Joined
·
24 Posts
Hey Everyone,
I've been reading this forum for a while now, it's a great way to see that 'you're not alone out there,' if you're ever struggling with your marriage, so THANK YOU.
I'll give a quick background, then I'll list some of my concerns... My wife and I met freshman year of college, we were practically together every minute of the day. We always fought every once in a while, but... we were college kids, so it's not like anything was ever very serious. I've had red flags popping up in my head about her ever since she threw a GIANT fit after I didn't want to buy her engagement ring for her on the spot during our senior year in college (The ring cost 2/3 of what I made the previous summer working). Fast Forward 10 years, 4 of which we have been married, we've got an amazing little two year old and a baby girl on the way (Due in January). We didn't really plan on the second one because we had been fighting a ton and if we ever did have sex (for the last 2-3 years, we've only had sex M A Y B E 6-7 times a year... yeah, seriously), we used protection. Like I said, I've been reading this board for a while just because I was searching for guidance on what the heck to do.
There's not a question in my mind that if she wasn't pregnant right now that I would leave her. I feel terrible for my daughter(s), but I also feel terrible that she has to listen to her mom and dad fight every day. I'm just afraid of change, couple that with having another kid on the way and I just don't want to do that to the kids and I definitely don't want to put my wife into any more stress than she needs just for the health of our baby.
Anyways, I never really had it click in my head before, but I after reading another post about the subject, I really think she may be BPD. The past few weeks I've been making a list of things, here it is:
Always been very sensitive to everything.
Issues with trust, frequently accuses me of having “crushes,” even on her sister
I could be 5-10 min late coming back from work, but she can lose sense of reality that I actually could have been stuck in traffic or just held up at my last stop longer than I expected.
Most times we are with my extended family, she gets very irritated and will try to pick a fight over something so that we can go home. And when she decided it’s time to go, we have to leave in a matter of minutes. The worst case of this ever was we were visiting my family out of town, said we would stay until the rest of my family were leaving to go out to see other family. We had only been there for an hour before she decided it was time to go, even though that was the first time I had seen my one sister in four months and my other in three, plus the last time I would have seen either until Christmas. She didn’t even let us stay long enough to say goodbye to my one sister that was taking a shower... another story, we were on family vacation in Florida, we all went together and rented a beach house for a week, after 4 days she decided that she wanted to get an "early start" to our drive back and that we were leaving the next morning...
Her arguments over something small (usually things she cannot reason about) turns into intense anger. I try staying calm, but I usually get just as upset as she is. But even when I do stay calm, she says stuff like she can’t believe I’m talking to her the way I am, etc.
She STILL brings up things in my past, even things that happened a few years before I even KNEW her, and then other things before we were dating.
Any time I try to talk to her about a sensitive subject she will have an outburst.
I go from a loving husband a week ago to the worst person she knows in the matter of a few seconds.
I have never known how to treat any of this and have tried to look and change my attitude and response a number of times as I was told by her on many occasions that it is my fault and that I need to change, but it seems like no matter what I try (asking calmly not to talk to me like that, just walking away, or trying to talk normally) works and she will just stay mad, but then a few hours later it is like nothing happened.
It doesn’t matter how many good things I do, if I do ONE thing wrong, it sets off an outburst.
Once her mind has been made up about a subject, there is no convincing her to change it… I’ve noticed this more and more with our kid. She’ll get these funny little quirky rules in her head one time and then it’s set in stone that that is just the way things are going to be from then on out.
She can't see the difference between malicious intent and an accident / mistake and will punish both in the same way.
If I cry because of an argument, it’s me trying to make her feel bad, not me being in pieces
I’ve asked her a million times to stop saying the f* word around our two year old, but to no avail
I get in trouble for scolding our dogs for peeing/pooping inside the house
I could add more, but it really makes me sad to think about it... Part of me wants to "Be a man," but the GOOD in me says I need to be with her, even if it is fake just for our unborn child right now.
Help? Advice?? Anything???
