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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
The good news is that my wife wants to work on our marriage (finally). I am not sure what that means to her, but I do know that the intimacy that we felt a long time ago is gone. Not just sexual intimacy, but the closeness and the bond that you feel when you feel safe and free to say whatever you are thinking. I realize now that in the past everytime she wanted to really open up, I would start analyzing, offering solutions, giving opinions, etc. It made her want to stop talking, and eventually she did. We lost that bond, and although she still loves me, she is no longer "in love." This led to her affair, and the eventual rut we are in.

We recognize that we need to be more open and honest, and communicate better. Will that really be enough? I mean we fell in love without trying the first time around. Can we really fall in love by trying? Will she really be able to find me attractive again by talking?

Has anyone experienced this? Has anyone gotten the "I love you, but I am not in love with you" speech and been able to recover their marriage? Are you happy?

I still dream of kids with my wife, and I am both "in love" and love her. I have a hard time with the concept of getting her to be in love with me again.

Thanks.
 

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BrokenFrag

Yes it is possible to fall back in love. It happened to me as I am sure 18 months ago I was not only not “in love” with my wife, I plain didn’t love her at all and was very unhappy in the marriage. My love for her had returned prior to me finding out about the EA. I received the “I’m not in love with you” just shy of a year ago and we are still working on our marriage. While she still isn’t in love with me, we are closer than we have been for years and are the best of friends. We don’t argue or fight and our kids are thriving in a very calm and affectionate home environment. Falling out of love took a long time for her to do so I don’t expect her to return quickly. Hopefully your wife will come back more quickly but be prepared for a possible long haul. But if it all comes back then it will be well worth the effort and time. Expect the ups and downs as my post yesterday reflected but try and be steady and caring. Give yourselves time. Good luck sir.
 

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I think many of us (men) have or, if not, will soon hear the
"love you but not in love with you". This usually means that your wife is looking somewhere else, having doubts, being shady already and trying to justify what she either has already done or is about to do, etc. I am also a survivor of infidelity and am trying to make things work.

It's a drama thing that mostly women do, but we can too. Head games, lies and the justifications are not exclusive to the female of our species. I hate games myself, but will drop down and play better than anyone when the situation calls for it.

The affect that telling someone something like, "love you but not in love with you" is like poison to ones self esteem.

You need to feel good about yourself before you start to and if you are too have any success in, rekindling the kind of feeling of love and respect from your spouse you once had.

Notice that I said respect, if you don't feel confident, sure of your self, your Wife will not be able to drop her guard and she will not respect you. If a woman does not respect you, she will keep you at arms length.

I think this is why ass holes do so well in maintaining long term relationships, even if it's a sick though, there is some truth to it.
 

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I can't say that my husband and I have been where you and your wife are right now, but something you said reminded me of a large leap we made in understanding each other years ago. My husband had read somewhere that men and women differ greatly in this respect: When a woman needs to blow off steam or complain about something, she just wants to unload and be heard. When a man hears the complaint, he starts looking for ideas to make the situation better. I have spent alot less time trying to explain a situation to him, sure he doesn't understand because he's offering up solutions that may have no relevance to the situation, and he spends alot less time trying to come up with these solutions. So if I'm in a bad mood and say, "Why is everyone so stupid?" Hubby's not trying to think of how to talk me out of my idea that everyone's stupid. He makes me a cup of tea and massages my shoulders, and I feel much better. When I do have a problem that requires a solution, I tell him. Men and women are just wired differently in this respect.
 

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Sorry, hit the wrong button and didn't mean to go away. To answer your question, yes, I think it's possible to fall in love again. Sometimes people think they're out of love when so many stressors and circumstances get in the way, it's easy to think that love is gone. I don't think that love is so fragile that it can be "fallen out of". On the contrary, there is nothing so strong as love. I don't mean that in a cliched, power ballad way. I mean just that.
Now, if it was another emotion instead of love (infatuation, lust, "settling for", etc), that emotion can go away and never come back. But, if it is love, and you work hard to clear all the obstacles out of the way, there will be love, just where you left it.
 

