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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Tonight we celebrated our 14th wedding anniversary. The day was actually the 9th, but Thursday is my Friday so I thought we could go out and have a good time.

Some background: 18 years together, 4 children (ages 10, 7, 16 mo, and 4 mo.). We've had a rocky relationship from the beginning. Most of the time it was my choice to leave, when we were dating. We were on and off for 4 yrs before I realized I needed her in my life and popped the question. Around the 8 yr mark I started wandering, nothing ever came of it, but it lead to future issues. I started wondering again in 2016 and beyond, I felt like we'd lost the spark, and no amount of talking was going to resolve it. But we worked through things and stayed together. And then there was last night...

I arranged for someone to watch our kids. I sent her flowers and got home, before her, to ensure the kids were taken care of before we left for the night. The plan was to ha e a good night together, and enjoy each other's company, without worry of the kids, or our problems. A chance to rekindle the flame of love.

I'd made reservations at a restuarant that we'd gone to on our last anniversary, and she was excited. The beginnings of the meal was off to a good start. But as the night progressed the conversation turned to our current issues. While things remained civil, the tension of the night was beginning to build.

She was tired from the long day at work, and though we rarely have a might together she wanted to return home, shower, and get to bed early. Reluctantly, heeded her wishes and drove home. I wanted to stay out, but as we talked during the drive home, I was becoming more upset. When we finally got home, we sat in our parking spot and talked further. Things just got worse.

While we both stated, and understood that the current working situation wasn't ideal, there was still and undertone that I wasn't doing enough to tend to either the kids or my wife. (As a supervisor, if a shift is left vacated I am forced to find someone to fill it, or work it myself. No one is willing to work it, so there I am -- not idyllic with two young ones at home). I admitted. through tears, that I work because that's the only way I feel I'm able to contribute to tending to the family. I'm there emotionally and physically, but when it comes to the daily things that's where my wife takes over.

She said she was sorry for complaining, but she asked me not to be upset. Said I was ruining the evening. Then she said I was making her feel like a heel. She said she loved me, but I need to stop crying so that we could have a nice evening together. So, I compose myself enough to go Inside. As we walk to our apt I can hear her muttering her displeasure. This only upsets me further.

Flashback: she's stated, numerous times, during recent arguements that she wishes she hadn't had kids, or even gotten married. She seems to think that her life.

Our babysitter leaves. My wife showers. The kids get I to bed. My wife goes to bed, without me. And I'm left on the couch with the youngest feeding him, half falling asleep while doing so. 2.5 or more hrs later I wake up with my son in my arms on the couch. I think back on the night's events and cry again. My marriage is over. My wife is more concerned about herself than us (her and me).
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
I'm not asking for a pity party.
My transgressions are what they are, a mistake, I messed up.
But I want this marriage to work. I truly do. I'd do anything to make her happy. I loose sleep. I work extra hours, so she doesn't have to. I tend to they kiss arty night, so she can re set t, even when I'm dog tired from working OT.
After you saying there's nothing else I can do to right this ship?
 

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Talk with your wife, see if she will agree to go to marriage counseling. That MAY help unless she's gone, in which case it will be a very hard sell to get her back into the marriage.
Instead of giving up YOUR time to work so she doesn't have to, let HER work SOME more and YOU be with the kids. She will get to see YOUR side of things, and you will see HER side a bit better...
 

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There is plenty to do to help the marriage, you have responsibilities, 4 children to be a father to and wife to be a husband to. Did you say that she has a job as well as caring for 4 children 2 of whom are just babies? I cant imagine how busy things are, especially with 2 babies just 12 months apart. No wonder she was tired on your date.Who cares for the children all day?
When you can, get some good marriage counselling. Get any thoughts about it being over out of your head.

So you cheated in the past. How many times and does she know?
 

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Your marriage is not over. Not yet. It's just hit a bad patch. How did you two handle your affairs? Did you work through them or did you rugsweep? Did you have good times together post-affair or was that the turning point from which it's gotten worse?

How much leeway do you have in how you manage your job? Can you designate your employees to be on-call one day per month so that you can call on the on-call person to come in for a shift? Find a way to offload that emergency work onto your subordinates.

