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You are the biggest enabler of all time, and you shouldn't expect your husband to go along with it. These people are all adults. You screwed up getting your mom to live nextdoor. You screwed up enabling the situation with the brother, and she does too. She wants to move -- GREAT. Tell her to sell the house and force the brother out too. You need to realize these are adults all taking advantage of you.
 

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Yikes, that hurt. But I get it. I suppose I just felt like I know we can afford to help and that’s all I wanted to do. I get that it’s a toxic situation but I know that if the roles were reversed my mom would help us.
That would be different. Kids are a priority, so of course your mom would help you. Likewise you must help your children, even if that means stepping away from your mom's mess. You are putting your mom and your brother ahead of your own kids and husband.
 

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Yeah. These are adults who are perfectly capable of taking care of themselves if you weren't all enabling the mom and the brother. He probably wouldn't have nearly as big an addiction problem if it weren't for you two.
 

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Your mother would have the money she needs for the repairs but she spent it on the drug using brother.

This is the consequence for enabling.

Do not hide things from your husband due to your mother's issue with enabling.

Maybe you should consider selling and moving away from them.
 

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I think it is a big deal. It is hard, but you need to put you and your family first, ahead of your mom and brother. If I were in you're husband's shoes I wouldn't allow the silly extension cord thing. For one, it isn't really safe, it is likely a fire hazard and it is just further enabling the dysfunctional situation. As hard as it may be you need to step back from the whole situation. It isn't your problem to fix. Your problem is fixing the relationship with your husband.
It's also illegal in most places for someone to be living in an RV at somebody's residence. So that's the next shoe that's going to fall as the code inspector was going to see it and give you a great big fine.
 
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Discussion Starter · #27 ·
Thank you all for the advice. It hurts me to see my mom struggle and it’s almost instinct for me to want to help but I have decided to step back from the whole situation. My husband and I are trying to build better for ourselves and our children. We are planning on moving, within the next year we will be away from the craziness. Of course I will continue to be there for my mother but not in the way I have been. The stress is just taking too much of a toll on me. I spread myself too thin trying to give everything to everyone but myself. I’ll leave her in God’s hands now! Thank you all again!
 

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Yikes, that hurt. But I get it. I suppose I just felt like I know we can afford to help and that’s all I wanted to do. I get that it’s a toxic situation but I know that if the roles were reversed my mom would help us.
You are LYING to your husband by omission and you are CHEATING on him and your children by wasting what should be family money on your mother.
If I was him I would have left you ages ago so that you could move in with your toxic family of origin because you certainly put them before your own family.
Ask yourself this. How many times have you had to postpone or cancel family outings or special occasions because you spent the money on your mother’s problems?
And you haven’t even helped.
When you gave her the $700 dollars for a dumpster she still used it for something else.
You seem to have a martyr complex but you should remember what happened to the martyrs.
 

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Yikes, that hurt. But I get it. I suppose I just felt like I know we can afford to help and that’s all I wanted to do. I get that it’s a toxic situation but I know that if the roles were reversed my mom would help us.
Then you must also know that the roles will never be reversed because your mom is your mom.

Please don't think that because she is 71 she needs help. I'm 70 and been widowed for 8 years. I have no problem navigating life and its responsibilities. Most women my age don't.
 

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Discussion Starter · #30 ·
Then you must also know that the roles will never be reversed because your mom is your mom.

Please don't think that because she is 71 she needs help. I'm 70 and been widowed for 8 years. I have no problem navigating life and its responsibilities. Most women my age don't.
I know that she is a strong woman, she always has been, even with all she’s been through. She worked 2 jobs to take care of my brothers and I as a single mother when I was growing up so I know she’ll land on her feet no matter what. But like many said, if I keep being there to bail her out she won’t do what needs to be done. I’m putting this guilt behind me. My brothers put it behind them with no problems at all haha.
 

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Your mother needs to stop your brother living there and should see what the police can do. She is elderly and this isn't fair on her. I don't know what your neighbourhood is like but could you round up a few neighbours to help clear your mums house out? Even do a post on a local forum explaining what's happened and get a group of people to help. You would be surprised how many people would help and do it for free. Your brother must never be allowed back in there though. Your poor mum should be enjoying her retiring years stress free and not be used and abused by her druggy son. Your mum sounds depressed, poorly (staying in bed all the time) can you get a dr to visit her and check her over. The dr may be able to help write on your mums behalf about her health deteriorating because of her son. Also she needs support from others. That's just too much for her to handle on her own. Maybe get all her locks changed and security cameras put in place. I feel so sad for your mum. Get advice from a solicitor/lawyer about keeping your brother away and protecting your mum.

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Your mother needs to stop your brother living there and should see what the police can do. She is elderly and this isn't fair on her. I don't know what your neighbourhood is like but could you round up a few neighbours to help clear your mums house out? Even do a post on a local forum explaining what's happened and get a group of people to help. You would be surprised how many people would help and do it for free. Your brother must never be allowed back in there though. Your poor mum should be enjoying her retiring years stress free and not be used and abused by her druggy son. Your mum sounds depressed, poorly (staying in bed all the time) can you get a dr to visit her and check her over. The dr may be able to help write on your mums behalf about her health deteriorating because of her son. Also she needs support from others. That's just too much for her to handle on her own. Maybe get all her locks changed and security cameras put in place. I feel so sad for your mum. Get advice from a solicitor/lawyer about keeping your brother away and protecting your mum.

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Snagging neighbors in enabling behavior? I disagree.
They’ll clean it all up, grandma and dopey return and the process starts all over again.

sell the place as is and grandma moves to her other place with money in hand.

OP needs to stop helping in any way. She’s not helping, she’s making the situation worse.
 

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Snagging neighbors in enabling behavior? I disagree.
They’ll clean it all up, grandma and dopey return and the process starts all over again.

sell the place as is and grandma moves to her other place with money in hand.

OP needs to stop helping in any way. She’s not helping, she’s making the situation worse.
True. The easiest option would be for a quick sale as it is. The new buyer will clear it all out. She will get less money but it would be a lot less stress.

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Thank you all for the advice. It hurts me to see my mom struggle and it’s almost instinct for me to want to help but I have decided to step back from the whole situation. My husband and I are trying to build better for ourselves and our children. We are planning on moving, within the next year we will be away from the craziness. Of course I will continue to be there for my mother but not in the way I have been. The stress is just taking too much of a toll on me. I spread myself too thin trying to give everything to everyone but myself. I’ll leave her in God’s hands now! Thank you all again!
Good decision. Your mother is perfectly capable of taking care of herself if she would stop enabling your brother. So you are kind of at the top of the chain here enabling your mother which enables her to enable your brother. You need to completely get out of it and tell her you've got to put all your resources to your family and all your emotional investment as well. Tell her if she'd stop investing in your brother she wouldn't be struggling.
 
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