Thank you, sorry it was long.
I've been reading this forum for a while now, it's a great way to see that 'you're not alone out there,' if you're ever struggling with your marriage, so THANK YOU.
I'll give a quick background, then I'll list some of my concerns... My wife and I met freshman year of college, we were practically together every minute of the day. We always fought every once in a while, but... we were college kids, so it's not like anything was ever very serious. I've had red flags popping up in my head about her ever since she threw a GIANT fit after I didn't want to buy her engagement ring for her on the spot during our senior year in college (The ring cost 2/3 of what I made the previous summer working). Fast Forward 10 years, 4 of which we have been married, we've got an amazing little two year old and a baby girl on the way (Due in January). We didn't really plan on the second one because we had been fighting a ton and if we ever did have sex (for the last 2-3 years, we've only had sex M A Y B E 6-7 times a year... yeah, seriously), we used protection. Like I said, I've been reading this board for a while just because I was searching for guidance on what the heck to do.
There's not a question in my mind that if she wasn't pregnant right now that I would leave her. I feel terrible for my daughter(s), but I also feel terrible that she has to listen to her mom and dad fight every day. I'm just afraid of change, couple that with having another kid on the way and I just don't want to do that to the kids and I definitely don't want to put my wife into any more stress than she needs just for the health of our baby.
Anyways, I never really had it click in my head before, but I after reading another post about the subject, I really think she may be BPD. The past few weeks I've been making a list of things, here it is:
Always been very sensitive to everything.
Issues with trust, frequently accuses me of having “crushes,” even on her sister
I could be 5-10 min late coming back from work, but she can lose sense of reality that I actually could have been stuck in traffic or just held up at my last stop longer than I expected.
Most times we are with my extended family, she gets very irritated and will try to pick a fight over something so that we can go home. And when she decided it’s time to go, we have to leave in a matter of minutes. The worst case of this ever was we were visiting my family out of town, said we would stay until the rest of my family were leaving to go out to see other family. We had only been there for an hour before she decided it was time to go, even though that was the first time I had seen my one sister in four months and my other in three, plus the last time I would have seen either until Christmas. She didn’t even let us stay long enough to say goodbye to my one sister that was taking a shower... another story, we were on family vacation in Florida, we all went together and rented a beach house for a week, after 4 days she decided that she wanted to get an "early start" to our drive back and that we were leaving the next morning...
Her arguments over something small (usually things she cannot reason about) turns into intense anger. I try staying calm, but I usually get just as upset as she is. But even when I do stay calm, she says stuff like she can’t believe I’m talking to her the way I am, etc.
She STILL brings up things in my past, even things that happened a few years before I even KNEW her, and then other things before we were dating.
Any time I try to talk to her about a sensitive subject she will have an outburst.
I go from a loving husband a week ago to the worst person she knows in the matter of a few seconds.
I have never known how to treat any of this and have tried to look and change my attitude and response a number of times as I was told by her on many occasions that it is my fault and that I need to change, but it seems like no matter what I try (asking calmly not to talk to me like that, just walking away, or trying to talk normally) works and she will just stay mad, but then a few hours later it is like nothing happened.
It doesn’t matter how many good things I do, if I do ONE thing wrong, it sets off an outburst.
Once her mind has been made up about a subject, there is no convincing her to change it… I’ve noticed this more and more with our kid. She’ll get these funny little quirky rules in her head one time and then it’s set in stone that that is just the way things are going to be from then on out.
She can't see the difference between malicious intent and an accident / mistake and will punish both in the same way.
If I cry because of an argument, it’s me trying to make her feel bad, not me being in pieces
I’ve asked her a million times to stop saying the f* word around our two year old, but to no avail
I get in trouble for scolding our dogs for peeing/pooping inside the house
I could add more, but it really makes me sad to think about it... Part of me wants to "Be a man," but the GOOD in me says I need to be with her, even if it is fake just for our unborn child right now.
Help? Advice?? Anything???
Thank you, sorry it was long.