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Discussion Starter · #1 · (Edited)
i recently caught my husband calling and texting escorts for "massages" he says he didn't sleep with anyone but that is so hard to believe i found 45 different escort numbers in our online phone service bill this is within the course of 1 month. he started this two weeks after i had our second child. we had had sex twice since i have healed so I went and got an STD test yesterday. Every escort didn't respond to his calls or text but he did have conversations with probably 10 of them. I saw 4 texts where he gets the escorts address and then text them "I'm here" or "i will be there"... I wrote out a long statement of the terms i need him to agree to in order for us to start reconciliation process this is what i asked for (he says its too much to ask):
i need all your email passwords... your cell phone password...you bank account statements from july-sept OR the bank account password... gps tracker app on your cell phone... both credit card statements need to be paper statements that come to the house OR i need the passwords...he is not allowed to hang out with any of his friends for 3 months because he needs to be with his family... he has to go to counseling with me and we have to begin by November 1st, he found the escorts on the porn sites he was on and saw the link for local girls and clicked on it. I have caught him jerking off a few times but i had no idea he was addicted. so i want him to talk about porn addiction and lies/trust and he has anger issues (knocking stuff off of counters hitting himself.. etc).... i want him to get an STD test... and i told him these are my conditions if he wants me to stay and try to fix this

He said im asking wayy too much and he doesnt want to give me any bank or credit card password because if he does i will just leave him anyway so its no point. he said he doesnt need to talk to the counselor about porn addiction because he has been "healed from it" he only wants to go to counseling for his anger because he "isnt addicted to porn"... he doesnt want to take an STD test because he says he didnt have sex with anyone and he "knows" he is clean. he said that since i took a test that will let him know if he has anything... He is instead offering to change and to be the best man he can ever be basically my B**** he said he will keep the gps on his phone he wont give me his email passwords or banking passwords, he will not go out with his friends and he will go to counseling for anger only. he says im bullying him

i told him that these were my terms and he keeps talking in circles to me because he doesn't agree. this shows me he isnt willing to work on it but he keeps saying he is changed and he will do whatever he can to make it right... but he just cant do what im asking of him... he has even fixed his mouth to say im a scarred woman and no man wants a scarred woman and to let him heal me.. then he started talking about i didnt show him affection trying to flip it on me...wow

anyway is this too much to ask i thought it was rather simple
 

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He said im asking wayy too much and he doesnt want to give me any bank or credit card password because if he does i will just leave him anyway so its no point.
Because that is where the most damaging evidence is. he does not want you to see how much he was paying them etc.
 

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Nope, not too much. You are asking for exactly what you is normally suggested in this type of situation.

He told you it all..... "He said im asking wayy too much and he doesnt want to give me any bank or credit card password because if he does i will just leave him anyway so its no point."

He's admitted to doing a lot more than you know about and spending a lot more than you imagine on massage girls/prostitutes.

What he does not seem to realize is that if you file for divorce you can ask for his bank statements back several years.

You can ask the court to award to you an amount equivalent to what he spent on his cheating. if you do this, have your attorney to directly to the banks/ccard companies for the statements. And if you are in fault state you can also file based on adultery.
 

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My stbxh was always talking about strippers, it was REALLY weird.. I mean how many times can a wife hear 20 stripper stories in a row?

I later found out he was going to strip clubs ALL the time... some people would say it's no big deal. To me it was.

This escort things is waaaaaaay out of line, I 100% think you are correct.

Are you not on the cards for some reason? No mutual accounts?
That is bad if you are SAHM, but if you both work you still should know where the money is going.

Honestly? If he doesn't change then I would suggest you speak to an attorney and consider your options. I would be scared of STD's and of course the cheating :(
 

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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
we have a joint account but his paycheck isnt deposited in there so he has to transfer money into my account all the time and its annoying to have to ask for extra money to buy groceries because he didnt send enough.. he has always been stingy with money and i am a SAHM and i am constantly telling him i cant afford to have an emergency unless he is near his phone or a computer to transfer me money... I am going to see if i can go speak to someone tomorrow on base about this
 

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You are not asking for too much.

Your husband is continuing to hide because he has a reason. Either he was doing more than what you know of, or he is continuing to do it. I suspect it's both.

He doesn't want to be transparent or admit to the porn addiction/sex addiction or even just consider it because he doesn't want to change or work on himself.

He has given you lip-service with no actions. Actions speak louder than words. "Let me heal you." Means, "Let's rug-sweep my use of prostitutes and all of my cheating and you get over it as quick as possible."

By telling you that you're a scarred woman, and that no man will want a scarred woman is an attempt to lower your self-esteem and your resolve. If you're afraid you can't do any better, you won't. If you believe he is as good as it gets, he will be. Verbal assaults like these are intended to break you so you will doubt yourself and lower your worth to the price that he puts on it (which isn't much). If he accomplishes that, he doesn't have to change. Don't fall for it (easier said than done).

As things are now, there is no hope for a healthy or successful R. Your hubby needs to wake up or you need a divorce. I really love Ele's advice and Bunny's follow through in her own life. It's not enough but it's a little just dessert for what they/you've been through.
 

