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Im not trying to displace blame or anger, but group of ppl i find myself having a strong dislike for are the ones who knew what was going on and didn't tell me. Is that so wrong?

They all have reasons for it, they even seem somewhat legitimate. Its basically "it wasn't my place to tell you."

Maybe they're right but screw that. I don't care what reason they had. These were people who pretended to be my friends and they were hiding this terrible secret from me that was very relevant to my life and absolutely 100% my business.

Anyone else feel this way? Im debating telling someone about his gf's activities soon. Hes not a close friend but i know him a little bit. Saw him at the store a few days ago and i thought he has his girl were split up, and i happen to know shes been sleeping around lately. But when i talked with him he said they were doing great and still together. Im thinking of telling him....
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Oh wow, I'd drop those people from my life IMMEDIATELY. They are certainly NOT your friends!! I'd probably hate them forever if they knew what was going on and didn't tell me! You certainly are justified for disliking them! Go at it Jadiel!

Also, Tell that "someone" about the gf's activities. Expose them all. They deserve every bit of it.
 

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Not wrong at all.

Not their "place" to tell you what was going on? Geez, what about an anonymous note or something?? How would they feel if it were YOU who knew what was going on behind THEIR backs? Well, they have their chance to find out. I would do it anonymously, but I certainly wouldn't keep it from them. Obviously, you know how awful that feels.
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I had a simliar issue. My WW confessed early on in to a mutual friend that she was talking to a guy. We are close friends with the mutual and her husband. My wife is closer to the wife, obviously, than I am but they together are probably our closest couple friends. The wife never told the husband either and he was just as pissed off as I was when we found out she knew.

I found out she knew because I went to the husband because I needed someone to talk to. He promised he wouldn't tell his wife and he didn't. The wife kept sticking up for my WW and so the husband asked if he could tell her the secret and I agreed. When he told her he was shocked to know she already knew.

Up until that point my WW would say "tell everyone I don't care" but then changed her tune when she knew I told the husband.

Anyway - the friends should have told you. It's not their place to tell you is such a cowardly cop-out. If they were in a house fire and you knew about it, would they accept that excuse if you didn't alert them to get out of the house?
 

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No you are not wrong to be mad. I always tell people to inform if you know what is going on. That person may be mad or even hate you for awhile, but in the end they will thank you. I have always hated the "it's not my place". What complete and utter bullcrap.
 

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Not wrong in my opinion. Cut away the people in your life that aren't friends.

Before my WW started her PA she was doing some pretty inappropriate stuff around the cast and crew of a school production. Enough so that one student thought they were in an A. No one said a word to me- in fact my WW told me about the rumor. After the latest exposure I've had one student come to me to say she thought WW was acting sketchy, but she didn't say anything to me at the time.

When my WW was in affair Phase 1, I think four people knew. WW, OM, OMsGF, and a good friend of hers, one of my students. It was up to OMsGF to tell me- the other student was afraid to tell me.

When WW went underground after Dday1, quite a few people knew. Among them were two students that were actually condoning/helping the affair partners. OMsXGF knew (and ultimately told me again) plus another student that knew and tried to get my WW to come clean before I found out. Sadly, her advice was not taken.

So, I saw a variety. Two students that helped the A. One tried to apologize later, but her first words were "I shouldn't have told <name> that they had sex", not "I'm sorry that I helped your wife meet up with OM and ruined your family." I'm guessing the other is scared sh!tless of me right now and has protected OM as best he could the two times we interacted via phone and text. I consider him one of my worst enemies.

One student was loyal to my WW, and tried to advise her to do the right thing. Another student was paralyzed by fear of what could happen. Lastly, the OMsXGF is the only person I could really count on, but she waited a few days at least to tell me each time she had confirmed something.

There's a few others that knew about the A but there's no reason they would have told me. I've had to leverage a few people to get to the bottom of things. Luckily my WW, the OM, and their fvcking idiot friends can't keep their mouths shut to save themselves.

I think it is almost always best to tell the BS what you know, I wish someone had told me. Feeling alone and in the dark when everyone else seems to know is horrible.
 

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Im not trying to displace blame or anger, but group of ppl i find myself having a strong dislike for are the ones who knew what was going on and didn't tell me. Is that so wrong?

They all have reasons for it, they even seem somewhat legitimate. Its basically "it wasn't my place to tell you."

Maybe they're right but screw that. I don't care what reason they had. These were people who pretended to be my friends and they were hiding this terrible secret from me that was very relevant to my life and absolutely 100% my business.

Anyone else feel this way? Im debating telling someone about his gf's activities soon. Hes not a close friend but i know him a little bit. Saw him at the store a few days ago and i thought he has his girl were split up, and i happen to know shes been sleeping around lately. But when i talked with him he said they were doing great and still together. Im thinking of telling him....
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^^ This can relate to

An affair causes tons of collateral damage. After my DDay Fallout I soon realized several people in my circle of friends new about the EA and subsequent PA and choose not to say anything. I now understand these people where never my friends. They never apologized for their actions. I will never speak to these people ever again. If I happen to see them in a public place I will politely give them the bird.

