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Hello
I'm Mike I'm 27 years old and I am currently in a long term relationship with my girlfriend. I've known her for 5 years..We are deeply in love. I'm always there for her and she always supports me..and I think that I'm ready to take our relationship to the next level(marriage). I've already planned to propose to her by Christmas(I have already bought a wedding ring WHICH I'm hiding in the house). I have a good career and I earn a decent salary which leaves a good amount of disposable income for me & my girlfriend(she works too-part time)....

Now, I have been to a number of weddings...I see all smiles and kisses but two years down the road it always ends up in family court...and I DON'T always understand why people say vows about caring for each other for the rest of their lives and end up divorcing a few years later.....

I have also heard of a few of my mates complaining about their wives changing and getting bossy and being control freaks once they get married. I even hear some who say, they don't even know what sex is once they got married....

I have even heard stories of guys who got married, divorced and lost everything(wife,house,kids,) and ended up living in a studio apartment whilst paying for all three. And sometimes they even allowed even see their kids.

Don't get me wrong I'm not a pessimistic person. I love my girl I would do anything in the world for her but is standing up on the aisle worth it.... knowing if anything goes wrong I have everything to lose..
My parents have been together for 30 years(since they were 18) and have taught me that marriage is a huge commitment..

I KNOW SHE IS THE RIGHT WOMAN FOR ME, I HAVE NO DOUBT IN MY MIND I WANNA SPEND THE REST OF MY LIFE WITH but... IS MARRIAGE A RISK WORTH TAKING NOWADAYS?
 

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I absolutely think a good marriage it worth it, but I think that there are TONS of people who don't really think about long-term compatibility, shared values, and so on. They rush into marriage without a real idea of what they're signing on for, and they feel let down that it's not a fairy-tale.

After five years, you should have a pretty good idea of what each other's best and worst traits are. If you're still deeply in love, then you've got a high chance of avoiding the kind of problems your mates found.
 

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My marriage is worth it. I don't know if yours will be. There are all different types of marriage.

Do you have passion? Pure passion? I couldn't marry someone without it.

And do you both agree on finances, child rearing and sex?

If not...don't do it.
 

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I don't believe this is something you can weigh on a risk/reward basis. You're not making a business decision, it is a life decision. Marriage, well relationships require work, effort.

How well do you know her hopes, dreams, vision of the future, fears? How well does she know yours? Have you talked about the big things and the little things (e.g. - kids, parenting styles, sharing of finances, responsibilities). Fears & past failures are probably as important an indicator as anything else, because that's what the walls are built with.

And if you don't marry her, then what? Depending on where you live, the consequences of a failed common law marriage can be the same as one with that piece of paper.

You said you KNOW SHE'S THE RIGHT ONE FOR YOU. So the short answer is, yes she should be worth the risk.

People get in cars and drive everyday even though LOTS of people get killed in cars everyday. Not a great analogy, but it does prove the point.
 

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What is the alternative? Break up with the woman who you feel is the one for you? Live your life without ever having a wife, children, family home? What is the lesser evil - having everything then losing it, or never having it at all? The answer to that is not the same for everyone. For me, I'd rather risk pain, hurt, and financial stress and make a commitment to the man I love.

Just don't expect a fairytale ending. Marriages take work - even the best ones.

People tell my husband and I we have the best marriage they know, yet we still have stresses and have to work through our issues - and compromise a lot of the time. But there are a few tricks you can learn along the way to deal with these issues.
 

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are you willing to die for her? will you feel the same way if she was in a wheel chair and you had to spoon feed her? would she stay with you if you lost your job and you both ended up living in a shelter? if you only had one can of food left and nothing left to eat after that, would you give it to her? would you hold her hand walking down the street even if she gained fifty lbs? If she needed to move, would you leave your job and move with her? Are you willing to get on your hands and knees to wash the kitchen floor if she is pregnant and cant? If she was in the hopital for a extended period of time would you stay by her bedside or be out with your friends?
Just a train of thought. for you to think about. Not to say any of the above would happen, but things do happen. Consider if she would do the same for you.
If you both are devoted. Then i dont see why you wouldnt make it personally. Any issue you come accross you should have a good chance of making it through. If your relatioship has never been through a trial of any great loss, disturbance, disagreement. i would be very concerned about going to the next step.
 

