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Discussion Starter #1
Hey everyone. New here and just looking advice and possibly answers on our situation. We have been married for a little over a year. I emotionally abused and broke my wife (unintentionally of course) over the 5 years we’ve been together. She says she gave up last July. we had a conversation around august, since then i have realized what has happened and made a profound change within myself. She says she’s noticed I have changed for the better but just can’t get passed the hurt she’s experienced. In December she asked for a divorce but she still seemed indecisive in some conversations we’ve had after she actually asked for the divorce. Few days ago i asked her if she sees us together in the future and she said no. I dont know if it’s foolish on my behalf to still think we can be one again but i just care and love her deeply....I’m just hoping time helps her find that love for me again
 

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It appears your wife has emotionally detached. Further, change is one thing. Lasting change is something very different. I suspect your stbxw is thinking the change will not last. In short, talk is cheap. Actions speak louder than words. However, sometimes no matter how loud your actions speak, it is never heard. You may continue to keep the change and show it is lasting but it still my not be enough.
 

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Discussion Starter #3
Yea that’s definitely gone through my head. Tough pill to swallow. Whenever we have these convos she remembers the things that have hurt in the past gets emotional but then says “im over it, doesn’t matter” then proceeds to tell me all these nice things and that she loves me and cares for me as a person but i killed the love she had for me. But it’s like i pushed her away with my behavior and is so driven on saving up and planning to leave in a few months and buy her own property. so it’s like a countdown for me. We are on speaking terms and very much cordial but there is that awkwardness there. We’re roommates at this point and it’s just killing me inside
 

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Unless you give more information about how you supposedly abused your wife it’s hard to advise you.
What I wonder is if she’s rewriting the history of your relationship/marriage to suit her own agenda. Could there be someone else on the scene?
If things were so bad why did she marry you?
Like I said you need to give more information but unless you actually have been emotionally abusive then I would start investigating if I were you.
 

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Discussion Starter #5
Yea i’ve checked around doesn’t seem like anyone else is in the picture. But I was very much toxic to her emotions for @ least the last 2 years. Was arrogant in my ways thinking my way is the best and only way, put aside her wants and needs. She’s said that she married me thinking things would change but lost hope along the way. I wasn’t always abusive to her. I became that person with pressure just trying to balance my life, she became my punching bag (not physically) when ever i was frustrated. Didn’t even notice what i was doing to her or how and when i lost my way. I’ve always been a great provider, which she knows, but that can only go soo far....
 

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It sounds like you are getting the ILYBNILWY speech. She already has you convinced that she is the victim and you are the aggressor. It may by true, maybe not.
 

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Discussion Starter #7
It’s true. I’ve had alot of time to reflect on the relationship as a whole and I definitely was the aggressor. If we ever got into conflict, I was the one who either initiated it or made it a bigger deal than it was. If she became emotional i would just dismiss the situation by stating “you’re just too emotional” or something to that effect. I was very rough and showed alot of tough love
 

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I think she is hurting so much right now. Even though she can see the change you made, in her mind there is always a thought "what if you change back to the way it was and she ends up getting hurt again".

I know what your wife is going through right now as I am experiencing it myself. I am just not there yet. But when I do make up my mind about leaving. I don't think I will change it. Because the fear would be too much. It is easier to forgive than to forget.

Just talk to her and ask if she would give you another chance. Just show her that you love her and make sure she feels your love.

Saying that, I admire you for admitting your mistake and really make an effort about changing your way. If only my husband will do the same, I wont be here scrolling looking for an answer. But reading your story, I know there is a hope for me too.
 

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I appreciate your honesty in starting off with the fact you emotionally abused her and even say you "broke" her. Not knowing the details of what any of that means it's hard to say if there is any chance of her being able to reconnect emotionally to you, I would have to say I doubt it. This might be a situation where you let her go and be a better man in the future so you do not repeat the same behavior that got you here.

