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Discussion Starter #1
My fiance and I have been going through hard times for about 2 months now. Obviously I have posted on this before. She has a list of things she feels I need to "man up" on. I agree and have been working hard to resolve some of my issues. However, I have explained to her very firmly, several times now that SHE has a LOT to work on too like a TOTAL lack of communication, no intimacy, *****y attitude towards the family in general, etc. I feel I have put lots of hours into research, typing, talking to her, etc. All things she has NOT done.

2 months now. We got a sitter last night, took her out for a quick dinner and drinks, then went to the grocery store together. Maybe I am expecting too much but my GD blood is just boiling today. Just some small kisses this morning from her. No sex, no hugs, no intimacy, no nothing. When I hug her, there is not much coming back. I am SICK of feeling neglected and clearly explained to her that HER lack of anything in this relationship is what harbors MY resentment and thus I have ZERO drive to do **** for her. I am seriously wondering now if she just needs a man that will do everything for her and expect nothing back. I am just not that guy.

Just asking from perspectives of married partners out there at what point in the "reconciliation" phase should a guy finally get some slack? I am getting close to just ending this joke of a one sided reconciliation.
 

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DO NOT MARRY HER! She is not for you. There shouldn't be this many issues BEFORE marriage. DO NOT DO IT.

Don't do it, man. MAN UP and leave her. Now.
 

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I feel I have put lots of hours into research, typing, talking to her, etc. All things she has NOT done.

I am SICK of feeling neglected and clearly explained to her that HER lack of anything in this relationship is what harbors MY resentment and thus I have ZERO drive to do **** for her.

Just asking from perspectives of married partners out there at what point in the "reconciliation" phase should a guy finally get some slack? I am getting close to just ending this joke of a one sided reconciliation.
Well, I think you have performed the post-mortem pretty thoroughly in your post. You feel your needs haven't been met for some time. It sounds to me like you have explained your perspective to your gf numerous times. I think it's time to pull the plug; you have expended enough energy trying to resuscitate the relationship.

So to answer your question regarding your "joke" of a one-sided reconciliation: When the pain of staying exceeds the pain of leaving, you will leave.
 
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Nobody here knows if you should really end this relationship.

We only hear your side.

With that being said, if I had problems/issues before marriage, I am smart enough to know that a legal piece of paper isn't going to solve them.
 

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Discussion Starter #5 (Edited)
I guess I am not really referring to the marriage right now. It has been made very apparent in my mind that this whole thing has been a hollow log of a relationship. She either lacks the ability to reciprocate love due to her upbringing, or she cannot do it with me. Either way, I am not real sure I give a **** any more. As I told her before, it really seems she will again keep the cold heart closed until I stop trying, then complain about how I don't act like I want to be around her. NOPE, I don't...Not like this.

I guess I was simply asking from anyone here that has been through marital issues (we have been together and engaged a LONG time), how long it might take to get things going the right way? It is not like either party cheated, or there was some grave circumstance.

For those that might not be up to speed. together 11 yrs, engaged for 3. Have 2 kids together. IMO, engaged does not really say it right. This is sort of a marital issue. She is pissed that we are not married but she lacks the ability to talk so I never know anything. I am supposed to guess and guess right. She is cold, does not put out, does not touch me and acts very independent. My love language tests showed a 12 for me on physical touch. I NEED it to feel good. She seems to lack the ability to care about ANYONE'S needs but her own. Her whole damn family is like this though. She is a very thoughtful mother but I am now starting to suspect she does things for them because SHE enjoys that feeling, not really for the kids. I guess I am questioning her motives anymore.

EXAMPLE - I took her to the hospital and we were there 3 days with a dangerous UTI. Though her mother and her were on decent terms, her own mother did not even visit her in the hospital because she was "so busy with work".... WTF!!!!!! My alarm is going off big time here.

EXAMPLE - Her father was dying (head injury) in the hospital 100 miles away. Her brother said he had to work but will try to get there the next day!!!!!! Am I screwed up or does this whole F'N family got serious issues???

Thing is, she openly realizes the issues with other family members but does not realize she sort of acts just like them. I seriously have a concern that if I am dying, I will need to call my brother or parents for help. She might "need to work".
 

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You've been engaged a LONG time, you say.

Marriage probably isn't happening.

I just think it's way too much drama to deal with when you aren't legally bound. Even then it's too much, but there's more 'there' to want to fix it, imo.
 

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Discussion Starter #8
maybe that is a woman's mentality that I am trying to learn and understand but I very much fail to see how ANY piece of paper or "legality" could make any difference is how two hearts jive. I made a commitment. She obviously did not because she took the ring off one day and did not even have the courtesy to discuss the matter before it got that bad, etc.

She has said several times "she would have felt more if married" but in another post, I asked that very question, and the answer was clear, ain;t nothing really going to change in marriage except she will put out even less, I will cheat, she will call me a deadbeat, we will divorce, that is it...

At least, that is how I see it. Is 2mo long enough to try and work this out?
 

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Is 2mo long enough to try and work this out?
It's entirely your call. I could tell you how long I tolerated sh!t from my exH, but I was suffering from codependency and a host of other issues. Heck, I put up with my ex's abuse for about 7 or 8 years.

Today? I would have walked out the door as soon as the first red flag unfurled in my face. I don't tolerate crap from men any longer.

But that is ME. Nobody here can tell you how long you should try to work on this relationship. I haven't heard the other person's side of this situation. I don't know you.

You have to follow your own feelings, your own gut instincts, and let go when, and if, you feel it's for the best. JMO, but it sounds like your partner has checked out of the relationship already.

Maybe you should be asking why you stay. After all, the only one you can control in this situation is you. Stay as long as you feel there is still something worth saving. If you don't give a hoot any longer, then leave.
 
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Get out,

Repair yourself,

Be happy
 

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This sounds like a family with a narcissistic parent somewhere in the mix. If so, it can feel like a twilight zone experience much of the time as you watch them interact - they are all used to making decisions solely for themselves & their sense of social decorum is unlike anything you are used to.

Two months is ridiculous. You are right to say that this is a marital issue, given your circumstances. Since you have children together, you can't easily 'break' the engagement and leave.

What your gf is doing doesn't quite qualify as abuse, but it is serious disrespect. No relationship can work with one partner treating the other that way.

If your question is as simple as it sounds & you really just want to know if people agree that you should finish this, then the answer is 'yes.' Because of your long history and children together, it won't be easy, but you shouldn't allow yourself to be treated with such a blatant lack of caring and respect.
 
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