Talk About Marriage banner
Status
Not open for further replies.
1 - 20 of 118 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
23 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Hi There,

I am sure that the question of 'What should I do in this situation' is very common to many of the readers and posters on this board. In particular, I think that it's not as easy to deal with deciding what you're going to do once you've discovered infidelity in your relationship. However, I'm hoping that there are some expert advisors and readers who have gone through something similar to me, and can offer some insight.

My story:
My wife and I have been married for 5 years (together 7) and have two kids, ages 4 and 2. For the most part, our marriage of five years has been happy, and we have built a wonderful home together. Externally everything looks wonderful, beautiful home, two beautiful kids, and we get along really well.

The day I discovered that my wife had an affair with her boss rocked the foundations of our life together. She went into the basement to make a phone call, and said she was prepping for a meeting for work, but it was actually to call her lover -- which turned out to be her boss (now ex-boss). I heard their conversation, and confronted my wife about it, and walked out of the house. Later that night, she called several times begging me to stay, and I eventually decided I would do the best I could to try and do what I could to help save the marriage. My wife committed to me that she would never talk to her boss again, in any respect of a personal relationship. He was slated to leave the company in around 6 weeks time (at which time he did leave to work for another company).

What took place next was setting up counselling, and a bunch of sessions where we discussed our marriage and what could have led to the affair on both of our parts. Both of us participated, and I had hoped we were making progress. However, my wife continued to have contact with her boss, and continued to break her promises of not speaking with him in a personal manner. They continued to email one another, even as I saw signs of our relationship beginning to improve. I was working 150% to try and save the marriage, yet every 10 days or so I would find something that would make me wonder if she was continuing to have a relationship with her boss.

The culmunation of it all was a day where she took a vacation day off of work, and went to his house -- apparently to break things off. I was set to end my marriage with her then and there, but she begged, pleaded, and said that she went there to break things off with him (she was very convincing). Following that, our relationship seemed to continue to improve, but then on another night she sent an email to him (while we were having a good time) for him to come and pick her up at our house -- this was in a drunken state. Having said that, we then talked for three hours, and she promised to never do it again.

During the next month, our relationship seemed to improve even more, yet she continued to have contact with him. Not necessarily in person, but definitely at least a few phone calls, and him sending her emails. He had left the company, but was now in a position to provide feedback and guidance to her in regards to her applying for his old job. During the past week she has contacted him via phone, and he has emailed her about her applying for the new job.

Overall, during the three months since the affair was discovered, there were around 10-12 times where she was adamant that she would never speak with him again in a personal manner, and she broke her promises each time. After he left the company, she promised to never speak with him again. In the four weeks since he no longer works there, she has spoken with him at least a couple of times (says it is related to her current job), and he has sent her emails.

She is very adamant that she is being faithful to me, and that there is nothing going on anymore and that nothing physical had happened since the summer. Overall, I don't necessarily buy it, but find it incredibly difficult to take the somewhat obvious action due to the fact that we have a wonderful family, and do get along incredibly well day-to-day.

What I am wondering is, is it possible for a marriage under these circumstances to be saved? I'd personally like to keep the family together if I could, and save the marriage if at all possible. However, I want to be able to trust my wife again, and it's becoming nearly impossible to do so. We are continuing in counselling, but at times I wonder if it will work, and at other times I wonder if I stay whether or not I'll be setting myself up for a lifetime of this.

Has anyone had a similar experience?

Thanks,
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
396 Posts
What are the consequences of your wife's actions?

When are you really going to be willing to impose them???

Time to start making this about what you are going to do and not what she is doing.
 

·
Super Moderator
Joined
·
30,587 Posts
What I am wondering is, is it possible for a marriage under these circumstances to be saved?
Yes, but your wife must stop her cake eating.

What would her employers think if they knew she was in touch with him several times a day?

Or, and this might be something she needs to consider... is he after her body or is he after whatever information he can get out of her about the current situation at his former company?

