[lonleyandlost]

Hi...I am new to TAM and have debated on posting what is going on in my marriage. After reading several threads that are very similar to my situation I decided to go ahead with it as I could really use some advice.

First some background for you. My H & I were just married in February of this year. We have been together 9 years and living together for 5 years. We do not have any children.

We have always had our ups and downs like other couples but the last couple of years have been particularly bad especially the last 3 months. We keep having the same arguments over and over. I really believe it is due to the fact that we have many different beliefs and values. I had convinced myself that I could accept these differences because I really loved him and wanted the life that went along with him (Good friends, family, and the community we live in).

However, my H disrepects me on a daily basis. I have allowed myself to become his doormat. I have expressed my feelings to him more times than I can count and he always responds that it is my problem and not his to deal with. When I finally get fed up and really take a stand for myself he always says he understands and things will improve for a couple of weeks. There is never an apology or much effort to show me that he will improve. Then it's right back to where we started.

I am not anywhere near the top of his list of priorities. He is never home and will never commit to spending time with me. He works lots if OT for his job and when he's not working he consumes himself with all of the outdoor activities he loves. I know he is not having an affair, it's not in his blood. I have always suported the things he enjoys doing but he makes me feel guilty for doing the things I enjoy. Mainly because he feels that everything I enjoy "is a waste of money." Mind you all of our finances are seperate.

There is not one shred of a sex life left. It's the same cycle over and over again for this as well. I never receive any sort of affection from him unless I earn it. Everything is conditional with him. Yet his explanation for all if our problems is the lack of sex we have. He always says he will treat me better if I were to have sex with him more often. I have given into this theory many times hoping that things will improve and they never do. So now since I don't receive any affection and know things won't get better I refuse to have sex with him.

It's gotten to the point where I feel like I'm in this marriage alone. I am tired of being the one who is fighting for it. I make my own plans and dream of having my own place where I can live life again.

I told him that I was to the point of leaving about two weeks ago. This seemed to wake him up. He has agrreed to go to MC and we had our first session last week. I honestly feel like this will be a waste of time because he won't be able to make the improvements I need him to. I am going to try to give it a fair chance but I feel so hopeless. I feel about 70% sure that I am ready to leave and move on. Disappointment and shame that I would feel from others are the main reasons I feel like I can't let go.

Any advice anyone has I'd appreciate. Thanks in advance.


to have sex with him jjh fo iiagain for this as well.

 

[lonleyandlost]

Sorry for the last line...my tablet is not cooperating and would not let me delete it.

 

[Trying2figureitout]

When husbands withhold sex from wives the issues are usually too deep to reconcile. Sorry.
Think about it guys love sex but he doesn't with YOU. probably resents you.

Give him one chance then get ready to bolt. You need to get to 100% ready to bolt.
You deserve better plenty of guys to choose from.

 

[MrK]

When I finally get fed up and really take a stand for myself he always says he understands and things will improve for a couple of weeks. There is never an apology or much effort to show me that he will improve. Then it's right back to where we started.

Does that "stand" including packing a bag and walking out the door? Then going dark for a few weeks? Does that "stand" include scaring the CRAP out of him? Does it include making it 100% obvious that you are serious?

Didn't think so. Otherwise you wouldn't have written this: "Then it's right back to where we started".

Scare the s.h.i.t out of him. And it won't be a bluff. If he doesn't fix it, you're gone. You are too young to live like this.

No kids. That's an easy one.

 

[SlowlyGettingWiser]

I think you need to read up on co-dependency (book called "Co-dependent No More"), google the subject matter and get yourself educated.

Why not see a therapist YOURSELF (alone) for 3-4 sessions and see if s/he can shed any light on your situation: what you want, what is/isn't achievable in this relationship, how to move forward (with/without him), etc. In a few sessions you can learn A LOT about yourself and it may help you decide what your next move REALLY SHOULD BE.

 

[Emerald]

It sounds like you are a tick in the box for him.

Job - tick
Hobbies - tick
Wife - tick.

You are not his top priority. He wanted a wife & once he got one, he's free to work & play as much as he wants & not worry about finding a wife.

He HATES when you bring up your feelings & issues with the marriage so he disrespects you & withholds affection to get you to stop.

He agreed to MC because he doesn't want to lose you & untick one of his boxes.

I think he may be a narcissist.

 

[lonleyandlost]

Thank you for the advice so far.

Bottom line...I am terrified to let go. All of the uncertainties that go along with leaving is why I end up staying. I consider myself to be intelligent, attractive, polite, and fun to be around. I know I deserve so much better. It just terrifies me to think about starting divorce proceedings as I am clueless when it comes to this. The cost? The time? The division of the value of our home? I would just want a clean break and move on. I don't want support from him since I have taken care of myself financially anyway. I just want back what I have invested in our home and all of the property I had before we were marrried.

Not to mention I know this would absolutely devistate my H. I do still care about him enough to worry. He has treated me so poorly I know I shouldn't care but I do.

I will certainly seek out IC as I know I am in desperate need of it. Any further advice or words of wisdom would really help.

 

[lonleyandlost]

It sounds like you are a tick in the box for him.

Job - tick
Hobbies - tick
Wife - tick.

You are not his top priority. He wanted a wife & once he got one, he's free to work & play as much as he wants & not worry about finding a wife.