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Broken flag,

I know it ahs been real rough for you emotionally the last few weeks, you are doing great and we are hear for you.

Best of luck mending the fence, I hope you both can work it out and over come this.

Best of luck my friend!
 

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Discussion Starter · #8 ·
BrokenFrag

Yes it is possible to fall back in love. It happened to me as I am sure 18 months ago I was not only not “in love” with my wife, I plain didn’t love her at all and was very unhappy in the marriage. My love for her had returned prior to me finding out about the EA. I received the “I’m not in love with you” just shy of a year ago and we are still working on our marriage. While she still isn’t in love with me, we are closer than we have been for years and are the best of friends. We don’t argue or fight and our kids are thriving in a very calm and affectionate home environment. Falling out of love took a long time for her to do so I don’t expect her to return quickly. Hopefully your wife will come back more quickly but be prepared for a possible long haul. But if it all comes back then it will be well worth the effort and time. Expect the ups and downs as my post yesterday reflected but try and be steady and caring. Give yourselves time. Good luck sir.
Do you feel like you are satisfied with your marriage at this point? Our worlds are different because you have kids, but are you and your wife good with the relationship? If your wife doesn't fall back "in love" with you at some point do you think either of you will end the marriage? Are you just to the point where a good partnership is all you need?

I have been discussing this with my wife recently. I believe that a successful marriage has two important parts to it. One is the "love" relationship, and the other is the domestic partnership. Two lovebirds who are not responsible adults or willing to be responsible partners, will struggle with the reality and the responsibility of a household and a family. Two pragmatic people who are good, responsible partners, but who may not have a great "love" relationship might constantly be tested by outside influences (affairs) which would, in turn, destabilize the household and the family.

The answer for each person is always different, but what is enough for a person? If you have a good friendship with someone, you laugh and care for each other and you have common goals (friends, family, etc.) do you hang on to that person, even if they don't inspire you to write poetry? Do you make the best of what you have or do you constantly search for the perfect match? Is there ever a perfect match?

I don't know if I could really bear being in a relationship where my wife wasn't "in love" with me. At times I struggle with what she means, and certainly, so does she, but until now, I had never even thought of it. We are so good together and we had been working towards common goals, that I was blindsided by her falling in love with a coworker. She views it as a mistake and is disappointed in herself for the way she behaved, but she cannot dismiss the feelings she felt, and she cannot dismiss that fact that she doesn't feel those same things for me.

In the end, she knows that I offer almost everything she could want in a long term relationship, but she has replaced me in her heart with thoughts of another man, or at least what he represented. She is trying to see if she can fall in love with me, and maybe even trying to decide if it is even necessary for our hopes of having a family.

Heck, even I am considering the possibility of leaving her now. I want a family, and I need to have someone that values what I provide, that wants what I provide, and that will love me for that. I want a partner in life, not some romantic fling that I foolishly think will last a lifetime. I don't quite separate my love into "in love" and love. Maybe that is because I love my wife in all ways, so I can't distinguish between the two.

I can't tell if the risk of unhappiness is higher if I try to make my current marriage work, or if I leave it all and try to start from scratch.

Jeebus, if only we had been able to talk about this years ago.
 

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Many things in your post hit close to home for me. Yes I believe people can fall back in love but it may take a long time. If you read my posted poem last week you’ll know I was feeling pretty down and it turned out to be a premonition of a difficult weekend as TOM is trying to contact her again. She is holding for now and I hope she continues to be strong. I won’t hijack your thread.

Am I satisfied with my relationship now? Yes and no. We communicate better than we have for years. We don’t have the underlying anger we used to carry making us both feel like we were walking on eggshells. As stated we have a great amount of friendship and our environment at home is better for our children then it has been in some time. We don’t have the lovebird relationship that I desire but our domestic partnership is as strong as ever. Cooking, cleaning, laundry is all pretty much shared duties as an as needed basis. We don’t argue about money but we really have never had to be overly concerned about it either. We agree on child rearing, politics and basic spiritual beliefs. Could I stay in the relationship if she never feels in love with me again? Yes I believe so as long as she showed concern, respect and affection. Remember, she still does love you, just not in the way you desire. And I suppose as long as I love her I will also have hope. My love for her is in the terms of an agape love. I love her, it is there for her when she is ready but I expect none in return from her. Google agape love and see if it fits your personality and situation.