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we have a joint account but his paycheck isnt deposited in there so he has to transfer money into my account all the time and its annoying to have to ask for extra money to buy groceries because he didnt send enough.. he has always been stingy with money and i am a SAHM and i am constantly telling him i cant afford to have an emergency unless he is near his phone or a computer to transfer me money... I am going to see if i can go speak to someone tomorrow on base about this
On base? He's in the military? They don't do divorces. You need to get a civilian attorney.. one who is very familiar with military divorce issues.
 

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A soldier? This will not go over well at the JAG office. Affairs are punishable under the UCMJ. He might not like that.
If she is going to divorce him, she might want to think twice about doing anything to hurt his military career.
 

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Discussion Starter · #13 ·
Now he is saying ok ok I slept with 10-12 women and spent around $5000 but he is still refusing to give me the bank/credit card and email passwords... he is saying he wants to go to counseling immediately and he wants to talk about his porn/sex addiction
It just makes no since it seems like just more cover up I feel like I married the dumbest fool ever and I have just wasted 5 yrs of my life... What is counseling going to do if you aren't completely transparent with me?
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Welcome to trickle truth. this is how it goes. WS usually only admit to either what you find out or.. just enough so that they think they satisfy your need for some info. This is most likely the tip of the iceberg. Until you get those bank/credit card statements you will not now what he's been up to. And even then, those things will only show the ones he had to pay for and was stupid enough to use an account to pay.

A lot of people with true sex addictions know of places in town to have free sex with wiling people. Craigslist is a site they use to meet people for free casual sex. Then there are websites for hookups. Not meaning to scare you but this could be a very deep rabbit hole.

You are right, marriage counseling will not do a thing unless he opens up his entire secret life to you AND he goes to counseling for his personal issues as well.
 

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Now he is saying ok ok I slept with 10-12 women and spent around $5000 but he is still refusing to give me the bank/credit card and email passwords... he is saying he wants to go to counseling immediately and he wants to talk about his porn/sex addiction
It just makes no since it seems like just more cover up I feel like I married the dumbest fool ever and I have just wasted 5 yrs of my life... What is counseling going to do if you aren't completely transparent with me?
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In the military, counseling can be used as a scapegoat. I saw it numerous times and had a close friend that used that as a way out. When he was up for court martial proceedings, they were able to show that he voluntarily checked himself in to seek treatment, and this is the boards opinion was a recognition of his issues and resulted in a lower finding, as the counseling was seen as recognition and ownership of an issue and a basic form of punishment. It was kind of like a double jeopardy, where the charges and offenses were lessened as the road to recovery was already started. Also in certain situations, it is illegal to punish a person when they have a self admitted affliction and are actively seeking help for it. Lots of companies do this with drugs. As long as the employee admitted it and was seeking assistance for the issue on their own before they were caught, then they can't have it held against them as long as they are in the program and actively working towards resolution, now once they leave the program or stop following the program they can be held fully accountable.
 

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Discussion Starter · #16 ·
He gave me the passwords and its way more than I thought. He went on a spending spree one weekend 2860 at a stripclub 2530 one night and 330 a different night and 1200 at a casino the same night he spent 2530. He spent a total of about $5000 that includes the escorts this started july 8th the escorts started August 6th I believe he paid strippers for sex because that's a s**t load of money. Then I find out he has been lying about bills he paid off our car and didn't tell me! I get s**t from him if groceries cost $220. He cried and cried he has agreed to anything i want... I'm getting the car in my name, I'm getting access to all the money, I have every password (bank/credit card/email), i have a gps tracker on his cellphone, I have his cellphone password, I have copies of phone records and bank statements printed out sitting on top of the divorce papers.... I really really want to take my kids and leave his lying cheating dirty A** I have all the evidence and its soooo hard to sit and think about staying I feel like I'm stupid if I stay... sigh we have a counseling session next Tuesday...I'm just so upset thanks for listening guys
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He gave me the passwords and its way more than I thought. He went on a spending spree one weekend 2860 at a stripclub 2530 one night and 330 a different night and 1200 at a casino the same night he spent 2530. He spent a total of about $5000 that includes the escorts this started july 8th the escorts started August 6th I believe he paid strippers for sex because that's a s**t load of money. Then I find out he has been lying about bills he paid off our car and didn't tell me! I get s**t from him if groceries cost $220. He cried and cried he has agreed to anything i want... I'm getting the car in my name, I'm getting access to all the money, I have every password (bank/credit card/email), i have a gps tracker on his cellphone, I have his cellphone password, I have copies of phone records and bank statements printed out sitting on top of the divorce papers.... I really really want to take my kids and leave his lying cheating dirty A** I have all the evidence and its soooo hard to sit and think about staying I feel like I'm stupid if I stay... sigh we have a counseling session next Tuesday...I'm just so upset thanks for listening guys
He's in the military. Where did he get money to spend like that?
 

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He's in the military. Where did he get money to spend like that?
I can only think of a few things. He is a high ranking officer with lots of time in, in a job in high demand that pays nice re-enlistment bonuses, or he is doing something illegal like selling himself or drugs on the side. I have seen all of the above when I was in.
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Our savings account had $16000 in it
I guess it does not any more. So he went through most if not all your savings. I confess, I did not add it all up but seems like a good guess.
 
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