I think your best bet is to give her space, start the divorce process and start working on yourself, get counseling to process what made you treat her the way you did.
 

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Discussion Starter #12
I appreciate your honesty in starting off with the fact you emotionally abused her and even say you "broke" her. Not knowing the details of what any of that means it's hard to say if there is any chance of her being able to reconnect emotionally to you, I would have to say I doubt it. This might be a situation where you let her go and be a better man in the future so you do not repeat the same behavior that got you here.

I think your best bet is to give her space, start the divorce process and start working on yourself, get counseling to process what made you treat her the way you did.
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I think she is hurting so much right now. Even though she can see the change you made, in her mind there is always a thought "what if you change back to the way it was and she ends up getting hurt again".

I know what your wife is going through right now as I am experiencing it myself. I am just not there yet. But when I do make up my mind about leaving. I don't think I will change it. Because the fear would be too much. It is easier to forgive than to forget.

Just talk to her and ask if she would give you another chance. Just show her that you love her and make sure she feels your love.

Saying that, I admire you for admitting your mistake and really make an effort about changing your way. If only my husband will do the same, I wont be here scrolling looking for an answer. But reading your story, I know there is a hope for me too.
If you haven’t told him that he’s pushing you away and that if he really loves you he has to work on himself so both of you as a whole can be better, please do it ASAP. I only wish she had told me that or i had an awakening sooner or listened better. I have been doing alot to show her how much i care for her/love her and that i don’t want this to end. we’ve had counseling, i’m doing individual counseling but she’s just so detached and actually said she’s numb to the situation in some convos adding that she let this go to far. As of now we’re basically roomies and I told her i’m for her as a friend and just want her to be happy. but im soo torn there’s days where i just breakdown, and i’ve never been an emotional guy. this has taught me soo much. i guess i have to let father time take the reigns
 

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Discussion Starter #13
I appreciate your honesty in starting off with the fact you emotionally abused her and even say you "broke" her. Not knowing the details of what any of that means it's hard to say if there is any chance of her being able to reconnect emotionally to you, I would have to say I doubt it. This might be a situation where you let her go and be a better man in the future so you do not repeat the same behavior that got you here.

I think your best bet is to give her space, start the divorce process and start working on yourself, get counseling to process what made you treat her the way you did.
Thnx and Yes i’m currently seeing a therapist. Its just really tough co-existing in the same space until she actually leaves. On the other hand, because she’s still around, it gives me hope she will have a change of heart.
 

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Thnx and Yes i’m currently seeing a therapist. Its just really tough co-existing in the same space until she actually leaves. On the other hand, because she’s still around, it gives me hope she will have a change of heart.
I went through similar 10 years ago. I started therapy/etc. At first, she had me believing that I was the one who "crushed" her, emotionally abused her, etc. I can tell you this.... you sound like a very introspective person. What I can tell you in hindsight..... is the person willing to strip themselves open and do the work usually isn't the problem.

Hindsight is a beautiful thing. Don't cling to any type of hope that she will stay. Work on you.... become the man you want to be. It will either help you down the road or heal your marriage. Both options are awesome. I've been remarried 5.5 years now, and it is the most rewarding experience of my life.
 

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Discussion Starter #15
I went through similar 10 years ago. I started therapy/etc. At first, she had me believing that I was the one who "crushed" her, emotionally abused her, etc. I can tell you this.... you sound like a very introspective person. What I can tell you in hindsight..... is the person willing to strip themselves open and do the work usually isn't the problem.

Hindsight is a beautiful thing. Don't cling to any type of hope that she will stay. Work on you.... become the man you want to be. It will either help you down the road or heal your marriage. Both options are awesome. I've been remarried 5.5 years now, and it is the most rewarding experience of my life.
Excellent point and well said. Although she is a very loving person and was all about us at one point, she definitely has unresolved issues from her past but she just packs it in her invisible bag and keeps going, i’ve suggested she do counseling for herself but she’s not into it, says it reminds her of when she was younger and her parents got divorced (go figure smh). crazy because i never saw myself getting married, let alone divorced. now i want nothing more than to reconcile and live happily with this woman for the rest of my life.
 

