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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
She did want and like sex the first few years of marriage. I think she did, but I might have been fooled by her acting. I'm willing to try anything at this point.
 

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Can you give us a little more information...why is she turning you away? ....what are her reasons? ....what have you tried to date?
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You can do nothing about her drive. This is about her, not you.

She has to be willing to work on it herself. She needs to examine why she is LD (just her baseline, abuse history, bad teachings, etc.). Then, she needs to assess whether she is willing to grow and mature sexually towards meeting your need.

If she will not, you should assume that the way it is now is the best it will ever be, and decide whether that is good enough over the long term.
 

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Discussion Starter · #4 ·
You can do nothing about her drive. This is about her, not you.

She has to be willing to work on it herself. She needs to examine why she is LD (just her baseline, abuse history, bad teachings, etc.). Then, she needs to assess whether she is willing to grow and mature sexually towards meeting your need.

If she will not, you should assume that the way it is now is the best it will ever be, and decide whether that is good enough over the long term.
Well that's depressing...
 

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What makes you think she was acting? Because she liked it before and now not so much? Hard to say what causes people to not like sex much anymore. My guess is, a number of things. Medical issues, age, hormones, kids, resentment, no longer "inlove" etc.

Bottom line, people change. And yes, there is usually a reason.
 

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Also, sometimes it is a physical issues like hormones out of whack (sometimes caused by birth control or other meds for things like depression)
 

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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
When you do have sex does she seem to enjoy it?
Not really. It's how fast can I get him off saying anything that will work and leave the room.
 

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Discussion Starter · #8 ·
What makes you think she was acting? Because she liked it before and now not so much? Hard to say what causes people to not like sex much anymore. My guess is, a number of things. Medical issues, age, hormones, kids, resentment, no longer "inlove" etc.

Bottom line, people change. And yes, there is usually a reason.
Yes ... But can she be turned around?
 

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Yes ... But can she be turned around?
I'm not sure, I guess it depends on what it is thats wrong.

Have you talked with her, if so what has she said?

Maybe she needs to be checked out by the doctor, to rule out medical issues, or hormonal issues, or even depression. is she on any meds that might lower her libido?

Any other issues going on outside of the bedroom that she is upset about? That has made her detach from sex?
 

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Yes, it can be changed.

First, you have to distinguish between low drive and not wanting to have sex WITH YOU.

I know that sounds harsh, but it's true. Lack of interest in sex with you is a symptom of something else missing in your marriage. She ha needs that aren't being filled. You first have to meet those needs, confirm they are being met (she needs to say it) and then explain that YOUR needs aren't being met. And if your needs aren't being met, you will become resentful and frustrated and unlikely to meet her needs.

If she just has low drive and everything else is OK in the marriage, then I'd look for medical/mental issues that affect her drive. This is something SHE needs to act on. She needs to get the check-ups and figure out what is wrong.

If there's nothing wrong, then the question needs to be whether or not she thinks sex is important in a marriage. If she says no, then tell her you will get your sexual needs taken care of elsewhere. I guarantee you sex will suddenly become important. If she says that sex really is important in the marriage, ask her what she's going to do about it.

For me, it was a struggle that took marriage counselors and therapists but my sex life now is better than the previous 40 years of marriage.
 

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Discussion Starter · #11 ·
Yes, it can be changed.

First, you have to distinguish between low drive and not wanting to have sex WITH YOU.

I know that sounds harsh, but it's true. Lack of interest in sex with you is a symptom of something else missing in your marriage. She ha needs that aren't being filled. You first have to meet those needs, confirm they are being met (she needs to say it) and then explain that YOUR needs aren't being met. And if your needs aren't being met, you will become resentful and frustrated and unlikely to meet her needs.

If she just has low drive and everything else is OK in the marriage, then I'd look for medical/mental issues that affect her drive. This is something SHE needs to act on. She needs to get the check-ups and figure out what is wrong.

If there's nothing wrong, then the question needs to be whether or not she thinks sex is important in a marriage. If she says no, then tell her you will get your sexual needs taken care of elsewhere. I guarantee you sex will suddenly become important. If she says that sex really is important in the marriage, ask her what she's going to do about it.

For me, it was a struggle that took marriage counselors and therapists but my sex life now is better than the previous 40 years of marriage.
Thank you for giving me some hope, even if it small.
 

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Unfortunately, no, you can't do anything about her LD.

She has to want to change, do what is necessary to get that healthier higher sex drive. Nothing you can do about it.

I know because I'm married for 13+ years and my wife is LD.

She might be insecure about her body.

She might of had bad previous relationships.

She might of been raised that sex is only for procreation, its bad and not to be talked about.

If you threaten her with having an affair because of her LD, she will probably have a lot of sex with you but then she will go back to her old ways again.

Do you take care of yourself? Great shape? That should turn her on. Perhaps buy her a toy, like I did, silver bullet. That should be arriving any day now.
 

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I disagree that you can't do anything about her LD. I had LD. In 3 years, I went to an expensive sex therapist twice to see what I could do about this. She said nothing. That is not true. I don't have a HD now, but I'd say it's medium.

These are the main few reasons I think I had LD.

-My husband has PE so sex never lasts long.
- I can only O from oral sex, which is maybe 2-3x/month, otherwise, it's pretty unbalanced how many O's my H gets to mine.
- I found sex pretty mundane and boring and find myself thinking about all kinds of things besides sex during sex. I think if sex was more exciting, I'd like it and want it more. That's mainly what I blame my LD on.

It was definitely a mindset that turned me around. I started reading erotica, and realized that I want that kind of sex. It's still just OK, but I want more, so I gave my H some books to read, I'm reading some sex books. I never really thought about how important sex was in a marriage, but I do realize that now.

I think you need to tell your wife how important sex is to you and ask her what you can do to make sex better for her. That you will do anything to make it awesome for her. Toys? A couples vacation at a romantic hotel with a hottub? More dates? Sexy texts throughout the day? Lingerie?

Tell her you'd like to try Orgasmic Meditation, which is all about the woman and helping her achieve an O from manual stimulation. That's from a book I'm reading by Nicole Daedone: Slow Sex: the art and craft of the female orgasm.
 

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Yes, it can be changed.

First, you have to distinguish between low drive and not wanting to have sex WITH YOU.

I know that sounds harsh, but it's true. Lack of interest in sex with you is a symptom of something else missing in your marriage. She ha needs that aren't being filled. You first have to meet those needs, confirm they are being met (she needs to say it) and then explain that YOUR needs aren't being met. And if your needs aren't being met, you will become resentful and frustrated and unlikely to meet her needs.

If she just has low drive and everything else is OK in the marriage, then I'd look for medical/mental issues that affect her drive. This is something SHE needs to act on. She needs to get the check-ups and figure out what is wrong.

If there's nothing wrong, then the question needs to be whether or not she thinks sex is important in a marriage. If she says no, then tell her you will get your sexual needs taken care of elsewhere. I guarantee you sex will suddenly become important. If she says that sex really is important in the marriage, ask her what she's going to do about it.

For me, it was a struggle that took marriage counselors and therapists but my sex life now is better than the previous 40 years of marriage.
:iagree: This. Well said.
 
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