Is It Over Yet?

1932 Views 17 Replies 3 Participants Last post by LVS, Nov 24, 2012

LVS

Discussion Starter · Nov 15, 2012 (Edited)

First of all THE ANNULMENT IS FINAL! Kind of i feel sad because it is the end of the dream that lasted 30 years. But i can't deny how strong i was and how hard i worked and how many risky situations i crossed so Thumb Up to ME!

and to all who supported me and guided me during all my hard times.

Now to give some updates since last time i was here. I spent a period of Honeymoon stage, it was a peaceful time since my exh started individual therapy.. But he didn't last for long time, exactly as so many posters and readers of my story expected, especially Uptown. His reason was that they requested for him only 12 sessions and he did them all. When i asked him to request more because he started feeling better, he said that he doesn't need anymore, and that the therapist gave him tools to use and she can't help him more than that (His answer didn't surprise me)

Briefly, now with the annulment being final, he is not taking it well. He is now against the church and their judgement. The church is working against the bible teaching as he stated. He tried to talk to me to guilt me for my decision but i was ready to mirror things back to him, (tools i have learned from the book 'Stop Walking on Eggshells')
Since last week, my ex is so quiet not contacting me or sending me any message with the kids as he used to do in a weekly basis because he was trying to be close to me pretending that he was admitting the situation and that he will be supporting me and the kids as long as it takes.( all were tricks to stay close to me and try by doing all the nice things to me to get me to change my mind and go back to him before the annulment got finalized. He wasn't expecting it, as he said, to be ended before couple years)

Am I in The Quiet Before The Storm? Is he planning for something? I pray he will digest it well, otherwise i can not predict with an unpredictable person what is going to happen! I pray that he won't push me this time to get the restraining order!

I am not trying to be negative but my experience and history with him make me expect the worse.

I should be feeling free but i still don't have this feeling!

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devotion

· #2 · Nov 15, 2012

Can I ask why you went with an annulment vs a regular divorce?
I always heard of annulments for people who get married in Vegas when they are drunk and then realize it never was supposed to happen. Didn't know it was an option for something that lasts 30 years...?

Uptown

· #3 · Nov 17, 2012

LVS said:
I should be feeling free but i still don't have this feeling!

LVS, thanks so much for giving us an update. Congratulations on having the strength and self respect to obtain the annulment. I'm so sorry you are still feeling sad and "not free" of him. That feeling is perfectly normal, however, and it will pass.

Like you, my experience in divorcing my BPDer exW was that it was as hurtful as experiencing a death of a family member. I had known her for nearly 50 years. Before the divorce, I felt like I was watching her drown slowly because I could see her slipping away from me -- and was powerless to do anything about it. The divorce, then, felt like the finalization of her death.

I'm pleased to report, however, that the feelings get better. I eventually came to feel far more indifferent toward her. Yes, I still have some love for her. But I know I can never trust her and that she would turn on me again, given the opportunity. Hence, even though she has made repeated attempts to persuade me to "be friends" with her, I won't even answer the phone when she calls.

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LVS

Discussion Starter · #4 · Nov 19, 2012

I can feel what you said Uptown! It's exactly how I feel too. More so because he is still not able to move on with his life what makes me feel pressured to slow down when it's the time to let myself fly away. But as you said it is normal to feel that way also because i will always need to deal with him because we have 4 kids together.

LVS

Discussion Starter · #5 · Nov 19, 2012

Thank you LearningLifeQDay You are right, this is what i am trying to do regardless of all his hopeless trials...

LVS

Discussion Starter · #6 · Nov 19, 2012 (Edited)

devotion said:
Can I ask why you went with an annulment vs a regular divorce?
I always heard of annulments for people who get married in Vegas when they are drunk and then realize it never was supposed to happen. Didn't know it was an option for something that lasts 30 years...?

devotion, I have the civil divorce finalized since February 2011 but because i am catholic and married in the church so in order to be able to remarry in church i need this annulment. Now i can date without feeling that i am committing adultery.

There are many grounds for annulment the one you mentioned is one of them. In my case when i got married, neither me or my husband were ready and prepared for this step. And this is another ground for annulment.

LVS

Discussion Starter · #7 · Nov 19, 2012

I just found this profile picture so expressive one. It says: It's hard to fly when something is weighing you down. It's totally how i feel

LVS

Discussion Starter · #8 · Nov 20, 2012

I don't know how people finish their divorce and move on with their life and start dating with no problems!!!
With divorce and annulment, I still feel i am going to be remaining right where i am! Stuck! Moving backward instead of moving on...

Uptown! do you think a time will come when i decide to go back to my exh? Did you have the desire to go back to your wife after she left?
Right now i feel i am tired i want to give up and go back to him. But this feeling is drowning me in sadness! Isn't silly and ridiculous to stay in this situation of mind after all what i went through and all what i did? Why i am doubting myself again?

A question always come to my mind. how much do i have chance to have better life with him if i go back to him and with keeping my boundaries? Will i be able one day to get back my dreams of the family together, me, him and our four kids?...

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Uptown

· #9 · Nov 20, 2012

LVS said:
Uptown! do you think a time will come when i decide to go back to my exh?

No. Even if you keep living alone, you will find such peace and comfort in knowing that -- when you go home and open the front door -- you know what awaits on the other side. As one gets older, peace becomes a very valuable commodity.

Did you have the desire to go back to your wife after she left?

All the time -- and still do -- in a part of my mind. The other part of my mind says "NO WAY!"

Right now i feel i am tired i want to give up and go back to him. But this feeling is drowning me in sadness! Isn't silly and ridiculous to stay in this situation of mind after all what i went through and all what i did? Why i am doubting myself again?