I have more disdain and hatred for them than I do for my WH. In my eyes they facilitated the affair by choosing to not say or do anything. This speaks volumes about their character. They are cowards.
I truly feel like they were waiting on the sidelines for the bomb to explode knowing full well what was going to happen. Silently laughing at my expense.

I have more triggers over them than anything else.

After DDay I realized who my true friends really are. They called me day and night, gave me a shoulder to cry on, and supported me emotionally through my darkest days. They showed true character and I am proud to have them in my life.

ETA: before you tell him you must be 100% sure she was sleeping around while they were exclusive. Otherwise you will come off as spreading harmful gossip. Also, maybe he already knows, but since your not a close friend.....

Maybe an anonymous text or letter would be best.
 

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I found out that a friend of mine had cheated on his wife. I told him: "Look, she is bound to find out. The way you did it is public knowledge. If you don't tell her, someone else will. You'd best tell her today."

So he did. Would I have outed him? Yes. I would. She was carrying their first child and he had sex with her bff. I was disgusted by what he'd done.

Eventually, he left his wife (carrying his twins) for the OW.
 

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When my fWH started his affair all those years ago, his mother & sister knew.
His sister was renting my house off me, knowing her brother, my husband was in love with another woman.
His mother, the grandmother of my children, knew her son was planning on breaking up our family.
Did either of them give me a heads up & a chance to change what happened? No.
Do I still feel resentment about this? Damn right I do.
Their excuses - didn't know how to tell you.. Not my place to interfere..
After that experience, I know that if I was aware of a friend or relative having an affair or even contemplating an affair, I would sit down with the SO & give them a heads up. No question.
To do anything else is to condone the affair, basically, to offer your support to the WS.
 

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Im not trying to displace blame or anger, but group of ppl i find myself having a strong dislike for are the ones who knew what was going on and didn't tell me. Is that so wrong?

They all have reasons for it, they even seem somewhat legitimate. Its basically "it wasn't my place to tell you."

Maybe they're right but screw that. I don't care what reason they had. These were people who pretended to be my friends and they were hiding this terrible secret from me that was very relevant to my life and absolutely 100% my business.

Anyone else feel this way? Im debating telling someone about his gf's activities soon. Hes not a close friend but i know him a little bit. Saw him at the store a few days ago and i thought he has his girl were split up, and i happen to know shes been sleeping around lately. But when i talked with him he said they were doing great and still together. Im thinking of telling him....
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These people are not your friends. Lose them and find friends who truly care for you and have your best interests in mind.

Tell your friend about his gf's activities. Don't do the same thing that was done to you. You know how that feels, right?
 

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It's so hard to tell people when you know something ****ty is going on. You always hope someone in the couple will find out/tell...so you wait. And wait. And wait more...thinking it will rectify itself. Then it does and then you get blamed for knowing but not telling.

Maybe they were hoping it could be worked out on it's own...in its own timing.

Just another view point.
 

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Thankfully I've never been put in that situation...

But here's how I see things if I knew something...

1) I can tell them...
Result A) they accept it, and do the work to address their situation
Result B) they themselves, never suspected it, with no hard evidence they believe you're lying or delusional, and trying to split up their happy home

2) not tell...
Result A) they find out, they also find out you knew, now you're no longer friends
Result B) maybe there's a chance they're glad you didn't intervene... But that's highly unlikely

So, my conclusion, maybe you're damned if you do, definitely damned if you don't...

So my thing would be to tread lightly... Maybe a "I don't mean to be in your business, but something doesn't seem right about Mr./Mrs. X. I think you should look into this."... An attempt to lead them down the path to discovery....

But remember, everyone has their reasons, good or bad...
 

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Unless it were a close friend of mine....... that is the kind of friend with whom I can talk to about anything, I may or may not say anything. If I saw some hard evidence, maybe I would say something such as "I saw your husband at the pub last Saturday." Let the wife assess whether she knew he was going to be there or not.

Of course, someone who can't give you a heads up is not a close friend. So, it's up to you as to whether you want / need to keep that person in your life. And well, how you want to handle them going forward.

Not ot highjack your threadbut.... when I saw the title, I thought of yet another ripple in these matters and that is, those who give you awful advice..... sometimes because they either have something at stake in the immediate situation or just in general.

For example, I came here to deal with an EA. My experience now is that many women will call you jealous and insecure (among other things) because a lot of women like having male friends. Maybe, there's another reason, please tell me if so.

Anyway, people who give you poor advice and you get the feeling that they had something at stake for telling you that, well these are people whose friendship you need to reassess as well.
 
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