As in:-

"Oh, honey, yes, I know this is an imposition, but you know where Bill keeps that folder on current contract bids? Could you please borrow it, scan the documents in it and email them over to me? Well, if you loved me, you'd do it for me..."
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
9,232 Posts
What took place next was setting up counselling, and a bunch of sessions where we discussed our marriage and what could have led to the affair on both of our parts.
OK, this is a huge error here. YOU had NOTHING to do with her affair. NOTHING. That goes 100% on her and her alone.

What you CAN take responsibility for is the state of your marriage. PERIOD. Your actions did not 'make' her cheat in any way shape or form.

She had four choices, as did you
- divorce
- do nothing
- cheat
- work on the marriage

She chose cheating, you chose to work on things.

She is still choosing to cheat, and if that counselor hasn't told her that he/she doesn't want to see her again until the OM is completely out of her life once and for all, he/she is worthless.

You need this book

Dr. Shirley Glass - NOT "Just Friends"
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
6,621 Posts
The marriage will only tread water as long as TOM is in contact. No Contact must be taken, enforced and acted upon if she breaks it. He is a cancer in your marriage and his goal is simple. Find ways to **** your wife. It's that simple. The mentoring angle is just that, a ploy to bed her. She needs to send him a no contact letter that makes it clear to all involved what the consequences are. If she contacts him again in any manner -Divorce. If he contacts her in any manner and she doesn't tell you immediately -Divorce. Until he is out of her head and heart your marriage will not properly recover. You are not enforcing the vows of your marriage and until you do, she will continue to abuse them.
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
7,548 Posts
Is it possible for this situation to be resolved?

Yes.

Get the divorce papers ready.

Is he married or with a girlfriend? Expose him.

Expose your wife to family and friends.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,003 Posts
The marriage can be worked on as long as the OM is out of the picture and she decides to keep the promises she made to you. She hasnt done so yet!! You cant focus on fixing your marriage until she recommits and she cant do that now because she keeps breaking promises!
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
2,426 Posts
No contact means just that...

NO CONTACT!!!!

What part of no contact do the two of you not understand??

You need to figure out what consequences you're willing to enforce (filing for divorce), if she breaks NC again, sit her down and explain them to her, and then follow through when she breaks it again.

Note I suggested "file" for divorce. You've established a pattern now - she is going to break NC again so you better mean what you say when you lay out consequences. Filing is doesn't mean you actually finish the divorce, but she better believe you will or you won't have her attention.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
92 Posts
She is very adamant that she is being faithful to me, and that there is nothing going on anymore
Despite what your wife claims, her actions speak far, far louder than words.

If she is serious to stay married with you, she would know there is no way that she could continue connecting with the guy she cheated with. She thinks that you will not leave her, so she has no reason to stop cheating.

Its time to pack her bags and change the locks.

EDIT: btw, go get tested for STDs and HIV right now..
 
  • Like
Reactions: MattMatt

·
Registered
Joined
·
23 Posts
Discussion Starter · #19 ·
OK, this is a huge error here. YOU had NOTHING to do with her affair. NOTHING. That goes 100% on her and her alone.

What you CAN take responsibility for is the state of your marriage. PERIOD. Your actions did not 'make' her cheat in any way shape or form.

She had four choices, as did you
- divorce
- do nothing
- cheat
- work on the marriage

She chose cheating, you chose to work on things.

She is still choosing to cheat, and if that counselor hasn't told her that he/she doesn't want to see her again until the OM is completely out of her life once and for all, he/she is worthless.

You need this book

Dr. Shirley Glass - NOT "Just Friends"
I couldn't agree more. I think that the counsellor we have is not good, and has probably done more damage than good. I think that if I choose to continue with counselling, a new counsellor is definitely mandatory.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
23 Posts
Discussion Starter · #20 ·
Yes, but your wife must stop her cake eating.

What would her employers think if they knew she was in touch with him several times a day?

Or, and this might be something she needs to consider... is he after her body or is he after whatever information he can get out of her about the current situation at his former company?

As in:-
How do you get someone to stop 'cake eating'? I'd love to be able to get her to stop, but I've realized that there is actually very little I can do, other than choose to stay knowing what the situation is, or ultimately leaving. I would love to find a way to save the marriage, but as it seems, there's very little I can do?
 
1 - 20 of 118 Posts
Status
Not open for further replies.
Top