As for your marriage, you need to find a way to get your wife's interest back on you, the man, not the husband. What you're doing now is like a guy in her friend zone from when she was single, doing her homework for her, giving her rides to the store, going shopping with her, everything to suck up to her and for all of his efforts never getting a call up to the majors, always stuck in the friend zone. Then you came along and you did something which got her interested in you. The chumps in the friend zone watched you take her away from them.

You're killing yourself to make life easier for her but that's not building her desire or respect or interest for you. Push some of that work back onto her and this serves two purposes. The first, in a worst case outcome and you get divorced, she's going to be a single mom and all of that work is going to be on her, 100% completely, for when she has the kids. You won't be there to help her on her custody days. The second is that this frees up your time to work on yourself in ways to pique her interest.

Have you read "No More Mister Nice Guy" and "Married Man Sex Life Primer." If not, do so, they will fill in the blanks of what I'm writing about above.

All that said, the details of the affairs and the aftermath in your marriage are going to be crucial to the advice people give you.
 

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Talk with your wife, see if she will agree to go to marriage counseling. That MAY help unless she's gone, in which case it will be a very hard sell to get her back into the marriage.
Instead of giving up YOUR time to work so she doesn't have to, let HER work SOME more and YOU be with the kids. She will get to see YOUR side of things, and you will see HER side a bit better...
He said 'She was tired from the long day at work' so I am guessing she is working, which considering she has a 16 and 4 month old is pretty hard.
 

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Discussion Starter · #8 ·
@jlg07 I've offered to let her work more. I'd be willing to stay home with the kids more if that's what it took! But raven she admits that what she makes wouldn't be enough to cover what I make.

@Diana7 She had a job, part time, but she only has it because what money we have saved (for her to utilize while out on maternity leave) will eventually run dry. So she's slowly working her way back into employment. She does try work every day, or even every week, just when she feels she's able to. And I adore her for trying, but have stated that she doesn't have to work until those funds are depleted.
I cheated, never physically, just in text, but yes, I cheated, and she knows.

@Lance Mannion As for the job, I am but a cog in a bigger wheel. Those whom I manage are working OT already. The problem here is, that the hours are overnight. We had someone covering those hours, but they left when they felt the hours they had weren't flexible. Which, is, in large, my fault too, I guess, the schedule we maintain isn't traditional. And while the pool of people we can fish from is huge, we're just not a plug and play type of place. You need training. And while my managers have sought help for us, there's no one willing to assist. So for now, we're just stuck.
 

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Sounds like you actively seeked out two affairs. She probably just wishes she didn't marry and have kids with you when she says those things because of the hurt you caused her.

Around the 8 yr mark I started wandering,
I started wondering again in 2016 and beyond,
My wife is more concerned about herself than us (her and me).
She is only following your lead. Maybe it's time for you to suck it up like she did, I mean you created these dynamics.

Her time to wonder. You of all people should understand this right?

Sometimes when you cheat particularly when you see the hurt you cause and do it again it kills the love people have for you. I suspect this is a classic case.
 

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Your marriage is not over. Not yet. It's just hit a bad patch. How did you two handle your affairs? Did you work through them or did you rugsweep? Did you have good times together post-affair or was that the turning point from which it's gotten worse?

How much leeway do you have in how you manage your job? Can you designate your employees to be on-call one day per month so that you can call on the on-call person to come in for a shift? Find a way to offload that emergency work onto your subordinates.

As for your marriage, you need to find a way to get your wife's interest back on you, the man, not the husband. What you're doing now is like a guy in her friend zone from when she was single, doing her homework for her, giving her rides to the store, going shopping with her, everything to suck up to her and for all of his efforts never getting a call up to the majors, always stuck in the friend zone. Then you came along and you did something which got her interested in you. The chumps in the friend zone watched you take her away from them.

You're killing yourself to make life easier for her but that's not building her desire or respect or interest for you. Push some of that work back onto her and this serves two purposes. The first, in a worst case outcome and you get divorced, she's going to be a single mom and all of that work is going to be on her, 100% completely, for when she has the kids. You won't be there to help her on her custody days. The second is that this frees up your time to work on yourself in ways to pique her interest.

Have you read "No More Mister Nice Guy" and "Married Man Sex Life Primer." If not, do so, they will fill in the blanks of what I'm writing about above.