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If you plan to have children then the risk is worth the benefit to the children IMO. If no children are involved a benefit vs. risk analysis for only the man doesn't add up. I'm assuming your not religous because you didn't mention it. For some folks marriage is a mandatory sentence handed down by GOD. I tell my son that if he wants to get married he should date women who are capable of making their own money so he won't have to support her if they split up. I have no problem with child support as long as it was in reasonable proportion to my salary. However, in Ca they base the percentage on your gross income which is 30% more then I actually bring home. WTF? When you start to learn the nitty gritty details of how the divorce court system treats financially responsible men in CA you quickly realize that you never want to go there if you can help it. Your wife can decide she wants to bang 10 dudes in your house and divorce you after you freak out. If she's the primary care taker of your child and she doesn't work you will lose your house and have to pay for her new life style with alimony and excessive child support.
 

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It is for me! I think the questions you need to ask are how do the both of you approach problems? Are you able to communicate when both of you are angry? Do the both of you share a similar outlook on marriage? Are you both inclined to work through problems or are they avoided? The answers to those questions will tell you more about your marriage potential lasting power than how you feel now when the times are great.

Good Luck!
 

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You know all those little things you say don't bother you right now but kind of do... You better mean it that they don't bother you, because they can add up. So really examine that u can live with it... Look at her parents, they set the cultural example for marriage. Are you comfortable with that? There are a host of other Q... Though small can add up
 

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Here's an astute article summarizing how marriage laws in the US negatively affect men, thereby dis-incentivizing marriage for men, and incentivizing divorce for women.

You sound like a good man, and I therefore recommend you look at marriage as a business contract because if you live in western society the laws are definitely not in your favor. As a man, you assume a lot for financial risk.

"It probably will not surprise anyone to learn that I’m not a fan of marriage. I believe I’ve said in the past that ill never be married. This statement has been cynically interpreted by some to mean no woman will ever have me, and unflattering to me as that may be, if it’s true, I’ll still be content with the outcome.

In 1970, MS Magazine publisher Robin Morgan wrote about herself and her feminist colleagues, saying: “We can’t destroy the inequities between men and women until we destroy marriage.” I don’t know that marriage has been destroyed since then, but it’s certainly been transformed.

Formerly a social and legal institution affording benefits and protections to men and women, It is increasing regarded by men as a bad risk. Certainly, cooperative and mutually fulfilling marriages still exist, but within marriage and in a marriage’s dissolution, an increasing preponderance of legal and social power belongs to women. That power is subtracted from men in a zero sum game.

This is not movement towards equality of legal rights between men and women, but a movement to an increasing imbalance of rights. Men can see this, as can some women willing to view the world without the ideological lens of radical feminism.

I will not bother to point out divorce statistics, or mention other than in passing that women are the principal beneficiaries of court ordered divorce settlements, as well as the major initiators of divorce. Those arguments have all been made before. I will suggest to individuals that whatever religious or spiritual belief you might have, that you consider marriage as a business contract. Whether a marriage is instantiated through civil or religious ceremony, a contract is what it is. I do not pretend here that a marriage’s validity depends on it being between a man and a woman, or pretend that same sex unions are invalid, but I’ll be focusing on male/female marriages for this discussion.

So, in a male-female marriage, as well as in same sex marriages, what is actually going on is that two people enter a business relationship based on sharing of resources including accommodation, income and responsibilities, and physical and emotional intimacy. One of the problems with this is that the particulars of this shared income and responsibility aren’t detailed or formalized as they would be in any other business partnership.

The financial and personal responsibilities within a marriage are mostly assumed based on historical or traditional roles, combined with whatever modern sensibilities a married couple prefer.

Did you spot the logical fallacy in the previous statement?

A couple cannot prefer anything, only the individuals within a couple can be said to have opinions. A collective is not a person. So already we’re talking about two separate people, who, unless they’re extraordinarily fastidious about documenting their expectations, are almost certainly not in total agreement, whether they realize it or not.

