[MSUBearsFan]

Hey Everyone,

I've been reading this forum for a while now, it's a great way to see that 'you're not alone out there,' if you're ever struggling with your marriage, so THANK YOU.

I'll give a quick background, then I'll list some of my concerns... My wife and I met freshman year of college, we were practically together every minute of the day. We always fought every once in a while, but... we were college kids, so it's not like anything was ever very serious. I've had red flags popping up in my head about her ever since she threw a GIANT fit after I didn't want to buy her engagement ring for her on the spot during our senior year in college (The ring cost 2/3 of what I made the previous summer working). Fast Forward 10 years, 4 of which we have been married, we've got an amazing little two year old and a baby girl on the way (Due in January). We didn't really plan on the second one because we had been fighting a ton and if we ever did have sex (for the last 2-3 years, we've only had sex M A Y B E 6-7 times a year... yeah, seriously), we used protection. Like I said, I've been reading this board for a while just because I was searching for guidance on what the heck to do.

There's not a question in my mind that if she wasn't pregnant right now that I would leave her. I feel terrible for my daughter(s), but I also feel terrible that she has to listen to her mom and dad fight every day. I'm just afraid of change, couple that with having another kid on the way and I just don't want to do that to the kids and I definitely don't want to put my wife into any more stress than she needs just for the health of our baby.

Anyways, I never really had it click in my head before, but I after reading another post about the subject, I really think she may be BPD. The past few weeks I've been making a list of things, here it is:

Always been very sensitive to everything.

Issues with trust, frequently accuses me of having “crushes,” even on her sister

I could be 5-10 min late coming back from work, but she can lose sense of reality that I actually could have been stuck in traffic or just held up at my last stop longer than I expected.

Most times we are with my extended family, she gets very irritated and will try to pick a fight over something so that we can go home. And when she decided it’s time to go, we have to leave in a matter of minutes. The worst case of this ever was we were visiting my family out of town, said we would stay until the rest of my family were leaving to go out to see other family. We had only been there for an hour before she decided it was time to go, even though that was the first time I had seen my one sister in four months and my other in three, plus the last time I would have seen either until Christmas. She didn’t even let us stay long enough to say goodbye to my one sister that was taking a shower... another story, we were on family vacation in Florida, we all went together and rented a beach house for a week, after 4 days she decided that she wanted to get an "early start" to our drive back and that we were leaving the next morning...

Her arguments over something small (usually things she cannot reason about) turns into intense anger. I try staying calm, but I usually get just as upset as she is. But even when I do stay calm, she says stuff like she can’t believe I’m talking to her the way I am, etc.

She STILL brings up things in my past, even things that happened a few years before I even KNEW her, and then other things before we were dating.

Any time I try to talk to her about a sensitive subject she will have an outburst.

I go from a loving husband a week ago to the worst person she knows in the matter of a few seconds.

I have never known how to treat any of this and have tried to look and change my attitude and response a number of times as I was told by her on many occasions that it is my fault and that I need to change, but it seems like no matter what I try (asking calmly not to talk to me like that, just walking away, or trying to talk normally) works and she will just stay mad, but then a few hours later it is like nothing happened.

It doesn’t matter how many good things I do, if I do ONE thing wrong, it sets off an outburst.

Once her mind has been made up about a subject, there is no convincing her to change it… I’ve noticed this more and more with our kid. She’ll get these funny little quirky rules in her head one time and then it’s set in stone that that is just the way things are going to be from then on out.

She can't see the difference between malicious intent and an accident / mistake and will punish both in the same way.

If I cry because of an argument, it’s me trying to make her feel bad, not me being in pieces

I’ve asked her a million times to stop saying the f* word around our two year old, but to no avail

I get in trouble for scolding our dogs for peeing/pooping inside the house

I could add more, but it really makes me sad to think about it... Part of me wants to "Be a man," but the GOOD in me says I need to be with her, even if it is fake just for our unborn child right now.




Help? Advice?? Anything???

Thank you, sorry it was long.

 

[dumpedandhappy]

You said: Part of me wants to "Be a man," but the GOOD in me says I need to be with her, even if it is fake just for our unborn child right now.

Are you happy brother? You are posting in the section of this site that states, "Considering Separation or Divorce" so does this mean you are at a cross-roads?