All that said, the details of the affairs and the aftermath in your marriage are going to be crucial to the advice people give you.
Dudes not a nice guy, he had two affairs.
 

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Discussion Starter · #11 ·
So there's no atoning for having cyber affairs?

I get that I messed up. And I try to make up for those mistakes every day.
 

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Dudes not a nice guy, he had two affairs.
His wife is still with him. He wants to fix it. The key is going to be the inner-life of his wife and how the texting affair(s) affected her.

His past is a done deal, its his life going forward that matters. If his affairs killed his wife's love for him, well, there's little to be done about that. Maybe though her love for him is only mostly dead.
 

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So there's no atoning for having cyber affairs?

I get that I messed up. And I try to make up for those mistakes every day.
It depends on how SHE dealt with them. She's still in the marriage, so that's a positive sign. You had babies after the affairs, so another positive sign. But did you deal with the affairs or just ignore them? Do they come up in arguments? Everyone is different, for some they are deal breakers, for others not.
 

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His wife is still with him. He wants to fix it. The key is going to be the inner-life of his wife and how the texting affair(s) affected her.

His past is a done deal, its his life going forward that matters. If his affairs killed his wife's love for him, well, there's little to be done about that. Maybe though her love for him is only mostly dead.

I thinks she is done with his BS. With most women, when they're done, they're done.

This is not a case of him being passive it's about the emotional damage he did to his wife and their bond.
 
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So there's no atoning for having cyber affairs?

I get that I messed up. And I try to make up for those mistakes every day.
Dude you did it twice. Getting over it once is hard enough, but twice when the person who cheated on you the first time saw how badly it hurt you. That is going to kill love, which is a very delicate and precious thing. Your credibility is gone. Your wife is probably thinking, yeah he misses me now but once he feels safe again he will be right at it again eventually. She may even be thinking in the long run you will both be happier.

The other thing is your post is you failure to see the irony which is very typical for a serial cheater. For instance you seem to justify your affairs because your relationship lost it's spark, maybe it's the same thing for her? You seem to be saying it's OK for you to act out but you have a big problem when she does. The difference is the two affairs broke your marriage, she didn't.

You say your cheating was text but were the text sexual in nature, because if they were then you had a sexual affair. It's NOT just text.

What exactly have you done to heal your marriage from your affairs besides stop cheating?
 

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You want to save your marriage buy this book -


Read it, that would be a good start.
 

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I'm not asking for a pity party.
My transgressions are what they are, a mistake, I messed up.
But I want this marriage to work. I truly do. I'd do anything to make her happy. I loose sleep. I work extra hours, so she doesn't have to. I tend to they kiss arty night, so she can re set t, even when I'm dog tired from working OT.
After you saying there's nothing else I can do to right this ship?
I'm not asking for a pity party.
My transgressions are what they are, a mistake, I messed up.
But I want this marriage to work. I truly do. I'd do anything to make her happy. I loose sleep. I work extra hours, so she doesn't have to. I tend to they kiss arty night, so she can re set t, even when I'm dog tired from working OT.
After you saying there's nothing else I can do to right this ship?

Well you have your answer. You wandered away from your marriage. If your wife knows then that put the nails in the coffin, if she doesn't know she probably suspected. No person wants to be in a marriage with someone who is not fully committed to them. Hell why should they?
The BS may hang on for the kids but for a WS to have any expectations of love, fun, commitment from a BS when they themselves have basically put a nuclear bomb in the middle of the marriage is stupid and self-centered.
Your wife doesn't enjoy being with you. You want to go out have fun and sweep everything under the carpet, she wants to expose the fissures that were never healed. If the shoe had been on the other foot, would you simply pretend so as to paper over the cracks? You are actually being cruel and a hypocrite. You either agree to be committed, go for counselling or call it quits.
 

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His wife is still with him. He wants to fix it. The key is going to be the inner-life of his wife and how the texting affair(s) affected her.

His past is a done deal, its his life going forward that matters. If his affairs killed his wife's love for him, well, there's little to be done about that. Maybe though her love for him is only mostly dead.
But the question is, why is she still with him? many women stay to keep the family together but the love for their husband dies a slow painful death, especially if the affairs have been rug swept and she has been expected to get over it. The OP is crying over his bad marriage, but he created a lot of the issues, guarantee it.
 
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