Normal business contracts detail rights and responsibilities of participating individuals, as mentioned, but they also include provisions for the termination of a contract. Sometimes after the contracted agreement has been fully satisfied; sometimes after a period of time. “Till death do us part,” is the popular language describing the term of a marriage, but this is fanciful. Fully half of marriages end in divorce, often in acrimonious circumstance. Issues of adultery, finance, child rearing, employment, psychological or physical violence and even personality conflict can precipitate a break up.

These are all equivalent to the breach of a contract in normal contract law, and contracts normally include penalty clauses for such eventualities. The defaulting party in a normal contract might forfeit shares, assets, employment, or rights obtained through the contract.

Family law as presently constituted doesn’t follow this logic. A legal construct commonly known as no fault divorce allows for the contract of marriage to be dissolved by petition of one party, with no evidentiary inquiry or assessment of default. Addressing this in the terms of a normal contract, this means that if one party to a marriage defaults, by committing adultery, engaging in abusive behaviour, abusing the fiscal assets of the marriage, there is no contractual penalty as there would be in a normal contract. The misbehaving partner has nothing to loose by breaking the assumed terms of the contract. The courts will not consider any actions by a defaulting partner, in the disposition and settlement of familial assets.

Looked at from a purely mercenary view, all advantage lies with the partner breaking the terms of the marriage, whether it’s by sleeping around, defrauding the marriage of assets, abusing the other partner or the children or anything else.

If we consider the tendency of women toward hypergamy [1] it’s understandable that of the 50% of marriages ending in divorce, most of these no fault contractual dissolutions are dissolved by the petition of the female partners.

According to a study published in the American Law and Economics Review, [2] women currently file slightly more than two-thirds of divorce cases in the United States. In the same study indicated that after the introduction of no fault divorce, among college educated couples, women initiated roughly 90% of divorces.

If a man’s financial status, or his income exceeds that of his wife, then she is actually motivated to dissolve the marriage, with or without adding insult to injury by abusing him, sleeping with other men, or other general jackassery on her part. Equal distribution of assets favors the least contributing party. Except when it doesn’t such as when the woman’s financial input exceeds her husband’s. There are cases where court ordered distribution of a dissolving marriage’s assets works in the favor of the man, but lets be honest – this is not usual. Marriage as it exists presently is a contract of advantage in only one direction. As long as the construct of no fault divorce persists in western law, men are now rejecting it, and should increasingly continue to reject it as an institution.

And this society we’re living in, it’s a patriarchy, right?"
 

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Pre-nup.
And pre-marital classes/counseling.

To me,it's not worth it.then again,I'm divorced and probably have clouded judgment because of that.

To others,being married is the most beautiful and valued thing you can do with your life aside from being a parent.

Every person is different. You have to decide if it's worth it to YOU.No one else should be able to sway your opinion on the matter if it's truly worth it to you.
 

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It is a huge commitment. I didn't realise until I was married just what it would imply.

It implies that many decisions will depend on your partner's input and situation (not that she will dictate, but you can't even go away for a weekend without being sure it won't impact her). It also means if you have had a life seeking a woman to marry, that needs to stop dead. In other words you may find you have to change some deep habitual ways of thinking about life.
 

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Hello
I'm Mike I'm 27 years old and I am currently in a long term relationship with my girlfriend. I've known her for 5 years..We are deeply in love. I'm always there for her and she always supports me..and I think that I'm ready to take our relationship to the next level(marriage). I've already planned to propose to her by Christmas(I have already bought a wedding ring WHICH I'm hiding in the house). I have a good career and I earn a decent salary which leaves a good amount of disposable income for me & my girlfriend(she works too-part time)....

Now, I have been to a number of weddings...I see all smiles and kisses but two years down the road it always ends up in family court...and I DON'T always understand why people say vows about caring for each other for the rest of their lives and end up divorcing a few years later.....

I have also heard of a few of my mates complaining about their wives changing and getting bossy and being control freaks once they get married. I even hear some who say, they don't even know what sex is once they got married....

I have even heard stories of guys who got married, divorced and lost everything(wife,house,kids,) and ended up living in a studio apartment whilst paying for all three. And sometimes they even allowed even see their kids.

Don't get me wrong I'm not a pessimistic person. I love my girl I would do anything in the world for her but is standing up on the aisle worth it.... knowing if anything goes wrong I have everything to lose..
My parents have been together for 30 years(since they were 18) and have taught me that marriage is a huge commitment..