I too was completely blindsided by the discovery of the EA. She too feels guilt as she never thought it could happen. You will both have a healing process to go through and that could take time. Give it just that with as much patience and care as you can muster. Seek counsel both emotional and spiritual to give you both some additional support. Considering leaving the marriage is a natural course but give things time. We are coming up on one year of work but the marriage took years to degenerate into what it had become. Give yourselves plenty of time and don’t try and set deadlines. And finally yes we all wish we could turn back the clock and spend time communicating instead of letting something as wonderful as a marriage decay beyond recognition. Best of luck and take my signature to heart. Those four words can help
 

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Discussion Starter · #10 ·
Thank you for sharing, Amplexor. I do feel the same way about my wife. I love her in all ways and am here for her if she decides to stay. I guess the question has always been if my wife is really willing to find out if she can love me again, and then, is she willing to stay if she can't. Hopefully she will give me lots of time. It is true that our relationships fell apart over many years, so putting in at least one or more to see where we stand would make sense.

If I were a more religious man, I would pray that God would help my wife see my value and my love and choose to embrace them instead of run away in search for more.
 

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I am in the same position as your wife. I have fallen out of love with my husband and had a affair. After 8 months, ive finally told my husband that I would like to work on our marriage. With the help of counseling I hope I can learn to love my husband again.
 

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I'm new here, so I have not familiarized myself with all the forums. This 1 stuck out to me because it is the same question I am asking myself.

I don't have that I'm in love feeling with my spouse anymore. There was no affair on either of our sides. I have found we are different ppl now. I just don't see how I can fully open my heart to him again. Every time I think it might be possible *wham* he does something so offensive or hurtful that I close my heart that much more.
So if there are any success stories, I would also like to hear them.
 

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I think that as men we need to learn to shut up and listen to our wives when they start to vent they do not want to hear our opinon or a way to fix it or make it better sometimes they just want a sounding board so guys just sit there and really listen don't defend yourself if you are being attacked just suck it up and swallow your pride let her calm down then go discuse it calmly with her it will work out better in the long run i have been working on these skills and i have to say she is responding very well. Don't get me wrong they do want to hear your thoght and opion but guys use you heads pick the right times to give it and just listen
 

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BINGO Shane33 :smthumbup:

What a great point. That was a lesson I had to learn last year after screwing it up for so long. When my wife comes home from a tough day at work and wants to vent she doesn’t want to hear me try and fix it. If she specifically wants my advice she asks, otherwise she just wants my ear and support. A wise lesson for all men. This is one of the discussion points in The Five Languages of Love.
 

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I think it is possible to fall in love again, because "where there were flames there is ash left". People can find again that spark, but I believe both have to work at it. And it is true about the listening part. Women sometimes need to express themselves, and their husbands maybe just need to listen.
 

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Discussion Starter · #16 ·
All points very well taken. I am much better about just listening now (I think). And she is certainly talking more.

The crazy thing for me is that almost all the resources I read about affairs indicate that the offending spouse must be 100% committed to making the marriage work in order for people to move on. My wife still isn't there yet. She has made progress in recognizing what she did, even why she did it. We have also discussed my role in the whole thing as well. She says she wants to work on the marriage, but if I ask her if she wants it to work out, she still says "I don't know." How can you be committed to fixing a marriage if you don't know if you want it to be fixed?

Any offending spouses go through this? Patience is preached quite often on these boards and others that I have frequented, but it is very hard to move forward when my wife is still stuck in neutral.

I am afraid that I will lose patience and leave her right before she comes around.
 

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Take heart BrokenFrag it will take time. Our marriages didn’t get into this kind of condition overnight. They won’t mend quickly either. Sometimes marriages can take years to fully mend. Early on my wife made the same statements that she didn’t even know if she wanted to try and salvage it. She still struggles with her feelings but I know she is doing her best now. We are still together with lots of improvements. She has many times commented on my patience and thanked me for it. I don’t know if it will all work out in the end but if it doesn’t at least we gave it our best shot. If it does all the work and pain will be well worth it. Hang in there for the both of you for now. You may need to be the strong dedicated one for a while.
 

