more than just friends with her. He has a strong emotional bond. They have been through a lot together. She may have been there when he dated other women, who have since came and gone.

He is and will devote time and energy to her that really should be yours, should you relationship with him continue? Can you deal with that? She loves him, right? So she is not going to "get the hint". If she has seen other women come and go, she thinks or knows you will just be another one of them. She won't leave.

He might not leave you for her, but he could sleep with her, if you separate or get into big argument? Can you accept that?

Right now you are "just" his girlfriend so he will not give her up. At what point should he give her up? When you get engaged? When you get married? Honest, I think he is right not to cut her out of his life at least until he fully commits to you, which he has not. Right now his friendship with her means more to him than his relationship with you. That is not being mean. It just is. At some point, your relationship will mean more or you and he will split.

Do you see yourself marrying this guy? If not, why ask him to give up his friend? The big question is: Will his continuing relationship with her prevent him from fully committing to you?
 

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but why would i be headed for a world of hurt? Do you think he would ever leave her for me? If that were the case, why date me at the start at all? He didn't have to come find me, he didn't have to commit to me.
Why date you? I believe you said she lives aross the country? My guess is that he likes having the convenience of a girlfriend - for social reasons, and for sex - nearby. However, exactly why he committed to a relationship with you seems fairly irrelevant at this point. The fact of the matter is that he keeps making it abundantly clear that his friend is a higher priority than you are.

I think a more interesting, and relevant to you, question would be why you seem to want a relationship so badly with someone who gives every indication that you're not his priority. You don't appear to want to tell him to choose between you and his friend because you seem to know he'll choose her. But, in fact, he's already choosing her. She's the one who's important to him.

And why have you chosen someone who is so obviously emotionally unavailable to you as the "love of [your] life"?
 

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He is not "the one" as you hoped.

My advice now and for the future is a clear understanding between you and your man once you have agreed on exclusivity. No close opposite gender friends, ever. At best, they can cause unnecessary jealousy and anxiety in your partner. At worst, these "friends" actively work to undermine your relationship and take advantage of moments of your partner's weakness to get them to make a really bad, irreversible mistake. Why do this?

I'm a man. The only thing a female friend can offer me that a man can't is vagina. It would be highly disrespectful of me to spend time with another woman in such context. My wife feels the same way.

For me, this would be a deal breaker. I would suggest you have a direct, open, direct, calm, rational and direct conversation with your man about this. Did I mention being direct? Leave no ambiguity. He must cut all ties to her and limit himself to male friends going forward. If he refuses, move on.

That may sound extreme, but it's really the healthy thing to do. If you are this uneasy now, imagine how you will be when he is confiding in this woman about all the problems in your relationship. You say she is open in her desire for him. How will you feel when he is angry or frustrated with you and turns to her for understanding. It's like giving the fox a crowbar and a map to the hen house.

This isn't about your trust in him. Even if he is true blue and would die before cheating, a woman like this in his life can cause all kinds of friction and trouble. In the words of Nancy Reagan, "Just say no!"
 

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Discussion Starter · #20 ·
Yeah from what I see in her social media, she is convinced he loves her back. I mean she always posts meme or stuff about friends who are actually more than that. She has him blocked on everything but not me. and I find myself posting pics of us as a happy couple so she can get the hint. I even say he is the love of my life on fb. He won't upload any pics of us tho, he says oh he hasn't gotten around to it and once even said he just worried it would hurt her if she saw it and that she had already been through a lot bc of him
 
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