I KNOW SHE IS THE RIGHT WOMAN FOR ME, I HAVE NO DOUBT IN MY MIND I WANNA SPEND THE REST OF MY LIFE WITH but... IS MARRIAGE A RISK WORTH TAKING NOWADAYS?
I love this post. You remind me of me, 20 years ago. We lived together for 5 years... frankly - I was getting the vibe at that point that if I didnt pop the question - she might bail on me. ;-) I was 28 when I proposed.

You know the deal. You know the stats. You have seen busted marriages and successful ones - and even the 'happy' marriages have their problems right?

Laugh.

Let me tell you - it is worth the chance. You are old enough, and wise enough - you have waited enough - you seem smart and grounded. WTF are you waiting for?

You are going to propose - she is going to say yes, you are going to get married and be gloriously happy for a while. You are going to have challenges and fights, and happiness and closeness too. The honeymoon may eventually end in 10 years or so and you may settle down into the long slow smolder of comfortable, attached and bonded pair. You will both change and grow and at some point you may be pleasantly surprised at how much pleasure you get simply from being together and watching your spouses little successes in life as well as your own. You may have kids. You may not. You will figure it out.

She will also drive you nuts and make you crazy and you will do the same to her. You might have some seriously rough patches. Its not all sunshine and rainbows. And thats fine. Learning to accept people and all of their parts is a big part of it.

Your entire life is in front of you - you have a chance, take it. Throw yourself into it and relish it like you were both going to be killed in a trainwreck next week. Let fly. Full steam ahead.. know what I mean? Nobody can predict the future. Personally - it is the best decision I ever made.

'Is marriage worth risking these days.' Yep.
 

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I love this post. You remind me of me, 20 years ago. We lived together for 5 years... frankly - I was getting the vibe at that point that if I didnt pop the question - she might bail on me. ;-) I was 28 when I proposed.

You know the deal. You know the stats. You have seen busted marriages and successful ones - and even the 'happy' marriages have their problems right?

Laugh.

Let me tell you - it is worth the chance. You are old enough, and wise enough - you have waited enough - you seem smart and grounded. WTF are you waiting for?

You are going to propose - she is going to say yes, you are going to get married and be gloriously happy for a while. You are going to have challenges and fights, and happiness and closeness too. The honeymoon may eventually end in 10 years or so and you may settle down into the long slow smolder of comfortable, attached and bonded pair. You will both change and grow and at some point you may be pleasantly surprised at how much pleasure you get simply from being together and watching your spouses little successes in life as well as your own. You may have kids. You may not. You will figure it out.

She will also drive you nuts and make you crazy and you will do the same to her. You might have some seriously rough patches. Its not all sunshine and rainbows. And thats fine. Learning to accept people and all of their parts is a big part of it.

Your entire life is in front of you - you have a chance, take it. Throw yourself into it and relish it like you were both going to be killed in a trainwreck next week. Let fly. Full steam ahead.. know what I mean? Nobody can predict the future. Personally - it is the best decision I ever made.

'Is marriage worth risking these days.' Yep.
:iagree:

Well said. One of my favorite quotes applies to your decision to marry even though it was made in the context of surfing:

I don't want to not live because of my fear of what could happen. - Laird Hamilton
 

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another, if you want to start tossing philosophical quotes around... :D

"...I wished to live deliberately, to front only the essential facts of life, and see if I could not learn what it had to teach, and not, when I came to die, discover that I had not lived. I did not wish to live what was not life, living is so dear; nor did I wish to practise resignation, unless it was quite necessary. I wanted to live deep and suck out all the marrow of life, to live so sturdily and Spartan-like as to put to rout all that was not life, to cut a broad swath and shave close, to drive life into a corner, and reduce it to its lowest terms, and, if it proved to be mean, why then to get the whole and genuine meanness of it, and publish its meanness to the world; or if it were sublime, to know it by experience, and be able to give a true account of it in my next excursion." - Thoreau
 

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You bet it's worth it! Every moment of it too.

I've been married over 12 years and we are still madly in love with each other. We also put our marriage as our number 1 priority and meet each others needs.
 
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