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The good news is that my wife wants to work on our marriage (finally). I am not sure what that means to her, but I do know that the intimacy that we felt a long time ago is gone. Not just sexual intimacy, but the closeness and the bond that you feel when you feel safe and free to say whatever you are thinking. I realize now that in the past everytime she wanted to really open up, I would start analyzing, offering solutions, giving opinions, etc. It made her want to stop talking, and eventually she did. We lost that bond, and although she still loves me, she is no longer "in love." This led to her affair, and the eventual rut we are in.

We recognize that we need to be more open and honest, and communicate better. Will that really be enough? I mean we fell in love without trying the first time around. Can we really fall in love by trying? Will she really be able to find me attractive again by talking?

Has anyone experienced this? Has anyone gotten the "I love you, but I am not in love with you" speech and been able to recover their marriage? Are you happy?

I still dream of kids with my wife, and I am both "in love" and love her. I have a hard time with the concept of getting her to be in love with me again.

Thanks.
Hi

I am in the same boat after 18years of marriage
Its started about 10 years ago with her friend she meet
i do love her and she is my sole mate so i will work on it
currently she is in consoling and has asked for space
i plan on giving her space but its the next moves that i worry about...

cisco kid
 

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Hello. I am new to this site and I can relate to most of you in some respects. I am going through a really trying time in that my husband doesn't even know if he can see us together for the rest of our lives. We have one son and I am also 8 months pregnant. We started having problems back in May 2008 where he didn't know if he wanted to try anymore with me. He knew where I stood as far as me having confidence in us and that I wanted to work to make things better. I have always been optimistic about my relationship with him even when there are bad times. My love for him never waivered. Now at 5 months later and me further in this pregnancy, I had a discussion with him about how he felt about our progress which I thought was going well and in the right direction. He shared with me that he loved me, but he wasn't sure that he loved me as much as he used to. I know not to expect these things to heal overnight and that 5 months wasn't enough, but he talked to me as if he was just waiting for the right moment to tell me about this instead of being honest and upfront. I am assuming the right moment was after the baby was born. This is something out of my control and I can't say or do anything to help the situation and it is taking a toll on me. I still want to work this out and not just for the sake of our kids. We went to couseling about 4 times and for the past 3 months we have fallen back into our daily schedule and not really addressing anything. It doesn't seem like he wants to do anymore couseling because he doesn't feel that the counselor is able to help us in that regard (as far as gaining back that something that is missing). He doesn't know what it is and he really isn't one to open up at all. He never has and I feel that I am an open book. Reading some of your comments has brought light to me, but I am not the one who is having the second thoughts. I just want to have him see that we are no exception to this, but I know that it is out of my reach. I guess I want to thank you all for posting your comments and advice cause it certainly helps me. I just wish my husband could read this.
 

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Thank you for the reply. For some reason, the second time around was harder to conceive than the first. He is really a great dad and I want to believe that he wanted this child as much as I did. It is hard to think back and remember where we were. I know it wasn't at this point. I have a feeling that he really didn't know what to do, didn't really want to try that hard, didn't want to look bad (to who? I'm not sure), and spare my feelings. If that is the case, then why not just tell me then in May instead of waiting till let's say when the baby is born. At least I could have come to terms with it and started my healing rather than feeling like he gave me false hope. I feel this is completely out of my hands at this point. I want this marriage to work and not just for the kids sake. I truly love him regardless of our good and bad times. I believe his expectations of marriage are unrealistic and no one would be able to meet them whether it be me or someone else. He is the one who is in question but it just baffles me in that he thinks 5 months, 2 months of some trying and 3 months of our usual routine, is sufficient to feel that way again. I truly believe that if something was there, all is not lost. He isn't that optimistic when it comes to us. He is the most optimistic man that I know when it comes to everything else but our relationship. I just know that I have probably said all that I can and it is out of my grasp to do anything to remedy this situation. It is up to him.
 
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