He HATES when you bring up your feelings & issues with the marriage so he disrespects you & withholds affection to get you to stop.

He agreed to MC because he doesn't want to lose you & untick one of his boxes.

I think he may be a narcissist.

Emerald, I think you've hit the nail on the head. H just got home from a hunting trip. Initially he was trying to be kind and make some small talk. I responded like I have been lately...down and out. He asked what was for dinner and if he said if he should take something out of the freezer. I said sure if he felt like cooking. Then he acted like we wouldn't have supper if I wasn't going to cook. Ugh...prime example of a typical day around here.

Then he asks what is going on with me. I again stated how unhappy I am and how we don't have a real marriage. He asked if I thought the grass was greener elsewhere. I said I didn't know and that I didn't want anyone else...that I am just tired of this cycle. I asked if he could really make the changes I need him to and he said it will depend on how I respond to him because it's my reponses that cause his reactions.

So with this example of what just happened...am I out of line thinking our marriage is over?

 

[Trying2figureitout]

Honestly it sound like neither of you want to turn the other cheek.... for the marriage to be saved one of you has to... since you control you guess its you.

Start treating him like the husband you wish he was and see if he responds.

Resentment is poison you drink thinking you'll hurt your spouse.

How stupid is that.

Look for the law of reciprocity in time of turning the other cheek.

 

[lonleyandlost]

I hear exactly what you are saying. However, my question is should it be me who has to be the one to turn the cheek? I have been the one doing that for years and nothing ever changes. I have tried so many times to treat him like the man he I'd like him to be. That has never worked and I'm not going to allow myself to be walked on any longer. It's his turn to fight for us. If he won't then that makes my decision that much easier.

Anyone else hear what I'm trying to say? Your thoughts are very much appreciated.
Posted via Mobile Device

 

[Emerald]

Can you separate for awhile? Take some time apart. If he misses you, you will know & see changes. Also, if you don't think he can make the changes that will make you happy, you can file for divorce but not finalize it for awhile. Part of me thinks an action wake-up call may prompt changes.

 

[Trying2figureitout]

I hear exactly what you are saying. However, my question is should it be me who has to be the one to turn the cheek? I have been the one doing that for years and nothing ever changes. I have tried so many times to treat him like the man he I'd like him to be. That has never worked and I'm not going to allow myself to be walked on any longer. It's his turn to fight for us. If he won't then that makes my decision that much easier.

Anyone else hear what I'm trying to say? Your thoughts are very much appreciated.
Posted via Mobile Device

I don't believe you ever really turned that cheek....

I mean you have to do it 100% fully... give him lots of sex etc and see what happens. Its hard.

i give my wife what she needs even when she withholds sex because i know that is what it takes for me to eventually turn her around... we are getting very close again.

Don't accept abuse stand up to him but try giving him what he needs for a good period of time... see how he responds or call it quits.

 

[lonleyandlost]

Can you separate for awhile? Take some time apart. If he misses you, you will know & see changes. Also, if you don't think he can make the changes that will make you happy, you can file for divorce but not finalize it for awhile. Part of me thinks an action wake-up call may prompt changes.

I wish I had somewhere to go. I moved away from my family so we could be near his. He could easily stay with his parents or brother but he never would...he is always ashamed and embarrassed to let anyone know we are having problems.

The other factor is my dog. I could probably find somewhere to stay if I didn't have her. My H refuses to help care for her in any way, shape, or form. If I did leave I would worry he would hurt her just to get back at me because he knows how much she means to me. So I'm kind of stuck here.

 

[SlowlyGettingWiser]

Since you are financially independent, you should prepare to leave. Honestly, if you think this man would hurt your dog JUST TO GET EVEN WITH YOU, then what do you REALLY have with him (and I'm not even a dog-lover!)

Get your ducks in a row this week and next.

1. Make a budget that YOU can live on alone.
2. Check the paper and internet for apartments for rent.
3. Do an internet search to find out about divorce laws in your state (where to file, do you need an attorney, how long is the waiting period, how are assets divided, how are debts divided). There's LOTS of info out there if you start looking.
4. Include the cost of a divorce in your budget.

When you have located NEW accomodations:
5. MOVE with your dog to your new apartment.
6. Notify your family that you are filing for a divorce.
7. File for a divorce and have your H served.

H will either GET WITH THE PROGRAM and make REAL, HONEST, SUBSTANTIVE, LASTING, IMPORTANT changes to his behavior beginning IMMEDIATELY, or he will not.

If he does, continue on with the divorce and re-evaluate (with the help of a marriage counselor) as the divorce draws nearer to being final. If you have reached a realistic, working relationship you can pull the plug on the divorce if you want.

If he does NOT make the required changes (and you are only requiring him to act like a man who is interested in you and interested in being married to you...it's not like you're asking for the world) continue on with the divorce.

After the divorce is finalized, the financials are ironed out, you are free to move back near your family, stay where you are, or pick somewhere else totally new and start your life over.

Hang in there, it will get better!

 

[HeaterKeda]

When husbands withhold sex from wives the issues are usually too deep to reconcile.

 

[lonleyandlost]

Since you are financially independent, you should prepare to leave.

Get your ducks in a row this week and next.

Hang in there, it will get better!

Thank you so much for giving me some guidance on preparing to leave. I will start my research today on all of the steps you included in your post. I still have a lot to think about and sort out but at least I can have the plan in place should in need it. Thanks again!