If you're like me, you are finding it difficult to fall in love again with a normal, stable person. I've been dating for four years now. I walk into a restaurant to meet my date. I walk in looking like someone's grandfather, which I am. And there she sits, looking like someone's grandmother. The experience is a far cry from the passion and excitement of dating in our youth!

A question always come to my mind. how much do i have chance to have better life with him if i go back to him and with keeping my boundaries?

That's an easy question to answer: your chance is zero. If you truly "keep your boundaries," he will have a hissy fit and push you away. You've been there, done that, thousands of times. So have I.

Will i be able one day to get back my dreams of the family together, me, him and our four kids?

You can dream any time you close your eyes. When you open them, however, you will find that your kids have grown up and moved away to start their own families -- leaving you at home with the exH.

And you will find that he still has the emotional development of a four year old, is unable to trust you, cannot do self soothing, and cannot be relied on when you get sick and need his help. And you likely will find him getting increasingly resentful each year over your inability to make him happy. If you want a happy H, you have to marry a man who is already happy when you meet him.

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LVS

Discussion Starter · #10 · Nov 20, 2012

Yesterday we met because he needed to talk about the annulment so i met him (why?) maybe i am back walking on eggshells.

Briefly, he didn't expect the annulment to be final this fast he was expecting it to take 2 to five years.... Since he doesn't believe in the civil divorce bc we are catholic he was counting on the church marriage and expecting that i will change my mind before the annulment is final.

So now he is back desperate and by losing the church bound and the family for which he spent his life working hard, he lost every hope in life. He lost faith in church and in God fairness... He can't live without the kids anymore he can't live without me. He wants to give up everything... (his words)

I saw myself with the same person who was threatening suicide couple months ago. I felt scared to fall in the same obligation to save him from suicide. (this is what he is planning to because it worked the first time when i accepted to go with him to see the therapist)

I tried to prevent things from getting worse maybe until i speak to his brother. I remained strong without falling into his game and also without being hard on him (maybe i fall in it a bit). from what i said " Even after divorce people can remarry. Let's say i am looking for the person who is going to share my life why would i look to a desperate unhappy person who is divorced after 28 years of marriage and can't get over it and move on with his life? why would i look to more drama i am also getting out of a 28 years of marriage, or 30 with the annulment being final, where i had enough drama. tell me what makes me look forward to dating you?

Maybe i gave him hope with these words i don't know he will see any positive talk as a new hope. But also i was sincere about it that if he starts making change and becomes more positive in life i might consider to go back to him.

After i came back home i was in the fog of the idea for a little while than i started feeling sadness i don't want to feel stuck again. Also he is the father of my 4 kids i feel bad if he can't move on with his life.

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LVS

Discussion Starter · #11 · Nov 21, 2012

The peace i was living for a while evaporated. I am fearing the coming days. I don't want him to threaten again to suicide. I don't know what to do to avoid getting back to the same situation. It is emotional harassment. I can't get a restraining order for this type but it is getting its toll on me!!!

Uptown

· #12 · Nov 21, 2012

I suggest you speak with a therapist to discuss how to best deal with it and isolate yourself from him. For one thing, you can just stop answering the phone unless it is one of your kids calling. My BPDer exW, for example, kept calling me, wanting to reestablish our friendship. I eventually told her to stop calling, explaining that it is impossible to build a friendship with a person who is unable to trust me. And I enforced that boundary by not picking up the phone. She still occasionally calls so I am careful to always check caller ID before picking up the phone.

LVS

Discussion Starter · #13 · Nov 21, 2012

I already have appointment with my therapist on the 26th of this month.

As for what you said Uptown, I am fearing his escalation if i take a step not well prepared that's why i need to talk to his brother before doing any action that triggers him.

LVS

Discussion Starter · #14 · Nov 21, 2012

While i was in the fog of going back to him i accepted invitation from his brother for the thanksgiving. The whole family is going to be there. Now I know i am putting myself in the fire again while my walls are still weak, but i am not totally regretting going there because it is giving me the opportunity to meet his whole family again which going to make it easier for me to turn to them if i need to ask them to support him until he is able to move on hmmmm (will he move on one day?)

Uptown

· #15 · Nov 21, 2012

LVS, I wish you the best with his family tomorrow. I hope you all have a good Thanksgiving day!

LVS

Discussion Starter · #16 · Nov 23, 2012

Thank you Uptown , hope you had a wonderful Thanksgiving day as well!

If i didn't go, my exh wouldn't go, consequently my kids wouldn't go and wouldn't be all together in this occasion.

Ex-in laws were happily welcoming me and i felt like old days except i am not his wife and i wasn't sitting by his side. I felt i am doing good for all of them and also sharing my kids a wonderful time.

After i came back home my oldest D25 sent me a text message saying I love you mom. At home D20 hugged me and said mom you are a great person! It needs a great person to do what you did!

Speachless!!!

Uptown

· #17 · Nov 23, 2012

LVS, sure sounds like you made the right decision by going -- and not sitting by him. I'm so glad your family had such a good time getting together for Thanksgiving! Of course, I nonetheless am still glad you made the decision to D him. You showed all of your children that they should not allow anyone to treat them abusively and with disrespect.

LVS

Discussion Starter · #18 · Nov 24, 2012

What helped me to calm down and take this decision to go was the conclusion that i had, which is:
I am in peace and no one is going to take it from me. I can be supportive to him in case he needs me and i am able to do it, at the end he is the father of my kids. By me doing this, it doesn't give me any obligation to go back to him, he got his chances and jeopardized them and lost, and as you said Uptown, at least now, i open my door knowing what is awaiting me inside.

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