You listed a series of things about your wife and quite frankly I don't understand the behaivour, there are experts out there for people who have "issues".

The Un-Born child makes life difficult, I can see that.

My thing, and if you look around here you will fidn that others don't find my advice very good..., is I wonder abou tthe health of a relationship, and how that affects your personal health.

At what point is enough, enough?

Maybe I can suggest this: there are people in your life, you mentioned a sister, I think that there must be people who are close to your situation and can see it for what it is...have you asked them what their choices would be?

I often think that people get into relationships and it just rips them both apart, and the others that are close...kids, parents, friends...

So maybe figure out what the losses are at this point, and then maybe look at what gains you could make? Would professional help be useful for her and yourself?

Everyone is unique, we all have different paths but I think the common threads are that there is help amongst our peers, our families and our community.

But I have to say something straight up and honest: don't let this person take advantage of you, your happiness is no less important than hers. If this relationship is poisonous to your health ( sex only 6-7 times a year?!!) then I would be seriously looking at decisions to help you establish some fairness.

 

[anchorwatch]

Read this thread and explore the links. What you think, may or may not be so. Get the both of you into counseling to get a professional diagnoses.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/50913-wife-has-bpd-i-am-going-crazy.html

 

[Uptown]

BearsFan, welcome to the TAM forum. I agree with everything Anchor said and also agree with Dumped that it is time to focus more on your own happiness.

I really think she may be BPD.

Only a professional can determine whether your W has the full blown disorder, i.e., Borderline Personality Disorder. Spotting the red flags, however, is not difficult if you take time to learn what to look for -- especially given that you've known her for ten years.

Most times we are with my extended family, she gets very irritated and will try to pick a fight over something so that we can go home....we have to leave in a matter of minutes.

My BPDer exW did the same, trying her best to isolate me from friends and family members who would support me. Once she ruined my trip to visit my sister a 1,000 miles away. Just an hour into the visit, my exW stormed out in a huff because, while she was in the bathroom, she overheard me say something negative about my step son (never mind that I adored him and she was jealous of that relationship too). To leave my sister's house, my exW called a girlfriend to come pick her up -- from a city 2 hours away.

A couple years later, we drove about 500 miles to meet my sister and her H for a visit half way between our two home locations. Just a few hours into the visit, my exW got offended that I was looking at some furniture instead of following her around the store. She went into a pout so bad that we all had to leave the next morning, two days early.

She can't see the difference between malicious intent and an accident/mistake and will punish both in the same way.

This is called black-white thinking, wherein a BPDer will categorize everyone as "all bad" or "all good." There is no grey area or middle ground because BPDers are very uncomfortable with ambiguities, uncertainties, and mixed feelings. Hence, the smallest infraction can cause a BPDer to move you from one polar extreme (love you) to the other (hate you).

Help? Advice??

As an initial matter, I recommend that you NOT tell your W about your suspicions of her having strong BPD traits. If she is a BPDer (i.e., has most BPD traits at a strong level), she almost certainly will project the accusation right back onto you, believing YOU to be the BPDer. Instead, simply encourage her to see a good psychologist (not a MC) and let the psych decide what to tell her.

Second, if you think you may stay with her a while, I suggest you read Stop Walking on Eggshells, the best-selling BPD book targeted to spouses like you. Or, if you are decided to get a divorce instead, get Splitting: Protecting Yourself when Divorcing a Borderline or Narcissist. Both books are written by the same author.

Third, I suggest you start participating (or at least lurking) at BPDfamily.com -- the largest and most active BPD forum I've found that is devoted fully to the spouses and family members of BPDers. This issue is such an enormous problem that that website is growing by 20 new members every day. The result is that it offers eight separate message boards on various BPD issues. The ones that likely will be most helpful to you are the "Staying" board, "Leaving" board, and "Raising a Child when One Parent Has BPD" board.

Fourth, while you are at BPDfamily.com, I suggest you read the excellent articles in their resources section. My favorite is "Surviving a Breakup with Someone with BPD" at T9 Surviving a Break-up with Someone Suffering with Borderline Personality Disorder - Columbia University, New York.