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Excellent point and well said. Although she is a very loving person and was all about us at one point, she definitely has unresolved issues from her past but she just packs it in her invisible bag and keeps going, i’ve suggested she do counseling for herself but she’s not into it, says it reminds her of when she was younger and her parents got divorced (go figure smh). crazy because i never saw myself getting married, let alone divorced. now i want nothing more than to reconcile and live happily with this woman for the rest of my life.
That's your "fear of loss" talking. If someone isn't willing to to deal with her own crap, you don't want to be with her the rest of your life. It won't be happy. That just is what it is. The difference in being married to someone who is willing to own their part and being married to someone who isn't....... is incredible. Focus on what you can control, yourself. Establish healthy things that you want to see from your marriage and make boundries. ONLY THEN, is the reconcile/live happily option even possible.
 

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Yea that’s definitely gone through my head. Tough pill to swallow. Whenever we have these convos she remembers the things that have hurt in the past gets emotional but then says “im over it, doesn’t matter” then proceeds to tell me all these nice things and that she loves me and cares for me as a person but i killed the love she had for me. But it’s like i pushed her away with my behavior and is so driven on saving up and planning to leave in a few months and buy her own property. so it’s like a countdown for me. We are on speaking terms and very much cordial but there is that awkwardness there. We’re roommates at this point and it’s just killing me inside
Sorry about that. I recommend you keep the change. Make it lasting. It may not help with our current situation but certainly will help with our next relationship that will more than likely happen.
 

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Yea i’ve checked around doesn’t seem like anyone else is in the picture. But I was very much toxic to her emotions for @ least the last 2 years. Was arrogant in my ways thinking my way is the best and only way, put aside her wants and needs. She’s said that she married me thinking things would change but lost hope along the way. I wasn’t always abusive to her. I became that person with pressure just trying to balance my life, she became my punching bag (not physically) when ever i was frustrated. Didn’t even notice what i was doing to her or how and when i lost my way. I’ve always been a great provider, which she knows, but that can only go soo far....
The formula for disaster as you well know. It is unfortunate that your wife thought your behavior would change after marriage. That was a mistake on her part.
 

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Excellent point and well said. Although she is a very loving person and was all about us at one point, she definitely has unresolved issues from her past but she just packs it in her invisible bag and keeps going, i’ve suggested she do counseling for herself but she’s not into it, says it reminds her of when she was younger and her parents got divorced (go figure smh). crazy because i never saw myself getting married, let alone divorced. now i want nothing more than to reconcile and live happily

I’m in the same position, although we are not married we had a child together. I never seen myself having kids with anyone but when I met her she changed my entire perspective in life I wanted all the things I never thought I did.Through the 2 years of being together I have let her down constantly to where she couldn’t rely on my , I broke her emotionally she told me she would beg me for attention and she never did that for anyone. I realized it to late when I saw a message of her texting a guy noting drastic just her trying to get attention cause she never got it from me but since then I have change. This has been about 4 week she feels that I’m only changing cause I saw what I saw but I’ve apologized many times. I am changing because of what happened because it made me realize how ****ty I have treated her all the 2 years we’ve been together.She’s staying with her mom at the moment but I can’t help but think I can never get her back and I want to live ther rest of my life with her
 

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Discussion Starter #20
it’s tough brother. Seems like we’re similar in the way that we need something profound and life changing for us to realize we need to change. i’ve been dealing with this for a solid 6 months. it’s been a bumpy ride man. like the wisdom mentioned above, we have to keep that change and better ourselves no matter what. There isn’t any right answer. Some people suggest to let go, some say love her from a distance but stay in the fight. There’s days i feel both lol. Won’t be easy but we will get thru this.
 
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