Fifth, I suggest you see a clinical psychologist -- for a visit or two by yourself -- to obtain a candid professional opinion on what it is you and your young children will be dealing with -- and how likely it is she may pass it on to those children. As I've explained in many other threads, your best chance of getting a candid opinion regarding a possible BPD diagnosis is to NOT have the BPDer along. Therapists are loath to tell high functioning BPDers the name of the disorder.

Finally, please don't forget those of us on this TAM forum. We want to keep trying to answer your questions and providing emotional support as long as you find our shared experiences helpful. I suggest that, while you are waiting for an appoint with your own psych, you read the thread suggested by Anchor. You also may want to read my description of typical BPDer behaviors in a post at http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/33734-my-list-hell.html#post473522. If that description rings a bell, I would be glad to discuss it with you. Take care, BearsFan.

 

[MSUBearsFan]

You said: Part of me wants to "Be a man," but the GOOD in me says I need to be with her, even if it is fake just for our unborn child right now.

Are you happy brother? You are posting in the section of this site that states, "Considering Separation or Divorce" so does this mean you are at a cross-roads?

No... I'm not happy.

EVERYTHING in my life is what I have wanted except having a wife that, quite frankly, I just don't love any more. I have a dream job doing something that is more 'fun' than work to me and I have literally the most perfect little daughter in the whole wide world.

I'm not quite sure why I joined on here, I don't know if it was to somehow justify in my mind that I need to get a divorce, or what. I tried talking to my sister about it, but I wussed out because, if we DO stay together, I hate bad mouthing my wife to my family. We are a 'old fashioned' Catholic family that doesn't view divorce favorably. That said, 3 of my uncles have been divorced. Also, both of my wives parents were divorced before they got married and had her.

Could she be BPD? I don't know. The reason I asked about pregnancy hormones is that I know that they can wreak havock on a pregnant woman, that's why I am being so guarded about even thinking about leaving her.

I think what I may do is wait until this baby is born and then talk to her about stuff. I'm so confused because I DO love her, I just don't think I am IN love with her any more, if that makes any sense?

Once she ruined my trip to visit my sister a 1,000 miles away. Just an hour into the visit, my exW stormed out in a huff because, while she was in the bathroom, she overheard me say something negative about my step son (never mind that I adored him and she was jealous of that relationship too). To leave my sister's house, my exW called a girlfriend to come pick her up -- from a city 2 hours away.

Thank you for sharing, I'll check out those books.

That story reminds me of another time where we drove 7 hours to see my grandpa, who was on his death bed, we were there for 30 minutes or so before one of my aunts was holding our daughter too long for her liking and she just started pinching me and whispering "we are leaving, now" into my ear.

If we went through with the divorce, I just don't think I could go about trying to take my kid away from her. She loves her, she loves both of us. But I don't want her to keep on regressing and then be a 'bad' mom if I were to leave her.

To make things even worse in this situation, I keep hearing rumors that I may be getting a huge promotion early next year that would involve me moving 3 hours away to a bigger city. If that were to happen, I truly wouldn't know what to do. That's right in the middle of when I was thinking about having "the talk" with her if things hadn't improved at all. I wouldn't be able to move our family to another city just to file for divorce after a little bit, I would never do that to my children, or to my wife, because that could really hurt them financially and that is the last thing I want.


Sorry to ramble on and on, you don't have to read, but I really really really appreciate the responses. Thank you guys.

 

[MSUBearsFan]

I've been doing a LOT of thinking...

I've come to the conclusion that I am going to divorce her... After she has the baby.

I talked about being so sad about the way she has been treating me and that I wasn't sure how much longer we could stay together unless she changed and she blamed everything on me. She actually hit my upper arm, but there wasn't a bruise or anything.

How long after the baby is born should I give her to tell her I'm done??

 

[Uptown]

I've come to the conclusion that I am going to divorce her... After she has the baby.

BearsFan, thanks for your update. With two young children involved, you are going to have to continue dealing with your STBXW in some form for at least 18 years. And so will your kids. You therefore cannot afford to NOT find out what you and they will be dealing with over the next two decades.

I mention this because you've said nothing in response to my suggestion that you see a psychologist, for a visit or two on your own, to obtain a professional opinion. Remember, knowledge is power. Given what is at stake, I believe you need all the "power" you can get your hands on.

 

[anchorwatch]

I agree with Uptown. Get a psychiatrist to give you some insight into what your dealing with. At least for you children's benefit. Good luck.